Category Archives: How-to for Women

Triangulum Stain, the story of a chemical agent from outer space landing on Earth via a space capsule that crashes into the Arizona desert features an attack of replicating alien dildos that must be stopped for Earthlings to survive (gasp!). Fuck Force Five (see image) is a highly trained Women in Black (WIB) elite fighting force dispatched to restore order and get rid of any extraterrestrial/paranormal invaders by any means necessary—whether through force or through fucking.

There really isn’t much difference between rappelling down the face of a mountain or the side of a giant sentient dildo sent to destroy you. The Fuck Force Five Manual provides the basics. Please read carefully, raise your hand if you have any questions:

1. Make sure the belay is on. Safety first. No matter how highly trained you and your group are, you must confirm. Double check by asking your partner, “Belay on?” You’ll have to scream because when rappelling down the side of a Giant Dildo you have a lot of distance to cover and it’s hard to hear. She’ll look back up at you and shout up, “Lay Hans?” Shake your head. She’ll keep talking: “Who is Hans?” Put your forefinger to your mouth to tell her to shush. Then put your arms in an X shape over your chest to signal “wrong”. Once you have her full attention, grab the belay rope and jiggle it. Point to her and ask again, “Is the belay on?” She’ll make the Italian gesture Madonna and then yell back up, “Belay is on. Of course.”
2. Make sure to breath. The hard thing about rappelling and using the belay system is that if you get nervous and shaky it’s hard to grip the cords that make friction to slow you down, and rappelling down a dildo too fast is quite dangerous. You’d like to go medium speed and drift down and land, kick off, drift down and land. Every Fuck Force Five agent is highly trained to handle the stressful situations. Breathing is step one to stress management. Once you’re feeling loose, jump and descend, jump and descend. Repeat.
3. I love my job. I mean, seriously, who gets to do this? I’m rocketed into the pristine Arizona desert, a place that gets over sixteen million visitors every year. I get to rock my latex suit, my red boots, my gas mask, and my gloves. I get to rappel down living silicone made from human semen. This is like all Moby Dick on acid, dudes! All those Moby Dicks sailors coaxing the sperm out of the sperm whale (a very erotic scene!), rubbing, kneeding, jerking in one great mess of sperm and whale where one person ended and another began was all very vague. So it is here in Arizona with giant dildos, human male sperm, and WIB sent to fuck them all into submission. What’s not to love?
4. What’s controlling this thing? Do you think I could get in the pee-hole and see what is down there? A super-computer? the Wizard of Oz pulling strings? Katy Perry?
5. Does this giant cock mean there’s a giant pussy out there? What does the pussy look like that can take this massive sentient dildo? Not sure I ever want to come into contact with that.
6. Look around and be aware of your surroundings. When you land, survey the scene. Where there’s one Alien Dildo you’re likely to find more. These dildos infest like roaches. Remember, where there’s a will there’s a way!
7. Get right down to business. Make sure you’ve got your finger on the Crabwater Release Mechanism (CRM). Rappelling down a giant cock in the desert while Earth is under attack and humans are under the threat of extinction can be quite distracting. Stay on point. There’s important business at hand. That’s why you’ve been rocketed in. Spray these alien bastards with the synthesis. It’s time to take down some alien cock, girls!

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