Tastefully Airbrushed for your Pleasure || What the fuck? Playboy, too? || A Guest Post by Callie Press | #LPRTG #EARTG #Playboy

WTF

I want to thank Callie for agreeing to post on my dirty little site. She’s got more balls than most men I know and also has big tits. In other words, she’s a hot, mental Futa! Let me introduce her and then make way for the juggernaut of smart that is Ms. Press. 

While Callie could barely type a word thanks to being as high as the Fuck Force Five flying to Planet Alien Relish I asked her to guest post because she was blowing my mind with these ideas that all the alpha males have gone with Joe DiMaggio and (Paul Simon is a prick by the way, unrelated) and that even Playboy — what? — has given up on nudity and fallen into the horrifying, sanitized, apathetic throes of censorship and handbag carrying pussy-men. 

GUEST POST: CALLIE PRESS (tastefully airbrushed for your pleasure) 

So I’m recovering from surgery and full of hydrocodone, which means I am tweeting endless insane DMs to MJ. As a result, when I ranted at least somewhat coherently on a subject, I got this DM in return:

Guest post for me please! Pretty please. Pretty no nudity in playboy and I carry a handbag please.

How can I refuse? That’s 3 pleases from MJ without even one mention of a gagging blowjob or a gaping ass fuck, so I know he really, really meant it. Besides, I’d do it for him if he asked me in any case, if I wasn’t totally absent-minded about things.

So this topic is Playboy removing nudity from the magazine. I know print is dying (I know it first hand, I used to make a living in the newspaper industry) and I guess they want to be more PC since Hef is finally aware he’s mortal. And I’m as feminist as anybody. All my life I’ve done what I wanted because that’s what men do and I didn’t care if someone said I couldn’t do something ‘because I’m a girl.’ I was never ashamed of enjoying sex even though it didn’t go over too well in my religious household or in the small towns we landed in once we left Detroit.

But won’t someone think of the CHILDREN? What kind of men are we making?

Hear me out. Yeah, porn is everywhere on the internet. And it’s trivial to hide looking at it, even if you have a prudish wife like in that atrocious and hysterically funny made-by-a-local-church movie “Fight” (trust me it’s HIGH LARIOUS). Or even if you just have a jealous wife like I can be sometimes. (I want all the attention by those who have a cock, it’s just how I’m made). And little girls and little boys both need some evidence that their dads have a pair, no matter what kind of a shrieking harpy their mother may be.

I found my dad’s playboys when I was probably 12, under the seat of his car. They were there, instead of in the house, because my mom has always been a…difficult person. And I looked at them and it didn’t traumatize me. I have older sisters; the anatomy wasn’t new, but the beauty of the anatomy was. And it made me think, wow, Dad likes women, and Mom can’t control him so much that he stops liking women.

It was a good thing to know. For a lot of men, sadly, it seems this is the closest they ever come to having a spine. For some men, as lame as it is, it’s the only sort of ‘rebellion’ or ‘alpha behavior’ they can ever manage to get away with. And did my Mom know he had Playboys? Of course she knew. Every woman knows. It’s like the only ‘boys will be boys’ thing that is really acceptable out of a man, at least after a few kids, for most women in this day and age. It’s that little spark of ‘bad boy’ that we can just knowingly smile about, even if we pretend to be offended. (Even if you are truly offended, actually.)

What's missing? Oh, my balls. Shit.

What’s missing? Oh, my balls. Shit.

Not any more though. Now if you want to see a tasteful naked woman, you have to do it on the internet. Yeah, that happens, right? Kids can’t learn about males’ natural drives in such an innocent and healthy way. Hell, the first time my husband ever saw a naked woman was when he found his dad’s cache of playboys…how many grown men can say the same thing? A lot of you. Someday that will be none. They’ll only get what they see on the internet, which is of course in a frantic race to reach the bottom. Tomorrow’s men won’t learn by seeing lovingly shot, carefully airbrushed, tasteful nudity. Their first glimpse of a naked woman will probably be stumbling on gangbang sites or something that really can dehumanize women who like sex. There’s no personal context unless it’s like fifteen seconds of the hot wife and hubby on the couch saying the same things as the last fifty couples who sat on the couch.

