MJ’s SmutStreet Von Bitchenstein Street Team
Join the SMUTPUNK4LYF Street Team!
What does a SmutStreet Punkie Do?
I’m looking for people to post on FB groups, give reviews, beta read, and generally promote me and smutpunk (and enjoy it immensely along the way — no faking!). We will chat on FB. You will help me decide on covers, what positions to include in sex scenes, and help me name alien ships like the USS Enterthighs. There will be more, but it is highly classified and on a NTK basis only.
On Friday, I’m sending out ARCs for Advanced Reviews. Hurry up and sign up to get yours.
Foot Jobs, this weeks sex tip. Since we’ve all got feet, let’s objectify some!
Sometimes you’ll just want to eat your lover up. There are moments I get overwhelmed by desire. At these moments I can get the urge to show her feet all the love they can take. I have big, strong hands and can use them to stroke, knead, and love the feet attached to the woman I’m with. Now that’s a lot of fun but that’s just the tip of the foot-berg. The feet and their unique curves can be used to jerk off a cock. I mean, fuck, we had bagpiping as a sex tip. If we can use the underarm to achieve orgasm, we most certainly can use a couple of feet. Just place the cock in between and slide it up and down.
There are a few key positions to give a foot job, the jerking of a cock with the feet. She can be on her back with her knees bent like a frog and then push both her feet against the shaft of the cock and start rubbing forward and backward (this can be a good abs workout, too). Another great position is her on her back and the guy staring at her ass as she gets the hole made by two arches against each other fucked. If either of you have a thing for high heels, include them in the fun. There’s nothing like Aztec red heels for pleasuring a cock and they also make a great cum-catching vessel. My personal favorite foot pleasure position is me standing with her jumping up on my back from behind and wrapping her legs around me so that her feet are around my cock (see image).
Story of massage
I attended a writer’s conference in Mexico many years ago and one of the professors got a massage while we were all lounging an drinking beer and smoking. He was an older Canadian gentleman. He had given a reading that was really good that night. There was young upcoming writer with freckles and short blonde hair. I remember it vividly because he was on a chaise lounge moaning and the young coed was going to work on his feet. There was something highly sexual in the air even though nobody spoke about it. It was as if one move and she’d be bent over getting his cock hard from behind, but there was nothing inappropriate—it was just a massage. One can only wonder if the professor later put his cock between her two arches while she lay on her belly and twerked her ass.
The Feet Hold a Lot of Stress
The feet and the top of the head are the edges of our bodies. A lot of chi, if you will, is released from the edges. To put your cock right on the soles of the feet is a wonderful feeling as the cock absorbs all that excess matter that would have otherwise have disappated into the ether. Now you’ve swirled your chi and her chi together. It’s fucking foot fugue now instead of a foot forfeiture.
I tend to think of stress as a bad thing, like it’s going to give me cancer or make me accidentally walk in front of a train. However, stress is a good thing. When managed right, stress can be a motivator, instigator, and lead to incredible releases. The body pre-orgasm is totally stressed out. Ever study someone’s facial features during a romp? That aint the face of someone chilling. Feet meanwhile take a beating all day and hold the stress. That’s why a foot massage feels so good. So using the cock to massage the feet accomplishes a dual release. I’m not saying that having my feet rubbed makes me orgasm, but I am saying that at times I’d prefer a good massage to a hand job. So the feet get relaxed and release the stress, the cock gets stimulated and releases the stress, and then you have a two chill people just hanging out.
It sounds win-win to me.
The difference between a foot job and a foot massage.
There may be some confusion about this. A foot massage is hands on feet.
A foot job is cock on feet.
Now you can be sure and speak authoritatively at cocktail parties.
Great massage oil for nookie:
Links to Each Week’s
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6
7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
a complete baker’s dozen
14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20
Smutpunk Free Book Mega Giveaway Event 2018 is LIVE all April
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Misstaken Identities Anthology
How many words do you try to write a day?
Ugh, that’s the first question you ask me? Fucker. I’m slacking. I’d be good with 1000 a day, but I’m lucky if I get anything out. As soon as I find my mojo, I’ll get shit done.
What device do you work on?
Ahh, a crappy, laggy 5-year-old PC.
Can I cum in the crack of your ass while you write?
