Sex Tip No. 13 – How to Score an Awesome Book Boyfriend in Real Life

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How to Score a Book Boyfriend In the Flesh

Three Cockish Tips to Get the Man of Your Dreams to Appear in front of your Eyes

It has come to my attention that 60% of the women out there would prefer a book boyfriend to a real one. That’s an interesting fact. I started thinking about why I have fucked so many women and something occurred to me. I usually try to have a deep conversation with a woman who I am meeting for the first time. I want to meet ‘on the level.’ Usually, though, I find she’s not up to the task and then change gears to just trying to take advantage of her, which she is often game for. It’s almost like fucking is easier than talking. However, on the rare occasions when the two meet, you have a sizzling chemistry. I think that’s really what most of the women out there are looking for, the meeting of brains and brawn in one package. Well, from what I spy looking around, achieving that is a two-way street and, while men are sometimes to blame for dropping the ball, there are things you women can do better too. Here are three easy steps to finding a man as great as your ideal book boyfriend in the flesh: read, share, and eliminate the noise.

You need to read. The things is, when I look around FB most people are just reading the same old tired genre fiction. Yes, I look down on that (and, yes, I know there are exceptions). You need to expand your horizons and actually read stuff of merit. I write erotica. I know it’s crap. I can vouch for that (check the book shop here to verify). I’m not saying every erotica book isn’t worth reading. Many books are great. However, to feed the soul and become the kind of woman that a great man wants, takes a little more than reading a series of one wank wonders (as enjoyable as each may be). Read some philosophy, read some scientific treatises, read some literature. One of the reasons I am such a slow reviewer is that I read one erotica for every ten to fifteen other books I read. I like science (if you don’t know where to start, try Watson & Crick’s Double Helix, science-fiction (try Foundation by Isaac Asimov), and literature (try Cosmicomics by Italo Calvino) the most, but there’s a wide range of topics to read.

Next, to score yourself an amazing book boyfriend in the flesh, you’ll need to share posts (particularly my posts for maximum browning points). Share other writers, share what you love. Share good stuff. And cut out this inspirational bullshit (see B.A. Ro’lyin for what NOT TO DO, lol. Sorry, babe!). Being cute won’t get you jackshit in this life filled with assholes, backstabbers, and republicans. You need to be a hustler making moves. You need to actively employ that genius. You need firepower on the tongue and chili powder in the soul. If you prepare your brain-soul-loin connect properly, you don’t need some bullshit meme to tell you how to live or encourage you to keep doing what you already know. Not if you’re a smutpunk. And I know you’re a smutpunk, or why the fuck else would you be on this blog reading this shit? Right!? So get to it, share smutpunk and romance and all the good shit you love and build your network.

Last, cut the noise. Facebook is a good example of how there’s so much noise out there that seems okay that you may not even notice it is bad for you. There’s fake news, contradicting half-baked memes, religious quotes, romantic posts, and other complete mumbo jumbo. You scroll quickly through and think it isn’t infecting your brain, but it is. It’s a fucking virus. Beware! My advice, if you want to make a deep connection with a person that is rewarding mentally and physically, is shut the noise down and concentrate.

I’m not sure this really constitutes a sex tip. Maybe I have this in the wrong category. In fact, I’m not sure this is a tip at all. Maybe it’s a life hack. Maybe it’s a note to self to focus. I guess the point is that a book boyfriend (or girlfriend, of course) isn’t going to come to an undeveloped person. You need to cultivate what you are. Let me help.

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Sex Tip No. 12 – Spanking

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Sex Tip No. 12 – Spanking

Part of the Weekly Sex Tips Series

Spanking has been around for a very long time. So although we haven’t invented it, we can certainly enjoy it whether you are spanking or being spanked.

The key to spanking is to develop a soft spank. There will be time for hard spanking later, if your partner can take it and likes it, but first there needs to be a soft spank. Start by caressing the ass. That’s the main thing before spanking hard. You want to sneak up on that ass after a good caress, and THWACK! But not too hard. You can scare your partner half to death, so BE GENTLE!

Wait wait, pump the brakes, let me make some obligatory comment: Before Striking Anyone’s Big Phat Fine Booty, get their consent. 

