Cooking Custard for Gunge Fucking


“The key to cooking custard is to heat the milk first and then add in the mix little by little. You don’t want to suddenly add and then find that you’ve added too much. There’s no going back from a custard that’s too thick when it comes to an ass-crack-custard pour. You know what I mean? I have accidentally custard-glued an ass together, especially brown ass. She was Brazilian and she made me promise I’d never fuck her. ‘Just cuz I’m brazilian doesn’t mean you ride my ass, promise ok?’ she said. I promised and then I made a custard but I didn’t have that much milk and I overpoured the mix and there was no going back. By the way, brown ass does seem to glue easier than white and yellow ass. Anyhow, I was stuck with gloppy custard in my pot. The pot had a spigot. I couldn’t get it out. It was too thick! Instead, I had to dump the fucking gloppy custard over the side of the pot awkwardly. I overpoured the overthick mix and it glopped all up her ass crack. She screamed, ‘It’s too fucking hot, asshole. Hurts more than anal! Jesus Christ. What the fuck?’ Her screaming scared me and more poured out over her ass. ‘Sorry Sorry’ I said and I saw it. The white custard melded to her brown skin. It like cum-smelting. This yellow custard just kind of fused with thick brown Brazilian booty.” He paused in his diatribe.

“How bad was it?” you asked. 

“Dude, you won’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me,” you said.

“It was so bad that I had to get a paring knife. So I’ve got this burned bitch with a big brazilian popazuda booty face down on the ground screaming and banging her fists on the ground, kind of like you have G-strung right now, same exact position, and—what the fuck was the bitch’s name?—I’m coming at her ass holding a knife and she screams like mad. I mean I didn’t even cut her. I just wanted to unhook the custard. It was like anus rim crazy glue, the poor slut. I was just trying to help unstick the bitch.”

“Like a doctor,” you interjected.

“Yes, like a doctor.” He laughed. It was weird watching a dude in a Darth Vader mask laugh. I saw the laugh in his shoulders, but not by face. Weird. He kept talking, “So I was like ‘Shut it, bitch, or your cuntlips are going to be ripped off. Let me unstick this glue.’ She stopped screaming but said, ‘no knife. You suck it off. Suck it hard as you need.’ I never thought this would work. I can’t even blow out candles I smoke so much weed but I couldn’t stand her screaming so I sucked the hard custard up, and it pulled at her anus lips, you know the external sphincter, fuck maybe even the internal one. I gave her a rough gluey rim job, the custard dried lightning fast and as I sucked it pulled off in sticky strands pulling her cunt lips with it, it pulled her pubic hair, it was like giving her a wax with a side of cunnilingus. She was screaming, cumming, crying, drying up all at once. It was magnificent.” 

As Darth Vader, well your cameraman in a Darth Vader suit spoke, you poured milk into a pot and added one carefully measured spoonful of custard into it.

“What the fuck, dude. Weren’t you listening?” he said in a high-pitched, whiny, annoyed voice. If you hadn’t seen him fuck so many chicks you would fucking swear he was gay as a two dollar bill. 

“Custard ain’t glue. You did that to her intentionally. I know you,” you said. “What was it? Gorilla glue?”

“You’re a moron. Go on, repeat my mistakes with G-strung. Hope she’s shaved, you poor sod!”

You heat the custard. Darth Cameraman walks away singing the Imperial March really fucking well. He’s put his Malcolm Gladwell 10,000 hours into scatting that song ever since he was five, the immature bastard that he is. Now he could do a concert at Lincoln Center even though he’d be more likely to do it in the subway with a cup full of change. When the custard is ready you grab the handle with a dish rag and bring the pot to G-strung. Her hot black body is sprawled out there on the white floor. She’s so black against the white tile. She senses you there and says, “do you do this to your white girls too?” It’s a good question. You think back to Karla, your Jewish whore, the last chick you gunged. “Of course,” you tell G-strung. In your mind’s eye you see Karla face down, her bush so hairy it grew up into the crack of her ass. Her skin was pale as an old Anglo-Saxon queen’s and you poured hot chocolate sauce right down her white crack. You had made Karla get totally naked. Even her traditional tichel head scarf and wig were off. She was bald, white, and doused in hot chocolatedripping down her ass crack. You buried your face in Karla’s cunt and licked off the chocolate sauce. That fantasy was like eating shit, chocolatey scat on a white ass. The contrast of black on white was what made your dick so fucking hard.