At the moment, no. I slipped on ice after karaoke and landed smack down on my plump ass. Yeah, it should’ve cushioned the blow, but the pain is real. Bending over isn’t as pleasant as it should be since it wasn’t in the right spot. My knees are good though!
I guess head will have to do. Have you ever gotten head while writing?
In what fantasy world do you live in? Is that an option? Can I start a casting call for that? Maybe I’d get some writing done if that happened.
Really? No? I’m actually surprised. I make my wife blow me while I write sometimes just for fun. Not to cum, just to be able to say I did it, you know what I mean? Sometimes you have to do things just for the story of it.
Have you ever had an orgy? with who? why?
By orgy do you mean more than one? A party of three can be very nice. A girl and a boy. More would be heavenly. I need to wish hard for that.
What’s your favorite book ever?
My own, duh!
If you went to a shrink, what would she diagnose you with?
A case of Skittlespox, Crazytwistedosis and dreameravitis.
No acute kareoakitis (or noraebangitis if you prefer the Korean word)? What about pervisteria?
what’s the biggest dick you’ve ever had the pain/pleasure of taking?
Well, they all ended up being the biggest dick. Oh, you meant size. 10-inch, but who’s measuring? Honestly, it’s not the size, it’s how you use it.
He was a virgin and didn’t know what to do with it. Took me months of personal lessons to get him to a six. He thought he was ready to move on and try it out on others. Sadly, if he hadn’t quit his training, he could’ve been a ten with a ten.
He did come back years later for another few lessons, it was like he’d converted to a born-again virgin. The Anal was great though!
They always want that old thing back, huh?
Michael Martine (aka Bryce Calderwood) answers a few off the cuff questions from MJ on FB messenger before April 2 Takeover Event.
MJ is this one
Bryce is this big purple one (not double entendre, I swear)
wine or whiskey?
I don’t drink
shaved or hairy as a tropical rainforest?
ever gone a year without paying taxes?
Yes, it’s called “not making any money.”
I know that not making money loophole. We’re tricky fuckers!
So, have you ever broken someone’s heart why?
I may have broken a couple hearts, but as to why I will keep to myself.
did you ever lose a tooth during a blowjob? or was there any other sex related injury?
Who broke your heart and why?
japanese or korean?
Nobody ever tried to punch me while I was getting my dick sucked, however the first time I ever had sex I got terrible rug burn on my knees and also discovered the fun way I was allergic to something in that condom.
I had a wild child girlfriend many years ago who broke my heart. Why? Nobody had better drugs than the dealer.
Japanese mostly but I’m coming around to Korean.
white or asian?
futa or giantess?
ass or mouth?
ass to mouth?
ass to pussy?
virgin or slut?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
LOL. That was easy. What do you wear when you write? (if I ask the women I have to ask the men too). Do you sit on a dildo chair while writing?
I wear clothes, the fuck is wrong with you.
That’s a different interview!
Ha! Dildo chair would be amusing, but alas, no.
…one that perhaps should be staged. Perhaps you interview me on my day? Eh eh eh? dildo swiss ball? dildo japanese blow up doll slash chair? paper or computer?
Pass. A fleshlight on a robot arm would be cool, though.
what’s your favorite word?
what language sounds sexiest to you?
Correctly spoken English because if I can’t understand it, it’s not sexy.
self-edit or paid editor?
self-covers or paid cover maker?
self-pleasure or paid pleasure giver?
Thank you for answering. I’m sure people downloading our books will want to know this shit.
Hiraeth, which means homesickness, but more specifically for a place you’ve never been to or that doesn’t exist.
Self-edited, and it shows.
Self-covers but I have years of design experience.
I don’t have the money to buy pleasure.
Your covers are incredibly crisp. You don’t have any degradation when changing sizes and stuff. Since I built the page I see that stuff closely.
not even a tub of ice cream?
Buy my books so I can afford a good soap girl.
that’s a great tagline.
Hey, I don’t need to buy pleasure for you to buy your books. I’m a fan.
Knowing that’s where my 33 cents is going is just a bonus
[[somebody inserted a GIF with a young Jack Nicholson acting cute and saying “Awwww Shucks!”]]
Okay, here are a few final questions from my readers…
Abdul from the Bronx wants to know “is body lotion a must after showering?”
Moisturizing is what separates us from the animals. Never forget that.
Brie from Albuquerque asks, “Have you ever gotten a review so good you got hard while reading it?”
