Sex Tip No. 13 – How to Score an Awesome Book Boyfriend in Real Life

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How to Score a Book Boyfriend In the Flesh

Three Cockish Tips to Get the Man of Your Dreams to Appear in front of your Eyes

It has come to my attention that 60% of the women out there would prefer a book boyfriend to a real one. That’s an interesting fact. I started thinking about why I have fucked so many women and something occurred to me. I usually try to have a deep conversation with a woman who I am meeting for the first time. I want to meet ‘on the level.’ Usually, though, I find she’s not up to the task and then change gears to just trying to take advantage of her, which she is often game for. It’s almost like fucking is easier than talking. However, on the rare occasions when the two meet, you have a sizzling chemistry. I think that’s really what most of the women out there are looking for, the meeting of brains and brawn in one package. Well, from what I spy looking around, achieving that is a two-way street and, while men are sometimes to blame for dropping the ball, there are things you women can do better too. Here are three easy steps to finding a man as great as your ideal book boyfriend in the flesh: read, share, and eliminate the noise.

You need to read. The things is, when I look around FB most people are just reading the same old tired genre fiction. Yes, I look down on that (and, yes, I know there are exceptions). You need to expand your horizons and actually read stuff of merit. I write erotica. I know it’s crap. I can vouch for that (check the book shop here to verify). I’m not saying every erotica book isn’t worth reading. Many books are great. However, to feed the soul and become the kind of woman that a great man wants, takes a little more than reading a series of one wank wonders (as enjoyable as each may be). Read some philosophy, read some scientific treatises, read some literature. One of the reasons I am such a slow reviewer is that I read one erotica for every ten to fifteen other books I read. I like science (if you don’t know where to start, try Watson & Crick’s Double Helix, science-fiction (try Foundation by Isaac Asimov), and literature (try Cosmicomics by Italo Calvino) the most, but there’s a wide range of topics to read.

Next, to score yourself an amazing book boyfriend in the flesh, you’ll need to share posts (particularly my posts for maximum browning points). Share other writers, share what you love. Share good stuff. And cut out this inspirational bullshit (see B.A. Ro’lyin for what NOT TO DO, lol. Sorry, babe!). Being cute won’t get you jackshit in this life filled with assholes, backstabbers, and republicans. You need to be a hustler making moves. You need to actively employ that genius. You need firepower on the tongue and chili powder in the soul. If you prepare your brain-soul-loin connect properly, you don’t need some bullshit meme to tell you how to live or encourage you to keep doing what you already know. Not if you’re a smutpunk. And I know you’re a smutpunk, or why the fuck else would you be on this blog reading this shit? Right!? So get to it, share smutpunk and romance and all the good shit you love and build your network.

Last, cut the noise. Facebook is a good example of how there’s so much noise out there that seems okay that you may not even notice it is bad for you. There’s fake news, contradicting half-baked memes, religious quotes, romantic posts, and other complete mumbo jumbo. You scroll quickly through and think it isn’t infecting your brain, but it is. It’s a fucking virus. Beware! My advice, if you want to make a deep connection with a person that is rewarding mentally and physically, is shut the noise down and concentrate.

I’m not sure this really constitutes a sex tip. Maybe I have this in the wrong category. In fact, I’m not sure this is a tip at all. Maybe it’s a life hack. Maybe it’s a note to self to focus. I guess the point is that a book boyfriend (or girlfriend, of course) isn’t going to come to an undeveloped person. You need to cultivate what you are. Let me help.

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Sex Tip No. 12 – Spanking

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Sex Tip No. 12 – Spanking

Part of the Weekly Sex Tips Series

Spanking has been around for a very long time. So although we haven’t invented it, we can certainly enjoy it whether you are spanking or being spanked.

The key to spanking is to develop a soft spank. There will be time for hard spanking later, if your partner can take it and likes it, but first there needs to be a soft spank. Start by caressing the ass. That’s the main thing before spanking hard. You want to sneak up on that ass after a good caress, and THWACK! But not too hard. You can scare your partner half to death, so BE GENTLE!

Wait wait, pump the brakes, let me make some obligatory comment: Before Striking Anyone’s Big Phat Fine Booty, get their consent. 