Good Girl Spanking

Now, let’s get into the blurry lines of pain and pleasure, of power and sex. Many woman are attracted to men in suits or men with (or who appear to have) money. Why is this? Power. Money is a symbol of power. Nothing turns most people on more than taking or giving power, based on that person’s personal needs/desires. Spanking is a transference of power. The one spanking has the power. The one being spanked is giving the power. The spanker in good girl spanking is often the guy fucking the girl from behind and slapping her ass while she’s in that ass-sexy doggy style position (see last week’s post about properly arching the back, ladies!). Spanking during doggy style is a good girl spanking. She’s getting fucked hard. There’s no seeing each other’s faces, she feels like an animal and the spank is a kind of powerful way to remind her—giddy-up—to move faster and really push back on that dick. It’s a way for the person spanking her and fucking her to say, good girl. Of course there’s a little more to it than simply one giving and one taking, but for this short post I’m not going to get into the deep and muddy waters of how the submissive is really in control and all that acid jazz. For this post, the one spanking is taking charge.

Bad Girl Spanking

However, spanking doesn’t have to be a good girl confidence boost. It can be a punishment. Spanking can be a more of a bad girl ritual. You can get her in a slutty outfit and use some paraphernalia like crops, whips, and paddles to punish your partner for bad behavior. You may still want to caress that ass a little bit first to warm it up before dishing out your punishment, but ultimately you are meant to cause pain and to keep your disobedient slave in line. This can be a punishment for not following orders, for dressing incorrectly, or anything up you dream up.

Some stats:

60% of women like to be spanked!

Pain and Pleasure Come from the SAME receptors int he brain (if you’re reading this blog, my guess is that you already knew that. SMUTPUNK up, baby!)

 

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Sex Tip #10: Talking Dirty in Bed

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Talking Dirty in Bed

Talking Dirty is Definitely an Art Form

Some people are quiet in bed, some people are talkative. Some people love dirty words! Some people are easily offended. Before you let the dirty talk rip, make sure you’re in bed with another smart, curse-loving degenerate like yourself! 

You’re a dirty cunt! And you love every minute of cock stretching you out.

There’s a good example of what I like to say to my wife in the sack. I wouldn’t say she’s quite a curse-loving degenerate but damn the bitch nasty once her titties out. So, once you get yourself in the company of a nasty fucker, be sure to find pet names for you and your partner(s). Some of the most common are Master, Daddy, Mistress, Goddess, Kitten, Horse Cock, Super Squirter, Cunt, Bitch, Slut, Cum Rag, Nut Drowner, Butt Raper, Bottom Pig, etc. There are also all kinds of pet names for your partners so I won’t go into a super long list here, but if you need more please ask in the comments below and add your favs.

I like to call my wife slut and have her do degrading things like lick my asshole, swallow my cum, and finger herself while I squirt her in the face with a water-gun filled with vanilla yogurt. Tonight I got up behind her on the parlor floor and she told me she felt useless until she had cock in her. That was fun for me. Everybody is a bit different and the only thing that’s really a must is that you really lay it on. You can’t kind of do. You need to ask him to break your uterus and drown you in seventy-three cumblasts, don’t say merely “make love to me.” Now, get up in that ass. Tell him you want to fill the bathtub with jizz and slide around. Hyperbole is sexy. Tell her you’re going to pound that ass until it bleeds and then feed your dick to her when it’s all nasty. 

Like Chris Rock says, “you can’t say, excuse me ma’am…I have a request, would you lick my balls.” No. Wrong. You have to grab her and with authority say, “lick my balls, bitch!”

My most successful come-on, no joke, is simply: Kneel down, whore! Sometimes I whisper this gold nugget to chicks that I hope to sleep with at really inopportune date moments, like waiting on line at the movies, or when she’s talking to a girlfriend of hers in a restaurant or at the bar. That sets the tone for my intentions and plants the seed. I also say it to women I’ve never spoken to. I’ll go around a club and say that to fifty women. Often fifty will look at me like I’m nuts (which I love!) and then I can either backtrack and start a normal conversation since the ice is broken or she says something to the effect of, “fuck off creep!” to which I go into my “Oh you’re to good for me to talk with speech” which is a real winner (email me if you’d like the script). You may be thinking, what the fuck? MJ’s crazy. But I’m not. The world is crazy. I’m sane for noticing. See, I’ll show you I’m sound as a pound. I used the number fifty for a reason. If I ask fifty women something I may get shot down by every single one of them, but if I ask one hundred women (especially in a place with alcohol) to do anything (and, yes i mean anything) I will get a yes. I’m not saying they will all say yes. Oh no. Not all, but one out of one hundred will be kneeling down in the bathroom after a drink. Go ahead try it.

