Moctezuma Johnson’s Erotic Smutpunk Bulletin #0 (The Pilot) | The Bullshit Bulletin

Erotic_smutpunk-bulletin

Moctezuma Johnson wants to get the word out: The Erotic Smutpunk Bulletin

Ever heard of Marvel’s Bulletin Board? [[insert image here]]

We should be doing that too. We have T. Queef and some other saps to take the piss out of a bit. There are the one wank wonders, the cunts and dicks who’ve never learnt no grammer, and the tweetathoners. Then there’s Mr. B’s crew. They are nice so I won’t fuck with them even though I wish I could tell you from cunt to black & white cocksucker where the line of “tasteful” gets drawn, in what color, and by whom, but that’s not the issue here. No, no, they don’t say tasteful, they say “classy.” I say assy but the fact that the Mr. B group has a pulse, a libido, and N angle makes me want to have a thousand arms to finger the nymphs and jerk the duke. The nymphettes are nice. They are awesome to me one-on-one and have retweeted the shit out of me. Oh, and my wife, the jynxy mynx named Emme “Cocksucking” Hor is one of them, for fucks sake. How can Moctezuma Johnson not join?

If you can’t beat ’em, join em.

Me? No. Like Groucho Marx said, “I don’t want to be part of any group that would have me for a member.” Not that they would have me as a member. But I still consider them part of the bullpen, especially Jenny, Linzi, July, and Callie. There are a bunch of other fuckers and page eroti-suckers who I want to fold into the mix like blueberries into hot muff(in) batter. There’s Reed James and the Naught Book Snitch with her GIFtopia. One day at a time, like a good AA member.

Get Your Spider-Man Shirt

Get Your Spider-Man Shirt

A literary porn erotic smutpunk bulletin

A place to get important upcoming news in the literary erotica universe. We don’t have a bullpen where we all sit and one table and crank out mad creativity cause we all sit all by our lonesomes in our underwear with coffee, wine, joints, or all three, and do our bidding with our bots and one-handed typing. I guess twitter is our ‘pen but that’s pure chaos. Bulls are way more organized than we are on twitter. We are out of fucking control with all the tweets (thanks tweetathoners, I’m so sick of seeing repeat lines and repeat images), all the dick picks (it’s mostly dudes from the subcontinent – guys, I’m a dude. Do you want this Latino-Italian guy looking at your dick? You do? Then read my FUTA shit!), and all the book link BUY MY BOOK links, you can have a nervous breakdown in five minutes. Luckily I mostly ignore DMs so they can send cocks ’til the cows come home. My point is that authors could use a little bulletin that boils down the news so we can see what’s going on. We need an easy to manage quick news rather than scrolling through noise. In Seoul, busy streets have neon signs in every spot imaginable advertising stuff. The neon-barrage is so strong that I feel like I’m walking in the dark. I’ve unconsciously mentally turned off every buzzing colorful light. In real life these electric color-boards tell me to shop, eat, and drink at their establishments. In my mind I see a quiet black sky and hot Asian chicks in short skirts. These stores should start sending me dick pictures, they’d be better off. We could have a bulletin.

Why was Marvel’s Bulletin so Amazing?

Cause comics rule! I loved those Marvel chats with Stan the Man. Stan’s Soapbox. Sexy. I loved wrestling and metallica too, but I outgrew the latter two things. Comics still fucking rule!

I go to comic book stores regularly because flipping through a bunch of comic books jumpstarts my mind in a way that nothing else can. The creativity within these pages is off the charts. It was Callie Press who said some erotic smutpunk bulletin magic words to me the other night by DM that really knocked my socks deep up my anal cavity. She said, “Excelsior!” out of nowhere or some of the other weird ass words Stan “The Man” Lee would throw out there. It made me look up why the fuck he did that and I found out it was because he thought his competition (the fuckers that would copy everything) wouldn’t be able to copy it because they wouldn’t know how to spell it after he said it. Lol. That just cracks me up and I’m pretty sure some of my haters can’t spell abominable snowman nor the Philippines. I take pleasure in that. And in saying, Fuck you to the haters. I’ve watched most of them drop off like flies (see T. Queef) and disappear back into the narrow-minded fetters from whence they came. You know what I say, Can’t a Husband Suck His Wife’s Cock Anymore? Western culture has become too Politically Cum-rect(al). Asia is still a much rawer place.

