Sex Tip #19 – What to do on Valentine’s Day and other Holidays | by @MJKingOfErotica #LPRTG #SmutStreet #Erotica
Some people love Valentine’s Day but for others it is an enormous pain in the ass. In other cultures, the rules are a bit different than in the West. In Korea, where I lived for a decade, there’s White Day as well as Valentine’s Day. White Day is for giving gifts to the woman, Valentine’s Day is for the man. This doubles the marketing for the candy companies and greatly increases their revenue. It also makes things very cut and dry as far as what are the day’s expectations. On Valentine’s Day I wasn’t expected to do shit (just the way I like it). In the US, the day’s giving is more mutual and can put a lot of pressure on a guy worried about the mortgage, work, kids, and how to sneak another drink in before bed. Also, there’s essentially no equality in the US. THe man is prety much expected to shower the woman with gifts that make her feel special if you listen to mainstream mass marketing. Below you’ll find a few unique ideas of things you can do for the special day, and others like it.
Some Dumb History
St. Valentine is that little chubby faced punk with the arrow. The arrow contains love. Shit, if somebody followed me around shooting me in the ass, I wouldn’t think that’s love unless they were squirting me with fake, LSD-laced jism or some kind of flying butt plug. I guess the story of San Valentino was written in another time (actually it was approximately year 269), when people took kinder sharp obsidian arrows in the ass. Smutpunk says that the 2018 St. Valentine carries a big FUTA dick that spews copious amounts of cum. Smutpunk San Valentino is a little different. His sexuality is a bit more on the cusp, if you will. If he hits you, WAM, you’re covered! Excuse the pun. I couldn’t resist. See image for image of what I mean by covered. According to history, nobody knows San Valentine’s full name, so let’s call this new St. Valentine 2.0 “Valentino San Esperma”. So I wish all of you—especially the freaks, transgenders, and weirdos among us—a Happy San Valentino Esperma Day! Be sure to act accordingly, smutpunks.
So how can Valentino Esperma Day help you?
It’s a nice time to express yourself to your lover. Write her a song or a poem. Cook her dinner. Show her you care about her. Fuck roses and chocolate and wine. That stuff is well and good, but what’s the point if you don’t back it up with something with substance? The trick is to combine. After wine, she’ll love your poem. If you want to cook her a dinner, be sure to get some custard and heat that and get some in the tank of your squirting dildo. Come dinnertime, cover her in your love and custard. Feed her the steak while you squirt her with custard. Nothing says I love you baby like a squirting dildo of hot freshly-made custard. Nothing.
A few more ideas…
- Spank her. Make her butt red with a your hand print or a paddle.
- Film her twerking / dancing sexy
- Dress her in a collar and an imperial trooper mask and lead her around the room on all fours.
- Give her a big heavy coat and sheer lingerie and go for a walk around the town. Corollary: find some garages to fuck her right there in public.
- Give an oral sex coupon to her for 1 hour of free service at a convenient time of her discretion. These coupons go well inside boxes of chocolate or cards or attached to the neck of a wine bottle.
Experiment by mixing and matching and adding to this very rudimentary list. This isn’t supposed to be an exhaustive list of ideas, but rather a starting point to help you find the spirit (yes, the Old English OED meaning of spirit meaning “cum” not “ghost”) of the holiday known as San Valentino de Esperma.
**please note that although I say her, feel free to do ANY and ALL of this stuff to him, obviously.
I’m just using one pronoun to make the writing faster.
If you don’t feel like penning your own poem, hire me to write one. Also, got an ex that you’d like to fuck with?**
Hire me to write a hate poem and send it anonymously. The ex will never know you put me up to it.
Links to Each Week’s
See the Slut List for Other Hot Ideas to Spice Up Your Love Life
**this is a bestseller!
Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind #LPRTG #SexTips | Sex Tip #18
Sex Tip No. 18 – Proper Ball and Shaft Technique during a Menage
There’s always some new essential info out there. Last year, rimming became commonplace. I try to keep you up to date with the trends. Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind. Menage is the new missionary for 2018. Be prepared!