Good Girl Spanking

Now, let’s get into the blurry lines of pain and pleasure, of power and sex. Many woman are attracted to men in suits or men with (or who appear to have) money. Why is this? Power. Money is a symbol of power. Nothing turns most people on more than taking or giving power, based on that person’s personal needs/desires. Spanking is a transference of power. The one spanking has the power. The one being spanked is giving the power. The spanker in good girl spanking is often the guy fucking the girl from behind and slapping her ass while she’s in that ass-sexy doggy style position (see last week’s post about properly arching the back, ladies!). Spanking during doggy style is a good girl spanking. She’s getting fucked hard. There’s no seeing each other’s faces, she feels like an animal and the spank is a kind of powerful way to remind her—giddy-up—to move faster and really push back on that dick. It’s a way for the person spanking her and fucking her to say, good girl. Of course there’s a little more to it than simply one giving and one taking, but for this short post I’m not going to get into the deep and muddy waters of how the submissive is really in control and all that acid jazz. For this post, the one spanking is taking charge.

Bad Girl Spanking

However, spanking doesn’t have to be a good girl confidence boost. It can be a punishment. Spanking can be a more of a bad girl ritual. You can get her in a slutty outfit and use some paraphernalia like crops, whips, and paddles to punish your partner for bad behavior. You may still want to caress that ass a little bit first to warm it up before dishing out your punishment, but ultimately you are meant to cause pain and to keep your disobedient slave in line. This can be a punishment for not following orders, for dressing incorrectly, or anything up you dream up.

Some stats:

60% of women like to be spanked!

Pain and Pleasure Come from the SAME receptors int he brain (if you’re reading this blog, my guess is that you already knew that. SMUTPUNK up, baby!)

 

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Correct Position for Doggy Style Sex – Pinterest Version

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Correct Position for Doggy Style Sex

These are Moctezuma Johnson’s Weekly Sex Tips Cosmo Just Doesn’t Have the Balls to Give You

The Proper Way to Arch Your Back during Doggy Style Sex

Yep that’s the right way to do it (see photo to the right — or above or wherever it lands on your device). Of courseideally her head should be in the carpet with a foot on her head and her lips wrapped around a toe, unless there’s a second cock, in which case her lips should be tightly gripping the base of said second cock. She should have her ass high up in the air and her lower back in a concave shape. She should NOT have her lower back in a convex shape. Bad. In other words, if the man fucking her from behind were to drop a toy car down her ass crack it would ramp down her spinal canal to her lower back and then shoot up her shoulder blades and jump in the air. If she’s in the correct position when he pulls out and jizzes on her back, the cum will form a pool on her lower back. It will not drip off like vanilla sauce on a chocolate scoop sitting atop a cone.

That’s the correct position for doggy style sex, not this lame trembling cat stretching pose. It’s amazing how unsexy a little convex lift of the lower back is. An arched back is pure sex appeal. So, ladies, men, transgenders, get in the right position when taking a good fucking from behind.

This position is also the correct position to be in when sucking cock of someone seated on the couch. This position gives him a gorgeous view of your ass. Remember, the visual is half the fun of a good blowjob.

This position is also the correct position for looking for loose change under the couch when scrounging money for cigarettes.

Note: Any photos emailed to me of the correct position will receive a complimentary prize. If you don’t have my email address, please get it at my mailing list.

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SEX TIP No. 6 – Role Play | Post Made for Pinterest and Twitter Sharing #LPRTG

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SEX TIP No. 6 – Role Play

I’m the King of Spain and you’re a captured Moor wife thrown into my harem!dickheader7-5

Don’t just get on top of each other and pump. Give a little historical context to the thing. Maybe you’re the professor and she’s the slutty student. Maybe she’s the Queen of England and you’re an attendant. Maybe you’re a beast and she’s your weak, defenseless prey. Maybe you’re the priest giving her a naughty, nasty, masturbatory penance. Spice it up by playing some roles. At XXXmas time make her a naughty girl and good santa or vice versa, as well as some elf-punks getting jiggy on the rooftops. Love trains, how about making her strip and lean against the column in the subway system and giving her backshots?

You really can’t go wrong with a little roleplay.

Something about leaving your own constrictions has enormous, exponential freedom attached to it. I highly recommend you pretend to be me and have the time of your life. Oh yeah. Have yourself a SMUTPUNK spree. Read the books and apply reenactments liberally.