What it’s going to do is just neuter most men even more than they already have been neutered. I’m not saying I want a world full of alpha males, but this is the kind of thing that puts the boot on the alphas’ necks and makes betas out of them. The good men who happen to be alphas are stuck pretending not to be. The actual alphas that are left ‘in the wild’ are going to be the sociopaths, and it’s going to make women even more susceptible to them than we already are.

I want men to have the chance to buy their ‘dirty magazines’ or whatever and let their wives and girlfriends know, maybe you can TAME me, but you can’t CASTRATE me. I’m glad my hubby still has his god damn Carmen Electra issue, even if it makes me so jealous I want to slap her. If he isn’t enjoying how women look, he sure as hell isn’t enjoying how I look.

Let the boys look, for fuck’s sake. It’s good for everybody.

^.^

$. Callie $

Callie Press is the genius who created Butterface, as if you didn’t know that. Also, she be hot and gives great head.

 

Hell Hath No Fury like a Cum-Crazed Woman Scorned | #LPRTG #Erotica | Excerpt

movie-trailer-Bukkake-Hotel-Asian-Lesbian-Porn

Hell Hath No Fury like a Cum like a Cum-Crazed Woman Scorned is one of the lost famous quotes in history. Scholars aren’t sure who it is attributed to but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying Jynx’s revenge.

Okay, I’m just fucking around about the quote. Here’s the real full thing:

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a cum-crazed woman scorned

Jynx has been mistreated by MJ for a long time. She loves him so much she’ll give him anything he wants in bed, but he keeps cheating with other women. It’s more than that, he strings her along. He booty calls her after dates with other girls and fucks her in the ass before sending her back out to work disheveled and cum-stained. He also has taken to dating the supermodel Jenny. Jynx could handle MJ’s occassional pickup but a steady second girlfriend was too much. Jynx is desperate to destroy Jenny the supermodel slut who has been letting MJ up her ass like she’s his main pussy.

Excerpt of Episode3 of geni.us/Humiliation

Excerpt of Episode3 of geni.us/Humiliation where Hell Hath No Fury…

Episode One of Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired features Jynx’s main plan to humiliate and destroy Jenny. Jynx threatens to slice the bitch up and kneel on her corpse and suck MJ off. This plan backfires and she goes to plan B in Episode Two: Jynx drugged Jenny, tethered her to a parking meter and made her do incredibly nasty things.

Now, Jynx thinks she’s free of Jenny and is obsessed enough to mix MJ’s cum into her morning coffee. She’s obsessed, organized, and well-planned. However, she still hasn’t landed her man. She has employed the help of a gorgeous Russian-Korean nymphet with a tight body. Remember, Hell Hath No Fury, and all that. MJ wakes up in episode 3 in a bus station tied to a wall and in the care of this gorgeous young girl. This episode reveals Jynx’s master plan to exact revenge on Jenny, which leads to a psychotown revelation in Jynx’s freezer.

Check out the experpt on the right here and then download episode 3 for free today and tomorrow to find out just how bat shit crazy Jynx can be!

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Buy the Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired Season One

Get all four episodes in one inexpensive, convenient, literary porn bundle. Ask me if you’re interested in a Free Bundle in exchange for an honest review. I’m always looking for reviews, of course. 

^.^

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Shayna from Fuck Force Five

Shayna from Fuck Force Five

 

Shayna is the Black FFF. Her specialty is knives. She wears black heavy armor with her tits out and a tattoo of the number 45 in between big DDs with small nipples and tape over her left nipple in an x. Her arms and legs are totally encased in heavy armor. A helmet hides much of her pretty face. Her left eye looks through a viewfinder which displays heat maps and other overlays on command. It also links Shayna to Cybernetic System that syncs to her body and gives her faster reflexes and increases her neural capacity so she “sees” more. A cigarette is at all times dangling from her luscious lips. Some say the cigarette contains poison darts. Others say the butt is a grenade.

She’s been to Planet M69 in the Pinwheel Formation (aka Alien Relish).

