A Thing of Beauty: The Sir Henry March Mysteries (Volume 1) by Bianca M. Schwarz
Book Review by Moctezuma Johnson
I had never read a historical romance before and found it to be a daunting task. It took me a while to get accustomed to the pacing of the novel but luckily Bianca can really write well. The grammar is sound and the writing is highly polished. Little by little she pulled me into her world. The book starts off somewhere in England before the invention of the telegraph and slowly builds around a rich gent and a pretty woman he finds beaten at the curb. The tone is way more suited to literature than genre fiction, at least in the beginning. The tone is slow and meaningful, not the fast paced superficial prose of much contemporary Erotica. Bianca has done her homework and has the sound of the English spoken in that time period with detail paid to the different accents of the different classes. The first half of the book follows as a period piece giving you the feel of the day with a love story of Henry and Eliza. The second half has a plot about an old enemy that they try to catch in the act of torturing young girls. One demerit for me was the attitude of the novel toward which sexual deviances are acceptable and which are evil wasn’t made clear to me. It was assumed the reader would consider some men good and others bad, but I am not so easily convinced. I wished there was more discussion on the subject.
Also worth thinking about and discussing is the style of prose. It’s slow and languid. My guess is that fans of historical fiction will really enjoy the attention to detail and appreciate that Bianca took the time to install a thorough plot. Personally I wish the plot came into prevalence a bit earlier but do applaud the overall structure. Admittedly I don’t usually read historical romance fiction, so i suspect this probably means this was built smarter than I’ve even realized. Overall, The dialogue was quite well done even though Henry didn’t always speak like a man. Still, the dialogue was true to its time with a smattering of old words like phaeton, serviette, and curricle. The ending was really well done. I don’t usually like when plots are neatly tied up but in this case it was like a 1000 piece puzzle had slipped into place. Pretty cool.
Dick Rating: I can’t really give it too many dicks up because I’m not sure it’s even erotica. It’s a historical romance with an erotic element between two characters and some sexual deviations used to create villains not sexual satisfaction for the reader. I guess I’d give it one dick of two dicks up.
Literary Value: A Tale of Two Titties and Some Dicks out of a Tale of Two Cities.
Overall Score: 4.5 out of 5 stars. The story is well worth reading!
Please Take a Moment and Answer a few of these Book Club Questions regarding Sarchasmo V. Mr. Whiteprick:
- Is the bleak outlook on Indie Writers accurate?
- Is Sarchasmo too mean to Whiteprick?
- Not that there is anyone in real life as ridiculous as this “Whiteprick” character, but let’s suspend disbelief and assume he is real, do you know who Mr. Whiteprick is in real life?
- Does Whiteprick get what he deserves? Why or why not?
- Do you know who the Obsessive Cherry Blossom is?
- What’s your biggest pet peeve in indie publishing?
- Now that you know that Sarchasmo is for hire, would you like to employ him to take on your major issues?
(please answer below — discuss)
Book Review: Rubber Space Academy by Roxy Katt
I read this book ages ago but only left my review on Amazon
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I read this ages ago and loved every minute of it. I hadn’t known before reading that I just love these tight rubber suits so much that I go smutpunkedly batty reading Roxy’s books. She can write latex right off supple space skin! And the plots are convoluted (in a good way) with lots of backfiring humiliation, always one of my favorites, and lots of role reversals. This smutpunk approves mightily! If you like smutpunk and/or uniforms and/or find space pretty cool then this is a MUST-fukcing-READ to get down on it.
Keep in mind I have two accounts on GR, one under new FB aquamarine legs MJ and one under old sexy abs MJ. Great Googly Moogly! Friend both of us or I’ll kick your ass, twice. Anybody hear Bob George? Weird.
Book Review: Erotic Pulp 2 by Callie Press
Well, as always Callie has outdone herself. She outdoes herself so often it’s remarkable that she hasn’t come undone. Maybe she has. I know her hair, buttons, and blouses have.