This was different. G-strung was so black you needed to eat white off of her. Thus the “cum” custard.

You dumped the white custard on brown G-strung’s thick ass and smacked it. It was such a hard, muscular ass. Her ass smacked back and the white custard splashed. You poured it over her crack. The white sauce dripped off each chocolate ice cream scoop of ass cheek and then pooled in the middle and ran down like a custard cum river. The white cream dripped down deliciously until it smeared on the floor. You couldn’t take it anymore. You got right in there so that each ass cheek of hers was against each cheek on your face. You were buried in ass. The drippy white lines of her phat ass cheeks smeared onto your cheeks and eyes. You licked right up and down her crack slurping the custard off until you uncovered her asshole. Like usual, as soon as you saw the asshole, you convulsed and…



You pussy!

The music was blaring. Your bodies were pounding. Yet you decided that was enough and held the orgasm inside of you with your tantric power. The record came to a scratching halt.


What are you, the Dalai Fucking Lama? That’s ridiculous. This isn’t tantra. Keep fucking the bitch and either cum up her ass and make her shit out your gooey cum or shoot white all over her black ass cheeks.

You shouldn’t even be allowed to fuck G-strung with your shitty attitude. Christ! Fucking wanker!

Get the fuck off my site!

Sorry – Option X

That Kink hasn’t yet been published on this blog. Hang on for a little bit and MJ will get right to it. Or will he? Rumor has it that it’s only on Amazon.

Scribes! Stop fucking each other up the ass and start scribbling MJ’s blog again. What? You’re hungry? (raises hand and then unzips fly) I’ll give you something big to eat. Stop your yapping. That’s right, head down and back to work. Fucking scribes. Hate ’em. They spend all their time piddling around FaceCunt.

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Option B: Get up in there and bury your cock up her ass and fuck her senseless


Get up in there and bury your cock up her ass and fuck her senseless

See the thing about black ass that’s so special is that even though it took intense, skin stretching growth spurts to build the foundation of the black ass the color of the skin hides most of the veins and stretch marks. They are there but they aren’t ass obvious as on a white girl’s ass. Also, like the Chinese ass, the dark ass is solid. Once cock is up that tight hole the rest of the ass cheek is rock hard. It doesn’t flap around loosely like some kite on windy beach, it holds its position like a guard outside Buckingham palace.

Once inside G-strung’s ass, you fuck hard and your body bangs against hers. Her ass ripples, ever so slightly while your balls smash against her empty cunt lips.

You’ve never had a black ass before. You’ve always had white…

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Option B: Get up in there, bury cock up her ass, & fuck her senseless

Choose your own SEXcapade Mash Up Piece: G-strung | Choose your own kink | #LPRTG

CHOOSE YOUR OWN SEXCAPADE™ is a pulpy erotic read about you and for you in which you can choose what happens next


Just go ahead and read “G-strung’s Custard Parade – A Choose Your Own Kink SEXCapade” as you would any other book but when the main character “you” is left with some choices click the link to the choice you would most likely choose and then follow to the next part. If a choice you would love to make is missing, let me know in the comments below and I’ll scribble it down. This is an extensive, labyrinthine preview. The only way to read the ending is to Click here to Order the Complete Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade by Moctezuma Johnson on Amazon for only $2.99. Let’s begin, huh? It’s all about YOU. What are you about to do? Let’s find out. 


Sorry, Choose Your Own Kink was released ages ago. However, click the Pre-Order link to join the smutpunk mailing list to get updates on new releases, many of which will be free or discounted. Puedes comprar Elige Tu Propia y Sucia Escapada en Español tambien. 

G-strung’s Custard Parade

Your dick is out in your hand. It’s big but not fully hard. You know you have a big dick because when you’re not hard all the excess skin that will stretch out when the hormones fire and the blood flows is bunched up from under the mushroom head all the way back to the root, where the balls hang out like steroid-laced raisins. You pull the mushroom head and all that bunched up skin stretches. The blood is starting to flow. That’s because of who lies in front of you.

