Sex Tip No. 21 – Foot Jobs

Foot Jobs, this weeks sex tip. Since we’ve all got feet, let’s objectify some! 

Sometimes you’ll just want to eat your lover up. There are moments I get overwhelmed by desire. At these moments I can get the urge to show her feet all the love they can take. I have big, strong hands and can use them to stroke, knead, and love the feet attached to the woman I’m with. Now that’s a lot of fun but that’s just the tip of the foot-berg. The feet and their unique curves can be used to jerk off a cock. I mean, fuck, we had bagpiping as a sex tip. If we can use the underarm to achieve orgasm, we most certainly can use a couple of feet. Just place the cock in between and slide it up and down.

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There are a few key positions to give a foot job, the jerking of a cock with the feet. She can be on her back with her knees bent like a frog and then push both her feet against the shaft of the cock and start rubbing forward and backward (this can be a good abs workout, too). Another great position is her on her back and the guy staring at her ass as she gets the hole made by two arches against each other fucked. If either of you have a thing for high heels, include them in the fun. There’s nothing like Aztec red heels for pleasuring a cock and they also make a great cum-catching vessel. My personal favorite foot pleasure position is me standing with her jumping up on my back from behind and wrapping her legs around me so that her feet are around my cock (see image).

Story of massage

I attended a writer’s conference in Mexico many years ago and one of the professors got a massage while we were all lounging an drinking beer and smoking. He was an older Canadian gentleman. He had given a reading that was really good that night. There was young upcoming writer with freckles and short blonde hair. I remember it vividly because he was on a chaise lounge moaning and the young coed was going to work on his feet. There was something highly sexual in the air even though nobody spoke about it. It was as if one move and she’d be bent over getting his cock hard from behind, but there was nothing inappropriate—it was just a massage. One can only wonder if the professor later put his cock between her two arches while she lay on her belly and twerked her ass.

The Feet Hold a Lot of Stress

The feet and the top of the head are the edges of our bodies. A lot of chi, if you will, is released from the edges. To put your cock right on the soles of the feet is a wonderful feeling as the cock absorbs all that excess matter that would have otherwise have disappated into the ether. Now you’ve swirled your chi and her chi together. It’s fucking foot fugue now instead of a foot forfeiture.

I tend to think of stress as a bad thing, like it’s going to give me cancer or make me accidentally walk in front of a train. However, stress is a good thing. When managed right, stress can be a motivator, instigator, and lead to incredible releases. The body pre-orgasm is totally stressed out. Ever study someone’s facial features during a romp? That aint the face of someone chilling. Feet meanwhile take a beating all day and hold the stress. That’s why a foot massage feels so good. So using the cock to massage the feet accomplishes a dual release. I’m not saying that having my feet rubbed makes me orgasm, but I am saying that at times I’d prefer a good massage to a hand job. So the feet get relaxed and release the stress, the cock gets stimulated and releases the stress, and then you have a two chill people just hanging out.

It sounds win-win to me.

The difference between a foot job and a foot massage. 

There may be some confusion about this. A foot massage is hands on feet.

foot-MASSAGE-pamper-feet-cary-ncA foot job is cock on feet.

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Now you can be sure and speak authoritatively at cocktail parties.

 

Great massage oil for nookie:

 

Full List of Moctezuma’s Sex Tips:

Links to Each Week’s
Sexual Advice:

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14 |
 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20

 

 

Sex Tip #19 – What to do on Valentine’s Day and other Holidays | by @MJKingOfErotica #LPRTG #SmutStreet #Erotica

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Some people love Valentine’s Day but for others it is an enormous pain in the ass. In other cultures, the rules are a bit different than in the West. In Korea, where I lived for a decade, there’s White Day as well as Valentine’s Day. White Day is for giving gifts to the woman, Valentine’s Day is for the man. This doubles the marketing for the candy companies and greatly increases their revenue. It also makes things very cut and dry as far as what are the day’s expectations. On Valentine’s Day I wasn’t expected to do shit (just the way I like it). In the US, the day’s giving is more mutual and can put a lot of pressure on a guy worried about the mortgage, work, kids, and how to sneak another drink in before bed.  Also, there’s essentially no equality in the US. THe man is prety much expected to shower the woman with gifts that make her feel special if you listen to mainstream mass marketing. Below you’ll find a few unique ideas of things you can do for the special day, and others like it.

