Bullshit Bulletin for SMUTPUNKs #10 – Return of the Callie

Bullshit-Bulletin-for-SMUTPUNKs

Bullshit Bulletin for SMUTPUNKs – Bulletin No. 10

Callie Press is back with a vengeance!  She’s written like 45 books in the last hour and started blogging and making movies and doing all kinds of awesome stuff. Awesome. She’s on youtube (links and embedded video below) doing incredible work when not writing amazing stuff at her Queen of Smutpunk blog. She’s been writing these very useful posts for self-published authors covering grammatical points, how to use editors and beta readers correctly, and more.

$.

I’m also back but with less vengeance than Callie. My day job takes over my life every November and December, and now I’m kind of returning to normal. I have a few books in the pipeline, including Chronicles of a Humiliation Season Two (yippee ki yay ki yo), Dino-sore, and something about the Deji’i Order tentatively titled STAR WHORES (say that in your head in the voice of James Earl Jones, of course).

$.

I need your help

I need you to press this link (while signed in to your twitter) and invite your people to join the LPRTG mailing list

Press this link to invite your followers to join the LPRTG fun! There are Freebies from SMUTPUNKs and shit, there are sex tips, there are poems, there are photos, and there may be some finance and hairstyling tips. So give us your email in exchange for Literary PULP Raw Talented Groupie fun! In case you didn’t catch it the LPRTG abbreviation is staying but the Literary Porn tag has been updated. Maybe it will mutate again one day. SMUTPUNK doesn’t rest on its laurels [[tkttkt fact check]]. It rather suck a futa dick.erotic-smutpunk

 

MJ’s next book should be a good one

Chronicles 5! It’s being written right now, finally. I know. I rested on my laurels because I’m a dumb shit. I would apologize but it’s like telling you to be taller or something. Dumb shit is just my way. Resting is another thing I like to do, especially after head.

 

Smutpunk on Skates

Emme’s series has gotten a makeover and a bundle. The bundle is called SMUTPUNK on SKATES (you can see the cover in the header up top). Check out all the NEW PULPY COVERS right fucking here.

Also check out the NEW SMUTPUNK ON SKATES VIDEO PROMO. This is must-see BoobTube.Cum TV.

 $.

Quick-Fire Interviews with HL37 (a recent smutpunk addition) and Patrick Khayler.

Click their names with the superheroes to see what they said.

HL37-smutpunk-PatrickKayler1

$.

You need a Callie Press Joint, they knock the SMUTPUNK loose from your eyelashes.

Join her by subscribing and watching her playlist or watch one here:

 $.

A Moctezuma Johnson Movie:

$.

Follow MJ’s movies by following Miss Punk E. Schmooster (as he was banned from youtube and uploading movies years ago). If you want to find his channels you’re going to have get him on xvideos. However, for now follow Punk E. instead. She’s the head PA (right, a PA who gives head to all of us — male and female and everything in between) promoting the S.PUNK.

Have you gotten your introduction letter from MJ?

Get your introduction letter from MJ?

 

erotic-smutpunk

What’s your SMUTPUNK name?

If you don’t know GET ONE ASAP.

 

What is SMUTPUNK?

Answer: This is smutpunk.

 

Link to Callie’s Essential Publishing Tips

If you’re an indie writer these are posts that you NEED to read. Callie’s releasing a new one every Sunday and the indie-writer community is incredibly grateful. She makes us all better.

Final thoughts and mailing list info

What you’re not on the most exciting mailing list of 2017! It’s got sex tips, games, freebies, giveaways, contests, and one-on-one banter with the King of SMUTPUNK. What more could you ask for from a mailing list? No really? You have more? Then let me know, but by all means, get your ass stuffed by my throbbing and vibrant outbox.

the kama sutra

Got something important to add?

Let me know.

I’m always around. Email, comment, tweet, or stop me on the street (grabbing me by the balls is the best way to get my wandering attention).

‘Nuff said, said San Esperma di Desgracia

Excelsior!

 

 

Bullshit Bulletin #7 @MJKingOfErotica #LPRTG #EARTG @horbooks

There has been a significant rise in the number of LPRTG Newsletter followers. Thank you to all the new recruits.

For those of you considering joining, consider this:

WE WANT YOU! WE WANT YOU! WE WANT YOU AS A NEW RECRUIT

$.

