The Sex Manual – Read these sex tips for a flamethrower in the bedroom


The Sex Manual – Read these sex tips for a flamethrower in the bedroom


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The Sex Manual – Read these sex tips for a flamethrower in the bedroom

Why are you rubbing two sticks together in the bedroom? Get a flamethrower!

Ever wished your partner came with a small pamphlet on how to operate correctly? Well, now you have it. Moctezuma spent nearly a decade running a bar, writing erotica, and blogging. He gathered a lot of information. So you want to have mind-blowing sex but all you know is what your priest and Cosmo told you? You poor thing. Well, fret no more. Let Moctezuma Johnson share his research in this in-depth, self-help book. He has found out what’s plaguing most bedroom partners. It’s simply intimidation and insecurity. So many fans have asked him how to be better, sexier, and more experienced. Moctezuma speaks openly and honestly offering a series of very practical solutions for men and women. This non-fiction, how-to book is told with humor (a necessity for the bedroom) and compassion.

Whether male or female or transgender, The Sex Manual is the book you wish came with every person you’ve dated. Well, wish no more. It’s out, so add it to your kindle. Just the fact that you’re reading this description is proof that you’re ready to improve and you’re almost halfway there. This book will take you the rest of the way. It’s filled with ideas, game plans, tips, and list of clothing, toys, and poems to spice up your sex life.

A quick note about the Moctezuma Johnson “Brand Image”

These two chicks—is one Callie Press?—bend over and remove their panties (remember, smutpunkists, Moctezuma Johnson = remove your panties) to stare at Moctezuma lasciviously. Yep. We been doing a lot of talk about brand imaging and I clearly have no idea what the fuck any of it means. Some people say I’m bad for their brand image. I say it’s a matter or perception. You be the judge. Me? I’m going to keep doing my thing. If you dig it, let me know, please, because I mostly get to hear from the haters. Thanks, twitter!

What looks upside down to you is all a matter or perspective. Like the Chinese fortune cookie said to me yesterday: Example instead of Perception

What looks upside down to you is all a matter or perspective. Like the Chinese fortune cookie said to me yesterday: Example instead of Perception

Choose your own SEXcapade Mash Up Piece: G-strung | Choose your own kink | #LPRTG

CHOOSE YOUR OWN SEXCAPADE™ is a pulpy erotic read about you and for you in which you can choose what happens next


You missed your chance to Pre-Order 100% FREE but stay tuned for a similar offer for the Sex Manual coming out this Summer. Also, even though you cannot pre-order I’ll be happy to send you one free in exchange for a blurb so click “pre-order” and give your mailing address so I know where to send one.

Instructions: Just go ahead and read G-strung’s Custard Parade as you would any other book but when the main character “you” is left with some choices click the link to the choice you would most likely choose and then follow to the next part. If a choice you would love to make is missing, let me know in the comments below and I’ll scribble it down. This is an extensive, labyrinthine preview. Click here to Pre-Order the Complete Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade by Moctezuma Johnson completely FREE. Let’s begin, huh? 

G-strung’s Custard Parade

Your dick is out in your hand. It’s big but not fully hard. You know you have a big dick because when you’re not hard all the excess skin that will stretch out when the hormones fire and the blood flows is bunched up from under the mushroom head all the way back to the root, where the balls hang out like steroid-laced raisins. You pull the mushroom head and all that bunched up skin stretches. The blood is starting to flow. That’s because of who lies in front of you.

G-strung, as you all called her, was paid beforehand (they said) and lying face down on the white tile floor with her brown skin tight, taut, and hella fine. She was lying face down with her head in her hands. She was kicking her toes into the floor and laughing into her hands. She was cute a pink glittery button. No joke. She was. Her smile was the shit poets write about when sober. Her ass cheeks were two scoops of chocolate ice cream. If god gave out sample of her ass in little pink plastic spoons, damn, god would be popular. I don’t mean this American right wing popular I mean there would be lines trying to get in like heaven was a Haagen Dazs on a humid August day in Brooklyn. G-string was making a giggling and whining sound at the same time. The walls were white. She was feeling like she was in an insane asylum. She was kicking her toes into the ground like she couldn’t take it anymore. You thought she may have been cold, or too stoned. You looked down on her, not because she was brown and you were white. You were no racist and had dated Asians, Latinas, and other races, religions, and groupies for rival bands and sports teams before. You were open minded. They said you’d fuck anything with a pulse. You were that type, they said. They called you Sticky Rice, cause you liked Asian Chicks and admittedly jerked off rampantly. You were proud of it. Porn wasn’t something you hid. Anyway, although it wasn’t pejorative you did look down on G-strung. You looked down on her because she was lying on the floor with her beautiful ass smiling at you and you were standing over her. You had to look down at her. Now, you had to decide what to do next. You had choices. She was already paid, they assured you, and all yours. You had to take her. You could take her any which way you wanted. They say the world is your oyster, right? She was your clam. Here were your choices:


Choose your own SEXcapade © 2015 by Moctezuma Johnson 

*note – this is kind of a work in progress, any ‘sorry’ links will go live little by little (have patience with me, this was a huge undertaking! lol)