This edition of Erotic Pulp has all the pulpy trimmings of smutpunk. It features a bad review of the text in the text with a sorrowful response of the mock-review that’s so real it’s hyper-real. There’s the story of BrendaLee Elkins, and then Fit Man and Burpee Girl are back to face off against the horrible Teen Abstiwench. There’s a rythmic Cowboy Poem, always needed, and a batter-dipped Asian Lechón. So as you can see you’ll get more turkey than Thanksgiving with a lot less ethnic holocaust.
This book, like the first Erotic Pulp (see Book Review here) is a ton of fun, very well written, and jumps all over the place in a pulpie b-movie I’m kind of high—or am I just tired?—surreal kind of gravity pull that leaves me holding my balls in my hand not sure how committed I am to jerking it. It’s erotica but it’s not really aimed at your libido any more than it is at your brain. It’s like getting a synaptic hand job. Sign me up for more, Callie. I’m an unabashed fan, so maybe my reviews are losing their pop at the perimeter of the circumference from ground zero: the point of erotic detonation in the Callieverse. They shouldn’t. These pulpy books will keep coming out and they should. Pick yours up now so you could say you were reading them before they made the movie.
First things first, I’m a big fan of Shelby Kent-Stewart (see interview to see our chemistry) so this review is part review part blurb. If you don’t like it, you can bug off and finger your own mangina. Now if you’re willing to listen, I have a great bit to tell you.
I read Blessing by Shelby recently and finally I am getting a few words down about it. This book rocked my world. It’s about Abigail Blessing, a hot little intelligent submissive who hasn’t allowed herself to be in love. In short, it’s a sexual and emotional awakening at the hands of an ebony and ivory dom duo. Where’s the chilango, Shelby? That minor beef aside, the chemistry for the trio is well developed and ready to burn as whistling kettle being ignored while lovers play in the sack. Although the characters were great, the thing about the book that really blew my smutpunk’d mind was that the whole thing is told in a trio of perspectives. Shelby is very artful in her way of using these multiple perspectives. She made me realize that some of my own stories (which indulge in texts, videos, and voyeurism as methods to tell the “other” story more intimately) would have been well served to use a similar method but I wasn’t as imaginative as Miss Stewart. By using three perspectives, Shelby is able to get deep into the love story between the three characters. The reader fully explores Abigail’s thoughts, which you may expect, but readers also get deep into the minds of Luc and Julian, the two Doms that she finds herself falling in love with. Delving into three minds makes what could be a pretty entertaining one-dimensional story quite deep and emotional. It really stokes the fire.
In addition to the perspective trick, Shelby has a wonderful way with words putting one wonderful, detailed description after another. Shelby’s writing has “the light,” that element that makes you want to get to know her more. I will call “the light” charm. In my opinion, all good artwork has the light, whether it’s a book, a coronet riff, or a dog barking to psychedelic rock, the light is what makes us perk up our ears and listen. Shelby makes you listen. And you are rewarded for listening to what she has to say.
Oh yeah, it’s erotica, to boot. I forgot to mention, the book is hot as hell. If you’re a male, you’ll find your hard-on getting in the way of the kindle screen cause Abigail is just so damn spunky! If you’re female, you’ll find your kindle freezing because it doesn’t like to get that wet.
If you haven’t given Shelby Kent-Stewart a read, get yourself a copy of Blessing right this moment and see what I’m talking about for yourself.
Book Reviews: Four Reviews of Four Awesome Contemporary Romance and Erotica Writers
First I had this obsession with the writing of Connie Cliff. If you check my archives you will see that I reviewed many of her books. Then it was the Wizards Daughters that Michael Dalton penned. Now it’s Callie Press. She burst on my erotica radar this year as subtle as a Stealth Bomber over Syria (thoughts to all my French brothers and sisters) with The Chamber Pot Prince and Donna the Office Slutbag and other awesome titles, but nothing was written this year with as much skill, subtlety, humor, sense, sensitivity, and just plain fun as Callie’s Halloween Tale Butterface. In my opinion, this was the Erotica Book of the Year. No disrespect to anybody else’s books (including my own) but nothing stacks up against this masturba-piece. Nothing. Butterface has elements of Lovecraft, of Watson & Crick, of Stephen King, of me (yeah, I said it – Callie’s my girl, and this is my blog, so I can say anything I want), of Shakespeare (yes, her ear for dialogue is that good), and other shit that just isn’t coming to mind cause I’m a dunce and haven’t had coffee yet. Now, as awesome as Butterface is, some other books have also been absolutely fucking awesome. I cannot list them all but here are a few that I have just recently read, from authors who truly know how to turn a phrase.
Ashlee Shades (aka Ashlee S. Hades, the devilish one) Blind Sensations
This was a great book.
This is the second book of Ashlee Shades that I have read and I quite enjoyed the focus on the senses. There are a few bits of tense trouble but otherwise the prose is polished and the story is captivating. Samantha endures horrible blind dates and then starts on her blindfolded-with-a-total-stranger journey that is very hot and quite interesting. The character goes on a strange date that leads her to drive to his mansion (err, castle) to be led into an empty room by a butler and willingly put on a blindfold before she meets her “date.” I would have liked Samantha, the main character, to have asked the mystery man more questions. Even if they were just in her head I think that could have added to the strangeness and anxiety of wearing a blindfold for the first time, but maybe that’s just me. I’m weird. I’m sick. I’m wonderful. The way Ashlee wrote it, I enjoyed the sensory deprivation a lot, and thought this was the strongest part of the book. The sex (or sense) scenes were captivating. Ashlee really wrote some awesome sexy bits.
The ending was telegraphed early on in the book, but I still found reading to its conclusion to be a ton of hot, steamy fun. Shades has a way with words. By limiting the character’s sight she really enhanced the writing, the atmosphere, and the senses. The plot took a back seat to the fun.
The book left me quite satisfied. I highly recommend it. Surely there will be a part 2 soon and I’m looking forward to it. As I edit this post to publish it I realize that part 2 is already out. I’m too slow to keep up!
July Cumming Wet and Naughty First Times Bundle
This book starts with a couple stories that are hot first timers. Please don’t take my speed of covering the first two stories to be a sign that they are weak, they most certainly are not, it’s just that story 3 in this collection may be the best short story written in 2015.
Let’s back up to story one for a moment. There’s a sexy little vixen in the first one that sent me right over the edge. I mean, it has all the taboos of underage and overstimulated. Without getting us on an FBI’s most wanted list lets just say there may be a bit of subtle coercion in this one.
I read the second one in the haze of a post-self-coital romp (thanks, July!). The title suits this book perfectly, there are different naughty first times but the last story really ramps the theme up into a frenzy that could be titled “So Very, Nearly Illegally, Past the Point of Naughty First Times.” The first two stories are quality: hot and naughty and quite satisfying reads. They show that Ms. Cumming has earned her name. Then there story 3: fucking genius! It is a tale about a certain boss [I like to think of the name as a group of tall, smart, brave women (Hint: also a river and rainforest)] who manipulates an erotica writer into coming into his posh office. This short story will blow the buttons off your blouse. Holy shizzayt what a story! It’s funny and hot and insane and nasty and barely legal and brilliantly features a layered, larger than life robe-wearing CEO we all know too well and love to hate and hate to love. The play on our personal relationships with this diva CEO makes it all the more real, fun, and goddamn spectacular. This story is Stephen King meets Jade Marcela. It’s Steve Jobs dominates the world of Hip Hop Cinematography with all off Snoop Dogg’s hookers and hos. Explaining the power of this plot is like taking a drop of water and explaining hydroelectric power. Sorry, I would love to play spoilers but, oops, the drink in my hand just squirted all over me. Guess I was too excited so you’re just going to have to read this erotica tour-de-force for yourself. If you like hardcore smut you’re going to find nirvana. I did.
Excuse me while I clean up.
Linzi Basset His Cherished Sub
Many of you may be familiar with Linzi’s world of BDSM clubs and a syndicate. I was not. I started with His FBI Sub and then started on His Cherished Sub. My first impression is that Linzi knows two things really well. She knows how to write and how to get readers excited. Her writing ability is top-notch and the editing of the book is superb.
It doesn’t read like most of the erotica out there. The prose is very polished which makes the sex scenes all the more powerful. Also, Linzi understands really sexy characters. If her main female Kendra were in my office, legs spread on my desk, while I typed this I’d definitely be knee-deep in her buttery pussy. She was irresistible. The men are pretty hot as well. For a male reader they are the kind of guys I’d like to have a few shots with and high five during a gangbang. Linzi writes men quite well. Very sexy. Very cool.
The plot is that Kendra doesn’t really want to be involved in this club but thanks to being cash-strapped finds herself as an assistant and a pole-dancer (hot, right?). From here she immediately falls for and catches the attention of Z, one of the studs of the club. Z, short for Zander (yes, I’m thinking Xander Crews, too! Where’s Killface?) can’t believe he’s falling for any piece of ass and makes it his first mission to break this jaded little hot bitch. The thing is the more he tortures her, and he does torture her (orgasm deprivation, bondage, obedience, ball gags, etc), the more he finds himself falling for her.
I don’t want to spoil the twists and turns any more than I already have. The plot is pretty intricate with characters having more than a Club Alpha Cove Persona. They have dynamic lives, backgrounds, and jobs. This is all a testament to the fact that Linzi can really write. She has a her ear to the pavement for realistic dialogue, and an amazing sense of character. As I read before cracking open the first book, her command of the English language is not what we’ve come to expect from the average erotica writer. Linzi could be writing in any genre, including fine literature.
Read Linzi for yourself. You will be blown away.
Callie Press Butterface
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Review of Callie Press – How to Give Good Head & Butterface | She’s so nice I reviewed her twice @CalliePress #LPRTG
I am reviewing two Callie Press books in one post. Why? Cuz I wanna. It’s my blog site and I’ll do what I want. I’ve been messing around on Goodreads like a teenager feeling up his first set of tits while hiding in the back of the bus from the Godly Army. It’s awkward and weird and there’s sticky stuff all over the back of the seat, so I’d prefer to put my words down here free from the shackles of censorship and the Godly Prude Army.
Butterface is gonna git ya
The plot is basically this, boys that haven’t gotten their peckers wet yet are going to die. In fact, they are going to get fucked to death. There’s this boogiewoman, this succubus, that wants their teen jizz. She will fuck their brains out, literally, leaving drooling, non-coherent fucknuckles in their used up, once virile bodies. One weird, very deliberate choice by Callie to add to the inbred feel of the book is to give just about all the characters virtually the same name, like Jimmy Bob and Billy Jimmy and Billy Bob. The names plus this homoerotic fishing hole with jizz floating in the water leads you into the tale told mostly from the heresy of Old Pap. Without jizz, the primordial protein, we wouldn’t be alive and this is the theme that makes Butterface so much more than a Halloween tale. It’s a history of the universe, it’s a creation story, it’s a Cthulhu myth, and it’s a hot, nasty panty-wetting, titty-rubbing, cock-hardening literary porn erotica opus.
No more plot spoiling, that’s close enough to the verge for me to elicit a little gooey pre-cum but not one glistening drip more.
The thing that’s remarkable in this book is the voice. The narrator’s voice is as polished as a million-dollar pearl while the characters sound like something out of a Faulkner masterpiece. In the first few pages you’ll hear that Callie has an incredible ear for dialogue, particularly the speech of these inbred country folk. It’s so intense I couldn’t help think, even though I know she’s a genius, that she couldn’t keep it up (yes, I’m giggling) for the whole book. But, holy hard-on, she keeps it up and rock hard the whole fucking book. It’s unlikely. It’s improbable. And she does it. Along the way, she tells quite a tale of star-crossed lovers sacrificing for each other, a horny old man making a deal with a she-devil, and a bunch of dumb innocent virgins making horrible decisions thanks to inbreeding, religion, and too much mercury in the water.
Don’t listen to a word I have put down here, everything I’m trying to say is too lubed up and skewed by my ejaculate and the sublimity in Callie’s erotic work of art. Just read it, get it straight from the source.
Quick before butterface come an’ git ya.
