Bullshit Bulletin for SMUTPUNKs – Bulletin No. 10
Callie Press is back with a vengeance! She’s written like 45 books in the last hour and started blogging and making movies and doing all kinds of awesome stuff. Awesome. She’s on youtube (links and embedded video below) doing incredible work when not writing amazing stuff at her Queen of Smutpunk blog. She’s been writing these very useful posts for self-published authors covering grammatical points, how to use editors and beta readers correctly, and more.
I’m also back but with less vengeance than Callie. My day job takes over my life every November and December, and now I’m kind of returning to normal. I have a few books in the pipeline, including Chronicles of a Humiliation Season Two (yippee ki yay ki yo), Dino-sore, and something about the Deji’i Order tentatively titled STAR WHORES (say that in your head in the voice of James Earl Jones, of course).
I need your help
I need you to press this link (while signed in to your twitter) and invite your people to join the LPRTG mailing list
Press this link to invite your followers to join the LPRTG fun! There are Freebies from SMUTPUNKs and shit, there are sex tips, there are poems, there are photos, and there may be some finance and hairstyling tips. So give us your email in exchange for Literary PULP Raw Talented Groupie fun! In case you didn’t catch it the LPRTG abbreviation is staying but the Literary Porn tag has been updated. Maybe it will mutate again one day. SMUTPUNK doesn’t rest on its laurels [[tkttkt fact check]]. It rather suck a futa dick.
MJ’s next book should be a good one
Chronicles 5! It’s being written right now, finally. I know. I rested on my laurels because I’m a dumb shit. I would apologize but it’s like telling you to be taller or something. Dumb shit is just my way. Resting is another thing I like to do, especially after head.
Smutpunk on Skates
Emme’s series has gotten a makeover and a bundle. The bundle is called SMUTPUNK on SKATES (you can see the cover in the header up top). Check out all the NEW PULPY COVERS right fucking here.
Also check out the NEW SMUTPUNK ON SKATES VIDEO PROMO. This is must-see BoobTube.Cum TV.
Quick-Fire Interviews with HL37 (a recent smutpunk addition) and Patrick Khayler.
Click their names with the superheroes to see what they said.
You need a Callie Press Joint, they knock the SMUTPUNK loose from your eyelashes.
Join her by subscribing and watching her playlist or watch one here:
A Moctezuma Johnson Movie:
Follow MJ’s movies by following Miss Punk E. Schmooster (as he was banned from youtube and uploading movies years ago). If you want to find his channels you’re going to have get him on xvideos. However, for now follow Punk E. instead. She’s the head PA (right, a PA who gives head to all of us — male and female and everything in between) promoting the S.PUNK.
Have you gotten your introduction letter from MJ?
What’s your SMUTPUNK name?
If you don’t know GET ONE ASAP.
What is SMUTPUNK?
If you’re an indie writer these are posts that you NEED to read. Callie’s releasing a new one every Sunday and the indie-writer community is incredibly grateful. She makes us all better.
Final thoughts and mailing list info
What you’re not on the most exciting mailing list of 2017! It’s got sex tips, games, freebies, giveaways, contests, and one-on-one banter with the King of SMUTPUNK. What more could you ask for from a mailing list? No really? You have more? Then let me know, but by all means, get your ass stuffed by my throbbing and vibrant outbox.
Got something important to add?
Let me know.
I’m always around. Email, comment, tweet, or stop me on the street (grabbing me by the balls is the best way to get my wandering attention).
‘Nuff said, said San Esperma di Desgracia
Erotic Science Fiction Smutpunk – Triagulum Stain Sci-Fi Series
Links to Hot Contemporary Romance Erotica and SMUTPUNK found below. Scroll down, please, and enjoy the images along the way.
Links to Contemporary Romance and SMUTPUNK books by Title/Author
If you’d like to see your book listed with Moctezuma Johnson or smutpunk.me, please comment below or send me an email. Cheers!