The Romance on Roller-Skates Series by Emme Hor @horbooks #MrBrtg #LPRTG

Love Office Chicks in Compromising Positions? Of course you do! Try more with Emme Hor’s Romance on Rollerskates Series








SMUTPUNK Kimchi Squat

Malaysian Big Tit Sexy Roller Skate Erotica by Emme Hor, the Asian SMUTPUNKist

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA — 19 MAY 2016 — Insiders are calling this series the Butt Plug Blues (title totally leaked by Moctezuma Johnson, retired smutpunk author) and singing it’s silly, sexy, smutpunkie praises. In each episode an Alpha Male leads Heather to end up with a butt plug up her ass. Somehow she’s always in micro-mini skirts or tight yoga pants and roller-skates. Can this Asian chick be any sexier? Well, the Alpha Male known as ‘That Fucker’ seems to think she can because he’s got a bevy of other girls’ anus’ butt plugs on display in his office on THE BUTT PLUG MANTLE. This cruel alpha, Heather’s boyfriend when the story starts, is out of control. HE’s so bad that Heather’s MILF mother Lana has to step in and help.

It all leads to a massive CLIMAX featuring BUTT PLUGS, ROLLER-SKATES, SKULL CANDY and much much much much smutpunkedly much MORE.

Peel Another Banana America | An anti-imperialism poem | #erotic #political #poetry #LPRTG

Read Moctezuma Smutpunk

Peel Another Banana, America

Aztec King / El Rey Azteca

Image by Davichi via Flickr

You love Aztec bitches
in their feathered headress
tattoed Teotitlan titties
hairless heiroglypic cunts
Today Tijuana has–
Meshica cunt shtuffed
full of obsidian cock–
Dress her up like an Aztec
in jaguar skin
to sacrifice at the altar
of thick Moctezuma cock
lay her on the stone
high atop pyramid
high on princess pussy
with King-sized cock
plunge that guatemalteca
like you were splitting her
in two, ripping her apart
to get her entrails out

splatter that tomato
chocolate- and coffee-inventing
face with dick drip
diciendo: “dame dame dame
todo el poder!”


Read the Rest of the Poem on the Full Poem Page, Sorry (I had some formatting issues and couldn’t get it all to paste here well)

Thursday in the Land of Literary Pulp Smutpunk

I love when “Amazon Customer” drops a surprise 5-star review on me. I’m glad somebody caught the humor and the sex appeal of this weird political satire smutpunk, Dump the Futa President.


In other news about myself, Triangulum Stain 2 – The Battle for Alien Relish came out of the gate with a bang and then settled back down to Earth (a long fall from the Triangulum Galaxy). I just wanted to pop back in with my fans with this sudden spike to 22nd in LGBT Science Fiction. Thank you whoever is suddenly buying it! Perhaps it’s in part due to the inquisitive and well-written Smutpunk Article by fantasy writer Jamie McLachlan.


Dump the Futa President

Literary Porn Smutpunk

Been messing around with Instagram and with xvideos and pornhub. Have a look at this vid about a Gay Mexican Alien who falls in love with presidential hopeful T. Ronald Dump.

Keep in mind Dump is the Futa President and they will Dump the Futa president. Both meanings are cool in this smutpunk romp.

Give it a read here and Latino Futa Presidential Smutpunk!

Tastefully Airbrushed for your Pleasure || What the fuck? Playboy, too? || A Guest Post by Callie Press | #LPRTG #EARTG #Playboy


I want to thank Callie for agreeing to post on my dirty little site. She’s got more balls than most men I know and also has big tits. In other words, she’s a hot, mental Futa! Let me introduce her and then make way for the juggernaut of smart that is Ms. Press. 

While Callie could barely type a word thanks to being as high as the Fuck Force Five flying to Planet Alien Relish I asked her to guest post because she was blowing my mind with these ideas that all the alpha males have gone with Joe DiMaggio and (Paul Simon is a prick by the way, unrelated) and that even Playboy — what? — has given up on nudity and fallen into the horrifying, sanitized, apathetic throes of censorship and handbag carrying pussy-men. 

GUEST POST: CALLIE PRESS (tastefully airbrushed for your pleasure) 

So I’m recovering from surgery and full of hydrocodone, which means I am tweeting endless insane DMs to MJ. As a result, when I ranted at least somewhat coherently on a subject, I got this DM in return:

Guest post for me please! Pretty please. Pretty no nudity in playboy and I carry a handbag please.

How can I refuse? That’s 3 pleases from MJ without even one mention of a gagging blowjob or a gaping ass fuck, so I know he really, really meant it. Besides, I’d do it for him if he asked me in any case, if I wasn’t totally absent-minded about things.

So this topic is Playboy removing nudity from the magazine. I know print is dying (I know it first hand, I used to make a living in the newspaper industry) and I guess they want to be more PC since Hef is finally aware he’s mortal. And I’m as feminist as anybody. All my life I’ve done what I wanted because that’s what men do and I didn’t care if someone said I couldn’t do something ‘because I’m a girl.’ I was never ashamed of enjoying sex even though it didn’t go over too well in my religious household or in the small towns we landed in once we left Detroit.

But won’t someone think of the CHILDREN? What kind of men are we making?

Hear me out. Yeah, porn is everywhere on the internet. And it’s trivial to hide looking at it, even if you have a prudish wife like in that atrocious and hysterically funny made-by-a-local-church movie “Fight” (trust me it’s HIGH LARIOUS). Or even if you just have a jealous wife like I can be sometimes. (I want all the attention by those who have a cock, it’s just how I’m made). And little girls and little boys both need some evidence that their dads have a pair, no matter what kind of a shrieking harpy their mother may be.

I found my dad’s playboys when I was probably 12, under the seat of his car. They were there, instead of in the house, because my mom has always been a…difficult person. And I looked at them and it didn’t traumatize me. I have older sisters; the anatomy wasn’t new, but the beauty of the anatomy was. And it made me think, wow, Dad likes women, and Mom can’t control him so much that he stops liking women.

It was a good thing to know. For a lot of men, sadly, it seems this is the closest they ever come to having a spine. For some men, as lame as it is, it’s the only sort of ‘rebellion’ or ‘alpha behavior’ they can ever manage to get away with. And did my Mom know he had Playboys? Of course she knew. Every woman knows. It’s like the only ‘boys will be boys’ thing that is really acceptable out of a man, at least after a few kids, for most women in this day and age. It’s that little spark of ‘bad boy’ that we can just knowingly smile about, even if we pretend to be offended. (Even if you are truly offended, actually.)

What's missing? Oh, my balls. Shit.

What’s missing? Oh, my balls. Shit.

Not any more though. Now if you want to see a tasteful naked woman, you have to do it on the internet. Yeah, that happens, right? Kids can’t learn about males’ natural drives in such an innocent and healthy way. Hell, the first time my husband ever saw a naked woman was when he found his dad’s cache of playboys…how many grown men can say the same thing? A lot of you. Someday that will be none. They’ll only get what they see on the internet, which is of course in a frantic race to reach the bottom. Tomorrow’s men won’t learn by seeing lovingly shot, carefully airbrushed, tasteful nudity. Their first glimpse of a naked woman will probably be stumbling on gangbang sites or something that really can dehumanize women who like sex. There’s no personal context unless it’s like fifteen seconds of the hot wife and hubby on the couch saying the same things as the last fifty couples who sat on the couch.

What it’s going to do is just neuter most men even more than they already have been neutered. I’m not saying I want a world full of alpha males, but this is the kind of thing that puts the boot on the alphas’ necks and makes betas out of them. The good men who happen to be alphas are stuck pretending not to be. The actual alphas that are left ‘in the wild’ are going to be the sociopaths, and it’s going to make women even more susceptible to them than we already are.

I want men to have the chance to buy their ‘dirty magazines’ or whatever and let their wives and girlfriends know, maybe you can TAME me, but you can’t CASTRATE me. I’m glad my hubby still has his god damn Carmen Electra issue, even if it makes me so jealous I want to slap her. If he isn’t enjoying how women look, he sure as hell isn’t enjoying how I look.

Let the boys look, for fuck’s sake. It’s good for everybody.


$. Callie $

Callie Press is the genius who created Butterface, as if you didn’t know that. Also, she be hot and gives great head.


Hell Hath No Fury like a Cum-Crazed Woman Scorned | #LPRTG #Erotica | Excerpt

Bukkake Hotel Asian Lesbian Porn

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a cum-crazed woman scorned

Jynx has been mistreated by MJ for a long time. She loves him so much she’ll give him anything he wants in bed, but he keeps cheating with other women. It’s more than that, he strings her along. He booty calls her after dates with other girls and fucks her in the ass before sending her back out to work disheveled and cum-stained. He also has taken to dating the supermodel Jenny. Jynx could handle MJ’s occassional pickup but a steady second girlfriend was too much. Jynx is desperate to destroy Jenny the supermodel slut who has been letting MJ up her ass like she’s his main pussy.

Excerpt of Episode3 of

Excerpt of Episode3 of

Episode One of Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired features Jynx’s main plan to humiliate and destroy Jenny. Jynx threatens to slice the bitch up and kneel on her corpse and suck MJ off. This plan backfires and she goes to plan B in Episode Two: Jynx drugged Jenny, tethered her to a parking meter and made her do incredibly nasty things.

Now, Jynx thinks she’s free of Jenny and is obsessed enough to mix MJ’s cum into her morning coffee. She’s obsessed, organized, and well-planned. However, she still hasn’t landed her man. Shehas employed the help of a gorgeous Russian-Korean nymphet with a tight body. MJ wakes up in episode 3 in a bus station tied to a wall and in the care of this gorgeous young girl. This episode reveals Jynx’s master plan to exact revenge on Jenny, which leads to a psychotown revelation in Jynx’s freezer.

Check out the experpt on the right here and then download episode 3 for free today and tomorrow to find out just how bat shit crazy Jynx can be!


Buy the Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired Season One

Get all four episodes in one inexpensive, convenient, literary porn bundle. Ask me if you’re interested in a Free Bundle in exchange for an honest review. I’m always looking for reviews, of course.