I do get big raging “heart-ons” from good reviews.
and finally my wife wants to know, “why I can’t be more like you, huh?”
It’s the beard.
You should see my pubes. Nearly IDENTICAL.
Five minutes, my ass. Thanks for participating. You’re a good sport dealing with my dumb ass questions
Was fun, thanks
Get back to writing! Soap gurls don’t buy themselves.
That causes a rift in the space-sex continuum.
Every day in April this website will promote one author in support of the SMUTPUNK MEGA FREEBIE GIVEAWAY EVENT. Today’s author is the amazing Lady Ristretto, who recently did a guest post about Action Figure Erotica. Well, now you get to read some of it for free in the giveaway event. I’d like to share a little bit about the author, so you can get to know her a bit. Of course you can follow her on social media and the like, but here we will give an uncut, uncensored intimate look into some of her inner workings.
MJ: What do you wear when you write Action Figure Erotica?
MJ: Do you have action figures on the desk when you write (assuming you write on a desk)?
LR: tank top and pj pants. I write in the early morning or late at night. My pj pants have cats on unicorns battling dogs riding narwhals.
Alas, all of my action figures were lost in my divorce, but I do have a Kylo Ren bobble head who watches me write.
MJ: What’s your favorite color for men’s underwear?
LR: Favorite color of men’s underwear. I think my honest answer has to be “whatever”. I’m usually staring too much as the guy’s ass or package to notice his fashion. But when I’m at Target and see men’s underwear, I always like really crazy, tacky shit. Anything that looks mature and serious seems inappropriate.
MJ: Bacon or Sausage?
Bacon (I had a bacon action figure and, alas, it was consumed in the divorce). I heard somewhere that bacon is nature’s meat candy. Agreed.
MJ: Abs or ass? Redhead, Brunette, Blonde, or Bald? Bald, landing strip, or hairy bush?
Abs or ass? I had an abs discussion with my husband while we were watching soccer. Once Ronaldo showed off his perfect abs during a goal celebration. Like so perfect they looked like he used makeup to accentuate their Botoxed ridges. I found them not only hilarious, but evil. Great abs are a sign of a mind obsessed with self image to the point that it will over exercise a particular muscle group just to look stunning. I have no scientific evidence to support this and I’m completely irrational bordering on having a manic episode, but there it is. As for asses, not by default, but because it makes me think about having a woman on her hands and knees and eating her out from behind. Saw it once in a porno about a football player and a cheerleader. He had great abs. Life makes no sense.
Bald. Not because I like them prepubescent. It’s that hair reminds me of the early days of my period and I’d get blood knotted in my pubic hair. (You asked, but probably not for that much detail. Life is endlessly giving us what we don’t want and grossing us out.). Landing strips are just funny. I mean, it’s like a pussy has a Mohawk.
MJ: Pen Name or Real Name? Ever given a a golden shower?
Pen name, most definitely. I picked Ristretto because I have crazy amounts of barista experience and became a coffee snob. My most profound coffee experience was in a train station in Prague. I had a doppio ristretto and it was so strong, so powerful, I became a woman that day.
I added the title of “Lady” because of the “naughty aristocracy” schtick. Thought it made me sound sexier, more mysterious, hahaha
Bane was right.
Well, it’s complicated. I gave one during a sexting email conversation with a guy in Paris I had a semi-serious relationship with. Chatting was our entire relationship, and it was sometimes crazy, sometimes extreme. As in once we wrote a story about me being a cat and he getting off watching me use a litter box.
In real life, my first boyfriend peed in my mouth. Does that count?
MJ: have you ever broken anybody’s heart? why?
LR: Relentlessly. I’ll confess my worst, because this interview should be raw, right, and above all interesting. I had a boyfriend who was in remission from leukemia. It happened before we got together and it was a nasty, rare strain. He also had anger problems. He had severely hurt people for minor infractions. He threatened to kill me if I cheated on him. I believed him. I cheated on him twice. The second time I did it was while he was in the hospital after his leukemia reoccurred. I broke up with him not long after, when he transferred to a hospital out of state for more advanced treatment. The leukemia came back with incredible fierceness, having rewritten itself so it might combat his chemo. And they were pumping him with arsenic, too (it nearly poisoned me when I gave him blowjobs and swallowed). I found out recently that he died a few years ago. Shit, this got serious.
