Action Figure Erotica | Guest Post by Lady Ristretto

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I have been lucky enough to meet some incredible people through this blog and my writing career. Today, we get a special treat. We get to look into the depraved, highly-intellectual mind of my new friend Lady Ristretto. Without further ado, I give the floor to the Mistress of Kool Kink . . . 

 

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Action Figure Erotica: how adults play with their toys

Once upon a time, it all began with Robot Chicken (RC). I was in grad school working on a Phd in theater when I saw its first episode.

It was dazzling, elegant, simple. Fifteen minute episodes comprised of seconds-long sketches using a variety of toys and action figures from the eighties. The writing was tight, funny, and smart.

RC is to comedy as Action Figure Erotica (AFE) is to sex.

But AFE aspires to be more than RC. Or, perhaps, it aspires to be as smart and sharp as RC is at its best.

Of course, this genre is merely the red-headed stepchild of historical fiction. Our culture certainly has a boner for historical accuracy and museum quality fiction. Gary Oldman just won an Oscar for his nuanced portrayal of Winston Churchill. Daniel Day Lewis also portrayed Lincoln, Philip Seymour Hoffman was Capote, and Judi Dench as Queen Victoria. These are only a few. Audiences jizz over watching these difficult, meticulously detailed, highly quaffed performances. It’s as if the real people are resurrected and we’re watching a reality show with extreme pageantry, and we all gain cultural capital.

I reject Museum Quality and Historical Accuracy. I don’t believe that Accuracy can be attained. History is a story written by an academic using facts and artifacts to interpret an event in time. Even AFE is History. It isn’t good history, but it does follow the strict definition of history. And it has a lot of sex in it, even when it is gratuitous and used as structurally as punctuation marks.

I have too much education and it has influenced what AFE stories I tell. I’m attracted to the brainy intellectuals, those figures who have been made into action figures because of their scientific or literary work. I love mythological figures as well, for they are at the heart of much cultural history, and can be as influential as real people. This includes every character from any story, from Gilgamesh to Rick and Morty.

Who wouldn’t want to read a sex scene between the multi-armed Hindu goddess Kali and President Abraham Lincoln. Or Marie Curie and Medusa?

So what is AFE exactly? Are there rules? These are my guidelines:

  • The main characters must have been made into action figures. It doesn’t matter if the subject is a real or fictional person. I wrote a story about Bernie Sanders and Anne Frank. Yes, Anne Frank has an action figure. I have more flexibility for supporting characters, to make the stories more interesting and my life easier.
  • The definition of what constitutes an “action figure” is pretty loose. Sometimes to make things easy on myself, I’ll go so far to include bobble heads. Generally, anything that is a small representation of a person counts.
  • No particular genre is required other than erotica. There has to be fucking. Any kind of fucking. It doesn’t have to be extreme, strange, or vanilla. Of course, interesting scenarios do present themselves. How would Cthulhu fuck? Would Quasimodo be into cuckolding? Can Medusa’s snakes function as sexual organs? What would William Howard Taft look like as he orgasmed?
  • Avoid copyright wars. I usually have no problem stealing images and writing plays that are collages of copyrighted texts; I get on my high horse and scream that I’m stealing in the name of art. But when it comes to using copyrighted characters in a text through which I might make money (there’s no money in theater), I don’t make my life potentially miserable. I force myself to creative. For example, Marie Curie saves the Titanic with the help of Kent Calhoun, a flying alien with superhuman strength, and his billionaire friend Brewster Wainwright, a brooding genius that has built a mechanical suit for himself that makes him look like a bat. You can still have your way and it does make it more fun for the audience to be in on a subtle joke.
  • Don’t worry about timelines or justifying why youthful Albert Einstein, Rosie the Riveter, and Victor Frankenstein are living in the same era. Time isn’t the point. Accuracy isn’t the point.
  • Because of its inspiration to RC, don’t assume that AFE must be funny. The scenarios sound absurd, but the stories needn’t be. My Marie Curie has PTSD from an abusive marriage and is an alcoholic. With the help of Bernie Sanders, Anne Frank works through the trauma she endured in Auschwitz. And Abraham Lincoln is suffering from shell shock and taking a siesta in the desert, working himself back up to returning to the civil war. There are also fun elements—such as a brothel of (My Little) Ponies run by a cyclops. I mix up the drama and absurdity; that’s what I learned from watching M.A.S.H. through my childhood. That’s what life really is: horror and clowns. Clowns who make us laugh and then hit us in the face with a hatchet. (But you needn’t be so extreme.)

Above all, I believe in fun. The fun doesn’t have to be pie-in-the-face, but not every treatment of history must look like it emerged from the British Museum. That’s what action figures are: they are toys representing some of the greatest minds we’ve ever known (imagine the great minds that haven’t been documented by history) available to us so we can play. The toys aren’t fixed in scenes as characters in movies. They are autonomous and designed to be put in new stories with new people, inviting us to be creative and playful.