This Site

The other awesome success has been the rise in people buying directly from this site via paypal. It’s a great way for the reader to pay less for our books while the author gets the entire profit. It’s win win for both author and reader. Do take advantage. Visit the Book Shop and find titles that interest you.

$.

Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade

What's with the feet?

What’s with the feet? Click the heels to buy the book!

Of course, the nude new news for MJ fans is that he’s crawled out from under a rock to pen the Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade and is about to drop a How To book that will blow your fucking minds. It’s kind of my version of Callie Press’s How To Give Good Head. As you know, women kind of suck at giving head except for a few blesséd souls.

This one is about you. And, hot damn, are you sexy and up to your ears in pussy and problems. There’s chocolate sauce, there’s custard, there are bicycles handles in assholes, there are synapses soaked with dopamine, there is romance, a virgin touched by Allah, a hooker (well, they say she’s a hooker), and a cameraman in a Darth Vader mask telling you the intricacies of Gorilla Glue. What? Yep, there’s a hell of a lot of stuff, but YOU pick which option you want because this is a CHOOSE YOUR OWN KINK. That’s right! See the hot girls in pink over there? Click them to buy this amazing new pulpy erotic smutpunk.

Also, please leave a review. Even if you just write a word or “it was good!” I will be eternally grateful. Reviews rock! Reviewers rock! Rimmies rimmies!

Do you hear that? Right in the peripheral of your brain. Yes that. Like audio ghosts. What the…? What is that? Is that what I think it is, baby? Callie? Emme? Genevieve? Mama? Is that the funk? The Flashlight? the Mothership? How’s your Funk? la da da di da da da da da da da. Shit! Goddamn! Get off your ass and jam! 

How’s your Funk-Entelechy? Me? Well, I’m known as lollipop man, aka the long-haired sucker, so not to0 funkin’ bad. Why are there stars in your eyes? All the better to funk you with.

Bernie Worrell, Dr. Woo, RIP, my funk brotha!

I was lucky enough to see Dr. Woo play over thirty times at various locations from small supper clubs to big concert halls. I was also given the amazing moment of meeting the band and chatting with them for hours, which I’ll obviously never forget. This man truly changed my life. Y’all may not know, some of you do, that I moonlight as a funk brother playing drums, keyboard, guitar, and bass depending on the funk. In fact, I didn’t have eyes on writing at all when I was younger. I was music all the way. If you’d like to know the truth, ask away. Until then, i’ll leave it shrouded in mystery. Listen to one of the greatest keyboard players to ever touch the planet Earth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tL8shj6yx0 – Very cool jam with even the audience involved

$.

Anything else to report these days? If so, let me know.

Ooh Ooh, nerdy girl editing by Jenn, the ex-Disney star. Try her out. She did the Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapades. She’s a genius. Any mistakes are mine, not hers. I’m the one who can’t edit worth shit. Click the link and see what she offers. Mention my name when you do.

And the last thing is there are a lot of new poems on this site by both me and my new super-crush Genevieve Greene.

 

A parting tweet to enjoy:

Bullsh*t Bulletin #6

Smutpunk’d by the Alpha FUTA –  Bullshit Bulletin #6

by San Esperma de Desgracia

 

Is it already the Bullshit Bulletin No. 6? That can’t be fucking right, can it? Six? It feels like yesterday that I decided to start writing these. Huh!

 

 

Emme’s singin’ the Buttplug Blues agian. <Robert Plant riffing while stoned out of his mind singing Blazed & Cum-fused by MoJo> Lot’s of asses plugged, but few of them know that the butt of a woman was created below.

Times are hard. Hard as cock. SMUTPUNKED ON SKATES is the sequel to sequel to That Fucker, who gets skated by again and again and is ready with a trophy mantel of   B _ T T   _ L _ G S (would you like to buy a vowel from Vanha? Yes, a “U”. There are two “U”s). Heather’s mother is here to help this time. And everyone knows there’s no lovin’ like the lovin’ of yo mama! There’s also nothing better to muck everything up way worse than it was mucked up in the first place. The Buttplug Blues becomes Mama’s Blues.

Have you met the women of Fuck Force Five, the Five Hive, yet? If you haven’t please introduce yourself here.

 

Subscribe to the SMUTPUNK Mailer, please — Free Sex and/or Lip Balm is promised†

Put your email address in the box to the right to subscribe to the SMUTPUNK mailer. Thank you.