Okay, the key thing when you’re bent over and getting fucked from behind is to spread the enjoyment you are receiving. You need to pay that pussy’s pleasure forward.
So let your fingers spread out and fan them over the other guys balls. Lightly rasp them against his balls in an upward motion that moves toward the shaft. Be sure to keep the cock in your mouth during this procedure. This is no time to stop sucking dick. Sucking dick is the focus. I’m teaching you the proper background technique. Let your finger walk from his balls to the base of his shaft. Have your hand close around the shaft and squeeze. Then go right back to rasping your fingers against his balls. Start at the bottom of the balls, right near the peniranum or the anus. That’s how you max out his pleasure while his friend massages your g-spot with his cockhead.
Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind
Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind
Guest Post by Bella Shadows
I would like all you smutpunk muhfuckas to welcome the juicy and sexy Bella Shadows to the blog. She’s going to teach you how to go and fuck yourself. Smutpunk: Seriously? Yep. And you’d best listen and learn well because there’s going to be a test later. Your life just may depend on it, okay? She’s got the skills to teach and rumor has it that you ain’t doin’ it right, so you’d better put that thinking cap on your head. The other head, you naughty little pig. Rimmies, MJ
Sploosh — How to Eat Pussy – Sex Tip #14
Eating Pussy isn’t that hard if you follow these three steps: be gentle, take your time, and dive in.
First you need to be gentle with a pussy. You can’t just grab her by the pussy and expect her to sploosh all over. No no no. Sploosh takes touch. You need to feel where she is as far as sensitivity and where she is emotionally. Women can be incredibly complex, like I can’t cum unless the light is on and the music is loud, or incredibly simple such as I cum no matter what, no matter, no bullshit. First, you need to be gentle with her while doing a little reconasaince work to figure out where she is on the maintenance spectrum. Do you need to get every small detail right to please this pussy, or is just a matter of find the clit and put your tongue on it?
Take your time and work with the pussy. Don’t go right for the clit and suck on it vigorously. No. Start with foreplay. You need to provide her with kisses. Deep French kisses, of course, are the best and then work down to her chin, her neck, her chest, her belly, then go around the pussy (yes, even if it’s out and glistening with sploosh), and lick her ass cheeks, her outer thighs, the back of her knees and come back up her inner thighs. When you do finally make contact with her pussy, run your tongue over her petals from side to side without stopping to eat her out. Tease her. Make her wait for it. The more she wants it, needs it, the more she’ll enjoy it. So take your time and tease that pussy!
Now comes the part here you dive right in. I do say dive in because there are times that you could use a wet suit. Other times she will take forever, the sun and moon will switch places in the sky, and you will end up with lockjaw. However, the main point here is that you need to go for it. Don’t just give a half-assed taste and shake your head and stick your dick in her. No. You need to worship that pussy, get intimate with it, know its hopes and dreams. Is it a pussy that had its acting dreams crushed by an asshole father or is it a pussy that is in touch with itself like a yoga guru with each limb? You need to get to know the pussy. I suggest you kiss the pussy. Kiss on top of it, plant a smooch on the bush (if there is any), then French kiss the lips. Think of it this way, you’re woman has two sets of lips to kiss. Give both pairs equal amounts of attention. Whatever you think is the proper amount of attention, put that to the third power, and then (maybe then) will you have kissed those pussy lips enough. Here are some tricks. Find the very bottom of her pussy and place your tongue on it. Make your tongue as wide as possible and move up centimeter by centimeter. Count to a minimum of ten seconds before you move up. The idea is to take a small, delicious forever before reaching the next stop on her petals. You may want to hold her ass cheeks while making your way from the bottom to the top of her pussy. You may want to hold her tits. That’s up to you, but whatever it is — take your time. When you do get to the clit, it’s time to adore it. Play with the clit. Nibble on the clit (use your lips more than teeth if she’s sensitive, which you should assume she is until you find out she’s not). Suck on the clit. Then rub the clit. Use the pad of your fingertips (unless you have callouses — ouch!). Rub the pads of your fingertips on her clit in tight, soft circles. Use the saliva and her wetness to keep it lubed and flying along. Try to barely touch her. The more you touch her invisibly the more you will tease that pussy and remember that teasing is good. After rubbing her with your fingers go back to tonguing her clit. You can start to flick your tongue over the clit, but this may be too much until she’s well into it. Once you’ve got her good and wet and into it (you’ll know my moaning, squirming, and her hands in your hair and on your head), then start to finger insider her pussy while you lick her clit. Finger her deep to her g-spot by hooking your middle finger and using the pad of your fingertip to touch her softly from the inside and hold pressure are her while you stimulate her clit simultaneously. The spot is kind of under her pelvis, so you’re simultaneously putting your finger insider her and up her and back towards yourself. You’re softly hooking her. You’ll know when you’ve found the spot from her reaction and it will feel fucking good on your fingertip (yes, it will!).
