Sex Tip #8: Brains are Sexy – How to be positively PHAB!


Sex Tip #8 – Big Brains are Sexy. In fact, they’re PHAB! 

Big, veiny, wet brains. Yum. There’s nothing hotter than a chick with a big, sexy brain. I’ll take brains over big tits, big ass, or anything. But not everybody is blessed with a big brain, so what can you do to make your brain smarter (yes, there are things).

Read, but don’t read shit. Read good stuff like literature, various news sources (most outside of the US if you want to avoid the propaganda machine), learn languages, learn music, master sports, cook, practice tantric sex, flirt, talk with people, and listen. The same way a hot ass chick with a big, thick ass that doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it does squats religiously at the gym you should be putting that brain to study. In 2016, being an idiot was en vogue but that shit has to stop. I mean it. Stop chuckling. We are on the verge of World War III with these fucks in power. Climate change could kill us all. Nuclear weapons can obliterate us at the turn of a key. MJ, do you always have to be so serious? Can’t we just chill? Sure we can chill, but me, I only want to chill with people who are smart and often find myself all alone. I know you big brained fuckers who love to drink, curse, and fuck are out there, but there are fewer and fewer of us. Today’s people can’t even tell real news from fake news. I mean, some moron bust into a pizza shop down the road demanding to see the children in the basement. The place has no basement, let alone no children in a Hillary Clinton Sex Sweat Shop Scheme. This fucker was armed (only in America! I tell you!) and even after being arrested and told the truth couldn’t process the thing. You know what I say: Bullshit is Truth, Truth Bullshit.” But this isn’t acceptable. Nothing sexy about that nut. But the thing is, although he’s extreme, people are unable to differentiate fact from fiction. They don’t grasp sarcasm, have no idea what metatext or context is, and don’t think critically. These are essential skills for a forward thinking world. So I’m sorry that I had to take a break from teaching you how to relax your throats and swallow cock because we are all getting throatfucked by governments worldwide and I think it’s time to say so. There’s plenty you can do but if you’re not learning anything at the moment, shame on you. You’re part of the problem. So be sexy. Put down the erotica and the crappy bestsellers and try something worthwhile: Think. It may be illegal soon.



Big Sex Phat Ass Brains are sexy. “Man, she’s just PHAB,” says a dude in the bar. “What are you gay?” his buddy says elbowing him in the rib. “I ain’t gay, he says. She’s PHAB, got a Phat Ass Brain!”


More Sex Tips

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What Sex Tip Would You Like to See MJ Cover Next?

Moctezuma Johnson, Ruler of Literary Porn and Weird Shit that Makes him Laugh

What Sex Tip Would You Like to See MJ Cover Next?

I thought it was about time to open this little weekly tip up to you guys on my blog. Feel free to name the kink(s) you would like me tackle like steroid-laced power hungry president-elect on an unwitting actress and I promise I will look into writing them for the next tip. Also, if you have any kinks that you would like to guest post about, let me know.

Thanks! I look forward to your answers and comments. I think when I interact with you my writing really takes off. One of you awesome depraved fuckers suggested I write about bagpiping and that worked out pretty well, huh?

Sex Tips – Essential advice for the bedroom!


The Sex Manual – Read this brand new book for sex tips that will give you a virtual flamethrower in the bedroom



Read the Sex Manual right now



The Sex Manual – Read this book of sex tips to get yourself a flamethrower in the bedroom

Why are you rubbing two sticks together in the bedroom? Get a flamethrower!

Ever wished your partner came with a small pamphlet on how to operate correctly? Well, now you have it. Moctezuma spent nearly a decade running a bar, writing erotica, and blogging. He gathered a lot of information. So you want to have mind-blowing sex but all you know is what your priest and Cosmo told you? You poor thing. Well, fret no more. Let Moctezuma Johnson share his research in this in-depth, self-help book. He has found out what’s plaguing most bedroom partners. It’s simply intimidation and insecurity. So many fans have asked him how to be better, sexier, and more experienced. Moctezuma speaks openly and honestly offering a series of very practical solutions for men and women. This non-fiction, how-to book is told with humor (a necessity for the bedroom) and compassion.

Whether male or female or transgender, The Sex Manual is the book you wish came with every person you’ve dated. Well, wish no more. It’s out, so add it to your kindle. Just the fact that you’re reading this description is proof that you’re ready to improve and you’re almost halfway there. This book will take you the rest of the way. It’s filled with ideas, game plans, tips, and list of clothing, toys, and poems to spice up your sex life.

