There has been a significant rise in the number of LPRTG Newsletter followers. Thank you to all the new recruits.
For those of you considering joining, consider this:
The other awesome success has been the rise in people buying directly from this site via paypal. It’s a great way for the reader to pay less for our books while the author gets the entire profit. It’s win win for both author and reader. Do take advantage. Visit the Book Shop and find titles that interest you.
Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade
Of course, the nude new news for MJ fans is that he’s crawled out from under a rock to pen the Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapade and is about to drop a How To book that will blow your fucking minds. It’s kind of my version of Callie Press’s How To Give Good Head. As you know, women kind of suck at giving head except for a few blesséd souls.
This one is about you. And, hot damn, are you sexy and up to your ears in pussy and problems. There’s chocolate sauce, there’s custard, there are bicycles handles in assholes, there are synapses soaked with dopamine, there is romance, a virgin touched by Allah, a hooker (well, they say she’s a hooker), and a cameraman in a Darth Vader mask telling you the intricacies of Gorilla Glue. What? Yep, there’s a hell of a lot of stuff, but YOU pick which option you want because this is a CHOOSE YOUR OWN KINK. That’s right! See the hot girls in pink over there? Click them to buy this amazing new pulpy erotic smutpunk.
Also, please leave a review. Even if you just write a word or “it was good!” I will be eternally grateful. Reviews rock! Reviewers rock! Rimmies rimmies!
Do you hear that? Right in the peripheral of your brain. Yes that. Like audio ghosts. What the…? What is that? Is that what I think it is, baby? Callie? Emme? Genevieve? Mama? Is that the funk? The Flashlight? the Mothership? How’s your Funk? la da da di da da da da da da da. Shit! Goddamn! Get off your ass and jam!
How’s your Funk-Entelechy? Me? Well, I’m known as lollipop man, aka the long-haired sucker, so not to0 funkin’ bad. Why are there stars in your eyes? All the better to funk you with.
Bernie Worrell, Dr. Woo, RIP, my funk brotha!
I was lucky enough to see Dr. Woo play over thirty times at various locations from small supper clubs to big concert halls. I was also given the amazing moment of meeting the band and chatting with them for hours, which I’ll obviously never forget. This man truly changed my life. Y’all may not know, some of you do, that I moonlight as a funk brother playing drums, keyboard, guitar, and bass depending on the funk. In fact, I didn’t have eyes on writing at all when I was younger. I was music all the way. If you’d like to know the truth, ask away. Until then, i’ll leave it shrouded in mystery. Listen to one of the greatest keyboard players to ever touch the planet Earth.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tL8shj6yx0 – Very cool jam with even the audience involved
Anything else to report these days? If so, let me know.
Ooh Ooh, nerdy girl editing by Jenn, the ex-Disney star. Try her out. She did the Choose Your Own Kink SEXcapades. She’s a genius. Any mistakes are mine, not hers. I’m the one who can’t edit worth shit. Click the link and see what she offers. Mention my name when you do.
And the last thing is there are a lot of new poems on this site by both me and my new super-crush Genevieve Greene.
A parting tweet to enjoy:
Princess Chuckhole v. Butterface | Clash of the #Cthulhu | #SSRTG #LPRTG #MRBRTG https://t.co/vKWicaAylU pic.twitter.com/R8GPTfcmfV
— Erotic Author RTG (@EroticAuthorRTG) January 16, 2016
As soon as you saw the custard over her asshole like that it was too much to take. You couldn’t contain yourself. The tip of your penis had to be over three hundred degrees Celsius. You leaned into her juicy ass cheeks and started biting her violently. She screamed and wiggled. She shouted. You kept biting, eating the custard as you sunk your teeth into her flesh. You held her hips in place as you bit her over and over again, leaving teeth indents all over her phat black ass. Some of them left red marks, some didn’t. You bit her and bit her and then couldn’t hold it back anymore and finally gave in and touched your bulging tumescence and unleashed your jizz all over her ass flesh, covering your hot bite marks in cum.