At this point she’s kind of making herself cum on you. Your job is just to stay there applying pressure, not too hard, but firm and coax the climax, elicit the orgasm, stir the sex haze until she shouts your name and falls back on the bed like a dead fish. If she’s hyped up, now is a good time to fuck her. She will give you the ride of a lifetime at this point — they always do. Otherwise, just pat yourself on the back (she should be way too spent to do so) and go about your business.
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Conversation that started this cunnilingus article out . . .
MJ: well, why don’t you teach me before I teach the world. LOL. At least give the essentials I should include
MJ: Porn is all tongue flick. that aint eating pussy. where’s the creativity?
MJ: What? Why not? You started it. Come on, tell me about eating pussy?
Renata: Ask your wife lol
MJ: Fuck it. How do you like your pussy eaten? Do you like nibbling on the clit? sucking? Are you into tongue slow and long on the petals? LOL, my wife? That’s the last pussy I want to eat! And you know it!
Moctezuma: Actually my wife is pretty orgasmic. She’s not that hard to make cum. Some women leave you with lockjaw.
Moctezuma: Yes, lockjaw! Fuck, just cum already! I had a friend in high school who used to complain that she took too long to cum so I ate her out as a dare, with a clock and all. LOL
Renata: This one time…I sound like an American pie movie. On of my exec got so carried away that I swear my clit was sprained. Hurt to a fortnight! And there go the typos!
How to Score a Book Boyfriend In the Flesh
Three Cockish Tips to Get the Man of Your Dreams to Appear in front of your Eyes
It has come to my attention that 60% of the women out there would prefer a book boyfriend to a real one. That’s an interesting fact. I started thinking about why I have fucked so many women and something occurred to me. I usually try to have a deep conversation with a woman who I am meeting for the first time. I want to meet ‘on the level.’ Usually, though, I find she’s not up to the task and then change gears to just trying to take advantage of her, which she is often game for. It’s almost like fucking is easier than talking. However, on the rare occasions when the two meet, you have a sizzling chemistry. I think that’s really what most of the women out there are looking for, the meeting of brains and brawn in one package. Well, from what I spy looking around, achieving that is a two-way street and, while men are sometimes to blame for dropping the ball, there are things you women can do better too. Here are three easy steps to finding a man as great as your ideal book boyfriend in the flesh: read, share, and eliminate the noise.
You need to read. The things is, when I look around FB most people are just reading the same old tired genre fiction. Yes, I look down on that (and, yes, I know there are exceptions). You need to expand your horizons and actually read stuff of merit. I write erotica. I know it’s crap. I can vouch for that (check the book shop here to verify). I’m not saying every erotica book isn’t worth reading. Many books are great. However, to feed the soul and become the kind of woman that a great man wants, takes a little more than reading a series of one wank wonders (as enjoyable as each may be). Read some philosophy, read some scientific treatises, read some literature. One of the reasons I am such a slow reviewer is that I read one erotica for every ten to fifteen other books I read. I like science (if you don’t know where to start, try Watson & Crick’s Double Helix, science-fiction (try Foundation by Isaac Asimov), and literature (try Cosmicomics by Italo Calvino) the most, but there’s a wide range of topics to read.
