Every day in April this website will promote one author in support of the SMUTPUNK MEGA FREEBIE GIVEAWAY EVENT. Today’s author is the amazing Lady Ristretto, who recently did a guest post about Action Figure Erotica. Well, now you get to read some of it for free in the giveaway event. I’d like to share a little bit about the author, so you can get to know her a bit. Of course you can follow her on social media and the like, but here we will give an uncut, uncensored intimate look into some of her inner workings.
MJ: What do you wear when you write Action Figure Erotica?
MJ: Do you have action figures on the desk when you write (assuming you write on a desk)?
LR: tank top and pj pants. I write in the early morning or late at night. My pj pants have cats on unicorns battling dogs riding narwhals.
Alas, all of my action figures were lost in my divorce, but I do have a Kylo Ren bobble head who watches me write.
MJ: What’s your favorite color for men’s underwear?
LR: Favorite color of men’s underwear. I think my honest answer has to be “whatever”. I’m usually staring too much as the guy’s ass or package to notice his fashion. But when I’m at Target and see men’s underwear, I always like really crazy, tacky shit. Anything that looks mature and serious seems inappropriate.
MJ: Bacon or Sausage?
Bacon (I had a bacon action figure and, alas, it was consumed in the divorce). I heard somewhere that bacon is nature’s meat candy. Agreed.
MJ: Abs or ass? Redhead, Brunette, Blonde, or Bald? Bald, landing strip, or hairy bush?
Abs or ass? I had an abs discussion with my husband while we were watching soccer. Once Ronaldo showed off his perfect abs during a goal celebration. Like so perfect they looked like he used makeup to accentuate their Botoxed ridges. I found them not only hilarious, but evil. Great abs are a sign of a mind obsessed with self image to the point that it will over exercise a particular muscle group just to look stunning. I have no scientific evidence to support this and I’m completely irrational bordering on having a manic episode, but there it is. As for asses, not by default, but because it makes me think about having a woman on her hands and knees and eating her out from behind. Saw it once in a porno about a football player and a cheerleader. He had great abs. Life makes no sense.
Bald. Not because I like them prepubescent. It’s that hair reminds me of the early days of my period and I’d get blood knotted in my pubic hair. (You asked, but probably not for that much detail. Life is endlessly giving us what we don’t want and grossing us out.). Landing strips are just funny. I mean, it’s like a pussy has a Mohawk.
MJ: Pen Name or Real Name? Ever given a a golden shower?
Pen name, most definitely. I picked Ristretto because I have crazy amounts of barista experience and became a coffee snob. My most profound coffee experience was in a train station in Prague. I had a doppio ristretto and it was so strong, so powerful, I became a woman that day.
I added the title of “Lady” because of the “naughty aristocracy” schtick. Thought it made me sound sexier, more mysterious, hahaha
Bane was right.
Well, it’s complicated. I gave one during a sexting email conversation with a guy in Paris I had a semi-serious relationship with. Chatting was our entire relationship, and it was sometimes crazy, sometimes extreme. As in once we wrote a story about me being a cat and he getting off watching me use a litter box.
In real life, my first boyfriend peed in my mouth. Does that count?
MJ: have you ever broken anybody’s heart? why?
LR: Relentlessly. I’ll confess my worst, because this interview should be raw, right, and above all interesting. I had a boyfriend who was in remission from leukemia. It happened before we got together and it was a nasty, rare strain. He also had anger problems. He had severely hurt people for minor infractions. He threatened to kill me if I cheated on him. I believed him. I cheated on him twice. The second time I did it was while he was in the hospital after his leukemia reoccurred. I broke up with him not long after, when he transferred to a hospital out of state for more advanced treatment. The leukemia came back with incredible fierceness, having rewritten itself so it might combat his chemo. And they were pumping him with arsenic, too (it nearly poisoned me when I gave him blowjobs and swallowed). I found out recently that he died a few years ago. Shit, this got serious.
MJ: very serious. I asked if you broke anybody’s heart, not if you ever killed someone with a blowjob. Shit. Okay, back on track: baths or showers?
Showers, definitely. Baths are too sexually stimulating.
MJ: anal on first dates? why or why not?
First of all, I don’t date. I have sex with people and then decide if a relationship will work. Second, I’m sure I have had anal on the first date, I just don’t remember. It’s not a big deal to me. It’s just sex in a different position. Would I have sex with a dog on the first date? No. With a minor, no. Extreme physical torture, no.
MJ: I think anal on the first date may still be a taboo. I have to check with the kids. That’s why in the old days it was so hot. Nothing’s so extreme anymore. Back on track: rope play?
Never done it. No one I’ve known has been into it. And I dated an Eagle Scout (the one who peed in my mouth). If anyone could’ve tied knots it would’ve been him.
MJ: shower before or after sex?
After, and it’s usually with the other person. That’s the point, right?
MJ: You’re asking me the point? I don’t know the point of anything at all. All I can do is point out some of the absurdity and mock people I don’t like. After that I’m powerless. Thank you for sharing your darkest and most intimate secrets.
Read more from Lady Ristretto and the other 30+ participating authors: