I want to thank Callie for agreeing to post on my dirty little site. She’s got more balls than most men I know and also has big tits. In other words, she’s a hot, mental Futa! Let me introduce her and then make way for the juggernaut of smart that is Ms. Press. 

While Callie could barely type a word thanks to being as high as the Fuck Force Five flying to Planet Alien Relish I asked her to guest post because she was blowing my mind with these ideas that all the alpha males have gone with Joe DiMaggio and (Paul Simon is a prick by the way, unrelated) and that even Playboy — what? — has given up on nudity and fallen into the horrifying, sanitized, apathetic throes of censorship and handbag carrying pussy-men. 

GUEST POST: CALLIE PRESS (tastefully airbrushed for your pleasure) 

So I’m recovering from surgery and full of hydrocodone, which means I am tweeting endless insane DMs to MJ. As a result, when I ranted at least somewhat coherently on a subject, I got this DM in return:

Guest post for me please! Pretty please. Pretty no nudity in playboy and I carry a handbag please.

How can I refuse? That’s 3 pleases from MJ without even one mention of a gagging blowjob or a gaping ass fuck, so I know he really, really meant it. Besides, I’d do it for him if he asked me in any case, if I wasn’t totally absent-minded about things.

So this topic is Playboy removing nudity from the magazine. I know print is dying (I know it first hand, I used to make a living in the newspaper industry) and I guess they want to be more PC since Hef is finally aware he’s mortal. And I’m as feminist as anybody. All my life I’ve done what I wanted because that’s what men do and I didn’t care if someone said I couldn’t do something ‘because I’m a girl.’ I was never ashamed of enjoying sex even though it didn’t go over too well in my religious household or in the small towns we landed in once we left Detroit.

But won’t someone think of the CHILDREN? What kind of men are we making?

Hear me out. Yeah, porn is everywhere on the internet. And it’s trivial to hide looking at it, even if you have a prudish wife like in that atrocious and hysterically funny made-by-a-local-church movie “Fight” (trust me it’s HIGH LARIOUS). Or even if you just have a jealous wife like I can be sometimes. (I want all the attention by those who have a cock, it’s just how I’m made). And little girls and little boys both need some evidence that their dads have a pair, no matter what kind of a shrieking harpy their mother may be.

I found my dad’s playboys when I was probably 12, under the seat of his car. They were there, instead of in the house, because my mom has always been a…difficult person. And I looked at them and it didn’t traumatize me. I have older sisters; the anatomy wasn’t new, but the beauty of the anatomy was. And it made me think, wow, Dad likes women, and Mom can’t control him so much that he stops liking women.

It was a good thing to know. For a lot of men, sadly, it seems this is the closest they ever come to having a spine. For some men, as lame as it is, it’s the only sort of ‘rebellion’ or ‘alpha behavior’ they can ever manage to get away with. And did my Mom know he had Playboys? Of course she knew. Every woman knows. It’s like the only ‘boys will be boys’ thing that is really acceptable out of a man, at least after a few kids, for most women in this day and age. It’s that little spark of ‘bad boy’ that we can just knowingly smile about, even if we pretend to be offended. (Even if you are truly offended, actually.)

What’s missing? Oh, my balls. Shit.

Not any more though. Now if you want to see a tasteful naked woman, you have to do it on the internet. Yeah, that happens, right? Kids can’t learn about males’ natural drives in such an innocent and healthy way. Hell, the first time my husband ever saw a naked woman was when he found his dad’s cache of playboys…how many grown men can say the same thing? A lot of you. Someday that will be none. They’ll only get what they see on the internet, which is of course in a frantic race to reach the bottom. Tomorrow’s men won’t learn by seeing lovingly shot, carefully airbrushed, tasteful nudity. Their first glimpse of a naked woman will probably be stumbling on gangbang sites or something that really can dehumanize women who like sex. There’s no personal context unless it’s like fifteen seconds of the hot wife and hubby on the couch saying the same things as the last fifty couples who sat on the couch.

What it’s going to do is just neuter most men even more than they already have been neutered. I’m not saying I want a world full of alpha males, but this is the kind of thing that puts the boot on the alphas’ necks and makes betas out of them. The good men who happen to be alphas are stuck pretending not to be. The actual alphas that are left ‘in the wild’ are going to be the sociopaths, and it’s going to make women even more susceptible to them than we already are.

I want men to have the chance to buy their ‘dirty magazines’ or whatever and let their wives and girlfriends know, maybe you can TAME me, but you can’t CASTRATE me. I’m glad my hubby still has his god damn Carmen Electra issue, even if it makes me so jealous I want to slap her. If he isn’t enjoying how women look, he sure as hell isn’t enjoying how I look.

Let the boys look, for fuck’s sake. It’s good for everybody.

^.^

$. Callie $

Callie Press is the genius who created Butterface, as if you didn’t know that. Also, she be hot and gives great head.