SKILLS:

Helmswoman USS Enterthighs
WiB Academy Training
Sharpshooter with Gatling Energy Pistol

GEAR:

Tactical Cyborg Viewfinder – Viewfinder is fused to her body sending electrical currents into her nerve stream and vice versa. She can ‘see’ more than a regular human being. This is a major asset in battle and when flying at warp speeds.
Gatling Energy Pistol – An Molecular Energy Gun
Armor Suit – Full Body Armor with Cybergenic Molecular Energy Arm Guns and Tactical Pockets

 

 <tap on your shoulder, dear reader>

Excuse me. Please step into our secure debriefing facility for a moment as we think you may have been exposed to a toxic gamma ray from…

###

Meet another member of the Fuck Force Five:

Meet Tabitha (the blonde)

Meet Tabitha (the blonde)

 

AVA from Fuck Force Five

Ava is the BBW. Her specialty is straddling. She wears latex chaps and latex panties that come up almost to her breasts, which are naked at all times. She has no nipples. She has a tattoo of the number 3 on her right breast. Her black hair is a thick mane. Her perfect skin is as smooth as milk.

 

She’s been to Planet M69 in the Pinwheel Formation (aka Alien Relish).

Excuse me. Please step into our secure debriefing facility for a moment…

SecureDebriefingArea

###

Meet another member of the Fuck Force Five:

Fuck-Force-Five.Literary.Porn.Erotica-Joanna-Latina-TriangulumStain

Meet the all the Women In Black agents of FFF

Ending #2 to I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THE OTHER SLUTS, BABY! || Choose your own sexcapade porn poem

(cont’d from I Don’t Wanna Be Those Other Sluts, Baby!)

 

She looked me in the eye hard, a scowl.
“The others don’t go ass to mouth, do they?”

I laughed, cock head bulging in my slut’s throat
her nipples were hard
little bumps were all over her areola
I held her head in my hands
and pushed every last inch of my big cock
until she was stuffed with dick.

“Whenever I cheat on you, I make the bitch go A2M, pig!”
I pulled my cock out of her to hear her reaction.
“What’s A2M?”
“Ass to mouth,” I said
I pounded my dick back into her throat.
She convulsed. She slapped at my leg.
She wanted my dick out of her.
I held her there, choking.
“Each and every one of them, from the prettiest supermodel
to the most bucktoothed slut took my cock from her ass
and then blew me,
just like you, you cunt.”

I could see she was broken, tears dripping from her eyes
and she was wet.
I slid my finger to her clit, it sloshed
as I pleasured her
I could hear it squishing
then I heard her moaning
on my dick in her throat
and she squirted pussy juice on the couch
while I pumped my load straight into her throat.

“I can’t believe they would do that, those sluts!”
“I know! What kind of slut would do that?”

She slapped at my leg as my cum dripped out her mouth and up her nose.

^.^

Cover Reveal of FUTADELIC | the new one by Moctezuma Johnson 3====D

Futadelic - The Power of Potion

You’ve been waiting for the new one by Moctezuma Johnson. You have your reading device, you’ve poured yourself a whiskey, you’ve drawn the curtains, turned on your vibrating toy, and you’re ready to read some literary porn. You’ve been waiting for the prince of page porn, the self-proclaimed (yes, I know it’s ridiculous) King of Erotica to drop his new book down on your genitals (ouch!). Well, here it is: 9,000 words of pure #futadelic mayhem. So what does Futadelic look like?

 

Without further ado I give to you…

 

Futadelic

 

The Power of Potion

 

The story of Dr. Peter Engle in the seedy black markets of Bangkok. Think starfish, think crab, think amputee. Think wires crossed, think dick-girl. Think Futa Mayhem!

 

 

 

 

The Full Unadulterated Cover

Futadelic - The Power of Potion

Futadelic – The Power of Potion

 

The Censored (but still fucking awesome) Cover

The Power of Potion

The Power of Potion

That Fucker

That Fucker Book Cover

That Fucker has to get a new cover before anyone wants to read it, right!? Voila! You asked and you shall receive. Girls Carrying Books has another book out and this one is not by Moctezuma Johnson. Instead, it’s Emme Hor in her literary porn delight.

That Fucker Book Cover

That Fucker Gets His Way with this Girl

Book Description:

Heather is in love with her man who she calls That Fucker cause he is so mean to her most of the time. She does everything for him and she finds messages from other women, invitations, thank yous for last nights. Why does she stay with him? She’s attractive. She has another guy they call Charlie the Wok in her office sniffing around her. Her boyfriend treats her so bad that she is considering giving this new man a shot. He is nothing like That Fucker. He is a decent man. She should go out with him and she knows it. Then her boyfriend surprises her at the office with a present. A brand new set of skull-candy headphones. Will this be everything that she wanted from him? the dawn of a new mutually beneficial relationship? or does That Fucker have one more thing up his sleeve that will drive her into the new man’s arms?