Do we really need another literary category subcategory? Why not, smutpunkists?
by Moctezuma Johnson
There are so many literary ‘punks’ these days that it just seems like a buzzword to use in the new age of selling books via keywords. In today’s marketplace it sure seems like it’s better to dominate some esoteric category like LGBT >> Short reads (29-31 Minutes) >> Shifter >> Sci-Fi >> Medieval History than actually write an amazing book. That means that today’s titles are often clogged up with keywords. Imagine the Classics: Lolita (Old Man Young Vixen Daddy Age Play Series) or Hamlet (DubCon Paranormal 15th Century Murder/Suicide Crime Thriller Mystery Royalty & Aristocrats), or even Star Wars (Metaphysical and Visionary Galactic Empire Space Marine Clones Incenstuous Paranormal Space Soap Opera Dystopian Sci-Fi Series). So everybody is trying to get on the algorithms’s good sides with creative keyword use, and you now have categories upon categories with subcategories inside categories. Frankly, it has become a mess. If you like muck, then you’re in heaven searching for a book on amazon. If you don’t, you type in your favorite keywords and you’re on with it. So now you have steampunk, cyberpunk, splatterpunk, and a bunch of punks to help you sort through the mess and find something cool and unique that you like. Well, add smutpunk to the list. Smutpunk, really? That’s right SMUT + PUNK = AWESOME SAUCE. Although you may think that the term sounds awful, the new(ish) term strangely applies to work that isn’t bad at all. It’s erotica with plot that mixes forms from such varied sources such as magic realism, science fiction, and Asian kung fu movies. In the same way most other punks use some common thing to glue them together, smutpunk uses the most basic protein of all, sperm, to create its own panspermia universe, mixing pop-culture, erotica, the Cthulhu mythos, Far East legends, and Non-Western spirituality with Science Fiction, Pulp, and Silver-Age-Comic era elements into a head spinning, ball-busting, funny good time.
Did you say funny?
That’s right, I can’t believe how serious people are writing about dick in hole. I mean, seriously, I see books dropping name brands left and right, books whose authors abhor the comma, and books who take seducing a step-sister very seriously. It’s just wank material, folks! It’s all a bit of fun. That’s why throwing in an Asian Superstar Lawyer who is also a FUTA that has corrupted the medical profession into giving patients purple pills that transform them into sexy superbeings is all cool. Everybody wants to get off, get entertained, and have a laugh here and there.
So smutpunk was formulated by Emme Hor, Moctezuma Johnson, and Callie Press. They make erotica stand up on its own even if you remove the sex (which these writers admit they sometimes forget to provide) because the plots have other equally important elements. In Halloween 2015 Callie Press’s Butterface was highly-lauded, and Moctezuma Johnson’s Battle for Alien Relish has recently been featured as a kind of B-movie classic on WTF Friday. Smutpunk is just beginning and has only scratched the surface of the its full potential like a Sith lord using the dark side of teh force for tripping her a bully in the cafeteria and then giggling. Get on the slippery smutpunk soaked bandwagon and have a taste. Type smutpunk into Amazon or Google and see what new worlds you get.
Get the vocabulary you deserve with the SMUTPUNK Dictionary
Scribes! Where have my scribes gone? Are they having a futa orgy again. A hyperfuta orgy. I need the scribes to organize and alphabetize this, please. Tell him as soon as he finishes eating his “soup,” thanks.
Bagpiping – Using a chick’s armpit as a way to pleasure cock. She has to push down from the elbow in the same manner as pressing the bladder when playing the bagpipes. The more sweaty the sex the better, as the sweat is like lube. This is a great plan D if the a chick’s primary holes are in use. (learn more)
Black Swan – A term used to express an unlikely event that you may want to prepare for just in case it does occur. Example: Before the human race archived the black swan, people thought there was no such thing as a black swan. Most people incorrectly believed black swans were as real as unicorns. Now we know they do, in fact, exist. Stock market crashes, cataclysmic events, and things getting lodged up your ass and needing emergency room assistance may all classify as black swan events.
Bukkake - when a submissive woman is lucky enough to be worshiped by the splooge of many men. In ancient times she often committed suicide after all the men present jizzed on her to save her family shame. Now bukkakes are often accompanied by the transfer of large sums of money. Whether or not our very own Emme Hor has participated in one can be neither confirmed nor denied.
Bullshit Society – A society in which Bullshit is Truth, Truth Bullshit. Bullshit becomes the official language of this society. They will speak Bullshit (much as George Orwell predicted in 1984 with his concept of “doublespeak”). Turn on FOX news (and many other sources) for a taste. (See quote below right)
Dot-Connectors – People able to connect seemingly random, unconnectable ideas. Average Fuckers often mistake this awesome ability as random. Smutpunkists taste the awesome sauce in it.
The Five Hive – Also known as the Fuck Force Five, these ladies are highly trained Women in Black agents tasked with keeping the Earth safe from extraterrestrials. They are trained in advanced fucking, quantum physics, and rappelling down giant dildos.
Match of the Centuries – the epic battle between Butterface and Princess Chuckhole (See flyer)
Miss Lonely Hearts – This is the female straggler found in many bars and clubs who is pretty much good to go. Most guys can sit down with her, probably not even buy her a drink yet take her home and pound her until something gives, like a sink, a penis bone, or a pelvis. Often Miss Lonely Hearts makes a really top notch one night stand. She usually shows good manners, good hygiene, and good skills drinking, taking drugs, and in the sack.