Next, to score yourself an amazing book boyfriend in the flesh, you’ll need to share posts (particularly my posts for maximum browning points). Share other writers, share what you love. Share good stuff. And cut out this inspirational bullshit (see B.A. Ro’lyin for what NOT TO DO, lol. Sorry, babe!). Being cute won’t get you jackshit in this life filled with assholes, backstabbers, and republicans. You need to be a hustler making moves. You need to actively employ that genius. You need firepower on the tongue and chili powder in the soul. If you prepare your brain-soul-loin connect properly, you don’t need some bullshit meme to tell you how to live or encourage you to keep doing what you already know. Not if you’re a smutpunk. And I know you’re a smutpunk, or why the fuck else would you be on this blog reading this shit? Right!? So get to it, share smutpunk and romance and all the good shit you love and build your network.
Last, cut the noise. Facebook is a good example of how there’s so much noise out there that seems okay that you may not even notice it is bad for you. There’s fake news, contradicting half-baked memes, religious quotes, romantic posts, and other complete mumbo jumbo. You scroll quickly through and think it isn’t infecting your brain, but it is. It’s a fucking virus. Beware! My advice, if you want to make a deep connection with a person that is rewarding mentally and physically, is shut the noise down and concentrate.
I’m not sure this really constitutes a sex tip. Maybe I have this in the wrong category. In fact, I’m not sure this is a tip at all. Maybe it’s a life hack. Maybe it’s a note to self to focus. I guess the point is that a book boyfriend (or girlfriend, of course) isn’t going to come to an undeveloped person. You need to cultivate what you are. Let me help.
Step one, use those buttons below to share this sex tip post by Moctezuma Johnson, author of THE SEX MANUAL.
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Sex Tip No. 12 – Spanking
Part of the Weekly Sex Tips Series
Spanking has been around for a very long time. So although we haven’t invented it, we can certainly enjoy it whether you are spanking or being spanked.
The key to spanking is to develop a soft spank. There will be time for hard spanking later, if your partner can take it and likes it, but first there needs to be a soft spank. Start by caressing the ass. That’s the main thing before spanking hard. You want to sneak up on that ass after a good caress, and THWACK! But not too hard. You can scare your partner half to death, so BE GENTLE!
Wait wait, pump the brakes, let me make some obligatory comment: Before Striking Anyone’s Big Phat Fine Booty, get their consent.
Good Girl Spanking
Now, let’s get into the blurry lines of pain and pleasure, of power and sex. Many woman are attracted to men in suits or men with (or who appear to have) money. Why is this? Power. Money is a symbol of power. Nothing turns most people on more than taking or giving power, based on that person’s personal needs/desires. Spanking is a transference of power. The one spanking has the power. The one being spanked is giving the power. The spanker in good girl spanking is often the guy fucking the girl from behind and slapping her ass while she’s in that ass-sexy doggy style position (see last week’s post about properly arching the back, ladies!). Spanking during doggy style is a good girl spanking. She’s getting fucked hard. There’s no seeing each other’s faces, she feels like an animal and the spank is a kind of powerful way to remind her—giddy-up—to move faster and really push back on that dick. It’s a way for the person spanking her and fucking her to say, good girl. Of course there’s a little more to it than simply one giving and one taking, but for this short post I’m not going to get into the deep and muddy waters of how the submissive is really in control and all that acid jazz. For this post, the one spanking is taking charge.
Bad Girl Spanking
However, spanking doesn’t have to be a good girl confidence boost. It can be a punishment. Spanking can be a more of a bad girl ritual. You can get her in a slutty outfit and use some paraphernalia like crops, whips, and paddles to punish your partner for bad behavior. You may still want to caress that ass a little bit first to warm it up before dishing out your punishment, but ultimately you are meant to cause pain and to keep your disobedient slave in line. This can be a punishment for not following orders, for dressing incorrectly, or anything up you dream up.
