Good Morning, Pulp Army!
I’m jetlagged, up early with plans to work out brutally with a friend but it’s raining in New York City, so that’s cancelled. I should write, but I’m too foggy yet hyped up and just don’t feel like it. I’ll probably troll FB and make snide comments on lots of shit that irritates me (well, everything) and remix poems that drive me up a wall. Am I a dick?
In related news, if you troll my site you will see that I often hate my own poems. One of my professors once told me that Anne Sexton used to read her poems publicly with a pencil in her hand and cross stuff out and rearrange things as she read out loud. I think the poetic soul is restless, unsatisfied, and just generally surly. Mine is. The thing that seems to be constantly out of whack and even changing as the world grows and the universe reconsiders everything and nothing and cares deeply and apathetically is the rhythm. Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm. They say when buying a house or learning how to throw a fastball “location, location, location.” Well, I say two main things to myself when writing: one, “so what?” and two, “rhythm, rhythm, rhythm!”
Personally, I think writing poetry makes my prose flow better and activates it. It gives it energy and sizzle. I mean we write to entertain. Who wants flat and boring? I mean, outside of FB (teehee). I’m not sure if writing prose helps my poetry. Probably not. I think the only thing that would help my poetry is electric shock therapy, but I guess I’m not much of an artist because I’m not willing to make that kind of sacrifice.
So you’ve uploaded your book to Amazon but once you go to Amazon.com you see that the categories are not what you wanted. What now?
There seems to be a lot of confusion about categories on Amazon.
People often feel like their books are in the wrong categories, or they don’t know why they are in the categories they find them in. Below is a great resource to help you use keywords to land your book in the proper place. Being in the wrong category can mean less sales, reviewer complaints, and early onset erectile dysfunction in men and menopause in women. So beware and use the list below to find the categories that are best for your book.
The Category List on Amazon is a good resource about categories in Amazon. Use this list to find out what categories lead to which categories. This can be quite helpful.
**in case the link above is broken just copy and paste this into your browser: https://kdp.amazon.com/help?topicId=A200PDGPEIQX41
Get the vocabulary you deserve with the SMUTPUNK Lexicon
Scribes! Where have my scribes gone? Are they having a futa orgy again. A hyperfuta orgy. I need the scribes to organize and alphabetize this, please. Tell him as soon as he finishes eating his “soup,” thanks.
Alternate Facts – Some Bizarro Presidency Orwellian Double Talk. (See Sample)
Bagpiping – Using a chick’s armpit as a way to pleasure cock. She has to push down from the elbow in the same manner as pressing the bladder when playing the bagpipes. (learn more)
Black Swan – A term used to express an unlikely event that you may want to prepare for just in case it does occur. Example: Before the human race archived the black swan, people thought there was no such thing as a black swan. Most people incorrectly believed black swans were as real as unicorns. Now we know they do, in fact, exist. Stock market crashes, cataclysmic events, and things getting lodged up your ass and needing emergency room assistance may all classify as black swan events.
Bukkake – when a submissive woman is lucky enough to be worshiped by the splooge of many men. In ancient times she often committed suicide after all the men present jizzed on her to save her family shame. Now bukkakes are often accompanied by the transfer of large sums of money. Whether or not our very own Emme Hor has participated in one can be neither confirmed nor denied.
Dot-Connectors – People able to connect seemingly random, unconnectable ideas. Average Fuckers often mistake this awesome ability as random. Smutpunkists taste the awesome sauce in it.
The Five Hive – Also known as the Fuck Force Five, these ladies are highly trained Women in Black agents tasked with keeping the Earth safe from extraterrestrials. They are trained in advanced fucking, quantum physics, and rappelling down giant dildos.
Match of the Centuries – the epic battle between Butterface and Princess Chuckhole (See flyer)
Miss Lonely Hearts – This is the female straggler found in many bars and clubs who is pretty much good to go. Most guys can sit down with her, probably not even buy her a drink yet take her home and pound her until something gives, like a sink, a penis bone, or a pelvis. Often Miss Lonely Hearts makes a really top notch one night stand. She usually shows good manners, good hygiene, and good skills drinking, taking drugs, and in the sack.
Clear Heels – the required footwear of sluts all over the planet and universe. When men find a girl wearing these heels they can rest assured that they are in for a good time (similar items are hoop earrings, g-strings, and pink scrunchies).