 

Who is Emme Hor

Whether or not she was paid $10,000 USD to be the main attraction in a bukkake can be neither confirmed nor denied. Is she Moctezuma’s pet? Or is she a woman somewhere out there running a country? You decide. The thing to know is she’s proud, she’s Asian, she’s an English speaker, and she’s hot — oh, and she tells nasty stories when not fucking people through the legal systems of various countries.

 

Closing shit

There is literary porn erotica and then there is hardcore literary porn erotica. This, for sale at Moctezuma’s Book Shop is Hardcore Literary Porn Erotica!

^.^

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^====D^

And Check out one of our Sponsors, Cosplay in Japan

A Secret Sensual Temple

Kama - Rati

Poem written for Divine Metamorphoses, a genius and a goddess

 

 

She’s this gorgeous woman

in a slip

riding a bike

not a TREK or some shit

a real bike

with style

a front wheel the size of Earth

the back wheel its satellite Moon

 

She’s trailing a dolphin and a clipper ship

attached by an umbilical cord

attached to her clit ring

 

she’s all dark and goth and trannys line up

in the background jerking off like a great

transgender

bukkake

while the free hand of each tranny touches the free breast

of the tranny besides him/her

 

and they jizz stardust that sizzles as it splatters

like bacon frying and popping like Syd Barrett singing

like Milos Raonic serving

his one greased strand of hair cascading onto his forehead

 

this divine creature peddles through the sky.

her legs go on forever

not a few feet or meters

forever like the difference

between the size of a pebble on a lake’s shore

and the size of the sun

 

she peddles with urgency

her brain is there enticing the trans-bukkake

to shoot ropes of interstellar jism

that spin with gravity and gravity

and like that

this cycling sky-nymph

paints galaxies

onto the never before known black canvas

the empty pin cushions

that come into unbeing and thus are

 

her slip is billowing

her black hair is a tornado behind her

smudging frigid errors

into blurry wet goodness

 

men, women, transgender

all point at this cycling goddess

all kneeling to her

 

the torso of a man

floats in front of her

waiting with a ballroom

gown

in front of a great disco ball sun

that shines fuckadelic

 

she hops off her cosmic bike

and the trannies’ sizzling celestial semen colors in his legs

DNA strands twirl in double helix dances

until she has made

he

hands her the gown

she strips off her slip

pale against the sky

all worship

her giant tits

her vast navel

her unbounded pussy

her juicy sidereal ass

 

he bites the umbilical cord

and frees her

from the dolphin and clipper ship

she puts on the gown

interlocks his fingers

and they dance

a perennial jig

stars swirling

her black hair a tornado

his blonde hair a whirlpool

his fit abs twitch

when she runs a finger at his neck

her nipples bloom

and flowers sprout underneath

their naked feet

then dissolve

 

he holds her neck

and they kiss

stardust swirls in their mouths

 

this is not drunk motel sex

this god and goddess

this is Eros and Aphrodite

this is Xochiquetzal and Bes

this is Enzo and Rati

 

her blowjob is eternal deep throat

 

this is not a bad-smelling purple jelly

this a red giant

parting her labia

his cock is lightyears

their simultaneous orgasm

is a Karmen vortex street

that shakes and swirls

they continue their ballroom dance

and suck each other’s essence

out of their lips and

and their lips’ throats

until she gives way again

and bends her cosmic asshole

this sodomy gives the Khajuraho

her delicate forms

gives Chennakesava its sensuality

 

his boundless cock

impales her as roughly as tenderly

she gives into him

and he melts into her

 

her immeasurable hole

takes every lightyear of him

they rip a chasm into the

pin cushion

 

light of a new universe

shines out

the holes in this current universe’s background

and something that wasn’t suddenly is

and in that new something they collapse

and have a post-coital nap

in each other’s arms

a new temple is being built

to house this new image

this divine metamorphoses

 

#

 

Visit Divine Metamorphoses on Twitter to see incredible erotica

 

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Avengers Actors, oops, call Black Widow a Whore

Black Widow a slut, they say

Marvel character Black Widow has more aliases than anyone else on the universe, but don’t let one of them be “whore”. Natalia “Natasha” Alianovna Romanova, aka Natasha Romanoff, Nadine Roman, “Nat,” Tsarina, Oktober, Laura Matthers, Nancy Rushman, Black Pearl, Natalia Shostakova, Natuska, Czarina, was called a “slut” and a “whore” by actors Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner.