MJ: very serious. I asked if you broke anybody’s heart, not if you ever killed someone with a blowjob. Shit. Okay, back on track: baths or showers?
Showers, definitely. Baths are too sexually stimulating.
MJ: anal on first dates? why or why not?
First of all, I don’t date. I have sex with people and then decide if a relationship will work. Second, I’m sure I have had anal on the first date, I just don’t remember. It’s not a big deal to me. It’s just sex in a different position. Would I have sex with a dog on the first date? No. With a minor, no. Extreme physical torture, no.
MJ: I think anal on the first date may still be a taboo. I have to check with the kids. That’s why in the old days it was so hot. Nothing’s so extreme anymore. Back on track: rope play?
Never done it. No one I’ve known has been into it. And I dated an Eagle Scout (the one who peed in my mouth). If anyone could’ve tied knots it would’ve been him.
MJ: shower before or after sex?
After, and it’s usually with the other person. That’s the point, right?
MJ: You’re asking me the point? I don’t know the point of anything at all. All I can do is point out some of the absurdity and mock people I don’t like. After that I’m powerless. Thank you for sharing your darkest and most intimate secrets.
Read more from Lady Ristretto and the other 30+ participating authors:
Authors, if you have a book that you’d like to offer to thousands of readers, please join this Mega Smutpunk Event! What we will do is make a homepage with all the books on display. Readers can click and download your book for free. In return, you will get their email address so you can introduce yourself to them and gain a lifetime fan. It’s win-win for everybody!
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PROJECT HALCYON KERNEL
DISINFECTANT POOL #1Q CONSTRUCTION
CLASSIFIED CHEMICAL COMPOUNDS
DESIGNER: William Rock
TOXICITY LEVELS: Non-Deadly (UNVERIFIED)
VERIFICATION TO FOLLOW
COST: $1.2 Million
CODE NAME: Chicxulub’s breath
OBJECTIVE: Obliteration UFO landing site + perimeter
PURPOSE: Containment, Eradication
LOCATION: Top Secret (BL)
Officer Rick, Lefty, and Chloe all stare at this place. Nobody shows any fear, just a general ‘what the fuck is this’ lingers in the air. Doctor Rock is below, in a deeper level. Up here are only three military guys in uniform. One says, “Strip and get in!”
“Now?” says Officer Rick.
“Why?” says Officer Rick.
“Authorization to speak denied.” The soldier holds the policeman’s gaze a moment. Then the soldier adds, “For protection.”
“Yours. There is nothing harmful in the pool. When you are done, follow the sign for Disinfecting Pool #2. Leave your clothes in this room. Do not take them. We will be waiting there.” The three soldiers walk away.
“What the fuck?” says Lefty.
“What the fuck is right,” says Rick. “Well, I don’t think we have much of a choice, do we?”
Chloe takes her high heels off and dips a toe into the pool. “What the fuck happened to us back there? I feel like I’m dreaming.”
Lefty looks at her. “I’ve felt like I’ve been dreaming since the moment I saw you.”
“We are in some weird ass shit,” says Officer Rick.
“Yes, we are. That’s life, isn’t it? A series of weird ass shit all the time punching you in the gut.” Lefty squeezes Chloe’s waist then yanks his t-shirt off over his head. “Well, I’m going in. Join me, baby.” He slips off his jeans and boxers in one fluid motion and splashes into the bath.
Lefty sits down with a raging hard on sticking out of the water like a shark’s fin. “I guess it’s you, baby,” he says looking down at his erection. The water feels very smooth, even slick, on his skin. It smells strongly of bleach, but that smell masks something like rotten eggs. “Smells like bleach and eggs.”
Officer Rick scratches his head for a moment then says confidently, “That’s sulfur. It’s not harmful.”
Chloe peels off her blouse, revealing a massive rack held back from taking over the room by a simple-minded bra. She unclasps the bra hook and her breasts spring out: two sentinels of everything good in the world in this weird room with a smelly bath stinking of rotten eggs.
She takes her jeans off and splashes into the pool next to Lefty. Her smooth slit throbs. There is still some weird feeling inside of her, and the cum Lefty dumped on her face earlier was completely gone. Not even a slight remnant remained. Not so much as one crusty crystal.