That’s the most important thing: AFE must be playful, creative, and sexual. Shouldn’t that be something we all be in our own lives?

www.ladyristretto.com

Twitter: @LadyRistretto4u

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ladyristretto

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7 Things that Cause a Nuclear Meltdown #TriangulumStain #LPRTG

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This is a smutpunk style excerpt from Attack of the North Korean Giantesses (part of the Triangulum Stain Universe).

I will email later offering a chance to beta read some ARCs. However, feel free to tell me know that you’d like to see what I have so far. I’d love to share and get your thoughts.

Rumor has it that North Korean women are some of the sexiest women in the world.
FUN FACT: According to the Asian Sex Gazette, the North Korean man is the best in the world at giving cunnilingus.

Triangulum Stain Episodes:

Episode One – Pop & Lollie

Episode Two – Attack of the North Korean Giantesses

 

Triangulum Stain Novellas

Attack of the Replicating Alien Dildos

Battle for Alien Relish

 

The Partial Meltdown

The same way god built an onion in layers, the North Koreans built this nuclear reactor in layers. The layers were built as a fail safe in the event of a meltdown, but nobody expected this magnitude of human error. To have a disaster, seven errors would have to take place simultaneously. Seven areas of the protective onion shield would have to be left open. In other words, seven rare events would have to simultaneously occur. Otherwise the place was tip top.

Nuclear Meltdown

One

Kim Min Ho was supposed to make sure the outer shell was locked, but he was out back going for a smoke when he passed out from low sugar. He hadn’t been eating well and was experiencing bouts of colorful dots dancing in front of his eyes. This bout formed an electric eye that closed leaving him face down in the mud.

 

Two

Park Jung Woo was supposed to close his section but he had written a suicide pact with his childhood friend and was planning to melt the earth. Intentionally.

 

Three

Han Ji Min left his section open because Byeong Yeon, who had left his section like a gaped open asshole, was kneeling there giving him a blowjob. The complex was built in a way that leaving the section open let them both hide from the security camera so nobody would know of their homosexuality. This was the problem with years of Confucianism. Although homosexuality ran rampant, especially in the cold lonely military, it wasn’t at all accepted publicly. “I’d prefer a nuclear meltdown,” reasoned Byeong Yeon in typical staunch North Korean homophobia, “to being outed as a faggot.”

 

Four

Yeong Seok Ho forgot to water the fuel rods. This was an unacceptable schoolboy error. Nuclear maintenance 101 was to feed the fuel rods their drink and keep them cool. Everybody knew that once a nuclear reactor got to hot it started to melt.

 

Five

Seok Soo Jung didn’t realize the steel containment vessel had melted. It sounded an alarm, but he was listening to South Korea’s Girls Generation at Full Volume. In fact, he watched the video on his smartphone and jerked off to their shimmying childish sex appeal. That made him sleepy. The haze and the loud music made him oblivious to the alarm.

 

Six

Jung Yeong Jin just didn’t monitor the radiation levels. Not everybody is so good at his job. Yeong Jin was one of those guys that should be relegated to a desk job nobody cared about without the stakes of all of humanity resting on his weak shoulders.

 

Seven

The reactor had very few women in the inner sanctum, another clear tactical error put in place robotically by the North Korean brass. Misogyny had real world consequences. It was similar to how American football teams relegated women media members only to the sidelines that women in North Korean nuclear power plants weren’t given positions of responsibility and security. The outside part of the reactor had many women working as secretaries. The inside was manned by men. The outside was manned by women. Quizzical. Korean culture favored men greatly. So when the radiation leaked out. The men were turned quickly into glowing green homosexual jelly and died instantaneously. It was only women wishing the first kilometer of the radiation and these women were smart enough and focused enough to act quick. Jong Eun used an emergency code to sound the sirens, red lights swirled up on high walls and a final seal was created around the plant to avoid a full meltdown. However, Jong Eun and her seven cohorts were zapped with heavy doses of radiation. Enough to kill them ten times over.

However, the women manning the desks didn’t die.

The secretaries walked out the doors to the train station. On the platform, they peacefully waited for the train.

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“I’d prefer a nuclear meltdown,” reasoned Byeong Yeon with typical staunch North Korean homophobia, to being outed as a faggot.”

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This is an Indonesia Police Officer. I’m trying to find a good photos of a hot North Korean military officer. Their outfits are awesome but hard to find on the internet.

Found some:

Democratic People’s Republic of Korea Soldier

(091001) — BEIJING, Oct. 1, 2009 (Xinhua) — Militiawomen attending the celebrations for the 60th anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of China, rehearse on the Tian’anmen Square in central Beijing, capital of China, Oct. 1, 2009. (Xinhua/Zhang Yanhui) (lyi)

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New Tabbed Smutpunk Bookshelf

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New Tabbed Smutpunk Bookshelf

All the madcap cyberpunk, splatterpunk, genre-blending, gender-bending S. Punk you’ve come to expect from MJ, aka King SMUTPUNK

Click the tabs to see what books lie in that category. Start with Futanari and work your way all the way to Sci-Fi. 

 Futadelic
(see review

The Power of Potion

The Power of Potion

Futadelic - The Power of Potion

Futadelic – The Power of Potion

Futadelic (excerpt)

 Futa Boxing Gym
Conquering Ines

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 Futa Boxing Gym 2
1948 (Amazon)
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Other Versions:

1948 (Exclusive Smutpunk)
1948 (Blurb)
1948 (Freebie)
1948
 (excerpt)

 

 

Sarchasmo V. Apographia – Copycats are on the loose stealing ideas left and right until Sarchasmo shows up to mete out justice. This makes fun of how many indie writers blatantly rip off other indie writers. Enjoy!

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TheAdventuresOfSarchasmoVersusApographia69

Sarchasmo V. Mr. Whiteprick – A horrible Indie writer whom they call Whiteprick has picked a fight with the wrong sweet Louisiana Cherry Blossom. Sarchasmo is on the case to mete out his cockslapping brand of social justice. This one pokes fun at the state of publishing in 2017. Enjoy!

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Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired (Season One)

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Moctezuma Johnson’s Chronicles of Humiliation Backfired

 

 

Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired (Season Two) — Cumming Soon — Join the Mailing List to Get Notifications of Release Dates and Sales/Freebies! pulp-covers-smutpunk-on-skates-reveal
Messy Blowjob Gunge Pie Steak Pi Day

Promotional Poster for the Steak and BJ Bundle

Jane’s Steak and BJ Night Surprise (see review

The Nose (see review

The Steak and BJ Bundle (see review

Real and Imaginary

Poisonous Apples

Smutpunk Poetry (coming soon) Join the Mailing List to Get Notifications of Release Dates and Sales/Freebies!

The Black Book (coming soon) Join the Mailing List to Get Notifications of Release Dates and Sales/Freebies!

Click the Tongue for Fun

Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade

A story all about YOU in which YOU make all the decisions!

The TriStain Universe Episodes:

Pop & Lollie (Teabagged by the Sentient Lollipop aka the Candy Cunt Saga) Pop-n-Lollie--Pulp

emme hor

whore

 

 

 

Am I missing something? Let me know. Please share this ever-updating bookshelf with your followers, too. Thank you.

Hot Women – SMUTPUNK Erotica Images

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Hot Women – Smutpunk Erotica Images

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Look at those Big Tits (big Asian tits) dipping in the water!

#NSFW Fotos eroticas del escritor Moctezuma Johnosn @MJKingOfErotica

una puta de moctezuma

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Natasha from MILKED BY THE YETI

Natasha from MILKED BY THE YETI

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I'm not sure where the line between classy and nasty is all the time.

I’m not sure where the line between classy and nasty is all the time.

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At the back of Bored to Tears by My Asian Husband is a very fucked up story of a young wife and an alleyway. It’s a little smutpunk gem in an otherwise pretty straightforward little book.

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Futanari Harley Quinn | a poem | #FB #erotica

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Futanari Harley Quinn Poem

 

#LPRTG

LiteraryPornRTG sponsors Futanari Harley Quinn Romance (see original)

for all the futa fans of batman 

she has a two-toned gun
the slick-skinned slut criminal
she’ll use the fucking thing
she’s got the jester’s PVC cap
on
the bells ring
red and black
as her clit
swells
her nipples bulge
on her big
slippery tits
her dick rings
as her bell
guns
mushroom-like and juicy
it busts
its veins
its cum tube
all over
the cat woman’s mask
and matching black lipstick
as her red hair billows in Gotham’s wind

 

 

 

 

 

Find more Posts about Superheroes

^8^ Share if you enjoyed ^8^

Hentai Foundry is an Awesome Site! (suggested to me by a cool dude)

Someone once said that if I were to combine the keywords Literary Porn with Chun Li I’d be an instant Erotica Success

Well, that never happened.

It did lead me into a renewed interest in hentai. Here are some incredible drawings by amazing artists found on Hentai Foundry. As a writer, I’m so totally indebted to and in awe of the genius of these talented artists from all over the world. Wow. Check out their pages and commission them for some drawings ASAP. I know I will!

 

 

 

 

Other great creative futa bukkake links:

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/Spidu/230179/A-Day-Off
http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/ashraam/239090/Royal-Glutton
http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/CosmicPirate/413549/Alley-Snack-part-2
http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/iri-neko/430719/Tiones-Bukkake
I love the cross: http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/ScarlettAnn/414936/Natasha-commissipn
http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/dmitrys/30214/Roller-Futa
Seems like a Five Hive kind of situation: http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/anotherartistmore/431252/HEAVY-2
http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pictures/user/xxoom/404600/Reina-surrounded-by-monster