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Some Dumb History

St. Valentine is that little chubby faced punk with the arrow. The arrow contains love. Shit, if somebody followed me around shooting me in the ass, I wouldn’t think that’s love unless they were squirting me with fake, LSD-laced jism or some kind of flying butt plug. I guess the story of San Valentino was written in another time (actually it was approximately year 269), when people took kinder sharp obsidian arrows in the ass. Smutpunk says that the 2018 St. Valentine carries a big FUTA dick that spews copious amounts of cum. Smutpunk San Valentino is a little different. His sexuality is a bit more on the cusp, if you will. If he hits you, WAM, you’re covered! Excuse the pun. I couldn’t resist. See image for image of what I mean by covered. According to history, nobody knows San Valentine’s full name, so let’s call this new St. Valentine 2.0 “Valentino San Esperma”. So I wish all of you—especially the freaks, transgenders, and weirdos among us—a Happy San Valentino Esperma Day! Be sure to act accordingly, smutpunks.

So how can Valentino Esperma Day help you?

It’s a nice time to express yourself to your lover. Write her a song or a poem. Cook her dinner. Show her you care about her. Fuck roses and chocolate and wine. That stuff is well and good, but what’s the point if you don’t back it up with something with substance? The trick is to combine. After wine, she’ll love your poem. If you want to cook her a dinner, be sure to get some custard and heat that and get some in the tank of your squirting dildo. Come dinnertime, cover her in your love and custard. Feed her the steak while you squirt her with custard. Nothing says I love you baby like a squirting dildo of hot freshly-made custard. Nothing.

A few more ideas…

  • Spank her. Make her butt red with a your hand print or a paddle.
  • Film her twerking / dancing sexy
  • Dress her in a collar and an imperial trooper mask and lead her around the room on all fours.
  • Give her a big heavy coat and sheer lingerie and go for a walk around the town. Corollary: find some garages to fuck her right there in public.
  • Give an oral sex coupon to her for 1 hour of free service at a convenient time of her discretion. These coupons go well inside boxes of chocolate or cards or attached to the neck of a wine bottle.

Experiment by mixing and matching and adding to this very rudimentary list. This isn’t supposed to be an exhaustive list of ideas, but rather a starting point to help you find the spirit (yes, the Old English OED meaning of spirit meaning “cum” not “ghost”) of the holiday known as San Valentino de Esperma.

 

**please note that although I say her, feel free to do ANY and ALL of this stuff to him, obviously.
I’m just using one pronoun to make the writing faster.

See All the Weekly Sex Tips

Read The Sex Manual
(the Book)

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Poet for Hire

If you don’t feel like penning your own poem, hire me to write one. Also, got an ex that you’d like to fuck with?**

Hire me to write a hate poem and send it anonymously. The ex will never know you put me up to it.

Links to Each Week’s
Sexual Advice:

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 1516 | 17 | 18 | 19 

Get New Sex Tip Each Week! 

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I can’t wait for Steak and Blowjob Day

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See the Slut List for Other Hot Ideas to Spice Up Your Love Life

 

**this is a bestseller!

Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind #LPRTG #SexTips | Sex Tip #18

Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind

Sex Tip No. 18 – Proper Ball and Shaft Technique during a Menage

There’s always some new essential info out there. Last year, rimming became commonplace. I try to keep you up to date with the trends. Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind. Menage is the new missionary for 2018. Be prepared!

Okay, the key thing when you’re bent over and getting fucked from behind is to spread the enjoyment you are receiving. You need to pay that pussy’s pleasure forward.

She isn’t letting her fingers fan out to the perineum enough, but her shaft squeeze to cock suck rhythm is stupendous. While not perfect, there’s a lot to learn from her.

So let your fingers spread out and fan them over the other guys balls. Lightly rasp them against his balls in an upward motion that moves toward the shaft. Be sure to keep the cock in your mouth during this procedure. This is no time to stop sucking dick. Sucking dick is the focus. I’m teaching you the proper background technique. Let your finger walk from his balls to the base of his shaft. Have your hand close around the shaft and squeeze. Then go right back to rasping your fingers against his balls. Start at the bottom of the balls, right near the peniranum or the anus. That’s how you max out his pleasure while his friend massages your g-spot with his cockhead.