Thankfully I can hide my head in the cum-stained sand and write about the destruction of the universe by the Sluts of the Oblong-Dong Table and the drying up of The Streams of Sementopia and the ismywifeaFUTAvolcanic Mt. Ejaculi going dormant. I can write about Yeti’s taking big-titted Russian whores as slaves and then getting sick of them and kicking them down the side of a mountain. I can read about a Halloween Spook being all too real and using virgin sperm and menstrual blood to erase and create universes. This is the fun of what I’ve termed Literary Porn Erotica. Kat Crimson calls it smart smut or cerebral smut, which is another kick ass term. I’m stoked to be a part of this fucked up wave of eWriters who can self-publish their stuff and tweet with their readers and have a jolly old time. Just the way these Marvel Bulletins were a cool way to feel a part of the comic crowd, we get excited about new work thanks to blogs, tweets, posts, and other sharers. I’m going to boil it down every bulletin board. That’s my pledge. Feel free to send me shit that you know has to be out there. I feel free to ignore shit that has no place.

Hey, Queen Kegel, Excelsior! Let’s start putting EROTIC PULP of Heroes and Villians! into all our eBooks (natch!)

Literary Porn Club, baby! SAN ESPERMA cockslapping fools left and right for Candy Cane Kegel and the SUPERhung superHUNK SPaCe GlaDIatorS

Bullpen Bulletin #o (The Pilot Cerebral Erotic Smutpunk Bulletin):

The Milked by the Yeti Series has begun. Book 1 by Moctezuma is out on the literaryporn.net site and Callie Press is writing Book 2 as I write this. She’s released the first installment, introducing Vivek and bring the milking fucking Yeti back for more scary, sexy fun.

‘Nuff said!

Erotic-Smutpunk-Bulletin_Moctezuma-Johnson

GUYS! Follow Moctezuma’s Site and Get Your Free Testicle Exam from Kitchen COWgirl!

Books Read by Brittany During the Flight from the USA to Thailand | #MrBrtg

by Emme Hor

Kindle Erotic Books read by Brittany in I Am Not a Whore, At Least Not Yet! from the Confessions of a Whore Series.

The Book of Real & Imaginary Girlfriends 1 & 2 by Moctezuma Johnson

[amazon text=Butterface by Callie Press&asin=B0151S70BW]

[amazon text=His Cherished Sub by Linzi Bassett&asin=B015VE6J5E]

[amazon text=Submission at the Tower by Felicity Brandon&asin=B014VUFQMG]

[amazon text=Jizziebelle by Kat Crimson&asin=1943322007]

[amazon text=That Beefhead by Emme Hor&asin=B0118FWZIA]

 

 

 

Book Reviews: Four of them because like orgasms they should be multiple

book-review

Book Reviews: Four Reviews of Four Awesome Contemporary Romance and Erotica Writers

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First I had this obsession with the writing of Connie Cliff. If you check my archives you will see that I reviewed many of her books. Then it was the Wizards Daughters that Michael Dalton penned. Now it’s Callie Press. She burst on my erotica radar this year as subtle as a Stealth Bomber over Syria (thoughts to all my French brothers and sisters) with The Chamber Pot Prince and Donna the Office Slutbag and other awesome titles, but nothing was written this year with as much skill, subtlety, humor, sense, sensitivity, and just plain fun as Callie’s Halloween Tale Butterface. In my opinion, this was the Erotica Book of the Year. No disrespect to anybody else’s books (including my own) but nothing stacks up against this masturba-piece. Nothing. Butterface has elements of Lovecraft, of Watson & Crick, of Stephen King, of me (yeah, I said it – Callie’s my girl, and this is my blog, so I can say anything I want), of Shakespeare (yes, her ear for dialogue is that good), and other shit that just isn’t coming to mind cause I’m a dunce and haven’t had coffee yet. Now, as awesome as Butterface is, some other books have also been absolutely fucking awesome. I cannot list them all but here are a few that I have just recently read, from authors who truly know how to turn a phrase.