Next Tip: Sex Tip #7 – Sexual Bagpiping

Previous Sex Tip: Homemade Porn – Sex Tip No. 5 – Camera Placement for Home Porn

sunshine_cunt2f7573d2c26dfd78c90340046d071d05044c4b8a0a1f2ab5bdb0ffc71ddf1e7eeSmutpunk-Cthulhu-Sci-Fi

StayWetForever"TheFountain"ofYouth

Stave off menopause by Reading MJ’s Smutpunk. If you don’t, your vagina may dry right up. Play it safe and read.

Andreja Karba Naked Air Stewardess Stripping Out Of Her Uniform On An Airplane For Playboy www.GutterUncensored.com 001 baseball player face fuck

Sex Tip #11 – The Proper Way for Ladies to Arch their backs during doggy style

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correct-position-for-doggy-styleCorrect Position for Doggy Style Sex

These are Moctezuma Johnson’s Weekly Sex Tips Cosmo Just Doesn’t Have the Balls to Give You

The Proper Way to Arch Your Back during Doggy Style Sex

Yep that’s the right way to do it (see photo to the right — or above or wherever it lands on your device). Of courseideally her head should be in the carpet with a foot on her head and her lips wrapped around a toe, unless there’s a second cock, in which case her lips should be tightly gripping the base of said second cock. She should have her ass high up in the air and her lower back in a concave shape. She should NOT have her lower back in a convex shape. Bad. In other words, if the man fucking her from behind were to drop a toy car down her ass crack it would ramp down her spinal canal to her lower back and then shoot up her shoulder blades and jump in the air. If she’s in the correct position when he pulls out and jizzes on her back, the cum will form a pool on her lower back. It will not drip off like vanilla sauce on a chocolate scoop sitting atop a cone.

That’s the correct position for doggy style sex, not this lame trembling cat stretching pose. It’s amazing how unsexy a little convex lift of the lower back is. An arched back is pure sex appeal. So, ladies, men, transgenders, get in the right position when taking a good fucking from behind.

This position is also the correct position to be in when sucking cock of someone seated on the couch. This position gives him a gorgeous view of your ass. Remember, the visual is half the fun of a good blowjob.

This position is also the correct position for looking for loose change under the couch when scrounging money for cigarettes.

Note: Any photos emailed to me of the correct position will receive a complimentary prize. If you don’t have my email address, please get it at my mailing list.

More Sex Tips

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Sex Tip #10: Talking Dirty in Bed

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Talking Dirty in Bed

Talking Dirty is Definitely an Art Form

Some people are quiet in bed, some people are talkative. Some people love dirty words! Some people are easily offended. Before you let the dirty talk rip, make sure you’re in bed with another smart, curse-loving degenerate like yourself! 

You’re a dirty cunt! And you love every minute of cock stretching you out.

There’s a good example of what I like to say to my wife in the sack. I wouldn’t say she’s quite a curse-loving degenerate but damn the bitch nasty once her titties out. So, once you get yourself in the company of a nasty fucker, be sure to find pet names for you and your partner(s). Some of the most common are Master, Daddy, Mistress, Goddess, Kitten, Horse Cock, Super Squirter, Cunt, Bitch, Slut, Cum Rag, Nut Drowner, Butt Raper, Bottom Pig, etc. There are also all kinds of pet names for your partners so I won’t go into a super long list here, but if you need more please ask in the comments below and add your favs.

I like to call my wife slut and have her do degrading things like lick my asshole, swallow my cum, and finger herself while I squirt her in the face with a water-gun filled with vanilla yogurt. Tonight I got up behind her on the parlor floor and she told me she felt useless until she had cock in her. That was fun for me. Everybody is a bit different and the only thing that’s really a must is that you really lay it on. You can’t kind of do. You need to ask him to break your uterus and drown you in seventy-three cumblasts, don’t say merely “make love to me.” Now, get up in that ass. Tell him you want to fill the bathtub with jizz and slide around. Hyperbole is sexy. Tell her you’re going to pound that ass until it bleeds and then feed your dick to her when it’s all nasty. 

Like Chris Rock says, “you can’t say, excuse me ma’am…I have a request, would you lick my balls.” No. Wrong. You have to grab her and with authority say, “lick my balls, bitch!”

