Bullpen Bulletin No. 9 (no. 9, no. 9, do you hear the Beatles? You should!)
Where erotic smutpunk lands on your tongue
Let’s start with Zak Hardacre
He has fallen on some hard times on FB. These hard times have really opened him up good for a rough eReaming. He’s now all gaped and sore. Luckily, the poor fecker has “hired” a sexy PA by the name of Darcy Dickens to help him post his stuff and keep getting the word out. I say “hired” but really he lured her with his big grammar and long sentence stamina. She’s been kind enough to post some of my work as well, since I’m a big fan of Zak and his sexbomb PA. They seem to like me a bit, too, so I’m including this dude in the bullpen bulletin. His exposure sucks.
Anyways, FB incarceration and trolls are pretty common. Shit, Dr. S. Punk got shut down but Trump (Troll #1) is still up and running. I won’t get into the hypocrisy of social media in depth, but basic point is it sucks the dicks of anyone famous and shits in the eyes of regular people. Yet, we window lickers keep using wiping the shit away and post one more time cause this time it will be different. It won’t. It will always suck. I digress.
Zak and I have had some pretty good chats so I wanted to share one with you. I asked Mr. Hardacre, social media user extraordinaire, a few questions and these are the super private answers [I’m in purple, Zak’s in orange (yes, themed for his incarceration, good catch!)].
So, Guinness or Kilkenny?
Somersby or Magners?
Whisky or Rum?
And finally, White, Black, or Asian.
And there you have it. Everything you need to know about this dude. Now be sure to read Male Escort Book 1 “Innocence”
Next is a word about Ashley Shades
I have some little known info about the Contemporary Romance and Erotica writer whom I call Miss Hades. Here are 5 Secrets that Miss Shades shared with me out of her own mouth:
- I rarely ever watch porn, but if I do I hate straight porn
- I hate my own writing. I’m not really that good, even though I love writing anyway.
- When I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer who fought for the rights and equal treatment of the underpriviledged.
- I was a cheerleader for many years and dream of becoming a choreographer one day
- I haven’t even tried half of the things I write about in my stories.
- I wear pants a lot, or long skirts (even in 100-degree summer heat) because I hate my legs.
- I have a two books that need to be edited, and four more that I am writing.
The Sex Manual
Just in case you haven’t seen it yet, the Sex Manual is out and selling pretty steadily. I don’t think my rude and crude mouth will ever have a bestseller but I do currently have a handful of books all selling so I’m thankful for my guerilla warrior sense of success. Thank you for all the dirty fuckers who bought it. And super-rockstar-thank-yous to all the naughty folks who reviewed it! I’m utterly grateful. If you are interested in a little excerpt of the humorous yet useful fun that readers find in this book of sex tips please click How To Suck Dick for a spurt of online pre-cum taste.
When not begging people to read and review the Sex Manual, I have been trying to get people who liked my old locked page to like my new active page. I’m holding a MJ69 (the currentl me on FB) takes over the Old MJ Event. Come see what mayhem we are up to. Thanks.
The Viking’s Conquest
Felicity Brandon is tearing up the charts with her top 5 Bestseller hit The Viking’s Conquest. Give it a read and review! At the time of writing this it’s the #1 Viking Book in the US and Canada. Pretty astounding! She just had to make the bullpen bulletin.
Please like the Shelby Kent-Stewart Author Page:
If all your fantasies came true, would it be a blessing or a curse?
Hey, Queen Kegel, Excelsior! Let’s start putting EROTIC PULP of Heroes and Villians! into all our eBooks (natch!) and each bullpen bulletin.
Literary Porn Club, baby! SMUTPUNK for years, big ears! SAN ESPERMA cockslapping fools left and right for Candy Cane–SMOOCH right in your face!–Kegel (Highlight For Your Surprise) and the SUPERhung superHUNK SPaCe GlaDIatorS led by CockSlappicus
Err, I’ve been working on a Deji’i Order with main sidekick Obi-2-Kenobi and his young Wadapan Kenhe Starcrawler that I hope sees the light of day and doesn’t die in “My Drive” on Google Docs. I also have some Dino Porn and Episode Five of Chronicles almost done but it’s the season where my day job makes me a bit nuts for 6-8 weeks so it all may come to a giant jack rabbit of jackshit. Please encourage me to finish before my job finishes me. Pep talks and donations are always welcome. Reviews don’t hurt, eh, either. The best way to keep the smutpunk motor running is by writing reviews. That’s right, reviews. Thanks, subjects of CockSlappicus. ‘Nuff said, your Lord San Esperma.
