Sex Tip #8: Brains are Sexy – How to be positively PHAB!

sex-tip-8-brains-are-sexy-PHAB

Sex Tip #8 – Big Brains are Sexy. In fact, they’re PHAB! 

Big, veiny, wet brains. Yum. There’s nothing hotter than a chick with a big, sexy brain. I’ll take brains over big tits, big ass, or anything. But not everybody is blessed with a big brain, so what can you do to make your brain smarter (yes, there are things).

Read, but don’t read shit. Read good stuff like literature, various news sources (most outside of the US if you want to avoid the propaganda machine), learn languages, learn music, master sports, cook, practice tantric sex, flirt, talk with people, and listen. The same way a hot ass chick with a big, thick ass that doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it does squats religiously at the gym you should be putting that brain to study. In 2016, being an idiot was en vogue but that shit has to stop. I mean it. Stop chuckling. We are on the verge of World War III with these fucks in power. Climate change could kill us all. Nuclear weapons can obliterate us at the turn of a key. MJ, do you always have to be so serious? Can’t we just chill? Sure we can chill, but me, I only want to chill with people who are smart and often find myself all alone. I know you big brained fuckers who love to drink, curse, and fuck are out there, but there are fewer and fewer of us. Today’s people can’t even tell real news from fake news. I mean, some moron bust into a pizza shop down the road demanding to see the children in the basement. The place has no basement, let alone no children in a Hillary Clinton Sex Sweat Shop Scheme. This fucker was armed (only in America! I tell you!) and even after being arrested and told the truth couldn’t process the thing. You know what I say: Bullshit is Truth, Truth Bullshit.” But this isn’t acceptable. Nothing sexy about that nut. But the thing is, although he’s extreme, people are unable to differentiate fact from fiction. They don’t grasp sarcasm, have no idea what metatext or context is, and don’t think critically. These are essential skills for a forward thinking world. So I’m sorry that I had to take a break from teaching you how to relax your throats and swallow cock because we are all getting throatfucked by governments worldwide and I think it’s time to say so. There’s plenty you can do but if you’re not learning anything at the moment, shame on you. You’re part of the problem. So be sexy. Put down the erotica and the crappy bestsellers and try something worthwhile: Think. It may be illegal soon.

 

ASIDE:

Big Sex Phat Ass Brains are sexy. “Man, she’s just PHAB,” says a dude in the bar. “What are you gay?” his buddy says elbowing him in the rib. “I ain’t gay, he says. She’s PHAB, got a Phat Ass Brain!”

$.

More Sex Tips

Previous Sex Tips: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

What Sex Tip Would You Like to See MJ Cover Next?

Moctezuma Johnson, Ruler of Literary Porn and Weird Shit that Makes him Laugh

What Sex Tip Would You Like to See MJ Cover Next?

I thought it was about time to open this little weekly tip up to you guys on my blog. Feel free to name the kink(s) you would like me tackle like steroid-laced power hungry president-elect on an unwitting actress and I promise I will look into writing them for the next tip. Also, if you have any kinks that you would like to guest post about, let me know.

Thanks! I look forward to your answers and comments. I think when I interact with you my writing really takes off. One of you awesome depraved fuckers suggested I write about bagpiping and that worked out pretty well, huh?

Sex Tips: This Week’s Topic is Sexual Bagpiping | Sex Tip #7

sex-tips-bagpiping-armpit-sex

Sex Tips help you maintain a healthy and happy life

I give you the tips Cosmo and your Priest are too timid to reveal

This may be new to a lot of people, it once was to me, but then I watched a lot of Japanese goo porn which opened up some new avenues for me. The wonderful thing with lotion play, or goo, as I like to call it, is that it changes the friction levels of our bodies in such a way that just about every part of the body becomes penetrable. So you once laughed at nasal sex, aural sex, elbow crook sex, back of the knee sex, and armpit sex? Well laugh no more! Because bagpiping is here and it’s en vogue, perverts. Why is sticking cock into an armpit called bagpiping? Bagpiping is named after the fact you use one arm to squeeze the “bladder” of the bagpipes. When a cock is nestled between arm and tit, she will use the same squeezing action to pleasure the penis. In fact, this is more pleasurable than tit-fucking, especially if the chick has small tits that are more perky than porn-star sized. There are a few ways to increase the pleasure: oil and smushing cockhead against tits. The cock will come toward the meaty side boob and this is a nice feeling against the sensitive head of the cock, so make sure the cockhead gets acquainted with the side boob and spray on oil liberally. Don’t be shy, lube up the shoulder, armpit, side-boob, cockhead, and more. The more everybody is slipping and sliding the happier the cock will be.

FUN FACT – The inside part of the elbow is really called the “weinis.” Try not to chuckle.

Previous Sex Tips: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

See some examples of women bagpiping:

8 armpit_cumshot-4_tmb girl-girl-boy bagpiping_sex_02 bagpiping_sex_03 c2ddd78958d7237dc92648a13a895a68-14 lyyousa milf_gets_her_armpit_fucked-4_tmb tumblr_mk55f7ptsq1s2a9pvo1_250

SEX TIP #6 – Role Play

Sex-Tip

SEX TIP No. 6 – Role Play

I’m the King of Spain and you’re a captured Moor wife thrown into my harem!

elly-tran-ha-in-korean-sexy-bikiniDon’t just get on top of each other and pump. Give a little historical context to the thing. Maybe you’re the professor and she’s the slutty student. Maybe she’s the Queen of England and you’re an attendant. Maybe you’re a beast and she’s your weak, defenseless prey. Maybe you’re the priest giving her a naughty, nasty, masturbatory penance. Spice it up by playing some roles. It’s XXXmas time so a naughty girl and good santa or vice versa can work, as well as some elf-punks getting jiggy on the rooftops. You really can’t go wrong with a little roleplay. Something about leaving your own constrictions has enormous, exponential freedom attached to it. I highly recommend you pretend to be me and have the time of your life. Oh yeah. Have yourself a SMUTPUNK spree. Read the books and apply reenactments liberally.

Next Tip: I have no idea (see previous)

Previous Sex Tip: Homemade Porn – Sex Tip No. 5 – Camera Placement for Home Porn

 

Roleplay / Cosplay Image Gallery featuring smoking hot chicks:

cosplay-sexy-smutpunk-cyberpunk-erotica

See More of the Cosplay Gallery

Homemade Porn – Sex Tip No. 5 – Camera Placement for Home Porn

homemade-porn

Sex Tip #5

Homemade Porn Secrets Revealed

CAMERA PLACEMENT: HOW TO MAKE A PORN VIDEO

Skullfucking | Jizzing on tits/face | Slapping Sluts with Cock | Gaping

homemade-porn

Click the Ass for Butt Blug Erotica

  1. first get yourself a slut, pig, or slave
  2. then you must think about camera placement
  3. film her from many angles for short periods of time
  4. use short clips about 20 to 30 seconds at a time (no more than a minute)
  5. Use the iPhone’s iMovie trailer to organize your homemade porn into an awesome personal porn opus (no, seriously, this is a fucking great idea!)
CAMERA PLACEMENT
  1. Before starting your own home porn movie, have her model a bit
    • her with clothes answering questions
      • name?
      • first time on video?
      • like cum?
      • like blowing dudes?
      • like big cock?
      • are you going to suck my big cock?
      • will you give me your ass today?
      • are you a slut? pig? slave? ugly whore?
      • do you have a boyfriend?
  1. For shooting a homemade porn blowjob there are a few positions.
    • the knees (guy standing):
      1. You can shoot up to down on the tripod.
      2. Or you can go down to up.
      3. You can shoot from the side, most common,
      4. or through the guy’s legs—which features the girl’s tits.
      5. shoot for the side but down to up
      6. and shoot from far away
      7. she can hold it up to down, side to side, down to up
  1. the knees (guy sitting)
  2. straddling her
    • remember to…

      1. gag her
      2. make her bob up and down fast
      3. skullfuck her
      4. put cock into her cheek
      5. slap her face
      6. jizz on her face
  1. For shots of straight sex in your homemade porn, there are also a few ideas.
    1. missionary
      • first person view
      • from the side
      • from behind her, she must hold the camera
    1. her doggy style
      • shoot down to up from behind
      • shoot from in front while fish-hooking her
      • shoot from far away, side or ¾
      • first person, yank her hair
      • remember to…
        1. fishhook her
        2. yank her hair
        3. step on her head
        4. pour lube on her ass while doing her and then
        5. switch to from cunt to ass
        6. slap her ass cheeks
    1. cowgirl
      1. first person, tits and face
      2. facing the couch to shoot your ass
        1. spread it open with hands
      1. side
      2. fuck her ass
    1. her on her side
      1. camera over her
      2. camera facing her head and tits
      3. camera facing her ass
    1. her pretzeled
      1. placed over her shooting down from somewhat of a distance
    1. cumshot
      1. her facing cock and camera
      2. camera high and side,
      3. film all the cum on her after you finish
      4. make her suck more after
      5. have her hold the camera facing the cock and face
      6. get up close to see the cumshot

IDEAS

check to make sure you complete these:

  • Make her blow you for a while.
  • Slap her with your cock
  • make her smile while you slap her with cock even though she won’t really like it
  • Make her bend over so you can shoot that asshole
  • Have her say she’s
    • a slut
    • a slave
    • a whore
    • a pig
  • if she complains, gag her with a bandana
  • Fuck her fat ass with the camera low and behind
  • Pour yogurt on her and make her blow you
  • piss on her
  • bind her hands
  • cut her clothes

This is just an intro

There are tons of other ideas. These are just the basics, but they are a good start for porn amateurs. The key is to shoot lots of short scenes. Then get on iMovie (I recommend as a trailer) and paste these scenes in and you’ll get quite a high-octane little highlight show to give you hours of jerking and jilling pleasure. Enjoy! Remember to send me your creations. Don’t worry, it’s just art. So I won’t tell anybody.

$.

Previous Tip: Angry Sex

Next Tip: Roleplay

The Angry Sex Tip | Sex Tip #4

Angry-Sex-Tip

Weekly Sex Tip #4

Each person is different, this is rule number one. So you have to get to know each partner. Some partners need gentle touches, others want rough angry sex. Here’s the key to my angry sex tip. What makes angry sex so hot? Passion.

angry-sex-tipIf you’re having angry sex with someone you’re with somebody who knows how to push your buttons. That person is probably somebody who you’ve known for a while. Perhaps a spouse or a long term partner. Once in a while it’s a loathsome freak you’ve picked up and plan to hate fuck right from the beginning (no judgments, I’ve been there!). Now the disgust, anger, and hate have the adrenaline pumping and have you feeling alive! This is passion. Passion is the main ingredient in angry sex. It’s what takes the boring out of this rough romp in the hay. Funnel all the nasty feelings you have into your sex drive and voila! Men will have raging hard-ons and women will be as sensitive as a hairless kitty.

Now go for it. This is the time for rough facefucking, for thrusting dick into cunt like he’s a jackhammer trying to rip up the tarmac. Fuck one orgasm, let’s build a goddamn Egyptian pyramid. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. This is no time to be civil, get that nose in her cunt, dudes. Floss with her bush. Lick that asshole, ladies. Gag on his dick! This is Angry Sex, Hate Fucking for Lovers, Make-Up Sex, Break Up Sex, I Hate Your Guts Sex. Whatever you want, take it. You’re a beast! You’re an animal. You’re nothing but cock. You’re whole body is cunt.

Tired of him running his mouth? Grab him by the hair and sit on his face. Rub your cunt lips over him until he shuts the fuck up and pleasures you. Guys, bored of her whining? Fuck her so hard and deep that those whines turn to screams and her nails draw blood as she cums repeatedly.

angry-sex-tipOh your partner is a darling, you say? No way to rile him or her up? Well, here’s an angry sex tip newsflash.

Well, fuck that. Pick a fight. Steal his dinner. Lock her out. Forget to pick her up. Bring the neighbor’s panties into the apartment by accident from the laundry room. Yell at your partner in public (that might lead not only to hate sex, but to public sex, throw in a voyeur or two and you have the trifecta).

Couples say that angry sex brings out the primal beast inside them and makes the sex hotter than hell, so give it a try. Now fuck off and fuck.

 

 

 

Next sex tip: How to Make Homemade Porn

Previous Sex Tip: Properly Warming Up An Ass

 

Sex Tips: Properly Warming Up an Ass | Sex Tip #3 | #SexManual #LPRTG #HowTo

Sex-Tip

Although each woman and man is different, these Sex Tips can save you valuable time and effort

The key thing with any ass from virgin to experienced is to get the ass to do the work.

What do I mean by that? Well, a dude can’t just jam his cock up a virgin asshole and expect it to go well. The ass has to take the cock. In other words, the ass is actually the leader although this may seem counter-intuitive to some of us. So the key here is to get the ass warmed up to a finger, or a butt plug, and let the ass kind of swallow the digit. The ass has to relax around it and let it come in.  It’s up to the ass to lay down a welcome mat. To do so, it has to relax and feel inviting. Then an ass will be much more welcoming to a big dick or any other things you crazy kids dream up. Eating ass (last week’s sex tip), is an excellent precursor to a little butt plug action. As always the key is lube, lube, lube. When you think there’s more than enough lube on the ass, put more on. After you put more than you think you need on, you may have nearly enough.

What kind of lubes work well?

One things to never use is olive oil. You do not want all that trans fat, lol. I’m only partly kidding, the friction makes it very hot and the sex becomes nearly unbearably hot. Then all you’re trying to do is cum before your genitals set on fire. A better product is [amazon text=Cleanstream Relax Desensitizing Anal Lube, 17oz&asin=B0091PJDX0] which is made for anal and desensitizes the area. You may also go with [amazon text=Shibari Personal Lubricant – Water Based 8oz Bottle&asin=B00G5K7L24]. Look at all the Shibari reviews. It’s a good brand and this is good stuff although it’s not specifically made for anal sex.