 

Some Great Promotions that I Completely Stand Behind (and in front of):cinnamoan-moctezuma-johnson-adult-shop

Can’t get enough dirty talk from your partner? Then check out Bree Olsen Talking Dirty to You. Simply upload her sexy voice to your Smart Phone, MP3 player, Music Library, Tablet, CD player or anywhere you listen to music and enjoy the aural fantasy guaranteed to rock your world! Play it discreetly or as loud as you want.

 

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Sex Tip #9 – The Art of Pleasuring Yourself

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Sex Tip of the Week – The Art of Pleasuring Yourself

It seems simple enough. Touch yourself in the way that brings you pleasure. While that is true there’s a way to make it a bit more exciting and I don’t mean by sitting on your hand until it goes numb so you feel like you’re being touched by a stranger. The key to pleasuring yourself properly is, don’t just give in so easily. I mean what fun is a roll in the hay when you don’t have to chase the person for at least a little bit. The quest from being turned down to lowering the panties is where most of the thrill is! Right? Of course, so don’t be so easy with yourself. Don’t just plop down, spread your legs, and start rubbing that sweet little nub. Give yourself a little show. Make yourself work a bit to get you. Be the hunter. Be the hunted. What fun is Luke Skywanker’s journey without the evil Lord ‘Bater in his way? So as your hand slides down to give yourself a little sugar, slap it away with that other hand and admonish, “Hey, I’m not that kind of girl.” Now your blood should quit festering like a New York City puddle infested with West Nile mosquitoes and start running like the Usumacinta River. Now that you’ve got your attention, give yourself a little slap. Nothing to draw blood, unless that’s the only way to get your juices flowing (in that case, slap the hide off yourself), but more of a push pull with yourself. Now you can start pleasuring yourself, but don’t just bring yourself to orgasm, tissue off, and call it a day. Nope. Get yourself right up to the precipice and stop. That’s right, stop. Leave yourself there, you naughty tease. “Don’t stop,” tell yourself. Then say, “What a desperate little bitch you are,” to yourself. I really believe in speaking honestly with myself and you should get in the practice of being honest with yourself. “You’ll just die if I don’t make you cum, huh?” That’s right, tease yourself. Now bring yourself to the verge of orgasm again. STOP! Yep. One more time, don’t give in to your greedy self. You stay strong, baby! Now I want you to touch yourself with all that pent up passion. Jack- or Jill-off with gusto! Rip past any roadblocks now and let that orgasm cascade over you. It will be much stronger and more satisfying since you resisted your desperate self a little bit.

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Some Great Promotions that I Completely Stand Behind (and in front of) since they are all tip top for pleasuring yourself! 

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Sex Tip #8: Brains are Sexy – How to be positively PHAB!

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Sex Tip #8 – Big Brains are Sexy. In fact, they’re PHAB! 

Big, veiny, wet brains. Yum. There’s nothing hotter than a chick with a big, sexy brain. I’ll take brains over big tits, big ass, or anything. But not everybody is blessed with a big brain, so what can you do to make your brain smarter (yes, there are things).