Put your email address in the box to the right to subscribe to the SMUTPUNK mailer. Thank you.

LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT (if you’re on a computer, no idea where if you’re on another device, somewhere) and subscribe to this site to get notifications of new blog posts. If you’re a writer I’ll be sure to promote your shit, if you’re a reader it means you’ll get free promoted shit. Who wants a FREE SMUTPUNKED ON SKATES? Let me know by email, cute little puppies)

[[INSERT CUTE ARROWY IMAGE HERE >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>]]

It’s called iPick-Up. It’s where you SUBSCRIBE to this website to get your SMUTPUNK fix. Everybody needs her smutpunk or your cunt will go dry. Them’s the breaks. It cures bad breath, alien virus, and asthma. So type in your email thingy and let me stuff your box full of s.punk.

 

Some Friends Doing Great Things:

Callie Press (aka Queen Kegel) has gotten some really good reviews for her SMASH HIT  Erotic Pulp #1 – The SMUTPUNK Reader. See her interview with Brixton Atwood.

I want to introduce a new friend and awesome tweeter and writer. Find more about this genius brain at @MzPatchouli. She has one of the best websites I’ve seen from a writer. It’s elegant by design and thoughtful by, well, design. Just do yourself a favor and check it out.

 

MILKING TITTIES

MILKED BY THE YETI. Looks like Callie and I have forgotten to write a new piece, between Sarchasmo and FitMan and BurpeeGirl it’s hard to find time between sets of rough BJ Burpees to see what Milky Russian tits are up to. The old titties are still completely free. They won’t be free for long as Assazon wants to charge for all titties, whether Russian or Not. Milked by a Yeti or Not. I don’t set the rules. I just obediently play by them.

Anyway, don’t forget to stay up to date with Milked by the Yeti at literaryporn.net. Big hairy changes are around the Himalayan corner. 

You haven’t heard of MILKED BY THE YETI? Do you live under a rock? Well, get yourself a quick one-minute taste at xvideos.com’s trailer of Natasha and Lena in Milked by the Yeti. Please give it a thumbs up if you enjoyed it. Thank you. I made it, so I could really use the encouragement.

 

Blog Tours & Twitter

Is anybody doing a blog tour or anything because I’m up for hosting a stop. I don’t really even know what that means, but I’d like to try being a host and finding out.

In Twitter news, authors keep blastin out tweets lauding their own books. I do it too, but man I’m getting bored of it. It kind of feels like all of twitter has become bot-territory.

In other Twitter news, dudes keep sending photos of their dicks. I don’t really get that much, but hear from the WPW Nymphettes that it’s pretty rampant. They pretty much think that because you’re a writer of erotica you’re a whore. I’m pretty much as obviously male as Big John Slade, so the ones that send to me with love from India are clearly gay (Mental Note: consider this when marketing toward the sub-continent). I’m going with something alone the lines of “My White Co-Worker Made me a Bollywood Cuckold by Whoring Out My Wife” or something to that effect.

I had something else to say, but it’s gone. I think it was a rant. I have that feeling in my gut. The rant feeling. Ah yes, this business from FaceBook:

Moctezuma Johnson I got into a pretty pretty pretty interesting discussion with Ashlee Shades and others on Naya’s post.

There has been lots of criticism (from me) about the fact that a lot of indie writing is fully baked. Sometimes the editing is bad, the plots aren’t well-, well, plotted, and the covers are crappy and even contain errors. I’ve been pretty lenient on the review end of things but the truth is the Zon makes anybody who can type with their thumb on a phone feel like an epicurean capable of doling out Michelin stars to the world’s greatest bistros. They’re not. The first and most essential thing they miss is basic common courtesy. Professional reviewrs have etiquette, even when they loathe something. If they don’t, they don’t last in the industry. A lot of my fellow writers are asking Zon to stop allowing people to read a whole book and then return it. Personally, I don’t care about those clergy members who get riddled with guilt after my sentient dildos made them cum and have to wash away the guilt by returning the book before another clergy member sees it, reads it, and—GASP!—enjoys it.  If you want your $0.35 back, go for it you cheap guilty bastard.