They sometimes call it Alien Relish. Cum. Splooge. Jizz. Baby Batter. Nut Butter. Gorilla Glue.
You had poured the custard right over her asshole. You were trembling with excitement. Your cock was out and you were involuntarily stroking it while you had your face buried in her solid ass cheeks. As soon as you saw the custard hit her asshole you couldn’t contain it. Your splooge jettisoned out of your cylindrical cock like a missile firing from a submarine. Your jizz mixed with the custard making a kind of cum-custard bi bim bap. All of this was happening to you rather than by you. You were merely watching in awe as you buttered her custard covered ass with your nut sauce. Your cock was on fire. You were nearly in tears with desire and joy. G-strung was taking your cum shot all over her gorgeous ass. Today was everything you had asked for!
You want to go back in and rape G-Strung? You dirty cunt! No, we don’t condone rape here. MJ stories go pretty damn far but that’s one line never crossed. You never really wanted to force her anyway, not against her will. You respected her, her religion, her ideas, and eyed this redhead and her massive tits. Damn, they were the size of your head. You would go up and talk to her, right?
You still want to rape G-strung (this could catch you in a loop)
You will talk to the Redheaded Queen (this will be available in the Kindle Version Only. Sorry, folks. I’m a cunt)
One of the beautiful things about Korea is that the building have open entrances and you can get off the street and into the stairwell. Her miniskirt was so short you could see her ass cheeks as she walked upstairs. You threw the doe-eyed Korean chick up against the wall. Her arms and hair sprawled out as she got her balance. Your dick went up her pussy instantly. You held nothing back. Although she was a stranger, very tight, and calling you “oppa”, you continued to pound her as hard as you could. She was getting fucked brutally hard but seemed to enjoy it. She was moaning so loud people on the street were looking up toward the stairs. It was a busy street with posh cafes, gyms, and restaurants. Nice cars were parked haphazardly on the sidewalks. This cunt stretched over cock and was pleasured so deep she screamed. At this point, you couldn’t hold back and nutted right inside her against all common sense, better judgement, and sanity. You deposited your seed right up this chick and then buttoned back up and walked away without turning back. This would be a good story to tell for you, a real sexual feather in your cap, this would be a deeply locked away secret for her, a sexual black eye.
There’s a yellow whore with long black hair and big doe eyes, a ginger chick with massive melons, and G-strung. What do you do?
Wait, what the fuck just happened. You were all into G-strung, romantically kissing and what not. Now what’s going on? Oh, your hormones, your sex drive, is running rampant. That makes sense. So you are walking the street like a hunter. You’re a caveman, scouring. Your eyes are darting. You see the sun, the skyscraper, the Hyundai, the girl on bicycle (nice ass!), the dude with the busted up teeth, and then you happen to see this skinny Korean chick in a miniskirt with legs like chopsticks or stilts that jam into her hips sexily with long flowing black hair and big seductive eyes and you want to stick your dick in her. You have that hungry wolf look and she senses it. You make eye contact. She senses that you want to devour her. You are prepared for her to look away while you visually-rape her, stuffing your big white dick into her tight wet Asian pussy. But she doesn’t look away. She’s not intimidated. She’s strong. In fact, she winks at you.
Now you feel like a little kid. You’re suddenly awkward. You don’t know what to do or say all of a sudden.
You look away. Across the street, you see two massive tits baked onto the never sun-kissed skin of a ginger tightly cleavaged. The woman on whom the tits are attached is wearing a gown with a slit showing her pale, supple leg. A corset pulls every ounce of her jiggly titties into a taut, tight rugged Victorian look. On her head, where she wears her red hair up in a bun that pulls every last stray hair away from her eyes, she wears a solid gold corona. What the fuck is this? Why is there a redheaded queen standing across the street?
You are ragingly horny. Which girl do you want to pursue…
You were about to cum!
Ugh, mmphhhhh, fuck, yes!