Futa – A woman with a large cock. (See Reed James)
Splooge – the magical liquid that spews from cock jerked to satisfaction. The very life force of the universe. The stuff that flows through Planet Alien Relish. The material for which Butterface is in an obsessive and violent search.
Spunk – See splooge
Smutpunk – It’s erotica with plot that mixes forms from such varied sources as magic realism, science fiction, and Asian kung fu movies. In the same way most other punks use some common thing to glue them together, smutpunk uses the most basic protein of all to create its own panspermia universe, mixing pop-culture, erotica, the Cthulhu mythos, Far East legends, and Non-Western spirituality with Science Fiction, Pulp, and Silver-Age-Comic era elements into a head spinning, ball-busting good time.
The Buttplug Mantel – Where Liam, aka That Fucker, keeps his trophy case of used buttplugs with little exhibit label flags like a museum that explain the who, what, where, why, how of the butt plug displayed. Some executives have slayed animals, others have athletic trophies, That Fucker has the butt plug mantel. (Read about it)
The Smutpunk Lexicon – a dictionary of the tasty words peppered on your smutpunk.
Average Fuckers – In an effort to keep my wife happy, I’m no longer calling 99% of the world morons and instead trying to be more accurate by calling them average. I say it with tons of hidden malice. Well, the malice ain’t hidden to the dot-connectors, bless their depraved coal-hearts.
Hyperfuta – a futa with a cock the size of a car.
PAAG – Phat Ass Asian Girl. An Asian chick with a big, juicy phat ass. (See PAAG tumblr site)
PAWG – Phat Ass White Girl. A white chick with a big, juicy phat ass! (See PAWG tumblr site)
SMUTPUNK Freedom Flag – The movement’s flag of freedom to spunk! (See Image)
Trump Butt Plug – Words cannot describe this Commander-in-Cheeks. (See Trump Butt Plug)
Yoga Pants – Really tight pants hot chicks wear to attract alpha males like bees to the honey pot. (see example)
If you’d like a word added, just leave it in the comments below and I’ll see what I can do.
Please Share This Post and Educate the World
I don’t like telling you what to do, but you really should add this to the SMUTPUNK WIKI. I’m just saying.
Author Interview: Moctezuma Johnson Does Shelby Kent Stewart (that was fun to write!)
Whether I was lucky enough to meet Shelby Kent-Stewart in a smoky pool hall while on tour hustling folks across the globe or in the ill-fated and now defunct I Love Erotica group (the first group I would be kicked out of, incidentally) can be neither confirmed nor denied. Either way, we have remained in contact ever since and I’ve come to admire her as a person, an activist, a thinker, a pool hustler, and a writer. Her prose is the cogent writing of an avid reader, a clear thinker, and a person in full control of herself and her craft. Like a pianist playing long legato stretches, her words cascade down the page seemingly effortlessly (although I suspect a ton of blood, sweat, coffee, and tears goes into it) as she wraps you in her delicate erotic tales and hooks you with an elite depth of character that I’ve rarely come across in the erotic genre.
For some crazy reason, I never thought to interview Shelby before. Don’t worry I’ve already kicked myself in the balls about that and now finally have a long overdue conversation on the record for all of you to enjoy. Whether writer, reader, political analyst, or WIB agent, you need to read what Shelby says. She offers wisdom, humor, and sanity in a world that drastically lacks and needs those elements.
A quick note on the formatting, my questions are in black (technically, for those perfectionists out there, it’s very dark gray and Shelby’s eloquent answers are in Pinkish/Purple.
Conversation with the Spectacular and Sane Shelby:
First, let’s get some basics on the table. I know you for a long time (maybe longer than anyone I have met on twitter, but let’s leave how we twitter-met where it belongs deep in the dungeons of Amazon and not here). Hopefully, all of my fans know you too but let’s assume a few of those lovely folks out there are busy having copious amounts of mind-bending sex so they haven’t had a fair chance to get to know who you are. Tell us your name and and a little bit about who you are.