Independent Body Asserts Electoral College More Dangerous To Democracy than Russian Hacking


Independent Body Asserts

Electoral College More Dangerous

To Democracy than Russian Hacking


russia-hacking-groupWashington D.C. 2016 — Republicans are grappling with the fact that their surprise victory giving them full control of the Unpresidented States of America was due in large part due to their new Lord and Master Vladimir Putin. However, those headlines have quickly been eclipsed by a more startling and sinister plot: the Electoral College. In a corresponding move by an independent committee, the CIA, the FBI, and the DMV, it has been concluded beyond reasonable doubt (even to those nutbags crazy enough to deny climate change) that the Electoral College in fact is 100% incongruous with democracy as it allows government leaders to ignore the will of the people as seen by the candidate winning the popular vote not becoming president and the Electoral Delegates of  Arizona voting vowing to vote for Trump amid mass outcry not to “be so crazy.” The independent council found that, in fact, the Electoral College helps only rich, white, male slave-owning land owners control the masses.

Also, progressive lawmakers in New York State have already dumped the “Electoral College” in favor of a name more appropriate to the education level of the masses: The Electoral G.E.D. When Mayor of NYC Bill DeBlingBlingio was asked why he said eloquently, “We want each citizen to feel include no matter how illiterate, confused, tired, ass-backwards, or Mexican.” The President-elects Trump was also posed the same question to which he said articulately while pointing his tiny fingers, “Journalist are scum. My G.E.D. accomplished unpresidented yugeness! I’m precedent of the World.”


by Moctezuma Johnson

Read 8 Reasons Why Moctezuma Johnson Should Be Awarded the Electoral College Vote



Sex Tips: This Week’s Topic is Sexual Bagpiping | Sex Tip #7


Sex Tips help you maintain a healthy and happy life

I give you the tips Cosmo and your Priest are too timid to reveal

This may be new to a lot of people, it once was to me, but then I watched a lot of Japanese goo porn which opened up some new avenues for me. The wonderful thing with lotion play, or goo, as I like to call it, is that it changes the friction levels of our bodies in such a way that just about every part of the body becomes penetrable. So you once laughed at nasal sex, aural sex, elbow crook sex, back of the knee sex, and armpit sex? Well laugh no more! Because bagpiping is here and it’s en vogue, perverts. Why is sticking cock into an armpit called bagpiping? Bagpiping is named after the fact you use one arm to squeeze the “bladder” of the bagpipes. When a cock is nestled between arm and tit, she will use the same squeezing action to pleasure the penis. In fact, this is more pleasurable than tit-fucking, especially if the chick has small tits that are more perky than porn-star sized. There are a few ways to increase the pleasure: oil and smushing cockhead against tits. The cock will come toward the meaty side boob and this is a nice feeling against the sensitive head of the cock, so make sure the cockhead gets acquainted with the side boob and spray on oil liberally. Don’t be shy, lube up the shoulder, armpit, side-boob, cockhead, and more. The more everybody is slipping and sliding the happier the cock will be.

FUN FACT – The inside part of the elbow is really called the “weinis.” Try not to chuckle.

Previous Sex Tips: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

See some examples of women bagpiping:

8 armpit_cumshot-4_tmb girl-girl-boy bagpiping_sex_02 bagpiping_sex_03 c2ddd78958d7237dc92648a13a895a68-14 lyyousa milf_gets_her_armpit_fucked-4_tmb tumblr_mk55f7ptsq1s2a9pvo1_250

Call me MJ!


Call me MJ! Yes.

So you’ve decided you’d like a Free Book by Moctezuma Johnson. Wonderful news! A free book will be snug in your kindle in a moment, but first let me introduce myself and my fully-functioning website to you.

I wish it was 1970 and I was an awesome artist who could make my own pulp covers in pencil art and then whip up awesome, imaginative stories and have them placed alongside stories by writers of equally talented minds in a gorgeous little pulpy journal that people actually looked forward to, read, and shared. But it’s 2016 and what today’s small-time writers have inherited is email lists, Facebook, and Twitter. Many readers are writers themselves and everyone is shooting for your attention like a Korean hooker on an old Itaewon alleyway where all the bars compete in 500 kilowatts of neon power, buzzing. So what do I do to get your attention? to make you like me? to convince you that you can trust me and buy my books from me (or on Amazon and the others) and not disappoint you. Well, first I write books with plot. My books aren’t great or anything. You’re not going to get The Sun Also Rises or Haroun and the Sea of Stories from smutpunk, but you will get an imaginative tale with a few surprises, gooey love like a splatterspunk writer obsessed with his trope, and maybe even a few commas jammed in the right place. I hope that’s enough to keep you coming back for more. If it isn’t, thanks for making it this far. Take this “I’ve been SMUTPUNK’d” pin on your way out. My Personal Assistant Punk E. Schmooster will put in on your lapel, if you wish.amazing-stories-pulp-magazine-sci-fi

Anyways, those old Sci-fi pulp journals like Amazing Stories had these perforated order slips in them. You could subscribe to those awesome mags or order a few books easily. The audience kept the writers coming up with more and more awesome work. The authors didn’t have to encode a Super Url keyword train to get a few reads. In the old days, you just checked the box of what you wanted to read and then pulled it out and sent it in. Nowadays you can’t do that. You can’t pull out, well, you can but it involves lots of willpower, some squirming, and doesn’t get you some books in a few weeks. So how can I get you to subscribe so we can get in a dialogue? This is my version of that perforated pull-out order card insert.

You will get your Free Book just below, but first tick the box of what you’d most like to read so I can update this page with the book you want most.

Which MJ book would you most like to read?

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Lesbian Rimming Slant from the Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade Story

In the original scene, you were a dude licking ass but then it occurred to me thanks to the popular searches for “lesbian rimming” and “lesbian gunge play” that land you wonderful folk onto my page daily that I owed it to you fans to alter the gender.

Lesbian Rimming: Get up in there and bury your nose in her ass and inhale

You’ve have arrived at this wonderful, weird little Choose Your Own Kink story having already chosen Option A (<<Go Back)

It’s such a gorgeous ass that you just get up in there. You love licking ass. Your not one of these anal (phrasing!) types who minds getting dirty. You’ll get up in there tongue first and enter ass. You have loved licking ass for many years. The first time was drunk and the girl looked good and you just dove in and ever since you love it. It’s not quite a fetish but it turns you on. It makes your stomach churn, in a good way. It makes the hairs on your neck stand up. It makes your pores open, your heart beat faster, and your palms sweat when your tongue touches anus and presses forward. You hold each ass cheek in each hand and the chocolatey butty cheeks press against your face cheeks. Your nose is buried up her crack and you like it. You want to take a nap while up her asshole. You’ve napped during sex before so there’s no judgement here. It’s just comfy. Your spine is in a really natural position and her anus is opening like a flower blooming. She’s opening up to you, to your tongue, to your fetish. Well, not fetish but near-fetish. Nobody would call you an ass-licker but here you are face down in an ass licking it while the girl attached to the ass is face down having her ass licked. By you. I’m not sure what else to call you. Look at you! You’re dripping wet and you’re not even fingering yourself. Your juices are busting past your panties like a levee broke. Your hard nipples are trembling with desire. You stop licking G-strung’s ass and inhale! Deeply. It smells divine.

You have another choice to make. Now you can…

  1. …Fuck her ass

  2. …Jizz on the anus then lick it off and leave

  3. …have her shit on you! or fake shit on you!


If you love funny porno erotica and lesbian rimming then you will love Moctezuma Johnson’s writing. See all of his works listed at the SMUTPUNK BIBLIOGRAPHY.


A lesbian rimming and gunge section of the Choose your own Kink SEXcapade

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SEX TIP #6 – Role Play


SEX TIP No. 6 – Role Play

I’m the King of Spain and you’re a captured Moor wife thrown into my harem!

elly-tran-ha-in-korean-sexy-bikiniDon’t just get on top of each other and pump. Give a little historical context to the thing. Maybe you’re the professor and she’s the slutty student. Maybe she’s the Queen of England and you’re an attendant. Maybe you’re a beast and she’s your weak, defenseless prey. Maybe you’re the priest giving her a naughty, nasty, masturbatory penance. Spice it up by playing some roles. It’s XXXmas time so a naughty girl and good santa or vice versa can work, as well as some elf-punks getting jiggy on the rooftops. You really can’t go wrong with a little roleplay. Something about leaving your own constrictions has enormous, exponential freedom attached to it. I highly recommend you pretend to be me and have the time of your life. Oh yeah. Have yourself a SMUTPUNK spree. Read the books and apply reenactments liberally.

Next Tip: I have no idea (see previous)

Previous Sex Tip: Homemade Porn – Sex Tip No. 5 – Camera Placement for Home Porn


Roleplay / Cosplay Image Gallery featuring smoking hot chicks:


See More of the Cosplay Gallery