Your jizz was rising, your balls were warm and had stirred the ocean milk already. You were set to explode. You could bust it up her tight little asshole and make her know that you owned her, or you could pull out and stain her face with it, mark the brown whore with your white seed, or you could shoot it onto her anus from the outside and make a cum pool in her dark hole. The options swam around your brain and you pumped your significantly large cock inside her tight asshole until you couldn’t hold it in any longer and you exploded right up inside her fucking asshole. Her asshole was pulsing from pleasure and it closed around your cock on all sides. G-strung clenched, and this enhanced your orgasm dramatically so that you called out, “Mama! Sweet Mama, Jesus was a black baby!” as you felt god and the universe course through your veins heavenly. You could feel the walls of her rectum swimming with your cum. You were inside your own sloppy cum pool up her ass. Your dick rested in a delicious anal primordial soup and you collapsed down on G-strung and kissed the back of her neck as you drifted off to sleep.
No matter what you chose, you end up with the same basic conclusion. Life is hard and relationships never really work out. The only sensible thing to do is to buy a house in a mountain and not interact with another soul until you wither away and die and get eaten by your cats. But inevitably we try to get along with others, perhaps a husband or a wife or a family member and we end up fighting and not possessing the courage to really make any of this shit work. These are the breaks. So we SMUTPUNK. Cause united we stand, and unSMUTPUNK’d we fall.
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Lay on top of her and romantically kiss the back of her neck
You climb on top of her. “That feels so good honey. Gosh darn. If I wasn’t Allah’s honorable disciple I would let you ravage my pussy baby, but it’s best this way, it more romantic.” She really emphasized the word romantic disgustingly. “I could rape your ass at any time, hun. But I love you too much.” She giggled lovingly. You weren’t prudes. I mean, fuck. You were smart but just didn’t trust this world. You were different. You were raised in a different culture that demanded temperance. You were human and all sexed up and mostly expressed it through talking about it. You placed yourself so your dick was up her but crack, but you had on tighty whities and G-strung had on a g-string so you were all heavenly pure in that religious fanaticism kind of way that made your dick ultra-spiritually hard. Shit. You fit in G-strung’s crack perfectly and your pressure on her soft bulbous hardness felt insanely great. You could bake jizz cookies in her cunt oven you were so in love with her, but you would wait until it was god’s gracious goodness to gloriously, appropriately, and legally anally bake her chocolate cunt cookies. Instead of using your dick as a paddle in her cutely inappropriate cunt hole, you pressed your chest down onto her back without pushing too much weight onto her demure top half (how did this delicate torso hang onto that bad-ass booty of a bottom half, it was mathematically improbable), and buried your lips in her weave spread out over the nape of her neck like Hokkien noodles and kissed her tenderly until the hairs on her neck stood up. “Oh, honey, I love you. When we are married I will use my pussy like a washing machine over your cock. You’ll see. It will be the Kama Sutra’s Helicopter over the Congress of the Cow with a side of Splitting the Bamboo for you, baby.” You leaned forward and found her lips. You brushed some of her thick hair off her face and your tongues met and you French-kissed deeply. You were so on the verge of cumming. You could feel her engorged clit through the fabric between you. It was pulsing, trembling, a small sexual earthquake. She was humping the floor. You could just jizz so easily you thought of other things. You thought of pi, then of dirty toilets in the old train. Your orgasm subsided a tick, but it was still right there on the precipice. She climbed your tongue with an intense suction until she hung from the back of it, in your mouth, breathlessly. Then her hips stiffened. She went dead like a fish after it’s all flapped out. You increased the pressure of your cock in its undies in her ass crack and that released the cum-kracken. You spurted down her ass crack (in undies, of course. Safety first). “You’re the best,” she said and rocked until you fell off to the side of her and nuzzled up into her smelling her cocoa and coconut funk butter until you drifted off to sleep.
Unfortunately, not getting dick in pussy was making you go a bit mad. You couldn’t continue like this. You loved her but you needed sex. It was a biological fact. The more you thought about it the more you justified it to yourself. As you walked around town, every hot chick you saw was further proof that you would get yourself some ass by hook or by crook. You decided that she must feel the same way. In fact…