My most successful come-on, no joke, is simply: Kneel down, whore! Sometimes I whisper this gold nugget to chicks that I hope to sleep with at really inopportune date moments, like waiting on line at the movies, or when she’s talking to a girlfriend of hers in a restaurant or at the bar. That sets the tone for my intentions and plants the seed. I also say it to women I’ve never spoken to. I’ll go around a club and say that to fifty women. Often fifty will look at me like I’m nuts (which I love!) and then I can either backtrack and start a normal conversation since the ice is broken or she says something to the effect of, “fuck off creep!” to which I go into my “Oh you’re to good for me to talk with speech” which is a real winner (email me if you’d like the script). You may be thinking, what the fuck? MJ’s crazy. But I’m not. The world is crazy. I’m sane for noticing. See, I’ll show you I’m sound as a pound. I used the number fifty for a reason. If I ask fifty women something I may get shot down by every single one of them, but if I ask one hundred women (especially in a place with alcohol) to do anything (and, yes i mean anything) I will get a yes. I’m not saying they will all say yes. Oh no. Not all, but one out of one hundred will be kneeling down in the bathroom after a drink. Go ahead try it.

 

Some Great Promotions that I Completely Stand Behind (and in front of):cinnamoan-moctezuma-johnson-adult-shop

Can’t get enough dirty talk from your partner? Then check out Bree Olsen Talking Dirty to You. Simply upload her sexy voice to your Smart Phone, MP3 player, Music Library, Tablet, CD player or anywhere you listen to music and enjoy the aural fantasy guaranteed to rock your world! Play it discreetly or as loud as you want.

 

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Sex Tip #9 – The Art of Pleasuring Yourself

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Sex Tip of the Week – The Art of Pleasuring Yourself

It seems simple enough. Touch yourself in the way that brings you pleasure. While that is true there’s a way to make it a bit more exciting and I don’t mean by sitting on your hand until it goes numb so you feel like you’re being touched by a stranger. The key to pleasuring yourself properly is, don’t just give in so easily. I mean what fun is a roll in the hay when you don’t have to chase the person for at least a little bit. The quest from being turned down to lowering the panties is where most of the thrill is! Right? Of course, so don’t be so easy with yourself. Don’t just plop down, spread your legs, and start rubbing that sweet little nub. Give yourself a little show. Make yourself work a bit to get you. Be the hunter. Be the hunted. What fun is Luke Skywanker’s journey without the evil Lord ‘Bater in his way? So as your hand slides down to give yourself a little sugar, slap it away with that other hand and admonish, “Hey, I’m not that kind of girl.” Now your blood should quit festering like a New York City puddle infested with West Nile mosquitoes and start running like the Usumacinta River. Now that you’ve got your attention, give yourself a little slap. Nothing to draw blood, unless that’s the only way to get your juices flowing (in that case, slap the hide off yourself), but more of a push pull with yourself. Now you can start pleasuring yourself, but don’t just bring yourself to orgasm, tissue off, and call it a day. Nope. Get yourself right up to the precipice and stop. That’s right, stop. Leave yourself there, you naughty tease. “Don’t stop,” tell yourself. Then say, “What a desperate little bitch you are,” to yourself. I really believe in speaking honestly with myself and you should get in the practice of being honest with yourself. “You’ll just die if I don’t make you cum, huh?” That’s right, tease yourself. Now bring yourself to the verge of orgasm again. STOP! Yep. One more time, don’t give in to your greedy self. You stay strong, baby! Now I want you to touch yourself with all that pent up passion. Jack- or Jill-off with gusto! Rip past any roadblocks now and let that orgasm cascade over you. It will be much stronger and more satisfying since you resisted your desperate self a little bit.

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Some Great Promotions that I Completely Stand Behind (and in front of) since they are all tip top for pleasuring yourself! 

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Sex Tip #8: Brains are Sexy – How to be positively PHAB!

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Sex Tip #8 – Big Brains are Sexy. In fact, they’re PHAB! 

Big, veiny, wet brains. Yum. There’s nothing hotter than a chick with a big, sexy brain. I’ll take brains over big tits, big ass, or anything. But not everybody is blessed with a big brain, so what can you do to make your brain smarter (yes, there are things).