Buy Butterface (mouse-over for different amazon stores in different countries and languages)
Want to have more Callie Press fun? Find out how menstrual blood can build universes
+++Quiz about Callie+++
The Chamber-Pot Prince
by Callie Press
A very naughty fairy tale for grown-ups
Callie made my acquaintance with something like this on twitter: I see you’re bogged down with the annoyance of bothering with plot in your writing. So naturally I was in love and had to read some of her work. Boy, am I glad, girl.
Callie has written a “dirty” story set in an ancient fairy tale land that is literally dirty thanks to some anachronistic burritos, an evil step mom, and a lewd chamber pot (click the link to learn about the wonderful world of arinolas, jordans, jerrys, or piss pots as they have been called).
Libby is the name of the princess with evil step mother. Callie says, “She’s basically me, but tall and blonde. I’m short and a redhead.” Yes, the author’s a redhead everywhere, perverts. I had to ask too. Everywhere. If you’re familiar with Walmart, you may have noticed Libby is named after some canned vegetables. I’ve miss out on Walmart, sadly, so I didn’t make that connection. No matter because Libby’s got big, beautiful tits, a perfect apple ass, and loves sucking dick. Yep, she’s the heroine of this erotic tale.
In the novelette, Libby’s been reprimanded by her step mom and has to clean the chamber pot which is overflowing with the nasties that a chamber pot gets filled with over the course of the days. When Libby starts to clean the pot, the story takes on its first of many twists. The chamber pot can talk and tells Libby that he’s really a rich, handsome man under an evil enchantment at the hands of an evil witch. A passionate kiss will release him, he says. Libby decides, disgusting or not, she should take the plunge and get the prince out of the chamber pot. What ensues is a lot of fun and more surprising than your average girl meets boy, girl fucks boy, girl is happy erotica.
I won’t provide any spoilers but I will tease you with this: the more she tries to suck the Prince out of the Chamber Pot the more she finds an ever-growing, meaty part of him. Libby also finds a way to unveil her firm yet huge maidenly tits.
If you like literary porn with a real dirty twist, this story by Callie Press should be on your kindle.
More about Callie:
Find her @calliepress on Twitter
Next on my list by Callie Press is Dominating Donna
Visit Naughty Book Snitch to see awesome GIFs that sum up Mindy’s emotional reaction to Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired
I’m quite happy with this review that I got from Mindy at Naughty Book Snitch.
This is a review/commentary with partial spoilers (but if you’re like me you don’t read Erotica only for the plot, so who cares?)
Wow! It’s like this story was lurking on the roof the whole time but I never noticed. I mean, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked up at gargoyles up there on a building and not paid them much mind. Well, turns out these gargoyles are attention whores and if a hot face fucking catholic schoolgirl fucks her boyfriend in front of them, they’ll be damned if they don’t get a piece of ass for themselves. This is the basic premise of Underneath the Gargoyles, the seminal work of the deep, wet mind of Christina Harding (find her on twitter @TinaErotica where she is an avid re-tweeter and follower-back).
Great book for fans of Catholic Girls, Priests, Gargoyles, and Supernatural Sex
If you like Catholic School Girls getting stuffed with big hard marble and want to know how to make a gargoyle purr then you need to read this exquisitely naughty and creative novelette. There is a bit of masturbation, some vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend sex, some young girl/older man sex, and then the fantastic supernatural creature sex. If you like any of these themes, then you’re in for a treat. Christina writes each scene well and the short novel builds toward its grand climax. Without ruining the ending for you, it seems that to make a gargoyle purr like a little kitty you need to lick balls, stretch around its marble cock, and take its cum-hosing.
A pretty choir girl named Trisha is out to find herself some sexual trouble from the get go. She’s rubbing herself in a church pew, then taking her boyfriend outside, then being baptized by the priest (but not with holy water), and then the piece de resistance: the gargoyles, I’m not going to spoil this part for you. I thought this was the climax. The novelette gets really hot, sticky, and sweaty while crawling around in the cobwebs of your mind. It’s got a sensual foundation that is really essential to make the gargoyle scene work. While reading I could feel the warmth of a gargoyle tongue and the hardness of its mammoth marble cock. Don’t let me tell you, have a look for yourself.