Clear Heels – the required footwear of sluts all over the planet and universe. When men find a girl wearing these heels they can rest assured that they are in for a good time (similar items are hoop earrings, g-strings, and pink scrunchies).
Futa – A woman with a large cock. (See Reed James)
Splooge - the magical liquid that spews from cock jerked to satisfaction. The very life force of the universe. The stuff that flows through Planet Alien Relish. The material for which Butterface is in an obsessive and violent search.
Spunk – See splooge
Smutpunk – It’s erotica with plot that mixes forms from such varied sources as magic realism, science fiction, and Asian kung fu movies. In the same way most other punks use some common thing to glue them together, smutpunk uses the most basic protein of all to create its own panspermia universe, mixing pop-culture, erotica, the Cthulhu mythos, Far East legends, and Non-Western spirituality with Science Fiction, Pulp, and Silver-Age-Comic era elements into a head spinning, ball-busting good time.
The Buttplug Mantel – Where Liam, aka That Fucker, keeps his trophy case of used buttplugs with little exhibit label flags like a museum that explain the who, what, where, why, how of the butt plug displayed. Some executives have slayed animals, others have athletic trophies, That Fucker has the butt plug mantel. (Read about it)
The Smutpunk Lexicon – a dictionary of the tasty words peppered on your smutpunk.
Tudung – a headscarf worn by Malay women. (see more)
Average Fuckers – In an effort to keep my wife happy, I’m no longer calling 99% of the world morons and instead trying to be more accurate by calling them average. I say it with tons of hidden malice. Well, the malice ain’t hidden to the dot-connectors, bless their depraved coal-hearts.
Hyperfuta – a futa with a cock the size of a car.
PAAG – Phat Ass Asian Girl. An Asian chick with a big, juicy phat ass. (See PAAG tumblr site)
PAWG – Phat Ass White Girl. A white chick with a big, juicy phat ass! (See PAWG tumblr site)
SMUTPUNK Freedom Flag – The movement’s flag of freedom to spunk! (See Image)
Trump Butt Plug – Words cannot describe this Commander-in-Cheeks. (See Trump Butt Plug)
Yoga Pants – Really tight pants hot chicks wear to attract alpha males like bees to the honey pot. (see example)
If you’d like a word added, just leave it in the comments below and I’ll see what I can do.
Please Share This Post and Educate the World
I don’t like telling you what to do, but you really should add this to the SMUTPUNK WIKI. I’m just saying.
Moctezuma Johnson’s Review: Red Sky at Morning by Made in DNA
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is another great read by Made In DNA. The story is well researched, which is a regular occurrence with this author, and smells like Japan although the English is crisp and cooked to perfection. This tale blends an urban narrative with local superstition and a dose of Cthulhu demon for good measure. It’s an imaginative and inspirational story. If you like fantasy fiction you will enjoy this immensely. I sure did!
The Japanese Love Doll Deal | an excerpt
Subtitle: A bizarre twist of fate on CyberMonday
This is the story of Thomas an ordinary chap somewhere in the heartland of America, you know a place I’ve never been to as I hug the liberal coasts when I do venture into the US but never mind me and my magical ways, let’s stick to young Thomas, trying to get ahead in life, to climb the corporate ladder and find himself a good woman with whom he can settle down and make babies.
Thomas was always a weird child way more into his toys than his peers. He was happy sticking to himself. This life needed money to survive so he had to interact with other humans, but that prospect didn’t thrill him and he did his best to ignore most human interaction. Thomas had blonde hair that he wore neatly parted to expose his face. His black glasses partially hid his sparkling blue eyes. His nose was pretty small like a child’s but then he had light facial hair that gave his cute baby face a more rugged, sexy look. He was not a bad looking guy if he would just take off his glasses. He was working selling insurance, a thankless job. Most people who he spoke with were furious at him and his company, but there was really nothing he could do to help. He wanted to help people but his hands were really untied. He came home to his messy little apartment and plopped down on the couch. He held his last beer can protectively. It was the only good thing on this Monday evening, the first Monday since the Thanksgiving Holiday. He popped the beer can open and it exploded all over him. “Goddamnit,” he said. He wasn’t mad about getting beer on him, he was mad that he wasted nearly all of his last beer. He checked his wallet and found a folded $1 bill. That wouldn’t get more beer. He turned on the TV and his favorite sports team The Old York Stinkies were getting pummeled 17-3. He flipped through the channels but there was nothing good on. Just advertisements for internet shopping and this new “Cyber Monday” stuff. Thomas got out his laptop and jumped on the internet, hoping something exciting would catch his eye. It was as bad as staring into the fridge when hungry and lazy: nothing appealed to him.
