I have been lucky enough to meet some incredible people through this blog and my writing career. Today, we get a special treat. We get to look into the depraved, highly-intellectual mind of my new friend Lady Ristretto. Without further ado, I give the floor to the Mistress of Kool Kink . . .
Action Figure Erotica: how adults play with their toys
Once upon a time, it all began with Robot Chicken (RC). I was in grad school working on a Phd in theater when I saw my first episode of RC.
It was dazzling, elegant, simple. Fifteen minute episodes comprised of seconds-long sketches using a variety of toys and action figures from the eighties. The writing was tight, funny, and smart.
RC is to comedy as Action Figure Erotica (AFE) is to sex.
But AFE aspires to be more than RC. Or, perhaps, it aspires to be as smart and sharp as RC is at its best.
Of course, this genre is merely the red-headed stepchild of historical fiction. Our culture certainly has a boner for historical accuracy and museum quality fiction. Gary Oldman just won an Oscar for his nuanced portrayal of Winston Churchill. Daniel Day Lewis also portrayed Lincoln, Philip Seymour Hoffman was Capote, and Judi Dench as Queen Victoria. These are only a few. Audiences jizz over watching these difficult, nuanced, highly quaffed performances. It’s as if the real people are resurrected and we’re watching a reality show with extreme pageantry, and we all gain cultural capital.
I reject Museum Quality and Historical Accuracy. I don’t believe that Accuracy can be attained. History is a story written by an academic using facts and artifacts to interpret an event in time. Even AFE is History. It isn’t good history, but it does follow the strict definition of history. And it has a lot of sex in it, even when it seems gratuitous and used as structurally as punctuation marks.
I have too much education and it has influenced what AFE stories I tell. I’m attracted to the brainy intellectuals, those figures who have been made into action figures because of their scientific or literary work. I love mythological figures as well, for they are at the heart of much cultural history, and can be as influential as real people.
Who wouldn’t want to read a sex scene between the multi-armed Hindu goddess Kali and President Abraham Lincoln. Or Marie Curie and Medusa?
So what is AFE exactly? Are there rules? These are my guidelines:
The main characters must have been made into action figures. It doesn’t matter if the subject is a real or fictional person. I wrote a story about Bernie Sanders and Anne Frank. Yes, Anne Frank has an action figure. I have more flexibility for supporting characters, to make the stories more interesting and my life easier.
The definition of what constitutes an “action figure” is pretty loose. Sometimes to make things easy on myself, I’ll go so far to include bobble heads. Generally, anything that is a small representation of a person counts.
No particular genre is required other than erotica. There has to be fucking. Any kind of fucking. It doesn’t have to be extreme, strange, or vanilla. Of course, interesting scenarios do present themselves. For example, what are Medusa’s snakes capable of doing sexually to a woman? Or a man?
Avoid copyright wars. I usually have no problem stealing images and writing plays that are collages of copyrighted texts; I get on my high horse and scream that I’m stealing in the name of art. But when it comes to using copyrighted characters in a text through which I might make money (there’s no money in theater), I don’t make my life potentially miserable. I force myself to creative. For example, Marie Curie saves the Titanic with the help of Kent Calhoun, a flying alien with superhuman strength, and his billionaire friend Brewster Wainwright, a brooding genius that has built a mechanical suit for himself that makes him look like a bat. You can still have your way and it does make it more fun for the audience to be in on a subtle joke.
Don’t worry about timelines or justifying why youthful Albert Einstein, Rosie the Riveter, and Victor Frankenstein are living in the same era. Time isn’t the point.
Because of its inspiration to RC, don’t assume that AFE must be funny. The scenarios sound absurd, but the stories needn’t be. My Marie Curie has PTSD from an abusive marriage and is an alcoholic. With the help of Bernie Sanders, Anne Frank works through the trauma she endured in Auschwitz. And Abraham Lincoln is suffering from shell shock and taking a siesta in the desert, working himself back up to returning to the civil war. There are also fun elements—such as a brothel of (My Little) Ponies run by a cyclops. I mix up the drama and absurdity; that’s what I learned from watching M.A.S.H. through my childhood. That’s what life really is: horror and clowns. Clowns who make us laugh and then hit us in the face with a hatchet. (But you needn’t be so extreme.)
Above all, I believe in fun. The fun doesn’t have to be pie-in-the-face, but not every treatment of history must look like it emerged from the British Museum. That’s what action figures are: they are toys of some of the greatest minds we’ve ever known (imagine the great minds that haven’t been documented by history) designed for us to play. The toys are fixed in scenes as characters in movies. They are autonomous and designed to be put in new stories with new people, inviting us to be creative and playful.
That’s the most important thing: AFE must be playful, creative, and sexual. Shouldn’t that be something we all be in our own lives?
Steak & BJ Day posts!
Jane’s Steak & BJ Night Surprise – https://www.moctezumajohnson.com/smutpunk/2015/03/16/janes-steak-blowjob-night-surprise/
Cook, Kneel, Eat – https://www.moctezumajohnson.com/smutpunk/2015/03/13/cook-kneel-eat-suck-its-steak-bj-day/
Manwhore – https://www.moctezumajohnson.com/smutpunk/2017/03/14/steak-and-bj-day-a-short-short-story/
What to do on holidays – https://www.moctezumajohnson.com/smutpunk/2018/02/14/sex-tip-19-what-to-do-on-valentines-day-and-other-holidays-by-mjkingoferotica-lprtg-smutstreet-erotica/
Admiral Yi of South Korea says to read the Steak and BJ Bundle by MJ – https://www.moctezumajohnson.com/smutpunk/2016/03/14/admiral-yi/
Happy Pi Day – https://www.moctezumajohnson.com/smutpunk/2015/03/13/happy-pi-day-3-14-15-happy-pie-day/
The Steak BJ Bundle – http://geni.us/SteakBundle
I’m looking for reviewers for my new piece. It’s what I call an episode out of the Triangulum Stain universe where the Five Hive goes back to 1975 to rectify a huge problem thanks to a Nuclear Meltdown just outside of Pyeongyang.Reviewers Sign Up
Can you suck dick like this?
Authors, if you have a book that you’d like to offer to thousands of readers, please join this Mega Smutpunk Event! What we will do is make a homepage with all the books on display. Readers can click and download your book for free. In return, you will get their email address so you can introduce yourself to them and gain a lifetime fan. It’s win-win for everybody!
Smutpunk is looking for the best books in any genre that features a bit of erotica for our upcoming “Honeypot” InstaFreebie Event.