Hey, MJ! Thanks for the lovely introduction. You’re a brave man for daring to plumb my psyche, but then I’ve always known that. Okay, here goes…
I’m Shelby Kent-Stewart, writer, fighter, asshole-smiter, surfer, dancer, necromancer, pool hustler, bullshit rustler. I’m the broad your mama warned you about, sweet as pie one day, the devil’s own handmaiden the next. As for the rumor I’m the love-child of William S. Burroughs and Sylvia Plath, I’ll neither confirm nor deny.
So, what are you working on and what genres do you think it fits into?
My current work-in-progress is For Love of Honor, the third and final book in the Wicked Tails Series. Like the first two in the series, Surviving Sydney and Blessing, it’s erotic romance with a bit more intrigue, danger and heat.
Now, the burning question my s.punky readers are begging me to ask: what’s your stance on cam2cam with your twitter followers? Yay, Nay, or May(be).
Ooh, naughty. I’m not averse to cam2cam interaction but it would depend on the follower. As my sainted grand-mum would say, “Skypin’ ain’t for pussies.” May she rest in peace.
Where do you publish your writing and why? Where have you had the most success?
Until someone comes up with a viable alternative, I publish on Amazon because that’s where the action is. My former publisher has four of my books on B&N, but I’ve never been to the site. Success, what’s that? The jury’s still out on that, but I’m in no hurry. My other writing gigs finance the necessities. I write Erotic Romance because it keeps me sane. The day I equate that to sales is the day I pull the plug.
Not that plug, silly. The other one!
Now, the hardest and most profound question of them all, why do you write?
It’s difficult to frame an answer that doesn’t fall on cliché, but it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. From a very young age, I was fortunate to have teachers and mentors who recognized my need to write and nurtured me every step of the way. In high school, one teacher threatened to haunt me from the grave if I didn’t pursue a career in writing. Creepy? Definitely. But as an inducement, it was genius. I write for the same reason people take a breath. Without it, I’d disappear into the void. Poof.
How would you describe your writing style?
Typical of most novelists, my style is narrative, often first-person deep POV, and almost always from two perspectives; or in the case of Blessing, three. It was risky but readers seem to like it, so what the hell do I know?
Fun fact: In lieu of an outline, I write my books as screenplays first. I find it helps with character and scene development.
Unfortunately, when I read my own writing, I cringe at some of the things that I don’t like about my writing style and even myself as a person. I’m not saying that you scream out your own name in absolute horror like I do, but surely there are a few spots you wish you could strengthen. What are they? What would you say is the weakest part of your writing?
This is an easy one. I’m horrified by the culture of violence in which we find ourselves and obsess daily over where humanity is headed. In my first six books, I tackled incest, domestic violence, capitalism, guns, bad cops, bigotry, hate AND Somali piracy a year before Captain Phillips was released. Where I fall short is not hitting harder on issues I find abhorrent for fear of offending a reader. I need to work on that. If I have to look at my other literary shortcomings, I might stop writing altogether.
Yes, I worry regularly about offending people. I share your pain and support your quest to hit harder. The world is messed up and hitting harder seems to be a necessity falling on your shoulders. This election alone is proof that people are in need of more help than I ever thought possible. I know you are active in many communities such as animal rescue, politics, social equality, and domestic abuse. You’re truly one of the good gals. This leads me to my next question regarding how you interact with writers. Are you part of any crazy writing groups? If so, how’s that going for you?
Shit, meet fan. Since you asked…I tend to shy away from groups, especially large groups where support and trust are sacrificed for numbers. The only way a writing group is beneficial is with the following provisos: 1) Rules regarding reciprocity are clearly spelled out by the organizer(s); 2) Drama is kept to a minimum; 3) Egos are left at the door; and 4) Anyone who utters the words “me me me” in a group discussion or forum is escorted to the air-lock.
Provisos. This is why all of you have to read Shelby. She’s smart and sane; how often does that come along? You need to get your work out there. People need Shelby. Do you have a publicist?
To paraphrase Groucho Marx: Any publicist who would have me as a client is one I’d never hire.
Many writers might simply get some kind of bot, load it with links to their books, and set it on BLAST muhfucka BLAST. As I gain experience in this genre, I’m realizing there are better ways to get your voice heard than to cockslap people with “Look at me! Look at me! I’m a beautiful, filthy peacock! Clean the mud off me and enjoy!” What kind of publicity do you (or those around you) do for your books? How did you start out? What advice can you offer newbies?
Nope, no bots for me. While I know it’s important to have a presence, I take the ‘less is more approach’, rarely posting more than 3 book promos per week. I’m a human first, writer second, so limiting my posts to all things book-related doesn’t work for me. Within the the first few weeks of joining Twitter, I made the conscious decision to follow people unaffiliated with the literary world. The Twitterverse is vast, filled with fascinating people, and trapping myself inside a bubble with other writers didn’t make sense. Do they buy books? Sure, but so do stay-at-home moms and dads, doctors, nurses, artists, musicians, journalists and politicians. Many of my best reviews are from non-writers who found me on Twitter.
To newbie writers, I suggest they mix it up. Tweet out a joke, a quote, their favorite song on YouTube, a photo of their dog, something representative of who they are, not what they do.
I hear you on that. Plus, there are too many damn cats on Twitter! Where my dogs at?
Shelby, I’m always curious to know what other writers like and who they read. I think a writer’s tastes in books says something about herself and the artist she likes. What’s your favorite line of somebody else’s writing?
Several come to mind, but the opening line of the late Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ One Hundred Years of Solitude blows me away. Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.
Yes! I love that book and was immediately caught by that line. I love how he makes ice magical. And see? This question worked because I noticed while reading Blessing – A Wicked Tales Story that you have a knack for pulling magic out of somewhat innocuous situations. I think this, like Marquez, stems from the fact that the emotional depth of your characters is vast. I think that’s your real strong suit. I find that you have an incredible way of revealing to readers that your characters are larger than life, intelligent, good-looking, and wrapped in intense dramas yet human. You just have a wonderful way with words that shows you are sane yet spectacular. Any tips for newbies and slow-learners like myself that can help us improve?
That’s a wonderful compliment, MJ, thank you. Trust me, you need no advice from me. There’s a reason I coined the title Smutpunk Scholar just for you.
For those starting out, I advise them to write as truthfully as they can and avoid the trap of writing what they think readers want. Savvy readers will sense when something is real and when it’s forced.
My last question and then I’ll open the floor to Q&A.
With which writer would you secretly trade places?
K. Rowling, but not for the fame or money. She created a brilliant and engaging world, and in so doing encouraged kids to put down their video games and read. I like to think one of those boys or girls will be tomorrow’s Steinbeck or Morrison. What a legacy!
Now, from the mailbag.
Little Jay Scott of Carson City wants to know, do you really write in lingerie on a chair with dildo strapped to it, or is that make believe invented by the Republicans?
Well, Little Jay, I hate to disappoint you but I tried the dildo thing and it interferes with my tutu. While we’re at it, let’s give Republicans their due. Conservative Evangelicals purchase more porn and erotica than any other group. Bless their hearts.
(Hearty laughter) Very true. I have it on good intel that you are absolutely correct.
The Real Donald Trump asks, are you writing speeches for that yuge fucktard Clinton? Weird this guy has sent a picture of himself, I suppose, with his red hair all over the place wearing pink nylons with a big lipsticky kiss mark where the balls and cock should be. That’s not right. Skip that one. Weirdos.
Now would be a perfect time to tell you how much I loved Dump the Futa President. It’s been on my reading list for months and I finally read it last night. How much did I love it? Read my review, the one I hope to write before the election is over and Trump is hiding in a dacha playing patty-cake with Putin.
Punk E. Shmooster of Hallandale writes, if I read your books will my breasts grow like promised on the generic erotica I bought at the bus stop?
That would depend on what you’re doing while reading my books. I have it on good authority that manual stimulation of the naughty bits can cause swelling so…
Ursula Van Savage from a yurt in the Steppes of Kazakhstan wants to know which book of yours is your favorite and why?
I vacillate on this but currently Once Upon a Faerie is my favorite. Perhaps because it reflects the chaos in the world right now, it was emotionally draining but immensely satisfying to examine it in another context. At its heart, the book is about love and courage and sacrifice, three things we’re a bit short of at the moment. A sequel is planned for 2017.
You said it! And finally, Jaime Johnson from NYC wants to know do you consider your books to be smutpunk? Why or why not?
I’m not nearly talented enough to pull that off and am quite content to leave that to the masters like you, Callie Press and Kat Crimson. When I read something you’ve written, my inclination is to fall prostate and whimper, “I’m not worthy.”