He ended up searching porn but that bored him. How many times could he watch a white girl with her teeth gritted yelling, “fuck me fuck me fuck me?” Porn was so predictable and criminally un-creative. Where was the fun? He searched “sex toy shops” and then “dick-lengthening pills.” After jumping from one page to another, Thomas found himself on a new site. This one was selling very expensive dolls. Each doll was handcrafted “by god himself” and the prices were in the ten thousand to one hundred thousand dollar range. The site featured hundreds of exquisite photos of the dolls. They were seen sitting at the dinner table in fine clothes, posed on the couch, leaning out the window, in corporate casual at the boardroom table, and in the bedroom. They were each beautiful as a supermodel, with high cheekbones, full lips, and incredible bodies. They weren’t quite the bodies of bimbos (no GG tits or anything), but they were very sexy with great curves.
Thomas was blown away.
They were so unique, so beautiful, and they stirred something sexually inside of him. The url was from a japanese love doll site. He checked his wallet again. He just had the dollar, but he did have plastic. He could whip out his credit card and purchase one of these lovely dolls. He couldn’t. The one he liked was twenty-seven thousand dollars. That was more than a car! For a doll. They were exquisite, classy, well-dressed, beautiful, sexy, inviting, but he just couldn’t. It was crazy. He thought of Larissa in his office. She was wonderful. She was like a doll to Thomas. He had finally gathered up the gumption to go up to her while she was eating salmon in the cafeteria and while holding his coffee he said what he’d practiced a thousand times, “Larissa, I was wondering if you have dinner plans tonight. I really admire you. I’d love to get to know you more.” Thomas was surprised it had come out so cogently. He was deathly afraid that he would trip all over his words as he usually did in front of a woman but practice makes perfect and that came out really perfectly. It didn’t matter. Jim, the managing broker stepped right in and put his hands on her shoulders and said, “She has plans. Plans to be at her knees in front of me.” He burst out into racaous, inappropriate laughter. Larissa blushed a little but wasn’t the type to buck the trend. She stayed complicit in his bragging of her as his sex toy and Thomas noticed she was wearing a choker that had a little hook to clasp to a leash. He shook his head like the thought was paining him and said, “Nevermind. Forget I asked, and stormed out of the room while Jim and a few of his cronies had a good laugh at Thomas’s expense and Larissa’s expense.
He clicked BUY.
It only took a few minutes to put in the requests he had: long black hair, a large C-cup, thick booty, full ruby red lips. He chose her clothes. He put in his address and credit card info and clicked confirm. Then he plopped back down on the couch, drank the two fingers of warm beer that hadn’t spilled and passed out on the couch.
Thomas woke up trembling to the sound of the doorbell. He shook off the cobwebs. He stood up, shakily, and went to the front door. When he opened it, it was pitch black out and really he should have checked out the window first. This was a great way to get robbed and murdered. This was why so many Americans carried guns, Thomas thought. He was so sleepy he’d be liable to shoot just about anyone, including himself, in this state. He blinked a few times and checked his watch. It was 3 a.m. There was a large box on his stoop. He grabbed it to lift it but it was heavy. He got a better grip and lifted it up. It had to be about 100 lbs. As he walked in the house with the box the weight in the box shifted. He put it down with a loud grunt and remained crouched. He stared at the box. He hadn’t grunted. The box moved and he jumped up to his feet and stepped back. “Oh my god!” he said.
The flaps to the box opened. It was like there was a cat in the box, it was moving on its own. It was a cat in some manner, the dirtiest, of the word. A tall, beautiful woman rose slowly out of the box. She had high cheekbones like a supermodel. Her long black hair was pulled back in a gorgeous pony tail. Her lips were painted red and full and juicy. She was wearing a sexy green tank top and jeans (the very outfit Thomas had picked on the internet). Her tits sure looked like the large C cup that he had requested. This girl was real and she was spectacular. Thomas stuttered, “My my my, you you you’re…”
“Thirsty. Can I have a glass of water?” She spoke in a Japanese accent.
“Sure sure,” Thomas said. He went to the fridge where he kept tap water cold and took out the bottle of water. The water sloshed around since his hands were shaking. Then he got a cup from the cupboard and poured water for her. It splashed all around and some landed on the counter. “Ice?”
(Continue reading this Cyber Monday Love Doll Story)