Some people love Valentine’s Day but for others it is an enormous pain in the ass. In other cultures, the rules are a bit different than in the West. In Korea, where I lived for a decade, there’s White Day as well as Valentine’s Day. White Day is for giving gifts to the woman, Valentine’s Day is for the man. This doubles the marketing for the candy companies and greatly increases their revenue. It also makes things very cut and dry as far as what are the day’s expectations. On Valentine’s Day I wasn’t expected to do shit (just the way I like it). In the US, the day’s giving is more mutual and can put a lot of pressure on a guy worried about the mortgage, work, kids, and how to sneak another drink in before bed. Also, there’s essentially no equality in the US. THe man is prety much expected to shower the woman with gifts that make her feel special if you listen to mainstream mass marketing. Below you’ll find a few unique ideas of things you can do for the special day, and others like it.
Some Dumb History
St. Valentine is that little chubby faced punk with the arrow. The arrow contains love. Shit, if somebody followed me around shooting me in the ass, I wouldn’t think that’s love unless they were squirting me with fake, LSD-laced jism or some kind of flying butt plug. I guess the story of San Valentino was written in another time (actually it was approximately year 269), when people took kinder sharp obsidian arrows in the ass. Smutpunk says that the 2018 St. Valentine carries a big FUTA dick that spews copious amounts of cum. Smutpunk San Valentino is a little different. His sexuality is a bit more on the cusp, if you will. If he hits you, WAM, you’re covered! Excuse the pun. I couldn’t resist. See image for image of what I mean by covered. According to history, nobody knows San Valentine’s full name, so let’s call this new St. Valentine 2.0 “Valentino San Esperma”. So I wish all of you—especially the freaks, transgenders, and weirdos among us—a Happy San Valentino Esperma Day! Be sure to act accordingly, smutpunks.
So how can Valentino Esperma Day help you?
It’s a nice time to express yourself to your lover. Write her a song or a poem. Cook her dinner. Show her you care about her. Fuck roses and chocolate and wine. That stuff is well and good, but what’s the point if you don’t back it up with something with substance? The trick is to combine. After wine, she’ll love your poem. If you want to cook her a dinner, be sure to get some custard and heat that and get some in the tank of your squirting dildo. Come dinnertime, cover her in your love and custard. Feed her the steak while you squirt her with custard. Nothing says I love you baby like a squirting dildo of hot freshly-made custard. Nothing.
A few more ideas…
- Spank her. Make her butt red with a your hand print or a paddle.
- Film her twerking / dancing sexy
- Dress her in a collar and an imperial trooper mask and lead her around the room on all fours.
- Give her a big heavy coat and sheer lingerie and go for a walk around the town. Corollary: find some garages to fuck her right there in public.
- Give an oral sex coupon to her for 1 hour of free service at a convenient time of her discretion. These coupons go well inside boxes of chocolate or cards or attached to the neck of a wine bottle.
Experiment by mixing and matching and adding to this very rudimentary list. This isn’t supposed to be an exhaustive list of ideas, but rather a starting point to help you find the spirit (yes, the Old English OED meaning of spirit meaning “cum” not “ghost”) of the holiday known as San Valentino de Esperma.
**please note that although I say her, feel free to do ANY and ALL of this stuff to him, obviously.
I’m just using one pronoun to make the writing faster.
If you don’t feel like penning your own poem, hire me to write one. Also, got an ex that you’d like to fuck with?**
Hire me to write a hate poem and send it anonymously. The ex will never know you put me up to it.
Links to Each Week’s
See the Slut List for Other Hot Ideas to Spice Up Your Love Life
**this is a bestseller!