Ashlee Shades (aka Ashlee S. Hades, the devilish one) [amazon text=Blind Sensations&asin=B014I57BUY]

This was a great book.

This is the second book of Ashlee Shades that I have read and I quite enjoyed the focus on the senses. There are a few bits of tense trouble but otherwise the prose is polished and the story is captivating. Samantha endures horrible blind dates and then starts on her blindfolded-with-a-total-stranger journey that is very hot and quite interesting. The character goes on a strange date that leads her to drive to his mansion (err, castle) to be led into an empty room by a butler and willingly put on a blindfold before she meets her “date.” I would have liked Samantha, the main character, to have asked the mystery man more questions. clare-bachelor-juan-pablo-blindfold-dateEven if they were just in her head I think that could have added to the strangeness and anxiety of wearing a blindfold for the first time, but maybe that’s just me. I’m weird. I’m sick. I’m wonderful. The way Ashlee wrote it, I enjoyed the sensory deprivation a lot, and thought this was the strongest part of the book. The sex (or sense) scenes were captivating. Ashlee really wrote some awesome sexy bits.

The ending was telegraphed early on in the book, but I still found reading to its conclusion to be a ton of hot, steamy fun. Shades has a way with words. By limiting the character’s sight she really enhanced the writing, the atmosphere, and the senses. The plot took a back seat to the fun.

The book left me quite satisfied. I highly recommend it. Surely there will be a part 2 soon and I’m looking forward to it. As I edit this post to publish it I realize that part 2 is already out. I’m too slow to keep up!

 

July Cumming [amazon text=Wet and Naughty First Times Bundle&asin=B015LYXVOG]

This book starts with a couple stories that are hot first timers. Please don’t take my speed of covering the first two stories to be a sign that they are weak, they most certainly are not, it’s just that story 3 in this collection may be the best short story written in 2015.

Let’s back up to story one for a moment. There’s a sexy little vixen in the first one that sent me right over the edge. I mean, it has all the taboos of underage and overstimulated. Without getting us on an FBI’s most wanted list lets just say there may be a bit of subtle coercion in this one.

I read the second one in the haze of a post-self-coital romp (thanks, July!). The title suits this book perfectly, there are different naughty first times but the last story really ramps the theme up into a frenzy that could be titled “So Very, Nearly Illegally, Past the Point of Naughty First Times.” The first two stories are quality: hot and naughty and quite satisfying reads. They show that Ms. Cumming has earned her name. Then there story 3: fucking genius! It  is a tale about a certain boss [I like to think of the name as a group of tall, smart, brave women (Hint: also a river and rainforest)] who manipulates an erotica writer into coming into his posh office. This short story will blow the buttons off your blouse. Holy shizzayt what a story! It’s funny and hot and insane and nasty and barely legal and brilliantly features a layered, larger than life robe-wearing CEO we all know too well and love to hate and hate to love. The play on our personal relationships with this diva CEO makes it all the more real, fun, and goddamn spectacular. This story is Stephen King meets Jade Marcela. It’s Steve Jobs dominates the world of Hip Hop Cinematography with all off Snoop Dogg’s hookers and hos. Explaining the power of this plot is like taking a drop of water and explaining hydroelectric power. Sorry, I would love to play spoilers but, oops, the drink in my hand just squirted all over me. Guess I was too excited so you’re just going to have to read this erotica tour-de-force for yourself. If you like hardcore smut you’re going to find nirvana. I did.

Excuse me while I clean up.

 

Linzi Basset [amazon text=His Cherished Sub&asin=B015VE6J5E]

Many of you may be familiar with Linzi’s world of BDSM clubs and a syndicate. I was not. I started with [amazon text=His FBI Sub&asin=B00S38JEXK] and then started on His Cherished Sub. My first impression is that Linzi knows two things really well. She knows how to write and how to get readers excited. Her writing ability is top-notch and the editing of the book is superb.

Linzi's Zander is as handsome as Zander, but not a cartoon.

Linzi’s Zander is as handsome as Xander, but not a cartoon.

