I have to stop putting the word “dildo” into my Literary Porn titles

Black Comedy by Moctezuma Johnson

 The Erotic Lineup will have to wait for Literary Porn Writer Moctezuma Johnson

Triangulum Stain was briefly included in Christina Harding’s Erotic Lineup on Random House’s Romance and Random but the gods of censorship weren’t having it. I’ve become accustomed to that dis-inclusion at the hands of my raging, uncut naughtiness. I would have enjoyed the exposure, but I am meant to be a well kept secret, a counter-culture karmic cunt, and that’s the way I plan to stay. Still, I want to thank Christina Harding for her awesomeness. She’s constantly promoting erotic writers from those who dabble in red-cheeked romance to XXX hardcore literary porn and I thank her for all the love she’s given to me and other writers. If she’s not already your friend, she should be, so read Underneath the Gargoyles and Underneath the Gargoyles Part II ASAP.

Moctezuma Johnson Reviews Christina Harding's Underneath the Gargoyles

Learn how to make a litter of horny gargoyles purr

 

The Gargoyles are Back

The Gargoyles are Back

 

Avengers Actors, oops, call Black Widow a Whore

Black Widow a slut, they say

Marvel character Black Widow has more aliases than anyone else on the universe, but don’t let one of them be “whore”. Natalia “Natasha” Alianovna Romanova, aka Natasha Romanoff, Nadine Roman, “Nat,” Tsarina, Oktober, Laura Matthers, Nancy Rushman, Black Pearl, Natalia Shostakova, Natuska, Czarina, was called a “slut” and a “whore” by actors Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner.

Is Black Widow a whore?

Many tweets say that Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner are misogynists. I’m not a huge fan of superhero movies anyway (I find the comics much more imaginative than the movies every single time and used the transformers series in lieu of sleeping pills) but these comments jumped out at me. We really aren’t allowed to say anything anymore. I mean, who cares what the actors say? They are playing superheroes. Anyways, if you do like superhero whores then please enjoy my books — I recommend Triangulum Stain and Ho-Tron.

Black Widow Natasha Romanoff

Artwork by Astrid of Deviant Art

The Five Most Important Things to Remember When Rappelling Down a Giant Dildo | Fuck Force Five Manual

Attack of the Replicating Alien Dildos

Triangulum Stain, the story of a chemical agent from outer space landing on Earth via a space capsule that crashes into the Arizona desert features an attack of replicating alien dildos that must be stopped for Earthlings to survive (gasp!). Fuck Force Five (see image) is a highly trained Women in Black (WIB) elite fighting force dispatched to restore order and get rid of any extraterrestrial/paranormal invaders by any means necessary—whether through force or through fucking.

There really isn’t much difference between rappelling down the face of a mountain or the side of a giant sentient dildo sent to destroy you. The Fuck Force Five Manual provides the basics. Please read carefully, raise your hand if you have any questions:

 

  1. Make sure the belay is on. Safety first. No matter how highly trained you and your group are, you must confirm. Double check by asking your partner, “Belay on?” You’ll have to scream because when rappelling down the side of a Giant Dildo you have a lot of distance to cover and it’s hard to hear. She’ll look back up at you and shout up, “Lay Hans?” Shake your head. She’ll keep talking: “Who is Hans?” Put your forefinger to your mouth to tell her to shush. Then put your arms in an X shape over your chest to signal “wrong”. Once you have her full attention, grab the belay rope and jiggle it. Point to her and ask again, “Is the belay on?” She’ll make the Italian gesture Madonna and then yell back up, “Belay is on. Of course.”
  2. Make sure to breath. The hard thing about rappelling and using the belay system is that if you get nervous and shaky it’s hard to grip the cords that make friction to slow you down, and rappelling down a dildo too fast is quite dangerous. You’d like to go medium speed and drift down and land, kick off, drift down and land. Every Fuck Force Five agent is highly trained to handle the stressful situations. Breathing is step one to stress management. Once you’re feeling loose, jump and descend, jump and descend. Repeat.
  3. I love my job. I mean, seriously, who gets to do this? I’m rocketed into the pristine Arizona desert, a place that gets over sixteen million visitors every year. I get to rock my latex suit, my red boots, my gas mask, and my gloves. I get to rappel down living silicone made from human semen. This is like all Moby Dick on acid, dudes! All those Moby Dicks sailors coaxing the sperm out of the sperm whale (a very erotic scene!), rubbing, kneeding, jerking in one great mess of sperm and whale where one person ended and another began was all very vague. So it is here in Arizona with giant dildos, human male sperm, and WIB sent to fuck them all into submission. What’s not to love?
  4. What’s controlling this thing? Do you think I could get in the pee-hole and see what is down there? A super-computer? the Wizard of Oz pulling strings? Katy Perry?
  5. Does this giant cock mean there’s a giant pussy out there? What does the pussy look like that can take this massive sentient dildo? Not sure I ever want to come into contact with that.
  6. Look around and be aware of your surroundings. When you land, survey the scene. Where there’s one Alien Dildo you’re likely to find more. These dildos infest like roaches. Remember, where there’s a will there’s a way!
  7. Get right down to business. Make sure you’ve got your finger on the Crabwater Release Mechanism (CRM). Rappelling down a giant cock in the desert while Earth is under attack and humans are under the threat of extinction can be quite distracting. Stay on point. There’s important business at hand. That’s why you’ve been rocketed in. Spray these alien bastards with the synthesis. It’s time to take down some alien cock, girls!

 

[amazon text=Please step into our Secret Facility for a Debriefing&asin=B00JI60KX4]

*Mouse over the link above to get links for different countries to appear*

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Fuck Force Five, bitches – Five Girls Ready to Protect the Planet at ALL COSTS

Shayna from Fuck Force Five

 

Triangulum Stain features an invasion of Earth by Sentient Alien Dildos

The US Government has contingency plans for this kind of emergency: Fuck Force Five (pictured above).

Read the Manual of How to Rappel Down a Giant Dildo (should the emergency arise)

 

 

Artwork by these very talented illustrators (gallery comes up random, FYI):
#1 ~soft-h #2 sekigan.tumblr.com #3 ~soft-h #4 XK-Images #5