 

 

 

Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind

Ladies, this is how you properly rub balls and shaft while getting fucked from behind

Snorting Cum – Sex Tip No. 17 | #SexTip #LPRTG

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Snorting Cum (the fetish) – Deliberately inhaling jism to get a high

Disambiguation: A semen snort is a synonym for a cum snarf where a person laughs while someone is coming in her throat. In this case, the jizz shoots out the nose. I call this the “cum dragon” or the “cum snarf,” but this snorting splooge business, in my opinion, is something else. (cum snarf example)

Cum Snort is the instance where a person has a fetish of lining up their own or their partner’s cum into rails or bumps, much like cocaine, and inhaling the rails through their nostrils. This tends to coincide with an overall cum-craving like the one shown in Moctezuma Johnson’s character Jynx (alt link) from Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired. Jynx, as you may already know, will go to just about any lengths to get her daily dose of dick drinking—thus the refrigerator full of ampoules filled with semen. Jynx is the kind of woman that will happily kneel down with a credit card in hand and chop up the dried cum into little crystals, roll up a dollar bill, and snort it into her brain. The sensation is quite an aphrodisiac rush, so be careful as it may be highly addictive.

Cum snort can also be done with a small straw, like a drink straw for a cocktail, dipped into a shot glass filled with cum. It’s helpful to have the man jerk off into the shot glass first. Cum snorting is best done warm, but refrigerated cum will suffice in a pinch. Try not to use fake cum as it doesn’t have the same medicinal effects of real cum. Also, when using refrigerated semen remember that it doesn’t keep well. It will spoil in approximately three days.

The medicinal effects of cum:

  • a rosy flush of the cheeks
  • higher protein
  • increased brain function
  • higher reported case of visits with aliens (especially the anal probing kind)
  • aphrodesiac
  • feeling “full” longer after eating
  • hydrated skin
  • Rich in Vitamin B and C
  • Rich in rare minerals like Selenium
  • Can be used via Neti Pot in a Semen Sinus Cleanse
  • great camaraderie building event

Links to Each Week’s Sexual Advice:

Volume 1 – 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9
10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | a complete baker’s dozen |

Volume 2 – 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19
a second baker’s dozen |

See updated blog of all my sex tips

not just Sex Tips – Volume 1 (but the following tips, too)

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See below for XXX examples of Snorting Cum:

Sex Tip: Pooning

What is pooning?

First you get your girl really fucking hot so that she gets wet and moist down there. She has to be so hot that she’s squirming in her panties and leaking all over her underwear. Once her knickers are nasty and juicy, take them off of her and blow dry them until the wetness forms little crystals. Scrape cunt pool crystals off the panties with a razor. Here you have a few choices. Scrape into bowl or rolling paper and smoke until the aphrodisiac high hits or, better yet, scrape the pussy pellets onto a reflective surface and snort those cunt crystals until you see Nirvana.

 

Pooning in Erotic Literature

Well, my bitch is a total nutbag whore as you know. She gets off on the oddest fucking things like being told that I want to fuck her best friend in the ass while she gets relegated to my ass to rim me. This pisses her off and brings the primal beast to life. Her nostrils flare and her pupils dilate. Her pores open. The little hairs on her neck stand up. That’s where I grab her, hard. Like I’m grabbing a pussy cat by the neck flesh to lift her up, I grab my angry pussy and shove her down on my hard cock. My bitch is the type of girl to get really hot at this point. I fuck her face hard for a while. “You’re friend, Christina, sucks so much better than this. She goes all the way to the root and then some. She gets me harder than this.” I see she’s hot, her nipples are rock hard in her tight little t-shirt.

I tell my bitch to strip. I take her panties and sure enough they are soaking fucking wet.

“You’re such a little whore, aren’t you? You just fucking love being manhandled. You will get that tongue so deep in my ass even while I’m pounding your bestie hard up her slutty ass. If you’re this wet now, how wet will you be when I make her scream with my big, hard Latino cock?” I wipe her panties right through her slit. She’s a puddle down there and all that glorious pussy juice, that mucous membrane masterpiece transfers onto her panties.