It doesn’t read like most of the erotica out there. The prose is very polished which makes the sex scenes all the more powerful. Also, Linzi understands really sexy characters. If her main female Kendra were in my office, legs spread on my desk, while I typed this I’d definitely be knee-deep in her buttery pussy. She was irresistible. The men are pretty hot as well. For a male reader they are the kind of guys I’d like to have a few shots with and high five during a gangbang. Linzi writes men quite well. Very sexy. Very cool.

The plot is that Kendra doesn’t really want to be involved in this club but thanks to being cash-strapped finds herself as an assistant and a pole-dancer (hot, right?). From here she immediately falls for and catches the attention of Z, one of the studs of the club. Z, short for Zander (yes, I’m thinking Xander Crews, too! Where’s Killface?) can’t believe he’s falling for any piece of ass and makes it his first mission to break this jaded little hot bitch. The thing is the more he tortures her, and he does torture her (orgasm deprivation, bondage, obedience, ball gags, etc), the more he finds himself falling for her.

I don’t want to spoil the twists and turns any more than I already have. The plot is pretty intricate with characters having more than a Club Alpha Cove Persona. They have dynamic lives, backgrounds, and jobs. This is all a testament to the fact that Linzi can really write. She has a her ear to the pavement for realistic dialogue, and an amazing sense of character. As I read before cracking open the first book, her command of the English language is not what we’ve come to expect from the average erotica writer. Linzi could be writing in any genre, including fine literature.

Read Linzi for yourself. You will be blown away.

 

Callie Press [amazon text=Butterface&asin=B0151S70BW]

See my Book Review of Butterface Here

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You’ve seen Mr. B’s girls. Now check out one of MJ’s.

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Review of Callie Press – How to Give Good Head & Butterface | She’s so nice I reviewed her twice @CalliePress #LPRTG

book-review

I am reviewing two Callie Press books in one post. Why? Cuz I wanna. It’s my blog site and I’ll do what I want. I’ve been messing around on Goodreads like a teenager feeling up his first set of tits while hiding in the back of the bus from the Godly Army. It’s awkward and weird and there’s sticky stuff all over the back of the seat, so I’d prefer to put my words down here free from the shackles of censorship and the Godly Prude Army. 

 

How to Give Great Head

I have always been a huge fan of Callie Press. Ever since I read The Chamber Pot Prince by Callie I’ve been her secret admirer. Well, I’ve told her so there’s nothing secret about my ogling, I’m just an admirer, but secret sounds so much more tawdry, like I’m a creeper breaking into her house, stealing her underwear, and sewing them into my new shower curtain.
This Give Great Head book was easy to like. I have stats about women giving head. They aren’t good. Most womeDeepThroatAngeln who get high scores are self-rate. Men score these same women significantly lower. Who will you trust, the one with the equipment being used or the one borrowing cock and balls every once in a while and mostly playing while drunk. We have a problem, and here cums (yes, i’m chuckling) Callie with her advice. It’s great. The book mostly explores the attitude needed to really suck a dick. Attitude is everything. Women are improving their cocksucking skills already. The numbers are going up whether self-rated or scored by a think tank (yes, my name for a blow bang). So what’s not to like about this book. Also it contains an awesome foreword by another titan of literary porn erotica: me. Keep in mind, ladies, I give 1-on-1 lessons called “Teaching Girls to Face Fuck.” Inquire within. In the meantime, read [amazon text=How to Give Great Head.&asin=B014RKVPO8]
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Butterface

This just may be the Erotica Book of the Year. Okay, okay, you know I’m a bit prejudiced when it comes to Callie. I mean, she’s a big-titted sexpot with red hair so how could I possible retits, err, resist? Really, to be honest, I can’t. I have no willpower. Tits turn me into putty. However, my lack of willpower doesn’t take away from the absolute masterpiece she’s written here. It’s a halloween tale, but it’s so much more than that.

Butterface is gonna git ya

The plot is basically this, boys that haven’t gotten their peckers wet yet are going to die. In fact, they are going to get fucked to death. There’s this boogiewoman, this succubus, that wants their teen jizz. She will fuck their brains out, literally, leaving drooling, non-coherent fucknuckles in their used up, once virile bodies. One weird, very deliberate choice by Callie to add to the inbred feel of the book is to give just about all the characters virtually the same name, like Jimmy Bob and Billy Jimmy and Billy Bob.  The names plus this homoerotic fishing hole with jizz floating in the water leads you into the tale told mostly from the heresy of Old Pap. Without jizz, the primordial protein, we wouldn’t be alive and this is the theme that makes Butterface so much more than a Halloween tale. It’s a history of the universe, it’s a creation story, it’s a Cthulhu myth, and it’s a hot, nasty panty-wetting, titty-rubbing, cock-hardening literary porn erotica opus.