The thing that absolutely bakes my noodle is how someone will read 3% of my book and then say they don’t like it. That’s like smelling a bowl of pasta and saying, “I hate Italian cooking.” That’s not a review. I don’t think that should be allowed. Reviews help/hurt sales. But let’s not get me into a rant. I know lots of us have this phenomenon. You work for weeks or months on your baby and then get a one word “awful” with one star from someone who didn’t even have the etiquette to read the thing they are trashing. WTF? How is that allowed? I’m pasting a strangely burnt version of said review. It appears this rocket scientist’s review has suffered in a raging attack of SMUTPUNK arson. No idea how that happened. Callie Press? any ideas? <whistles “Forgot About Dre” while strolling away peacefully> Basically my overall, main arc of a point is that I’m more saying STOP THE BULLSH*T, but I think it’s kind of case by case, so overall I say let these brain surgeons do what they like to do, whether it’s buy and return not read yet review, etc. All of their shenanigans lead to sales movement, publicity, and are ultimately good for the author. I’ve seen theft in my day job, I’m talking hundreds of thousands of dollars, so forgive me but $0.35 isn’t really on my radar as theft. It’s more bad etiquette. The cops callcar robbery “Grand Theft Auto” because the numbers (in most states) are higher than a grand, otherwise, the police say, “f*ck it!, go read the new one by 1- and 5-star king Moctezuma Johnson” 

 

Shitty Reviewer

Was this review burned? How did that happen? There’s been a lot of criticism about indie authors. Well, the indie reviewers ain’t so damn great either. Take the lovely “Miss Sha Sha” bet she’d do book reports without reading the book while flunking grade school. I’m glad this type of person doesn’t “get” my books. Good riddance!

See what’s new at Mr. Blackthorne’s Classy Castle

Some recent posts from mrblackthorne.com:

 

Poet for Hire

Moctezuma's SMUTPUNK'd abs is a poet for hire
Click the abs to hire today^^

Poet for hire is always a good thing, right? I suggest you click below and buy. You can request the ever-popular hate poem. The poem is emailed anonymously to anyone you choose and features nasty, MJ-style abuse. Great for ex-husbands, bosses, cunt family members, and nemeses. Great for holidays! Comes with or without images! Get your own personalized SMUTPUNK poem.

Sarchashmo is the poet for hire. He’ll cockslap any fools into submission. If he cannot, he’ll employ the help of his “friend”, Queen Kegel the Sextacular

 

Got something important to add?

Let me know.

I’m always around. Email, comment, tweet, or stop me on the street (grabbing me by the balls is the best way to get my wandering attention).

‘Nuff said, says San Esperma di Desgracia

 

 

 

Get a quick Poem:

“I’ve sprung

your frankfurter from

its bun”

Notes:
†To those over 357 years old

Bullshit Bulletin #5 – Censorship licks erotica’s hairy pie-hole

Well, I was going to put an image of Sherri Clark’s Smutpunk Yeti here with some links to articles by Jamie and Sherri (see notes below) about SMUTPUNK but I am taking a hiatus from writing so I figure why bother. It’s kind of like that Dr. Dre line, which you’ll see below, you all can have erotica because I don’t want it. I’m taking a break, retooling, and coming back in another incarnation.

If it was up to me, you motherfuckers would stop coming up to me
With your hands out looking up to me, like you want something free
When my last CD was out, you wasn’t bumping me
But now that I got this little company
Everybody wanna come to me like it was some disease
But you won’t get a crumb from me
Cause I’m from the streets of Compton
I told ’em all, all them little gangstas
Who you think helped mold ’em all
Now you wanna run around talking bout guns like I ain’t got none
What you think I sold ’em all, cause I stay well off
Now all I get is hate mail all day saying Dre fell off
What cause I been in the lab with a pen and a pad
Tryin’ to get this damn label off
I ain’t havin’ that, this is the millennium of Aftermath
It ain’t gonna be nothin’ after that
So give me one more platinum plaque and fuck rap, you can have it back
So where’s all the Mad Rappers at
It’s like a jungle in this habitat
But all you savage cats
Know that I was strapped with gats
While you were cuddling a Cabbage Patch

Read more: Dr. Dre – Forget About Dre Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Watch Listen to the Whole Thing Here:

[[NOTE TO MAD SEXY SELF: insert image for yeti sherri clark smutpunk, then link to the two smutpunk artilces out, jamie and sherri, what else is the new stuff going on? Not much really! Lol.]]

They say poets should always come in the door talking. How am I doing?