Rick follows them in, leaving his police uniform hanging on a hook that is butterflied into the wall. Chloe looks at Rick. He, too, has a massive hard on. When he notices, Chloe sees his surprise. A confident smile comes over his face, “I haven’t been hard like since we had our second child. I was starting to think about going to the doctor.”
Lefty looks at the police officer’s hard rock. “No doctor needed, man.”
Rick puts out his hand to Lefty, “I’m Rick. Local police officer.”
“I’m Lefty. And this is Zamilda.”
“My name’s not Zamilda,” Chloe says as she steps into the pool and dips all but her head into it.
A buzzer sounds and the pool starts to drain very fast. The lights in the room go dim and the three get out and move through a well-lit hallway where there are three robes hanging. The put on the robes and then go into another room with a second pool. Men in suits emerge from behind them to grab the clothes they’d shed. The men in HAZMAT suits and gas masks hold flame-throwers and incinerate the discarded clothes. Lefty looks at Chloe out of the corner of his eye.
In the new room, there is no smell at all. It is like the three of them popped a vacuum seal to come in. They all climb into the new pool. Two hard cocks and a throbbing clit. They can no longer resist, and Lefty gives in. He puts his hand on his cock. It is hot and hard as ever in his hand. Rick glances at Lefty who gives him a look that makes Rick, thrilled with his new hard on, grab Chloe and push her over.
Rick caresses the smooth curves of Chloe’s princess-like ass. She’s the prettiest thing he’s seen in years and he feels lust coursing through him wildly. His belly is in knots, like he needs release. All the pent-up sexual frustration of not being able to get it up, of having kids and lacking time for lovemaking, and of having this gorgeous woman naked in front of him comes to a head and he pushes his hard-on into Chloe’s soft petals.
Rick’s body trembles as he can barely stand the excitement and sensation of hard cock in wet folds.
Lefty kisses Chloe deeply, just the sensation of her tongue against him almost makes him explode, but the sensation is gone as he finds her gorgeous head in his big, rough hands. An incredible feeling eclipses him as his cockhead is tickling the back of her throat for the second time in one day. He needs to know what her other holes are like. He is about to tell Rick to switch places with him and exchange this doll’s holes, but before he can, Rick pulls out of Chloe’s delicious flaps and shoots a load of jizz towards her ass. Before it lands on her, forming ropes of jizzy string, the cream stops in mid-air and becomes a kind of levitating jelly.
Doctor Rock watches all of this on the CCTV monitor from his secret room. His jaw almost hits the floor. He cannot believe his eyes, it is so absolutely incredible. His assistant, Maria Sower, also watches it in disbelief. She says, “It must be a gaseous compound, Doctor. It’s a deposition.”
Doctor Rock counters: “It’s liquid to solid. It’s like cum freezing into silicone. I don’t know what the fuck you call this.”
On the screen they watch Lefty still pumping his cock into Chloe’s mouth. Rick’s jizz has stopped in mid-air and jellied. Lefty notices the mid-air cum for the first time.
The room gets brighter, his heart starts racing, his eyes go wide, and he taps Chloe’s head. Lefty pulls his quivering cock out of her and the giant dick goes limp. She looks from his cock to his eyes and then turns around and sees the moving jelly. It metamorphoses in front of their eyes, taking shape: a lifelike dildo.
Chloe shrieks and her voice echoes out into a hallway. She jumps out of the pool and wraps her arms around herself. The dildo hovers above the pool. It doesn’t move.
Lefty and Rick get out of the pool, too, and lead her into the hallway where her scream still echoes about. Lefty keeps his eyes on the jelly, which is changing color and expanding. Then the door to the pool room closes. Lefty hears it hermetically seal off and they are locked out. This hallway leads to another elevator.
In the elevator, none of them says a word. Water drips off their bodies to the floor. The smell of rotten eggs stays with them. They just stare straight ahead. Lefty is trying to think of something, but he realizes he is trying to think. The memory of what he saw has his brain stuck in some kind of alien replay loop. Rick is visibly trembling. He clasps his hands but they still rattle. This is more than a God-fearing police officer can take in a day.
Lefty looks at Chloe, trying to understand. He has heard some strange stories about some weird women, but this is crazier. This is the craziest shit ever. Chloe’s upper lip trembles and she rubs her temple while biting her bottom lip with her two front teeth. “That’s not fucking normal! What the fuck?” She nearly yells, tears streaming down her eyes. “What the fuck was that?”