G-strung, as you all called her, was paid beforehand (they said) and lying face down on the white tile floor with her brown skin tight, taut, and hella fine. She was lying face down with her head in her hands. She was kicking her toes into the floor and laughing into her hands. She was cute a pink glittery button. No joke. She was. Her smile was the shit poets write about when sober. Her ass cheeks were two scoops of chocolate ice cream. If god gave out sample of her ass in little pink plastic spoons, damn, god would be popular. I don’t mean this American right wing popular I mean there would be lines trying to get in like heaven was a Haagen Dazs on a humid August day in Brooklyn. G-string was making a giggling and whining sound at the same time. The walls were white. She was feeling like she was in an insane asylum. She was kicking her toes into the ground like she couldn’t take it anymore. You thought she may have been cold, or too stoned. You looked down on her, not because she was brown and you were white. You were no racist and had dated Asians, Latinas, and other races, religions, and groupies for rival bands and sports teams before. You were open minded. They said you’d fuck anything with a pulse. You were that type, they said. They called you Sticky Rice, cause you liked Asian Chicks and admittedly jerked off rampantly. You were proud of it. Porn wasn’t something you hid. Anyway, although it wasn’t pejorative you did look down on G-strung. You looked down on her because she was lying on the floor with her beautiful ass smiling at you and you were standing over her. You had to look down at her. Now, you had to decide what to do next. You had choices. She was already paid, they assured you, and all yours. You had to take her. You could take her any which way you wanted. They say the world is your oyster, right? She was your clam. Here were your choices:


Choose your own SEXcapade © 2015 by Moctezuma Johnson 

*note – this is kind of a work in progress, any ‘sorry’ links will go live little by little (have patience with me, this was a huge undertaking! lol)

Funny Porno Erotica: Bury your nose in her ass and inhale | Part of the Choose your Own SEXcapade™


Funny Porno Erotica: Get up in there and bury your nose in her ass and inhale

You’ve chosen Option A (<<Go Back)


It’s such a gorgeous ass that you just get up in there. You love licking ass. Your not one of these anal (phrasing!) types who minds getting dirty. You’ll get up in there tongue first and enter ass. You have loved licking ass for many years. The first time was drunk and the girl looked good and you just dove in and ever since you love it. It’s not quite a fetish but it turns you on. It makes your stomach churn, in a good way. It makes the hairs on your neck stand up. It makes your pores open, your heart beat faster, and your palms sweat when your tongue touches anus and presses forward. You hold each ass cheek in each hand and the chocolatey butty cheeks press against your face cheeks. Your nose is buried up her crack and you like it. You want to take a nap while up her asshole. You’ve napped during sex before so there’s no judgement here. It’s just comfy. Your spine is in a really natural position and her anus is opening like a flower blooming. She’s opening up to you, to your tongue, to your fetish. Well, not fetish but near-fetish. Nobody would call you an ass-licker but here you are face down in an ass licking it while the girl attached to the ass is face down having her ass licked. By you. I’m not sure what else to call you. Look at you! You’re dick is rock hard and you’re not even stroking it. It’s busting out of your tighty-whities. Your rock hard abs are trembling with desire. You stop licking G-strung’s ass and inhale! Deeply. It smells divine.

You have another choice to make. Now you can…

  1. …Fuck her ass

  2. …Jizz on the anus then lick it off and leave

  3. …have her shit on you! or fake shit on you!


If you love funny porno erotica then you should love Moctezuma Johnson’s writing. See all of his works listed at the SMUTPUNK BIBLIOGRAPHY.

Choose Your Own SEXcapade Poem – “Don’t Wanna Be Those Other Sluts, Baby!” by Moctezuma Johnson

Don’t Wanna Be Those Other Sluts, Baby!

I was fucking her
ass up the couch
where we were leaning back
to watch some very boring movie
about Kansas in the 70s
until I got my hands on her big
Asian tits
and pulled her nipples hard
soon I had her back on the cushion
ass in the air
and was plowing her dark hole
having a grand time
until she started speaking.”I dont want you to make me like your other girls,”
she said after pulling her hips back
and making my cockhead
drop out of her very tight asshole.
“You’re very special baby, whatever
you want.”Then,  her head already hanging
leaning off the couch like coffee beans
from a branch
I took her throat
inserting my cock
into her sweet Asian mouth
making her taste her ass.She looked me in the eye hard, a scowl.
“The others don’t go ass to mouth, do they?”

You choose the sexcapade’s ending:

BDSM and love

#1 “No, baby. Only you!”


#2 “They’ll go A2M, pig!”