Total bullshit but very diplomatic. Smutpunk would be extremely lucky to have you in the cadre!
Shelby, thank you for having the courage to come on the MJ blog and answer my inane questions. It’s been my total pleasure to ask!
Nah, the pleasure was all mine. Inane? Hardly. In fact, they were some of the best questions I’ve ever been asked. Thank you for that!
All links can take you to urls in your home country, just mouse-over for a drop-down list of flags
Thank you for reading this Author Interview
Poem written for Divine Metamorphoses, a genius and a goddess
She’s this gorgeous woman
in a slip
riding a bike
not a TREK or some shit
a real bike
a front wheel the size of Earth
the back wheel its satellite Moon
She’s trailing a dolphin and a clipper ship
attached by an umbilical cord
attached to her clit ring
she’s all dark and goth and trannys line up
in the background jerking off like a great
while the free hand of each tranny touches the free breast
of the tranny besides him/her
and they jizz stardust that sizzles as it splatters
like bacon frying and popping like Syd Barrett singing
like Milos Raonic serving
his one greased strand of hair cascading onto his forehead
this divine creature peddles through the sky.
her legs go on forever
not a few feet or meters
forever like the difference
between the size of a pebble on a lake’s shore
and the size of the sun
she peddles with urgency
her brain is there enticing the trans-bukkake
to shoot ropes of interstellar jism
that spin with gravity and gravity
and like that
this cycling sky-nymph
onto the never before known black canvas
the empty pin cushions
that come into unbeing and thus are
her slip is billowing
her black hair is a tornado behind her
smudging frigid errors
into blurry wet goodness
men, women, transgender
all point at this cycling goddess
all kneeling to her
the torso of a man
floats in front of her
waiting with a ballroom
in front of a great disco ball sun
that shines fuckadelic
she hops off her cosmic bike
and the trannies’ sizzling celestial semen colors in his legs
DNA strands twirl in double helix dances
until she has made
hands her the gown
she strips off her slip
pale against the sky
her giant tits
her vast navel
her unbounded pussy
her juicy sidereal ass
he bites the umbilical cord
and frees her
from the dolphin and clipper ship
she puts on the gown
interlocks his fingers
and they dance
a perennial jig
her black hair a tornado
his blonde hair a whirlpool
his fit abs twitch
when she runs a finger at his neck
her nipples bloom
and flowers sprout underneath
their naked feet
he holds her neck
and they kiss
stardust swirls in their mouths
this is not drunk motel sex
this god and goddess
this is Eros and Aphrodite
this is Xochiquetzal and Bes
this is Enzo and Rati
her blowjob is eternal deep throat
this is not a bad-smelling purple jelly
this a red giant
parting her labia
his cock is lightyears
their simultaneous orgasm
is a Karmen vortex street
that shakes and swirls
they continue their ballroom dance
and suck each other’s essence
out of their lips and
and their lips’ throats
until she gives way again
and bends her cosmic asshole
this sodomy gives the Khajuraho
her delicate forms
gives Chennakesava its sensuality
his boundless cock
impales her as roughly as tenderly
she gives into him
and he melts into her
her immeasurable hole
takes every lightyear of him
they rip a chasm into the
light of a new universe
the holes in this current universe’s background
and something that wasn’t suddenly is
and in that new something they collapse
and have a post-coital nap
in each other’s arms
a new temple is being built
to house this new image
this divine metamorphoses
Visit Divine Metamorphoses on Twitter to see incredible erotica
What’s in a Twitter Hashtag? Which one is the best?
Phuket — 2014 I was originally blown away by the smarts of Tony Queef and his Erotic Hashtag until I realized he was a hashtag nazi and didn’t want your tag mixing with his tag. He couldn’t stand mine and yours tagging together or else his panties would get stained with too much hot sticky hash-(tag) and then you know what? He’d be impregnated. And that he just couldn’t have, which I respect.
His idea is good, even great, but he’s not a visionary. He’s more of a hater, an egomaniac, and a credit-, attention-, and genre-whore. All those things are good in their place, but when I am trying to sell erotica I’d prefer to do so without the nazi DM-YELLING, in a high-pitched 144 character frenzy, to take down artwork of spread ass or posts about psychedelic mind control allusions before he…whatever, dude. He made me nervous with his rants so I long ago tuned him out. I recently found I’d been booted from his blog, blocked from his hashtag, but I didn’t really give a fuck because I had better plans already anyway.
I had replaced the “other” hashtag with ours: #LPRTG. Using a tag for all erotica work (whether tame or brashly uncensored, whether fine art, literature, or pulp fiction) is a solid idea because it makes google and amazon and the other creators of bots and algorithms aware of our hard work as independent erotic writers and artists, and it helps us form a web of interrelation. This helps us get noticed in various mediums. Nothing wrong with being noticed when you’re trying to get readers.
In my opinion, nothing replaces the success of simply sitting down to write but some retweeting, sharing on FB, and the employment of bots like crowdfire and roundteam, can help us all reach more potential readers and easily spread the word about each other and ourselves. So please use a few characters of your 144 character to add #LPRTG (or @LiteraryPornRTG) and let us (and our followers — which will be growing) share for you. It has already gotten some traction and this is just the beginning. We would like to get 5 times larger to really help out. That starts with people adding the #LPRTG tag to their erotica books, their dirty poems, their sexual artwork, and more.
Also, feel free to combine the hashtag with any other hashtags you so desire. I couldn’t care less how you choose to use it and will support your posts unconditionally. I’ll suggest combinations that seem to do the best periodically.
The Five Most Important Things to Remember When Rappelling Down a Giant Dildo | Fuck Force Five Manual
Triangulum Stain, the story of a chemical agent from outer space landing on Earth via a space capsule that crashes into the Arizona desert features an attack of replicating alien dildos that must be stopped for Earthlings to survive (gasp!). Fuck Force Five (see image) is a highly trained Women in Black (WIB) elite fighting force dispatched to restore order and get rid of any extraterrestrial/paranormal invaders by any means necessary—whether through force or through fucking.
There really isn’t much difference between rappelling down the face of a mountain or the side of a giant sentient dildo sent to destroy you. The Fuck Force Five Manual provides the basics. Please read carefully, raise your hand if you have any questions:
- Make sure the belay is on. Safety first. No matter how highly trained you and your group are, you must confirm. Double check by asking your partner, “Belay on?” You’ll have to scream because when rappelling down the side of a Giant Dildo you have a lot of distance to cover and it’s hard to hear. She’ll look back up at you and shout up, “Lay Hans?” Shake your head. She’ll keep talking: “Who is Hans?” Put your forefinger to your mouth to tell her to shush. Then put your arms in an X shape over your chest to signal “wrong”. Once you have her full attention, grab the belay rope and jiggle it. Point to her and ask again, “Is the belay on?” She’ll make the Italian gesture Madonna and then yell back up, “Belay is on. Of course.”
- Make sure to breath. The hard thing about rappelling and using the belay system is that if you get nervous and shaky it’s hard to grip the cords that make friction to slow you down, and rappelling down a dildo too fast is quite dangerous. You’d like to go medium speed and drift down and land, kick off, drift down and land. Every Fuck Force Five agent is highly trained to handle the stressful situations. Breathing is step one to stress management. Once you’re feeling loose, jump and descend, jump and descend. Repeat.
- I love my job. I mean, seriously, who gets to do this? I’m rocketed into the pristine Arizona desert, a place that gets over sixteen million visitors every year. I get to rock my latex suit, my red boots, my gas mask, and my gloves. I get to rappel down living silicone made from human semen. This is like all Moby Dick on acid, dudes! All those Moby Dicks sailors coaxing the sperm out of the sperm whale (a very erotic scene!), rubbing, kneeding, jerking in one great mess of sperm and whale where one person ended and another began was all very vague. So it is here in Arizona with giant dildos, human male sperm, and WIB sent to fuck them all into submission. What’s not to love?
- What’s controlling this thing? Do you think I could get in the pee-hole and see what is down there? A super-computer? the Wizard of Oz pulling strings? Katy Perry?
- Does this giant cock mean there’s a giant pussy out there? What does the pussy look like that can take this massive sentient dildo? Not sure I ever want to come into contact with that.
- Look around and be aware of your surroundings. When you land, survey the scene. Where there’s one Alien Dildo you’re likely to find more. These dildos infest like roaches. Remember, where there’s a will there’s a way!