This UFO Chronicler Excerpt is a clipping from the beginning of the book Triangulum Stain 2 – Alien Relish. It sets the stage for what the book is going to be. TriStain 1 had lots of print outs from an old diode computer set up in the bowels of the Secret Government Facility known as Cunter Labs. TriStain 2 has a few clippings because it has to cover billions of years. Let me include a clipping or two to make it happen. It’s the story of creation and extinction told from the sexual perspective. Enough blab, let’s get to the story…
Clipping from the UFO Chronicler (THE UFOCHRO – /yoo-FOW-krow/)
by Dean Dibblewitz (more about him later)
On the Alien Planet M69, circa 3,717,879,873 light years before (give our take a few million years)
The planet was like the surface of the moon, all craggly and nooks and crannies. They say the moon was once filled with a yogurt and Planet M69 in the Pinwheel Formation was definitely one of those types with some kind of viscous white and clear cream running through the tunnels, formations, and falls. Imagine a cum river, a cum waterfall, a cum lake. That’s what you have. There were no humans on M69, aka Alien Relish, all the life forms were in this liquid, oozing from craters, hissing down cumfalls, cascading down ravines. It was a bizarre site and one that Doc Rock and company had been studying. It was, of course, free of humans but certainly not free of life. It was life. It was life incarnate. The spring.
The cummy planet was a DNA garden. It was the source from which life spurted. Scientists and Philosophers on Earth complained that English had no good work for this concept, the idea of going from nothing to something. Creation. Spring. Spew. Spurt. Jizz. Splooge. Start. Call it what you may it was the essential element in the universe, the moment when nothing becomes something. Some think the world is death filled by life. Some think the world is life interrupted by death. Either which way, there were two states: alive and dead. The movement between them emerged from this Alien Relish. The relish was programmed to procreate. It flew through the universe, what the scientists call panspermia. The whole mantra is to procreate. It hopped rides on comets, stuck to rings of planets, kissed little particles of ice, got sucked into black holes, and in this case jumped inside the cockpit of the Martian Mindwalker, the latest capsule sent from Earth to discover if there was life on Mars. Somehow the Martian Mindwalker wandered way off course into the Pinwheel Formation and the spores of M69, the Alien Relish itself, had hijacked a ride to Earth. Nobody who knew knew.
This chemical agent from M69 hitching a ride to Earth led to a massive sentient Alien Dildo Invasion that was secretly thwarted by a secret group of women tasked with protecting life here on Earth. They are spooks. If you say their name you will disappear. If you look at them in the shadows they will vanish. If you see one on the television your memory will be erased. If you read about them in a book you will orgasm and forget they ever existed. BUT THEY ARE HERE, among us. THEY ARE THE FUCK FORCE FIVE.
And I will uncover them for you.
But what I have uncovered is terrible news. Our pleasure center is drying up. The pools of sexual desire are far from infinite. They are almost all gone.
One last thing, and perhaps the scariest. Until Replicating Dildo Day (RDD – See TriStain1 if you need more info), there was a word in our minds that we knew for the concept I mentioned above. The word was the verb that meant to become something from nothing. Something like to jizz, to spring, to become, but the exact right word. That word was removed from our minds at the same time that the cummy planet and all that lifeforce dried up.
The UFO Chronicler (aka U-Fo-Krow) was a little independent paper. They tracked Alien Life on Earth and abroad. They stumbled on quite a few facts and Dean Dibblewitz was their lead investigative journalist. He was wildly unknown but extremely famous. He monitored those who monitored others and was thus monitored himself. He was that little tingle in the back of your neck that lets you know something is out there. He was deja vu.
The Fuck Force Five was located in the Brooklyn Armory. They were underground in an office that was decorated with the old streamlined white furniture of the air terminal at JFK circa 1960.*
Dean Dibblewitz – Aka DD – Alien. Writer at UFO Chronicler. Photographic memory specialized in human history, immortal. If he doesn’t dibble himself, he forgets his entire memory. The moment he gets fucked and ejaculates the whole of human history rushes back to him. This can be very useful. This can also lead to a quick fuck necessary at the most inopportune moments. DD used a poster of Tabitha from Fuck Force Five (secret identity: Destiny Girl) hung on his ceiling to help him manage his memory. Why was Tabitha on a poster? Cause her secret identity was Destiny’s Girl from the mega-platinum super-band Destiny’s Pussydolls.
PRE-ORDER Triangulum Stain 2 for FREE – Only a few days left!
*one reader pointed out that JFK wasn’t called that until 1963, which is true. Before that we called it Idlewild but it was really called New York International Some Shit. It looked something like this:
Tabitha from The Five Hive (a character in the erotic science fiction series Triangulum Stain)
Tabitha is the blonde FFF. Her specialty is rope. She wears a sheer cat suit with pasties on her nipples. She wears latex pants and carries a rope lassoed on her hip brace. Her lips are full and seductive. Her secret identity may or may not be Destiny’s Pussycat herself Betwice Knowles. All of this is known by Dean Diddlewitz of the UFO Chronicler, but he has this thing where without orgasm he forgets everything he knows. Make sure that Dean gets his sexual medicine by reading.
Tabitha has been to Planet M69 in the Pinwheel Formation (aka Alien Relish).
Excuse me. Please step into our secure debriefing facility for a moment…
Meet another member of the Fuck Force Five from this erotic science fiction story: