Every day in April this website will promote one author in support of the SMUTPUNK MEGA FREEBIE GIVEAWAY EVENT. Today’s author is the amazing Lady Ristretto, who recently did a guest post about Action Figure Erotica. Well, now you get to read some of it for free in the giveaway event. I’d like to share a little bit about the author, so you can get to know her a bit. Of course you can follow her on social media and the like, but here we will give an uncut, uncensored intimate look into some of her inner workings.
MJ: What do you wear when you write Action Figure Erotica?
MJ: Do you have action figures on the desk when you write (assuming you write on a desk)?
LR: tank top and pj pants. I write in the early morning or late at night. My pj pants have cats on unicorns battling dogs riding narwhals.
Alas, all of my action figures were lost in my divorce, but I do have a Kylo Ren bobble head who watches me write.
MJ: What’s your favorite color for men’s underwear?
LR: Favorite color of men’s underwear. I think my honest answer has to be “whatever”. I’m usually staring too much as the guy’s ass or package to notice his fashion. But when I’m at Target and see men’s underwear, I always like really crazy, tacky shit. Anything that looks mature and serious seems inappropriate.
MJ: Bacon or Sausage?
Bacon (I had a bacon action figure and, alas, it was consumed in the divorce). I heard somewhere that bacon is nature’s meat candy. Agreed.
MJ: Abs or ass? Redhead, Brunette, Blonde, or Bald? Bald, landing strip, or hairy bush?
Abs or ass? I had an abs discussion with my husband while we were watching soccer. Once Ronaldo showed off his perfect abs during a goal celebration. Like so perfect they looked like he used makeup to accentuate their Botoxed ridges. I found them not only hilarious, but evil. Great abs are a sign of a mind obsessed with self image to the point that it will over exercise a particular muscle group just to look stunning. I have no scientific evidence to support this and I’m completely irrational bordering on having a manic episode, but there it is. As for asses, not by default, but because it makes me think about having a woman on her hands and knees and eating her out from behind. Saw it once in a porno about a football player and a cheerleader. He had great abs. Life makes no sense.
Bald. Not because I like them prepubescent. It’s that hair reminds me of the early days of my period and I’d get blood knotted in my pubic hair. (You asked, but probably not for that much detail. Life is endlessly giving us what we don’t want and grossing us out.). Landing strips are just funny. I mean, it’s like a pussy has a Mohawk.
MJ: Pen Name or Real Name? Ever given a a golden shower?
Pen name, most definitely. I picked Ristretto because I have crazy amounts of barista experience and became a coffee snob. My most profound coffee experience was in a train station in Prague. I had a doppio ristretto and it was so strong, so powerful, I became a woman that day.
I added the title of “Lady” because of the “naughty aristocracy” schtick. Thought it made me sound sexier, more mysterious, hahaha
Bane was right.
Well, it’s complicated. I gave one during a sexting email conversation with a guy in Paris I had a semi-serious relationship with. Chatting was our entire relationship, and it was sometimes crazy, sometimes extreme. As in once we wrote a story about me being a cat and he getting off watching me use a litter box.
In real life, my first boyfriend peed in my mouth. Does that count?
MJ: have you ever broken anybody’s heart? why?
LR: Relentlessly. I’ll confess my worst, because this interview should be raw, right, and above all interesting. I had a boyfriend who was in remission from leukemia. It happened before we got together and it was a nasty, rare strain. He also had anger problems. He had severely hurt people for minor infractions. He threatened to kill me if I cheated on him. I believed him. I cheated on him twice. The second time I did it was while he was in the hospital after his leukemia reoccurred. I broke up with him not long after, when he transferred to a hospital out of state for more advanced treatment. The leukemia came back with incredible fierceness, having rewritten itself so it might combat his chemo. And they were pumping him with arsenic, too (it nearly poisoned me when I gave him blowjobs and swallowed). I found out recently that he died a few years ago. Shit, this got serious.
MJ: very serious. I asked if you broke anybody’s heart, not if you ever killed someone with a blowjob. Shit. Okay, back on track: baths or showers?
Showers, definitely. Baths are too sexually stimulating.
MJ: anal on first dates? why or why not?
First of all, I don’t date. I have sex with people and then decide if a relationship will work. Second, I’m sure I have had anal on the first date, I just don’t remember. It’s not a big deal to me. It’s just sex in a different position. Would I have sex with a dog on the first date? No. With a minor, no. Extreme physical torture, no.
MJ: I think anal on the first date may still be a taboo. I have to check with the kids. That’s why in the old days it was so hot. Nothing’s so extreme anymore. Back on track: rope play?
Never done it. No one I’ve known has been into it. And I dated an Eagle Scout (the one who peed in my mouth). If anyone could’ve tied knots it would’ve been him.
MJ: shower before or after sex?
After, and it’s usually with the other person. That’s the point, right?
MJ: You’re asking me the point? I don’t know the point of anything at all. All I can do is point out some of the absurdity and mock people I don’t like. After that I’m powerless. Thank you for sharing your darkest and most intimate secrets.