The blow-drier whirs as it dries up the cunt current. The cunt juice hardens into little crystals, into powder. I take a razor and scrape the charged discharge off onto a little cocaine mirror. Tonight, I’m not snorting cocaine. Oh no! Tonight is the nectar of the nookie!

I roll up a 1000 Korean Won note in honor of her heritage and have her bend over. I line up the nookie nuggets on her big, phat asscheeks and then dive in and snort a line of cunt crystal off her Korean keister.

The aphrodisiac, the cunt crack, kicks in in a moment. My cock is rock hard and I’m feeling invincible. While she’s bent over I point my cock and her dark brown bullseye and say, “Spread it like your bestie does!” in Korean. I rarely speak to my bitch in Korean but when I’m high anything goes. She reaches back obediently and spreads her phat Korean asscheeks wide open, tits shmushed into the carpet for balance. I crush her ass canal with cruel chunky cock until she’s screaming into the floor so loud the neighbors bang on the wall to tell us to shut the fuck up. I oblige after growling chillingly while cumming up her ass.

Her ass drips my cum out as I sit on the carpet with my hand on my head, coming down off that aphrodisiac high. A big globule of cum forms on her ass, then glides down her cunt lips. I have the dollar bill still rolled up in my hand, so I use it to move the cum into my palm. I smack her ass and she takes the signal to turn around. I give her the rolled up 1000 Won bill and my bitch obediently snorts the cum out of my hand and up her nose.

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Next Sex Tip Lesson – Cum Snorting 

Current Sex Tip – Pooning

Previous Sex Tip – Manscaping

Manscaping for Rimming – Sex Tip No. 15 | #SexTips #LPRTG #Manscaping

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This week’s sex tip is one of the great taboos. Getting tongue on your ass is a spectacular thing, but I suggest that a little maintenance and cleanliness can help get things rolling in the ass eating department. Hey, fellas, here are some manscaping tips.

“If you manscape, they will rim.” –Moctezuma Johnson 

Manscaping for Rimming – Sex Tip No. 15

So, guys, you really need to take care of your junk. Smooth testicles, no hair on the cock itself, and clean up the forest under the balls and in the ass crack. This will give clean, smooth access to your asshole. It’s funny. I cleaned up the area yesterday and got a rimjob that very afternoon. Is it coincidence? I think not. 

There’s a knack to manscaping. Get yourself a good razor. If the bush is out of fucking control like a Mayan rainforest during the Spanish conquest then you may want to opt for an electric razor. I suggest using Wahl Color Pro Complete Hair Cutting Kit 79300-400T with the No. 1 setting attached (that way you don’t cut yourself). Once it’s trimmed, you can either leave it as is, or go the full monty and get out Gillette Fusion5 ProGlide Men’s Razor with 2 Razor Blade Refills and Taylor of Old Bond Street’s Sandalwood Shaving Cream Bowl, 5.3-Ounce. Lather up good with hot water and plenty of cream. Then jerk off. Not ’til completion. Just jerk it until there’s some life in the cock. If you’ve got a chubby it’s way easier to shave as your balls tighten and the razor will shave your hair off much more effectively. This is a key tip to shaving your junk.

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The sculpted hedges in the garden of a house on Old Coach Road in Cross, Somerset which are raising eyebrows in the village. A home in Frankie Howerd’s former village is causing a titter with these hedges – that look like giant PENISES. The large phallus-shaped plants have been created using very ‘hard’ topiary skills. They were spotted in a front garden by walker Nigel Vile – looming over the Mendip Hills south of Bristol and Bath in Somerset. He shared them on Facebook with this caption: “Some fallacious topiary?”

Also, nobody says you can’t shave your partner. That can be very sexy in itself and quite a powerful power trip. Holding a sharp razor to somebody’s genitals it quite the rush. They say you know a wolf loves you when she offers up her jugular to you for nuzzling. Offering up your genitals to a human holding a razor is our species’ way to show you love and trust your partner.