60% of women like to be spanked!
Pain and Pleasure Come from the SAME receptors int he brain (if you’re reading this blog, my guess is that you already knew that. SMUTPUNK up, baby!)
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Talking Dirty in Bed
Talking Dirty is Definitely an Art Form
Some people are quiet in bed, some people are talkative. Some people love dirty words! Some people are easily offended. Before you let the dirty talk rip, make sure you’re in bed with another smart, curse-loving degenerate like yourself!
You’re a dirty cunt! And you love every minute of cock stretching you out.
There’s a good example of what I like to say to my wife in the sack. I wouldn’t say she’s quite a curse-loving degenerate but damn the bitch nasty once her titties out. So, once you get yourself in the company of a nasty fucker, be sure to find pet names for you and your partner(s). Some of the most common are Master, Daddy, Mistress, Goddess, Kitten, Horse Cock, Super Squirter, Cunt, Bitch, Slut, Cum Rag, Nut Drowner, Butt Raper, Bottom Pig, etc. There are also all kinds of pet names for your partners so I won’t go into a super long list here, but if you need more please ask in the comments below and add your favs.
I like to call my wife slut and have her do degrading things like lick my asshole, swallow my cum, and finger herself while I squirt her in the face with a water-gun filled with vanilla yogurt. Tonight I got up behind her on the parlor floor and she told me she felt useless until she had cock in her. That was fun for me. Everybody is a bit different and the only thing that’s really a must is that you really lay it on. You can’t kind of do. You need to ask him to break your uterus and drown you in seventy-three cumblasts, don’t say merely “make love to me.” Now, get up in that ass. Tell him you want to fill the bathtub with jizz and slide around. Hyperbole is sexy. Tell her you’re going to pound that ass until it bleeds and then feed your dick to her when it’s all nasty.
Like Chris Rock says, “you can’t say, excuse me ma’am…I have a request, would you lick my balls.” No. Wrong. You have to grab her and with authority say, “lick my balls, bitch!”
My most successful come-on, no joke, is simply: Kneel down, whore! Sometimes I whisper this gold nugget to chicks that I hope to sleep with at really inopportune date moments, like waiting on line at the movies, or when she’s talking to a girlfriend of hers in a restaurant or at the bar. That sets the tone for my intentions and plants the seed. I also say it to women I’ve never spoken to. I’ll go around a club and say that to fifty women. Often fifty will look at me like I’m nuts (which I love!) and then I can either backtrack and start a normal conversation since the ice is broken or she says something to the effect of, “fuck off creep!” to which I go into my “Oh you’re to good for me to talk with speech” which is a real winner (email me if you’d like the script). You may be thinking, what the fuck? MJ’s crazy. But I’m not. The world is crazy. I’m sane for noticing. See, I’ll show you I’m sound as a pound. I used the number fifty for a reason. If I ask fifty women something I may get shot down by every single one of them, but if I ask one hundred women (especially in a place with alcohol) to do anything (and, yes i mean anything) I will get a yes. I’m not saying they will all say yes. Oh no. Not all, but one out of one hundred will be kneeling down in the bathroom after a drink. Go ahead try it.
Some Great Promotions that I Completely Stand Behind (and in front of):
Can’t get enough dirty talk from your partner? Then check out Bree Olsen Talking Dirty to You. Simply upload her sexy voice to your Smart Phone, MP3 player, Music Library, Tablet, CD player or anywhere you listen to music and enjoy the aural fantasy guaranteed to rock your world! Play it discreetly or as loud as you want.