Read, but don’t read shit. Read good stuff like literature, various news sources (most outside of the US if you want to avoid the propaganda machine), learn languages, learn music, master sports, cook, practice tantric sex, flirt, talk with people, and listen. The same way a hot ass chick with a big, thick ass that doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it does squats religiously at the gym you should be putting that brain to study. In 2016, being an idiot was en vogue but that shit has to stop. I mean it. Stop chuckling. We are on the verge of World War III with these fucks in power. Climate change could kill us all. Nuclear weapons can obliterate us at the turn of a key. MJ, do you always have to be so serious? Can’t we just chill? Sure we can chill, but me, I only want to chill with people who are smart and often find myself all alone. I know you big brained fuckers who love to drink, curse, and fuck are out there, but there are fewer and fewer of us. Today’s people can’t even tell real news from fake news. I mean, some moron bust into a pizza shop down the road demanding to see the children in the basement. The place has no basement, let alone no children in a Hillary Clinton Sex Sweat Shop Scheme. This fucker was armed (only in America! I tell you!) and even after being arrested and told the truth couldn’t process the thing. You know what I say: Bullshit is Truth, Truth Bullshit.” But this isn’t acceptable. Nothing sexy about that nut. But the thing is, although he’s extreme, people are unable to differentiate fact from fiction. They don’t grasp sarcasm, have no idea what metatext or context is, and don’t think critically. These are essential skills for a forward thinking world. So I’m sorry that I had to take a break from teaching you how to relax your throats and swallow cock because we are all getting throatfucked by governments worldwide and I think it’s time to say so. There’s plenty you can do but if you’re not learning anything at the moment, shame on you. You’re part of the problem. So be sexy. Put down the erotica and the crappy bestsellers and try something worthwhile: Think. It may be illegal soon.

 

ASIDE:

Big Sex Phat Ass Brains are sexy. “Man, she’s just PHAB,” says a dude in the bar. “What are you gay?” his buddy says elbowing him in the rib. “I ain’t gay, he says. She’s PHAB, got a Phat Ass Brain!”

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What Sex Tip Would You Like to See MJ Cover Next?

Moctezuma Johnson, Ruler of Literary Porn and Weird Shit that Makes him Laugh

What Sex Tip Would You Like to See MJ Cover Next?

I thought it was about time to open this little weekly tip up to you guys on my blog. Feel free to name the kink(s) you would like me tackle like steroid-laced power hungry president-elect on an unwitting actress and I promise I will look into writing them for the next tip. Also, if you have any kinks that you would like to guest post about, let me know.

Thanks! I look forward to your answers and comments. I think when I interact with you my writing really takes off. One of you awesome depraved fuckers suggested I write about bagpiping and that worked out pretty well, huh?

Sex Tips: This Week’s Topic is Sexual Bagpiping | Sex Tip #7

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Sex Tips help you maintain a healthy and happy life

I give you the tips Cosmo and your Priest are too timid to reveal

This may be new to a lot of people, it once was to me, but then I watched a lot of Japanese goo porn which opened up some new avenues for me. The wonderful thing with lotion play, or goo, as I like to call it, is that it changes the friction levels of our bodies in such a way that just about every part of the body becomes penetrable. So you once laughed at nasal sex, aural sex, elbow crook sex, back of the knee sex, and armpit sex? Well laugh no more! Because bagpiping is here and it’s en vogue, perverts. Why is sticking cock into an armpit called bagpiping? Bagpiping is named after the fact you use one arm to squeeze the “bladder” of the bagpipes. When a cock is nestled between arm and tit, she will use the same squeezing action to pleasure the penis. In fact, this is more pleasurable than tit-fucking, especially if the chick has small tits that are more perky than porn-star sized. There are a few ways to increase the pleasure: oil and smushing cockhead against tits. The cock will come toward the meaty side boob and this is a nice feeling against the sensitive head of the cock, so make sure the cockhead gets acquainted with the side boob and spray on oil liberally. Don’t be shy, lube up the shoulder, armpit, side-boob, cockhead, and more. The more everybody is slipping and sliding the happier the cock will be.

FUN FACT – The inside part of the elbow is really called the “weinis.” Try not to chuckle.

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See some examples of women bagpiping:

8 armpit_cumshot-4_tmb girl-girl-boy bagpiping_sex_02 bagpiping_sex_03 c2ddd78958d7237dc92648a13a895a68-14 lyyousa milf_gets_her_armpit_fucked-4_tmb tumblr_mk55f7ptsq1s2a9pvo1_250