Now to shave the ass, shave the taint and under your balls (I suggest you use John Oliver’s $1 Million tactical wipes, for pre-taint shaving). Then shave the round ass cheeks right under the balls. Then you have to get up in their and shave right up against the anus. Clean that place out. You want it smooth as silk around your anus. Like the old Korean saying, “Smooth and clean attracts the tongue.” If you can’t see what you’re doing, squat over a hand held mirror to make sure you’ve gotten one hundred percent of the ass hair near the anus. Once that anus is clean, sit back and await the best pleasure a man (or woman) can get. Now you know why I sign my emails ‘Rimmies!” Enjoy.  

Ladies, share this with your dudes to get them to presentable down there. Remind them that women love men in suits and this is like putting an expensive Italian suit on your ass.

 

Note: Feel Free to Use Other Shaving Products. Those are merely the things that I use!

 

Links to Each Week’s Sexual Advice:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 1112 | 13 | a complete baker’s dozen | 14 | 15

See updated blog of all my sex tips.

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New Tabbed Smutpunk Bookshelf

Book-Shop-Smutpunk3

New Tabbed Smutpunk Bookshelf

All the madcap cyberpunk, splatterpunk, genre-blending, gender-bending S. Punk you’ve come to expect from MJ, aka King SMUTPUNK

Click the tabs to see what books lie in that category. Start with Futanari and work your way all the way to Sci-Fi. 

 Futadelic
(see review

The Power of Potion

The Power of Potion

Futadelic - The Power of Potion

Futadelic – The Power of Potion

Futadelic (excerpt)

 Futa Boxing Gym
Conquering Ines

futa-boxing-gym-conquering-bit-tits-asian-ines-keiko-jump-rope

 Futa Boxing Gym 2
1948 (Amazon)
1948-smutpunk-futa-boxing-gym-moctezuma-johnson-Cover3

Other Versions:

1948 (Exclusive Smutpunk)
1948 (Blurb)
1948 (Freebie)
1948
 (excerpt)

 

 

Sarchasmo V. Apographia – Copycats are on the loose stealing ideas left and right until Sarchasmo shows up to mete out justice. This makes fun of how many indie writers blatantly rip off other indie writers. Enjoy!

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TheAdventuresOfSarchasmoVersusApographia69

Sarchasmo V. Mr. Whiteprick – A horrible Indie writer whom they call Whiteprick has picked a fight with the wrong sweet Louisiana Cherry Blossom. Sarchasmo is on the case to mete out his cockslapping brand of social justice. This one pokes fun at the state of publishing in 2017. Enjoy!

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Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired (Season One)

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Moctezuma Johnson’s Chronicles of Humiliation Backfired

 

 

Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired (Season Two) — Cumming Soon — Join the Mailing List to Get Notifications of Release Dates and Sales/Freebies! pulp-covers-smutpunk-on-skates-reveal
Messy Blowjob Gunge Pie Steak Pi Day

Promotional Poster for the Steak and BJ Bundle

Jane’s Steak and BJ Night Surprise (see review

The Nose (see review

The Steak and BJ Bundle (see review

Real and Imaginary

Poisonous Apples

Smutpunk Poetry (coming soon) Join the Mailing List to Get Notifications of Release Dates and Sales/Freebies!

The Black Book (coming soon) Join the Mailing List to Get Notifications of Release Dates and Sales/Freebies!

Click the Tongue for Fun

Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade

A story all about YOU in which YOU make all the decisions!

The TriStain Universe Episodes:

Pop & Lollie (Teabagged by the Sentient Lollipop aka the Candy Cunt Saga) Pop-n-Lollie--Pulp

emme hor

whore

 

 

 

Am I missing something? Let me know. Please share this ever-updating bookshelf with your followers, too. Thank you.

Sex Tip 14 – How to Eat Pussy – Cunnilingus #SexTip

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Sploosh — How to Eat Pussy – Sex Tip #14

Eating Pussy isn’t that hard if you follow these three steps: be gentle, take your time, and dive in.

First you need to be gentle with a pussy. You can’t just grab her by the pussy and expect her to sploosh all over. No no no. Sploosh takes touch. You need to feel where she is as far as sensitivity and where she is emotionally. Women can be incredibly complex, like I can’t cum unless the light is on and the music is loud, or incredibly simple such as I cum no matter what, no matter, no bullshit. First, you need to be gentle with her while doing a little reconasaince work to figure out where she is on the maintenance spectrum. Do you need to get every small detail right to please this pussy, or is just a matter of find the clit and put your tongue on it?