Read, but don’t read shit. Read good stuff like literature, various news sources (most outside of the US if you want to avoid the propaganda machine), learn languages, learn music, master sports, cook, practice tantric sex, flirt, talk with people, and listen. The same way a hot ass chick with a big, thick ass that doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it does squats religiously at the gym you should be putting that brain to study. In 2016, being an idiot was en vogue but that shit has to stop. I mean it. Stop chuckling. We are on the verge of World War III with these fucks in power. Climate change could kill us all. Nuclear weapons can obliterate us at the turn of a key. MJ, do you always have to be so serious? Can’t we just chill? Sure we can chill, but me, I only want to chill with people who are smart and often find myself all alone. I know you big brained fuckers who love to drink, curse, and fuck are out there, but there are fewer and fewer of us. Today’s people can’t even tell real news from fake news. I mean, some moron bust into a pizza shop down the road demanding to see the children in the basement. The place has no basement, let alone no children in a Hillary Clinton Sex Sweat Shop Scheme. This fucker was armed (only in America! I tell you!) and even after being arrested and told the truth couldn’t process the thing. You know what I say: Bullshit is Truth, Truth Bullshit.” But this isn’t acceptable. Nothing sexy about that nut. But the thing is, although he’s extreme, people are unable to differentiate fact from fiction. They don’t grasp sarcasm, have no idea what metatext or context is, and don’t think critically. These are essential skills for a forward thinking world. So I’m sorry that I had to take a break from teaching you how to relax your throats and swallow cock because we are all getting throatfucked by governments worldwide and I think it’s time to say so. There’s plenty you can do but if you’re not learning anything at the moment, shame on you. You’re part of the problem. So be sexy. Put down the erotica and the crappy bestsellers and try something worthwhile: Think. It may be illegal soon.

 

ASIDE:

Big Sex Phat Ass Brains are sexy. “Man, she’s just PHAB,” says a dude in the bar. “What are you gay?” his buddy says elbowing him in the rib. “I ain’t gay, he says. She’s PHAB, got a Phat Ass Brain!”

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SEX TIP #6 – Role Play

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SEX TIP No. 6 – Role Play

I’m the King of Spain and you’re a captured Moor wife thrown into my harem!

elly-tran-ha-in-korean-sexy-bikiniDon’t just get on top of each other and pump. Give a little historical context to the thing. Maybe you’re the professor and she’s the slutty student. Maybe she’s the Queen of England and you’re an attendant. Maybe you’re a beast and she’s your weak, defenseless prey. Maybe you’re the priest giving her a naughty, nasty, masturbatory penance. Spice it up by playing some roles. It’s XXXmas time so a naughty girl and good santa or vice versa can work, as well as some elf-punks getting jiggy on the rooftops. You really can’t go wrong with a little roleplay. Something about leaving your own constrictions has enormous, exponential freedom attached to it. I highly recommend you pretend to be me and have the time of your life. Oh yeah. Have yourself a SMUTPUNK spree. Read the books and apply reenactments liberally.

Next Tip: I have no idea (see previous)

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The Angry Sex Tip | Sex Tip #4

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Weekly Sex Tip #4

Each person is different, this is rule number one. So you have to get to know each partner. Some partners need gentle touches, others want rough angry sex. Here’s the key to my angry sex tip. What makes angry sex so hot? Passion.

angry-sex-tipIf you’re having angry sex with someone you’re with somebody who knows how to push your buttons. That person is probably somebody who you’ve known for a while. Perhaps a spouse or a long term partner. Once in a while it’s a loathsome freak you’ve picked up and plan to hate fuck right from the beginning (no judgments, I’ve been there!). Now the disgust, anger, and hate have the adrenaline pumping and have you feeling alive! This is passion. Passion is the main ingredient in angry sex. It’s what takes the boring out of this rough romp in the hay. Funnel all the nasty feelings you have into your sex drive and voila! Men will have raging hard-ons and women will be as sensitive as a hairless kitty.

Now go for it. This is the time for rough facefucking, for thrusting dick into cunt like he’s a jackhammer trying to rip up the tarmac. Fuck one orgasm, let’s build a goddamn Egyptian pyramid. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. This is no time to be civil, get that nose in her cunt, dudes. Floss with her bush. Lick that asshole, ladies. Gag on his dick! This is Angry Sex, Hate Fucking for Lovers, Make-Up Sex, Break Up Sex, I Hate Your Guts Sex. Whatever you want, take it. You’re a beast! You’re an animal. You’re nothing but cock. You’re whole body is cunt.

Tired of him running his mouth? Grab him by the hair and sit on his face. Rub your cunt lips over him until he shuts the fuck up and pleasures you. Guys, bored of her whining? Fuck her so hard and deep that those whines turn to screams and her nails draw blood as she cums repeatedly.

angry-sex-tipOh your partner is a darling, you say? No way to rile him or her up? Well, here’s an angry sex tip newsflash.

Well, fuck that. Pick a fight. Steal his dinner. Lock her out. Forget to pick her up. Bring the neighbor’s panties into the apartment by accident from the laundry room. Yell at your partner in public (that might lead not only to hate sex, but to public sex, throw in a voyeur or two and you have the trifecta).

