Wait, what’s in the bag? Is it makeup? Is it a book? Is it a butt plug? Read the Sex Manual by Moctezuma Johnson and find out. This non-fiction manual is loaded with useful advice, tons of metaphors, and a lot of over-the-top humor, the kind you’ve come to expect from Moctezuma Johnson. It is written in two sections, one for men and one for women, so it has everybody covered. Learn how to give better head, dress better, and how to convince your partner of a wide range of naughty, no, fuck that we aren’t on facecunt, downright motherfucking nasty shit like ass to mouth and facefucking in public.
Although each woman and man is different, these Sex Tips can save you valuable time and effort
The key thing with any ass from virgin to experienced is to get the ass to do the work.
What do I mean by that? Well, a dude can’t just jam his cock up a virgin asshole and expect it to go well. The ass has to take the cock. In other words, the ass is actually the leader although this may seem counter-intuitive to some of us. So the key here is to get the ass warmed up to a finger, or a butt plug, and let the ass kind of swallow the digit. The ass has to relax around it and let it come in. It’s up to the ass to lay down a welcome mat. To do so, it has to relax and feel inviting. Then an ass will be much more welcoming to a big dick or any other things you crazy kids dream up. Eating ass (last week’s sex tip), is an excellent precursor to a little butt plug action. As always the key is lube, lube, lube. When you think there’s more than enough lube on the ass, put more on. After you put more than you think you need on, you may have nearly enough.
What kind of lubes work well?
One things to never use is olive oil. You do not want all that trans fat, lol. I’m only partly kidding, the friction makes it very hot and the sex becomes nearly unbearably hot. Then all you’re trying to do is cum before your genitals set on fire. A better product is Cleanstream Relax Desensitizing Anal Lube, 17oz which is made for anal and desensitizes the area. You may also go with Shibari Personal Lubricant – Water Based 8oz Bottle. Look at all the Shibari reviews. It’s a good brand and this is good stuff although it’s not specifically made for anal sex.
What else do you need?
The other item you really want to take care to buy is a good butt plug. There are lots out there that aren’t very good, and your ass is not a place where you want to sacrifice quality. “Doctor I have no idea how that got up there!” Sure. Just admit you bought a cheap butt plug and the base broke off or was so narrow your greedy ass just sucked it up. Seriously, the key to a good plug is a wide base. You want to make sure it stays where it should. A butt plug that gets really high reviews because it is attractive and well-made (in other words safe) is PURE Njoy Metal Butt Plug Large 4 Inch Polished Steel. Another option is the Beginner Anal Plug Trainer Kit, which could be a great starting anal toy. Or, make shopping quick and easy by taking advantage of the lube and butt plug kit that makes shopping a breeze: Njoy Pure Plug Large with Sliquid Sassy Anal Lube. Finally, I’d be remiss not to include at least one Romi Jeweled Butt Plug for all the princesses out there (and who says your man can’t be your sweet anal princess, right!? So be creative and thoughtful, ladies).
Once you have the lube and the butt plug of your choice, insert it very slowly. Let the ass take the plug. Like parliament/funkadelic sing, “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Let the ass open up to the plug and then kind of eat it like it was slurping up pasta. Err, that’s a weird image, but I think you get the point that it has to slide (not JAM!) in. So take it easy, lube it up good, and slide it in. Then leave it there and let your ass get comfy around it.
Now that ass is sexy and warmed up for the next level.
Want more sex tips?
Next Sex Tip: Angry Sex
Previous Sex Tip: Eating Ass
Thank you, Sir. Please Cum Again
we’ve never met before
but choose a waffle house
as our rendezvous
cause coffee and hash browns
she waits standing with her ass
against a table
she works there
she’s the manager, closing
i came in the door she’s left unlocked
as soon as I see her
i throw her down
as soon as i see her
her panties are off
at her ankles
with her jean shorts
her shoulders are pinned
her legs are up
over my shoulders
both her hands are under her ass
offering her cunt to me
but i spit on it
instead spike cock up her ass
the lights are on and anyone driving by can see
the sexy glasses wearing manager
getting fucked with laminated menus
sticking to her sweaty naked back
with her tank top up and her titties shaking
nipples jiggling on top like a cherry on gelatin
she’s grunting and moaning
holding her ass up for my pleasures
I reach down and take her aface and say,
“You’re a delicious whore,”
and slap her hard across the face
her asshole clenches and coaxes out my cum
right up her asshole
her nipples bloom
a moan slips out from her gorgeous mouth
I pull my cock and before the cum leaks out
I tap her ass with a buttplug
“Hold my cum inside you,” I say.
Then I lower my face to her bald cunt
and lick her clit
Her knees close on me
her pussy is my late night waffle snack
I leave my tongue flat against it
I don’t move it
she kind of grinds her clit against my immobile tongue
while I reach up and grab her tits
I rub them then pull the nipples
then reach for the tabasco and steak sauce
I dump both on her clit and go back to licking
getting that sour steak sauce to tame her cunt
getting that spicy tabasco to enrage her cunt
she moans and her hips quake
she grabs my head and pushed me so hard
i swim in her cuntlips and my nose is against her clit
before i regain my bearings and let her rub her clit to orgasm
shaking, shrieking, waffle house orgasm
right there on the table
her body flails like a fish out of water
until her hands drop her own ass
down to the table with a thud
i crash into the booth
pants still down
she rolls over and lowers her mouth onto my cock.
with her ass cheeks spread open
head buried in the sheets
asshole stretched out and open
like a train tunnel to a foreign land
thighs thick and smooth
panties damp at ankles
she seems about right.
She wags her tongue
power my locomotive to China
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