Is Black Widow a whore?

Many tweets say that Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner are misogynists. I’m not a huge fan of superhero movies anyway (I find the comics much more imaginative than the movies every single time and used the transformers series in lieu of sleeping pills) but these comments jumped out at me. We really aren’t allowed to say anything anymore. I mean, who cares what the actors say? They are playing superheroes. Anyways, if you do like superhero whores then please enjoy my books — I recommend Triangulum Stain and Ho-Tron.

Black Widow Natasha Romanoff

Artwork by Astrid of Deviant Art

The Five Most Important Things to Remember When Rappelling Down a Giant Dildo | Fuck Force Five Manual

Attack of the Replicating Alien Dildos

Triangulum Stain, the story of a chemical agent from outer space landing on Earth via a space capsule that crashes into the Arizona desert features an attack of replicating alien dildos that must be stopped for Earthlings to survive (gasp!). Fuck Force Five (see image) is a highly trained Women in Black (WIB) elite fighting force dispatched to restore order and get rid of any extraterrestrial/paranormal invaders by any means necessary—whether through force or through fucking.

There really isn’t much difference between rappelling down the face of a mountain or the side of a giant sentient dildo sent to destroy you. The Fuck Force Five Manual provides the basics. Please read carefully, raise your hand if you have any questions:

 

  1. Make sure the belay is on. Safety first. No matter how highly trained you and your group are, you must confirm. Double check by asking your partner, “Belay on?” You’ll have to scream because when rappelling down the side of a Giant Dildo you have a lot of distance to cover and it’s hard to hear. She’ll look back up at you and shout up, “Lay Hans?” Shake your head. She’ll keep talking: “Who is Hans?” Put your forefinger to your mouth to tell her to shush. Then put your arms in an X shape over your chest to signal “wrong”. Once you have her full attention, grab the belay rope and jiggle it. Point to her and ask again, “Is the belay on?” She’ll make the Italian gesture Madonna and then yell back up, “Belay is on. Of course.”
  2. Make sure to breath. The hard thing about rappelling and using the belay system is that if you get nervous and shaky it’s hard to grip the cords that make friction to slow you down, and rappelling down a dildo too fast is quite dangerous. You’d like to go medium speed and drift down and land, kick off, drift down and land. Every Fuck Force Five agent is highly trained to handle the stressful situations. Breathing is step one to stress management. Once you’re feeling loose, jump and descend, jump and descend. Repeat.
  3. I love my job. I mean, seriously, who gets to do this? I’m rocketed into the pristine Arizona desert, a place that gets over sixteen million visitors every year. I get to rock my latex suit, my red boots, my gas mask, and my gloves. I get to rappel down living silicone made from human semen. This is like all Moby Dick on acid, dudes! All those Moby Dicks sailors coaxing the sperm out of the sperm whale (a very erotic scene!), rubbing, kneeding, jerking in one great mess of sperm and whale where one person ended and another began was all very vague. So it is here in Arizona with giant dildos, human male sperm, and WIB sent to fuck them all into submission. What’s not to love?
  4. What’s controlling this thing? Do you think I could get in the pee-hole and see what is down there? A super-computer? the Wizard of Oz pulling strings? Katy Perry?
  5. Does this giant cock mean there’s a giant pussy out there? What does the pussy look like that can take this massive sentient dildo? Not sure I ever want to come into contact with that.
  6. Look around and be aware of your surroundings. When you land, survey the scene. Where there’s one Alien Dildo you’re likely to find more. These dildos infest like roaches. Remember, where there’s a will there’s a way!
  7. Get right down to business. Make sure you’ve got your finger on the Crabwater Release Mechanism (CRM). Rappelling down a giant cock in the desert while Earth is under attack and humans are under the threat of extinction can be quite distracting. Stay on point. There’s important business at hand. That’s why you’ve been rocketed in. Spray these alien bastards with the synthesis. It’s time to take down some alien cock, girls!

 

[amazon text=Please step into our Secret Facility for a Debriefing&asin=B00JI60KX4]

*Mouse over the link above to get links for different countries to appear*

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