- Get right down to business. Make sure you’ve got your finger on the Crabwater Release Mechanism (CRM). Rappelling down a giant cock in the desert while Earth is under attack and humans are under the threat of extinction can be quite distracting. Stay on point. There’s important business at hand. That’s why you’ve been rocketed in. Spray these alien bastards with the synthesis. It’s time to take down some alien cock, girls!
*Mouse over the link above to get links for different countries to appear*
“You on point, Phife?
All the time, Tip!
Then grab the microphone and let your words rip!”
Just go about your business and don’t get too attached to any one medium. In other words, don’t spend all your time on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, LinkedIn, etc. Also, don’t completely trust yourself to just iBooks, Kobo, Amazon, or Smashwords. You should be ready in case one of these suddenly fails. Your writing business should persevere without dependence on only one avenue. Also, when it comes to social media it can be a bit deceptive. Really, you don’t get the sales from tweeting/posting that you might think you get. The most helpful thing is popularity on the various sales channels you are using. Amazon Rank, Reviews, and just gold old fashioned sales is what drives an author’s popularity. The best thing you can do is keep writing and stay on point. There are some good people out there who it will be a pleasure to befriend. Consider buying as many books as you can afford, reading them, reviewing them, and interacting with the authors you like. This will inspire you and teach you. Also, it’s fun. Remember, though, that there happen to be trolls and other nasty people out there, so use common sense always. That’s a sad fact of internet life.
The Adult Filter – The Kiss of Death for Sales of Flagged Books
My books and writing career are both getting killed by amazon’s anti-appearance-of-pornography laws. I mean, I accept that my work is nasty, dirty, smut but my colleagues in the erotica arena are being labeled as “Not-Adult” according to Sales Rank Express while having bukkake gangbangs and werewolves fucking pigs against their will. Something’s up. All I wanted to do was put the hilarious cover of a women in a latex police suit rappelling down a dildo in the desert. It seems to me that humor is more banned than nasty, sex acts. The reason being, in my jackass, ADHD-infested opinion, is that humor calls attention to itself, where titles such as Transgender Anal Plumbers Storm Hucow University—as long as the cover is innocuous and there are no fucking F words embedded in the product description—seem to slip by un-noticed. I guess the days of having fun with my covers and copy are over. All the fun will be inside the book. The outsides will be pretty straightforward.
I’ll be changing the title of Jane’s Steak and Blowjob Night Surprise to, Jane’s Steak and Math Homework Completed on Time Surprise. Yep. It has a nice ring to it!
Hotel Bukkake Party could become Waigoren Hotel Party or Gulp Gulp Hotel Party. That would be Gulmok Gulmok in Korean. What’s it in Japanese? Gokkun Gokkun. (Japanese is often more well-known to Westerners than Korean, but that’s a topic for another day).
Subtitle: The Great PornApocalypse
That’s a great title for my next book of poems. Better than My Whore Bag or Real and Imaginary Girlfriends #2.
The artist in me that wants to be creative fights the self-respecting author in me that wants my books to come up in searches, and “Customer Also Bought” lists. It’s not only a case of sour grapes, although, damn, them grapes be sour! I’m, thankfully, aware that if you could remove the Adult Ban I’d be on those searches and lists—and that’s something. I get to see my sales. I’m no bestseller but strangely or not, I get some really cool, very smart, very professional, very loyal fans from all walks of life. I interact with anybody who is brave enough to email me and therefore have a good sense of what’s being bought. The problem is I’m not getting the amazon marketing machine—which is formidable—to back me thanks to these adult tags. I guess, in some ways I’m ultra-cool because I just won’t be tamed!
I see some great writers dealing with similar issues. I’ve noticed that Bella Swann, has chosen to list her books on multiple platforms. This is a great way to combat some of these arbitrary filters and makes sure your readers to get to see all your books.
If you are not sure if your books have adult bans on them visit Sales Rank Express and type in the author’s name and see all their books. You will see a red, ADULT, label if a book has been flagged (see image to the right).
Other writers have told me that you can remove “bad” words in the product description, remove any “fleshy bits” on your covers, and then email Amazon and ask them to review your updated book and consider removing the adult ban. While that works for some people, I wouldn’t keep your fingers crossed for too long. I’ve had no luck with that system. I’ve also had no luck with the perma-free pricing either (but that’s another story for another day, too).