Take your time and work with the pussy. Don’t go right for the clit and suck on it vigorously. No. Start with foreplay. You need to provide her with kisses. Deep French kisses, of course, are the best and then work down to her chin, her neck, her chest, her belly, then go around the pussy (yes, even if it’s out and glistening with sploosh), and lick her ass cheeks, her outer thighs, the back of her knees and come back up her inner thighs. When you do finally make contact with her pussy, run your tongue over her petals from side to side without stopping to eat her out. Tease her. Make her wait for it. The more she wants it, needs it, the more she’ll enjoy it. So take your time and tease that pussy!

Now comes the part here you dive right in. I do say dive in because there are times that you could use a wet suit. Other times she will take forever, the sun and moon will switch places in the sky, and you will end up with lockjaw. However, the main point here is that you need to go for it. Don’t just give a half-assed taste and shake your head and stick your dick in her. No. You need to worship that pussy, get intimate with it, know its hopes and dreams. Is it a pussy that had its acting dreams crushed by an asshole father or is it a pussy that is in touch with itself like a yoga guru with each limb? You need to get to know the pussy. I suggest you kiss the pussy. Kiss on top of it, plant a smooch on the bush (if there is any), then French kiss the lips. Think of it this way, you’re woman has two sets of lips to kiss. Give both pairs equal amounts of attention. Whatever you think is the proper amount of attention, put that to the third power, and then (maybe then) will you have kissed those pussy lips enough. Here are some tricks. Find the very bottom of her pussy and place your tongue on it. Make your tongue as wide as possible and move up centimeter by centimeter. Count to a minimum of ten seconds before you move up. The idea is to take a small, delicious forever before reaching the next stop on her petals. You may want to hold her ass cheeks while making your way from the bottom to the top of her pussy. You may want to hold her tits. That’s up to you, but whatever it is — take your time. When you do get to the clit, it’s time to adore it. Play with the clit. Nibble on the clit (use your lips more than teeth if she’s sensitive, which you should assume she is until you find out she’s not). Suck on the clit. Then rub the clit. Use the pad of your fingertips (unless you have callouses — ouch!). Rub the pads of your fingertips on her clit in tight, soft circles. Use the saliva and her wetness to keep it lubed and flying along. Try to barely touch her. The more you touch her invisibly the more you will tease that pussy and remember that teasing is good. After rubbing her with your fingers go back to tonguing her clit. You can start to flick your tongue over the clit, but this may be too much until she’s well into it. Once you’ve got her good and wet and into it (you’ll know my moaning, squirming, and her hands in your hair and on your head), then start to finger insider her pussy while you lick her clit. Finger her deep to her g-spot by hooking your middle finger and using the pad of your fingertip to touch her softly from the inside and hold pressure are her while you stimulate her clit simultaneously. The spot is kind of under her pelvis, so you’re simultaneously putting your finger insider her and up her and back towards yourself. You’re softly hooking her. You’ll know when you’ve found the spot from her reaction and it will feel fucking good on your fingertip (yes, it will!).

At this point she’s kind of making herself cum on you. Your job is just to stay there applying pressure, not too hard, but firm and coax the climax, elicit the orgasm, stir the sex haze until she shouts  your name and falls back on the bed like a dead fish. If she’s hyped up, now is a good time to fuck her. She will give you the ride of a lifetime at this point — they always do. Otherwise, just pat yourself on the back (she should be way too spent to do so) and go about your business.

 

 More Sex Tips:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 1112 | 13 | a complete baker’s dozen | 14

Conversation that started this cunnilingus article out . . .