 

 

 

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Previous Sex Tip: Properly Warming Up An Ass

 

Sex Tips: Properly Warming Up an Ass | Sex Tip #3 | #SexManual #LPRTG #HowTo

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Although each woman and man is different, these Sex Tips can save you valuable time and effort

The key thing with any ass from virgin to experienced is to get the ass to do the work.

What do I mean by that? Well, a dude can’t just jam his cock up a virgin asshole and expect it to go well. The ass has to take the cock. In other words, the ass is actually the leader although this may seem counter-intuitive to some of us. So the key here is to get the ass warmed up to a finger, or a butt plug, and let the ass kind of swallow the digit. The ass has to relax around it and let it come in.  It’s up to the ass to lay down a welcome mat. To do so, it has to relax and feel inviting. Then an ass will be much more welcoming to a big dick or any other things you crazy kids dream up. Eating ass (last week’s sex tip), is an excellent precursor to a little butt plug action. As always the key is lube, lube, lube. When you think there’s more than enough lube on the ass, put more on. After you put more than you think you need on, you may have nearly enough.

What kind of lubes work well?

One things to never use is olive oil. You do not want all that trans fat, lol. I’m only partly kidding, the friction makes it very hot and the sex becomes nearly unbearably hot. Then all you’re trying to do is cum before your genitals set on fire. A better product is Cleanstream Relax Desensitizing Anal Lube, 17oz which is made for anal and desensitizes the area. You may also go with Shibari Personal Lubricant – Water Based 8oz Bottle. Look at all the Shibari reviews. It’s a good brand and this is good stuff although it’s not specifically made for anal sex.

What else do you need?

The other item you really want to take care to buy is a good butt plug. There are lots out there that aren’t very good, and your ass is not a place where you want to sacrifice quality. “Doctor I have no idea how that got up there!” Sure. Just admit you bought a cheap butt plug and the base broke off or was so narrow your greedy ass just sucked it up. Seriously, the key to a good plug is a wide base. You want to make sure it stays where it should. A butt plug that gets really high reviews because it is attractive and well-made (in other words safe) is PURE Njoy Metal Butt Plug Large 4 Inch Polished Steel. Another option is the  Beginner Anal Plug Trainer Kit, which could be a great starting anal toy. Or, make shopping quick and easy by taking advantage of the lube and butt plug kit that makes shopping a breeze: Njoy Pure Plug Large with Sliquid Sassy Anal Lube. Finally, I’d be remiss not to include at least one Romi Jeweled Butt Plug for all the princesses out there (and who says your man can’t be your sweet anal princess, right!? So be creative and thoughtful, ladies).

Once you have the lube and the butt plug of your choice, insert it very slowly. Let the ass take the plug. Like parliament/funkadelic sing, “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Let the ass open up to the plug and then kind of eat it like it was slurping up pasta. Err, that’s a weird image, but I think you get the point that it has to slide (not JAM!) in. So take it easy, lube it up good, and slide it in. Then leave it there and let your ass get comfy around it.

Now that ass is sexy and warmed up for the next level.

 

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Sex Tip: Kiss the Back of Her Neck | #SexManual #SexTip #LPRTG

Sex-Tip

Weekly Sex Tip #1

Each woman is different, this is rule number one. You may find a few who behave the same way. I’ve even had runs where five to ten like the same soft circular stroking of the clit with the soft pad of my middle finger and then the next chick I’m in bed with wants to have her pussy finger fucked hard while I twist her nipples with all my strength. So there may be patterns and tendencies, but ultimately you need to watch and listen to your partner and pick up on visual clues that she’s into something. If not, scrap it.

One thing that I find the majority of women do like is having their necks kissed and licked. Something about behind behind her and letting your lips rub against her soft, smooth skin gets her excited. You should see goosebumps or some other sign that you’re getting to her. Move to her ear and lick. Then softly bite her neck like you’re wolves. When she offers her neck to you, she’s showing she trusts you so don’t draw blood (unless that’s her fetish). Just kiss her romantically.

My wife has an amazing scalloped back so I follow the sensual lines from the back of her neck down her spine all the way to her ass crack. Then when she’s wet as a splash pond, I take her from behind.

Next sex tip: Eating Ass