No more plot spoiling, that’s close enough to the verge for me to elicit a little gooey pre-cum but not one glistening drip more.

The thing that’s remarkable in this book is the voice. The narrator’s voice is as polished as a million-dollar pearl while the characters sound like something out of a Faulkner masterpiece. In the first few pages you’ll hear that Callie has an incredible ear for dialogue, particularly the speech of these inbred country folk. It’s so intense I couldn’t help think, even though I know she’s a genius, that she couldn’t keep it up (yes, I’m giggling) for the whole book. But, holy hard-on, she keeps it up and rock hard the whole fucking book. It’s unlikely. It’s improbable. And she does it. Along the way, she tells quite a tale of star-crossed lovers sacrificing for each other, a horny old man making a deal with a she-devil, and a bunch of dumb innocent virgins making horrible decisions thanks to inbreeding, religion, and too much mercury in the water.

Don’t listen to a word I have put down here, everything I’m trying to say is too lubed up and skewed by my ejaculate and the sublimity in Callie’s erotic work of art. Just read it, get it straight from the source.

Quick before butterface come an’ git ya.

Buy [amazon text=Butterface&asin=B0151S70BW] (mouse-over for different amazon stores in different countries and languages)

 

Want to have more Callie Press fun? Find out how menstrual blood can build universes

 +++Quiz about Callie+++

Find out how menstrual blood builds universes
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The Quiz of Real and Imaginary Girlfriends | #LPRTG #EARTG | Yep, I’m bored enough to make (and take) a quiz on my own book

Anybody else want to try their luck on this asinine quiz? If you’ve read the book, you will most likely ace it. If you don’t, please let me know and I’ll give you the cliff notes.
Goodreads Quiz
The Quiz of Real and Imaginary Girlfriends
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BOOK STORE: Visit my Book Shop | #EARTG #LPRTG #Erotica

Book Store

Click the Image of the Literary Porn Club to Visit the Erotic SMUTPUNK Book Shop

Moctezuma Johnson hanging out in the Literary Porn club

Moctezuma Johnson hanging out in the Literary Porn club with his hat and sunglasses on. Click him to visit the Book Shop

The Enigmatic Billionaire Werewolf by Charity Bishop | Book Review

Book Review

So I’m reading Steampunk Romance now, huh? Lol. I never saw that coming.

Billionaire Erotica is definitely not my usual thing. Nor is Romance. However, [amazon text=The Enigmatic Billionaire Werewolf&asin=B010YDQDU8] is a lot of fun, so maybe I’m changing.

Who doesn't love Steampunk

Steampunk Romance

The Review: 4.5 out of 5 Stars

The steamy parts aren’t necessarily the hottest ever but they are well-written and the pace of the story is steady with a quite interesting plot. You have Steampunk, Werewolves, and Downton Abbey converging in this dark tale of a poor servant falling for a billionaire. I know, falling for a billionaire, who cares? Certainly not me, but this isn’t an ordinary billionaire: this guy transforms into a werewolf! The problem is, Emma, the poor servant who has come to the Abbey, is up to be sacrificed to the werewolves in a time honored tradition. Will the billionaire werewolf be able to help her or will this tough girl from the rough countryside have enough gumption, steampunk know-how, and brains to save herself. I’m not going to provide any spoilers. This is where the fun of the novel is. Emme is a well-developed, kick-butt main character. She’s strong, smart, and spunky. The only issue for me, was the fucking scenes weren’t rough enough (yes you know me!) and there were no werewolf parts going into human spots. I understand it’s romance, books get pulled for lesser crimes, so I guess “these are the breaks.”

If you’re looking for a paranormal romance with a steady and interesting plot, then you will love this book.