Read more from Lady Ristretto and the other 30+ participating authors:
I have been lucky enough to meet some incredible people through this blog and my writing career. Today, we get a special treat. We get to look into the depraved, highly-intellectual mind of my new friend Lady Ristretto. Without further ado, I give the floor to the Mistress of Kool Kink . . .
Action Figure Erotica: how adults play with their toys
Once upon a time, it all began with Robot Chicken (RC). I was in grad school working on a Phd in theater when I saw its first episode.
It was dazzling, elegant, simple. Fifteen minute episodes comprised of seconds-long sketches using a variety of toys and action figures from the eighties. The writing was tight, funny, and smart.
RC is to comedy as Action Figure Erotica (AFE) is to sex.
But AFE aspires to be more than RC. Or, perhaps, it aspires to be as smart and sharp as RC is at its best.
Of course, this genre is merely the red-headed stepchild of historical fiction. Our culture certainly has a boner for historical accuracy and museum quality fiction. Gary Oldman just won an Oscar for his nuanced portrayal of Winston Churchill. Daniel Day Lewis also portrayed Lincoln, Philip Seymour Hoffman was Capote, and Judi Dench as Queen Victoria. These are only a few. Audiences jizz over watching these difficult, meticulously detailed, highly quaffed performances. It’s as if the real people are resurrected and we’re watching a reality show with extreme pageantry, and we all gain cultural capital.
I reject Museum Quality and Historical Accuracy. I don’t believe that Accuracy can be attained. History is a story written by an academic using facts and artifacts to interpret an event in time. Even AFE is History. It isn’t good history, but it does follow the strict definition of history. And it has a lot of sex in it, even when it is gratuitous and used as structurally as punctuation marks.
I have too much education and it has influenced what AFE stories I tell. I’m attracted to the brainy intellectuals, those figures who have been made into action figures because of their scientific or literary work. I love mythological figures as well, for they are at the heart of much cultural history, and can be as influential as real people. This includes every character from any story, from Gilgamesh to Rick and Morty.
Who wouldn’t want to read a sex scene between the multi-armed Hindu goddess Kali and President Abraham Lincoln. Or Marie Curie and Medusa?
So what is AFE exactly? Are there rules? These are my guidelines:
- The main characters must have been made into action figures. It doesn’t matter if the subject is a real or fictional person. I wrote a story about Bernie Sanders and Anne Frank. Yes, Anne Frank has an action figure. I have more flexibility for supporting characters, to make the stories more interesting and my life easier.
- The definition of what constitutes an “action figure” is pretty loose. Sometimes to make things easy on myself, I’ll go so far to include bobble heads. Generally, anything that is a small representation of a person counts.
- No particular genre is required other than erotica. There has to be fucking. Any kind of fucking. It doesn’t have to be extreme, strange, or vanilla. Of course, interesting scenarios do present themselves. How would Cthulhu fuck? Would Quasimodo be into cuckolding? Can Medusa’s snakes function as sexual organs? What would William Howard Taft look like as he orgasmed?
- Avoid copyright wars. I usually have no problem stealing images and writing plays that are collages of copyrighted texts; I get on my high horse and scream that I’m stealing in the name of art. But when it comes to using copyrighted characters in a text through which I might make money (there’s no money in theater), I don’t make my life potentially miserable. I force myself to creative. For example, Marie Curie saves the Titanic with the help of Kent Calhoun, a flying alien with superhuman strength, and his billionaire friend Brewster Wainwright, a brooding genius that has built a mechanical suit for himself that makes him look like a bat. You can still have your way and it does make it more fun for the audience to be in on a subtle joke.
- Don’t worry about timelines or justifying why youthful Albert Einstein, Rosie the Riveter, and Victor Frankenstein are living in the same era. Time isn’t the point. Accuracy isn’t the point.
- Because of its inspiration to RC, don’t assume that AFE must be funny. The scenarios sound absurd, but the stories needn’t be. My Marie Curie has PTSD from an abusive marriage and is an alcoholic. With the help of Bernie Sanders, Anne Frank works through the trauma she endured in Auschwitz. And Abraham Lincoln is suffering from shell shock and taking a siesta in the desert, working himself back up to returning to the civil war. There are also fun elements—such as a brothel of (My Little) Ponies run by a cyclops. I mix up the drama and absurdity; that’s what I learned from watching M.A.S.H. through my childhood. That’s what life really is: horror and clowns. Clowns who make us laugh and then hit us in the face with a hatchet. (But you needn’t be so extreme.)
Above all, I believe in fun. The fun doesn’t have to be pie-in-the-face, but not every treatment of history must look like it emerged from the British Museum. That’s what action figures are: they are toys representing some of the greatest minds we’ve ever known (imagine the great minds that haven’t been documented by history) available to us so we can play. The toys aren’t fixed in scenes as characters in movies. They are autonomous and designed to be put in new stories with new people, inviting us to be creative and playful.
That’s the most important thing: AFE must be playful, creative, and sexual. Shouldn’t that be something we all be in our own lives?