Shit, just cause I’m fucked off of the game doesn’t mean I shouldn’t bust my nutty load full of sexy redheaded cohort praise all over your outstretched kindle. Download Erotic Pulp #1 by Callie Press. Read my advanced review of the genius contained within its virtual pages, too.

 

Strange Sex

Read this strange crazy shit! I’m telling you. Don’t think, just download Erotic Pulp and this and read. If you don’t, guys, your dicks will turn green and then fall off.

Also, read the Made in DNA translation The Vet

This reminds me…

New Doctor-Proven Way to STAVE OFF MENOPAUSE!

StayWetForever"TheFountain"ofYouth

Stave off menopause, ladies, by Reading MJ’s Smutpunk. If you don’t, your vagina my dry right up. Play it safe and read. CLICK the man in suit (if you click his dick you’ll REALLY get a surprise!)

Got to get some porn in the post or what fucking good is having your own site free of censorship?

Intense office lady gangbang

share this Hot Stone Shit i made, please!

And watch my spliced together MJ Video Montage Mash-up

 

Oh and finally, here’s a link to…

what Jamie said about Smutpunk

what Kat Crimson rocked out about Smutpunk

and Sherri’s SMUTPUNK filled Yeti (yep, soft as goose-down wrapped in alpaca)

Woman-with-Steak

Oops that’s a Steak and BJ kind of meat rare and blowjob well done. Click the plate to read the Steak and BJ Bundle

 

Here’s the SMUTPUNK-filled Yeti, I hope…

Censorship sucks and it's WAY more pervasive than you may realize

Censorship sucks and it’s WAY more pervasive than you may realize

 

NO CENSORSHIP HERE. FUCKITY FUCK CUNTFACE

Click the Cream-Filled Filling for a SMUTPUNK-cream Surprise filling drilling.

Click the Cream-Filled Filling for a SMUTPUNK-cream filming of a willing Surprise filling at the power spilling hands of the drilling KING of MOTHERFUCKING thrilling SMUTPUNK ritual killing EROTICA

MJ on Amazon **Multiple Countries**

 

Slip on my swag, lol. If you know me well, you know I’m not a huge Emimem fan although I think the dude’s supremely talented and funny, but I’m more of a Masta Ace guy cause i’m more of a fan of witty inversions, but that’s not the point. This vid is fucking immense. Marshall is a legend.

The SMUTPUNK lexicon is being edited now as you read. That promises to be noteworthy. If you have any words to add, please let me know.

Emme Hor put out a new book a few weeks back with my crappy editing and Callie Press left it a 5-star, glorious review. The book’s called Romance on Rollerskates and I’m supposed to edit the newest part of it now. If you love butt plugs then these “Women’s Adventures Series” books are a MUST-READ. You should read it even if you don’t like butt plugs but you’re simply interested in Malaysian (sex) culture. There are mosques, roller skates, and kopi tarik (stretched Malay-style coffee, yum). There’s an alpha male, I think he’s a billionaire, I forget, and a hot little Chindian-Malay sex pot. There’s always a sex pot, isn’t there? It features a facial, anal, and rollerskating. What’s not to love?

SMUTPUNK spilled all over me this morning and I haven’t yet washed it off. Guess I’ll be giving more loads to my washing machine. 

Take advantage of this great service:

Poet for hire is always a good thing, right? I suggest you buy the ever-popular hate poem. The poem is emailed anonymously to anyone you choose and features nasty, MJ-style abuse. Great for ex-husbands, bosses, cunt family members, and nemeses. Buy today, guaranteed delivery on Valentine’s Day (plan ahead)! THIS IS A REAL SERVICE. My blog readers have been using it since the days of deep classics on blogger. I’m written poems on naked pictures of wives, poems for couples, poems for asshole bosses, etc. Dream it up and give me an ass-crack at it.

Sarchashmo is the poet for hire. He’ll cockslap any fools into submission. If he cannot, he’ll employ the help of his “friend”, Queen Kegel the Sextacular

Lastly, last, last, Emme Hor’s book I Am Not a Whore, At Least Not Yet! got it’s first review as well, so check that shit out, will ya?

Got something important to add?

Let me know.

I’m always around. Email, comment, tweet, or stop me on the street (grabbing me by the balls is the best way to get my wandering attention).

‘Nuff said, says San Esperma di Desgracia