Learn More about Charity Bishop

MJ Reviews “The Chamber-Pot Prince” by Callie Press | #BookReview #LPRTG #Erotica

Callie Press pulls down her panties

The Chamber-Pot Prince

by Callie Press

Bring your “dirty” mind

A very naughty fairy tale for grown-ups

 

Callie made my acquaintance with something like this on twitter: I see you’re bogged down with the annoyance of bothering with plot in your writing. So naturally I was in love and had to read some of her work. Boy, am I glad, girl.

Callie has written a “dirty” story set in an ancient fairy tale land that is literally dirty thanks to some anachronistic burritos, an evil step mom, and a lewd chamber pot (click the link to learn about the wonderful world of arinolas, jordans, jerrys, or piss pots as they have been called).

Libby is the name of the princess with evil step mother. Callie says, “She’s basically me, but tall and blonde. I’m short and a redhead.” Yes, the author’s a redhead everywhere, perverts. I had to ask too. Everywhere. If you’re familiar with Walmart, you may have noticed Libby is named after some canned vegetables. I’ve miss out on Walmart, sadly, so I didn’t make that connection. No matter because Libby’s got big, beautiful tits, a perfect apple ass, and loves sucking dick. Yep, she’s the heroine of this erotic tale.

In the novelette, Libby’s been reprimanded by her step mom and has to clean the chamber pot which is overflowing with the nasties that a chamber pot gets filled with over the course of the days. When Libby starts to clean the pot, the story takes on its first of many twists. The chamber pot can talk and tells Libby that he’s really a rich, handsome man under an evil enchantment at the hands of an evil witch. A passionate kiss will release him, he says. Libby decides, disgusting or not, she should take the plunge and get the prince out of the chamber pot. What ensues is a lot of fun and more surprising than your average girl meets boy, girl fucks boy, girl is happy erotica.

I won’t provide any spoilers but I will tease you with this: the more she tries to suck the Prince out of the Chamber Pot the more she finds an ever-growing, meaty part of him. Libby also finds a way to unveil her firm yet huge maidenly tits.

If you like literary porn with a real dirty twist, this story by Callie Press should be on your kindle.

[amazon text=The Chamber-Pot Prince by Callie Press&asin=B013M5FX56]

 

More about Callie:

Find her @calliepress on Twitter

 

 

 

Next on my list by Callie Press is Dominating Donna

 

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MJ now reviewing on Naughty Book Snitch

rewview-red-sky-at-morning-by-Made-in-DNA

Don’t forget to see my Book Reviews on Naughty Book Snitch where I will be a part-time snitch.

Doesn’t that just sound great?

The first review is about a book by Made In DNA / Brent Millis. Red Sky at Morning, by Made in DNA, is an incredible story set in Post-Nuclear Meltdown Japan—what a lovely place!—that features a cyborg detective taking on a demon child killer. Come on, admit that’s fucking awesome! At 28-pages it’s an absolute must-read. So follow the link below (hover over to get multiple listings from multiple countries/languages) or read the review and then follow the link below.

[amazon text=Red Sky at Morning&asin=B007HZZ2D6] || Book Review at Naughty Book Snitch

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You may enjoy these other book reviews:

Moctezuma Johnson's Chronicles of Humiliation Backfired

Moctezuma Johnson’s Chronicles of Humiliation Backfired

She's Behind Her Man and All In Her Man!

She’s Behind Her Man and All In Her Man!

I always love a little dubious consent

I always love a little dubious consent

Moctezuma Johnson Reviews Christina Harding's Underneath the Gargoyles

Learn how to make gargoyles purr

The Wizard's Daughters are pretty delectable.

The Wizard’s Daughters are pretty delectable.

Book Reviews: Want a blurb?

book-review

Book Reviews: Can I offer you a blurb?

First off, book reviews are absolutely essential if you want to be an author. The problem is that they are quite hard to get. Authors go through all kinds of trouble joining groups, doing review swaps, and forming street teams, just to name a few of the ways authors try to succeed. All of these idea come with their own pitfalls.

I understand the troubles of finding someone who will write you a review so I’ve decided to help out. If you’re interested in a reading of your book by MJ, then please send me a note. I can post a review on this blog and Amazon. Check out some of my other reviews.