MJ: well, why don’t you teach me before I teach the world. LOL. At least give the essentials I should include
Renata: How about you just watch a few dozen porns and use your own imagination
MJ: Porn is all tongue flick. that aint eating pussy. where’s the creativity?
Renata: I’m not getting into this conversation 😄
MJ: What? Why not? You started it. Come on, tell me about eating pussy?
Renata: Ask your wife lol
MJ: Fuck it. How do you like your pussy eaten? Do you like nibbling on the clit? sucking? Are you into tongue slow and long on the petals? LOL, my wife? That’s the last pussy I want to eat! And you know it!
Renata: 😱😂
Moctezuma: Actually my wife is pretty orgasmic. She’s not that hard to make cum. Some women leave you with lockjaw.
Renata: I’m not going to use another emoji..But I just think I might have peed in my pants laughing!! Lockjaw!!
Moctezuma: Yes, lockjaw! Fuck, just cum already! I had a friend in high school who used to complain that she took too long to cum so I ate her out as a dare, with a clock and all. LOL
Renata: This one time…I sound like an American pie movie. On of my exec got so carried away that I swear my clit was sprained. Hurt to a fortnight! And there go the typos!

Sex Tip No. 13 – How to Score an Awesome Book Boyfriend in Real Life

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How to Score a Book Boyfriend In the Flesh

Three Cockish Tips to Get the Man of Your Dreams to Appear in front of your Eyes

It has come to my attention that 60% of the women out there would prefer a book boyfriend to a real one. That’s an interesting fact. I started thinking about why I have fucked so many women and something occurred to me. I usually try to have a deep conversation with a woman who I am meeting for the first time. I want to meet ‘on the level.’ Usually, though, I find she’s not up to the task and then change gears to just trying to take advantage of her, which she is often game for. It’s almost like fucking is easier than talking. However, on the rare occasions when the two meet, you have a sizzling chemistry. I think that’s really what most of the women out there are looking for, the meeting of brains and brawn in one package. Well, from what I spy looking around, achieving that is a two-way street and, while men are sometimes to blame for dropping the ball, there are things you women can do better too. Here are three easy steps to finding a man as great as your ideal book boyfriend in the flesh: read, share, and eliminate the noise.

You need to read. The things is, when I look around FB most people are just reading the same old tired genre fiction. Yes, I look down on that (and, yes, I know there are exceptions). You need to expand your horizons and actually read stuff of merit. I write erotica. I know it’s crap. I can vouch for that (check the book shop here to verify). I’m not saying every erotica book isn’t worth reading. Many books are great. However, to feed the soul and become the kind of woman that a great man wants, takes a little more than reading a series of one wank wonders (as enjoyable as each may be). Read some philosophy, read some scientific treatises, read some literature. One of the reasons I am such a slow reviewer is that I read one erotica for every ten to fifteen other books I read. I like science (if you don’t know where to start, try Watson & Crick’s Double Helix, science-fiction (try Foundation by Isaac Asimov), and literature (try Cosmicomics by Italo Calvino) the most, but there’s a wide range of topics to read.

Next, to score yourself an amazing book boyfriend in the flesh, you’ll need to share posts (particularly my posts for maximum browning points). Share other writers, share what you love. Share good stuff. And cut out this inspirational bullshit (see B.A. Ro’lyin for what NOT TO DO, lol. Sorry, babe!). Being cute won’t get you jackshit in this life filled with assholes, backstabbers, and republicans. You need to be a hustler making moves. You need to actively employ that genius. You need firepower on the tongue and chili powder in the soul. If you prepare your brain-soul-loin connect properly, you don’t need some bullshit meme to tell you how to live or encourage you to keep doing what you already know. Not if you’re a smutpunk. And I know you’re a smutpunk, or why the fuck else would you be on this blog reading this shit? Right!? So get to it, share smutpunk and romance and all the good shit you love and build your network.

Last, cut the noise. Facebook is a good example of how there’s so much noise out there that seems okay that you may not even notice it is bad for you. There’s fake news, contradicting half-baked memes, religious quotes, romantic posts, and other complete mumbo jumbo. You scroll quickly through and think it isn’t infecting your brain, but it is. It’s a fucking virus. Beware! My advice, if you want to make a deep connection with a person that is rewarding mentally and physically, is shut the noise down and concentrate.

I’m not sure this really constitutes a sex tip. Maybe I have this in the wrong category. In fact, I’m not sure this is a tip at all. Maybe it’s a life hack. Maybe it’s a note to self to focus. I guess the point is that a book boyfriend (or girlfriend, of course) isn’t going to come to an undeveloped person. You need to cultivate what you are. Let me help.

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