What else do you need?

The other item you really want to take care to buy is a good butt plug. There are lots out there that aren’t very good, and your ass is not a place where you want to sacrifice quality. “Doctor I have no idea how that got up there!” Sure. Just admit you bought a cheap butt plug and the base broke off or was so narrow your greedy ass just sucked it up. Seriously, the key to a good plug is a wide base. You want to make sure it stays where it should. A butt plug that gets really high reviews because it is attractive and well-made (in other words safe) is [amazon text=PURE Njoy Metal Butt Plug Large 4 Inch Polished Steel&asin=B00162Q8BG]. Another option is the  [amazon text=Beginner Anal Plug Trainer Kit&asin=B016QVT5AM], which could be a great starting anal toy. Or, make shopping quick and easy by taking advantage of the lube and butt plug kit that makes shopping a breeze: [amazon text=Njoy Pure Plug Large with Sliquid Sassy Anal Lube&asin=B00AWR93WM]. Finally, I’d be remiss not to include at least one [amazon text=Romi Jeweled Butt Plug&asin=B00VHG12FI] for all the princesses out there (and who says your man can’t be your sweet anal princess, right!? So be creative and thoughtful, ladies).

Once you have the lube and the butt plug of your choice, insert it very slowly. Let the ass take the plug. Like parliament/funkadelic sing, “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Let the ass open up to the plug and then kind of eat it like it was slurping up pasta. Err, that’s a weird image, but I think you get the point that it has to slide (not JAM!) in. So take it easy, lube it up good, and slide it in. Then leave it there and let your ass get comfy around it.

Now that ass is sexy and warmed up for the next level.

 

 Want more sex tips?

Next Sex Tip: Angry Sex

Previous Sex Tip: Eating Ass

 

 Subscribe in a reader

Eating Ass | #SexManual #LPRTG #HowTo

sex-tips-facial-convince-your-girlfriend-wife

Weekly Sex Tip #2 – Eating Ass

Last week I wrote about getting your woman stimulated by kissing the back of her neck and running your tongue down her spine. After kissing her like that and getting her going, I suggest you lick her pussy from behind. But, if you’re a freak like me, lick from her neck down her back and then lick between her asscheeks until your face is buried in her ass. There’s no greater feeling than being between her ass cheeks. Flick your tongue on her asshole. Then bury yourself in there. Get that tongue up in that ass. I love eating ass. And she will too. If she’s a kinky freak, she’ll probably love it. Even if she doesn’t love it, it will be a memorable experience. If she hates it, give her walking papers and kick her to the curb.

As far as position, I recommend that you have her face down on the bed with her ass up in the air doggy style. That gives you a really great window to get in between those asscheeks and hit the bullseye with gusto.

After you give that ass a good licking, it will be all covered in spit. If it’s not, than you didn’t lick it nearly enough. Licking ass is a great pre-cursor to anal. That said, don’t forgo the lube just because there’s some spit. There’s never too much lube. Get the lube if you’re going to go the anal route. It’s not a must to do anal here, of course. A good hard doggy-style fucking may be more than enough to have her gripping the sheets and yelling your name.

 

Next tip: Properly Preparing an Ass

Previous Tip: Kiss the Back of Her Neck

Sex Tip: Kiss the Back of Her Neck | #SexManual #SexTip #LPRTG

Sex-Tip

Weekly Sex Tip #1

Each woman is different, this is rule number one. You may find a few who behave the same way. I’ve even had runs where five to ten like the same soft circular stroking of the clit with the soft pad of my middle finger and then the next chick I’m in bed with wants to have her pussy finger fucked hard while I twist her nipples with all my strength. So there may be patterns and tendencies, but ultimately you need to watch and listen to your partner and pick up on visual clues that she’s into something. If not, scrap it.

One thing that I find the majority of women do like is having their necks kissed and licked. Something about behind behind her and letting your lips rub against her soft, smooth skin gets her excited. You should see goosebumps or some other sign that you’re getting to her. Move to her ear and lick. Then softly bite her neck like you’re wolves. When she offers her neck to you, she’s showing she trusts you so don’t draw blood (unless that’s her fetish). Just kiss her romantically.

My wife has an amazing scalloped back so I follow the sensual lines from the back of her neck down her spine all the way to her ass crack. Then when she’s wet as a splash pond, I take her from behind.

Next sex tip: Eating Ass