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Sex Tip of the Week – The Art of Pleasuring Yourself
It seems simple enough. Touch yourself in the way that brings you pleasure. While that is true there’s a way to make it a bit more exciting and I don’t mean by sitting on your hand until it goes numb so you feel like you’re being touched by a stranger. The key to pleasuring yourself properly is, don’t just give in so easily. I mean what fun is a roll in the hay when you don’t have to chase the person for at least a little bit. The quest from being turned down to lowering the panties is where most of the thrill is! Right? Of course, so don’t be so easy with yourself. Don’t just plop down, spread your legs, and start rubbing that sweet little nub. Give yourself a little show. Make yourself work a bit to get you. Be the hunter. Be the hunted. What fun is Luke Skywanker’s journey without the evil Lord ‘Bater in his way? So as your hand slides down to give yourself a little sugar, slap it away with that other hand and admonish, “Hey, I’m not that kind of girl.” Now your blood should quit festering like a New York City puddle infested with West Nile mosquitoes and start running like the Usumacinta River. Now that you’ve got your attention, give yourself a little slap. Nothing to draw blood, unless that’s the only way to get your juices flowing (in that case, slap the hide off yourself), but more of a push pull with yourself. Now you can start pleasuring yourself, but don’t just bring yourself to orgasm, tissue off, and call it a day. Nope. Get yourself right up to the precipice and stop. That’s right, stop. Leave yourself there, you naughty tease. “Don’t stop,” tell yourself. Then say, “What a desperate little bitch you are,” to yourself. I really believe in speaking honestly with myself and you should get in the practice of being honest with yourself. “You’ll just die if I don’t make you cum, huh?” That’s right, tease yourself. Now bring yourself to the verge of orgasm again. STOP! Yep. One more time, don’t give in to your greedy self. You stay strong, baby! Now I want you to touch yourself with all that pent up passion. Jack- or Jill-off with gusto! Rip past any roadblocks now and let that orgasm cascade over you. It will be much stronger and more satisfying since you resisted your desperate self a little bit.
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Some Great Promotions that I Completely Stand Behind (and in front of) since they are all tip top for pleasuring yourself!
Sex Tip #8 – Big Brains are Sexy. In fact, they’re PHAB!
Big, veiny, wet brains. Yum. There’s nothing hotter than a chick with a big, sexy brain. I’ll take brains over big tits, big ass, or anything. But not everybody is blessed with a big brain, so what can you do to make your brain smarter (yes, there are things).
Read, but don’t read shit. Read good stuff like literature, various news sources (most outside of the US if you want to avoid the propaganda machine), learn languages, learn music, master sports, cook, practice tantric sex, flirt, talk with people, and listen. The same way a hot ass chick with a big, thick ass that doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it does squats religiously at the gym you should be putting that brain to study. In 2016, being an idiot was en vogue but that shit has to stop. I mean it. Stop chuckling. We are on the verge of World War III with these fucks in power. Climate change could kill us all. Nuclear weapons can obliterate us at the turn of a key. MJ, do you always have to be so serious? Can’t we just chill? Sure we can chill, but me, I only want to chill with people who are smart and often find myself all alone. I know you big brained fuckers who love to drink, curse, and fuck are out there, but there are fewer and fewer of us. Today’s people can’t even tell real news from fake news. I mean, some moron bust into a pizza shop down the road demanding to see the children in the basement. The place has no basement, let alone no children in a Hillary Clinton Sex Sweat Shop Scheme. This fucker was armed (only in America! I tell you!) and even after being arrested and told the truth couldn’t process the thing. You know what I say: Bullshit is Truth, Truth Bullshit.” But this isn’t acceptable. Nothing sexy about that nut. But the thing is, although he’s extreme, people are unable to differentiate fact from fiction. They don’t grasp sarcasm, have no idea what metatext or context is, and don’t think critically. These are essential skills for a forward thinking world. So I’m sorry that I had to take a break from teaching you how to relax your throats and swallow cock because we are all getting throatfucked by governments worldwide and I think it’s time to say so. There’s plenty you can do but if you’re not learning anything at the moment, shame on you. You’re part of the problem. So be sexy. Put down the erotica and the crappy bestsellers and try something worthwhile: Think. It may be illegal soon.