The Adult Filter – The Kiss of Death for Sales of Flagged Books
My books and writing career are both getting killed by amazon’s anti-appearance-of-pornography laws. I mean, I accept that my work is nasty, dirty, smut but my colleagues in the erotica arena are being labeled as “Not-Adult” according to Sales Rank Express while having bukkake gangbangs and werewolves fucking pigs against their will. Something’s up. All I wanted to do was put the hilarious cover of a women in a latex police suit rappelling down a dildo in the desert. It seems to me that humor is more banned than nasty, sex acts. The reason being, in my jackass, ADHD-infested opinion, is that humor calls attention to itself, where titles such as Transgender Anal Plumbers Storm Hucow University—as long as the cover is innocuous and there are no fucking F words embedded in the product description—seem to slip by un-noticed. I guess the days of having fun with my covers and copy are over. All the fun will be inside the book. The outsides will be pretty straightforward.
I’ll be changing the title of Jane’s Steak and Blowjob Night Surprise to, Jane’s Steak and Math Homework Completed on Time Surprise. Yep. It has a nice ring to it!
Hotel Bukkake Party could become Waigoren Hotel Party or Gulp Gulp Hotel Party. That would be Gulmok Gulmok in Korean. What’s it in Japanese? Gokkun Gokkun. (Japanese is often more well-known to Westerners than Korean, but that’s a topic for another day).
Subtitle: The Great PornApocalypse
That’s a great title for my next book of poems. Better than My Whore Bag or Real and Imaginary Girlfriends #2.
The artist in me that wants to be creative fights the self-respecting author in me that wants my books to come up in searches, and “Customer Also Bought” lists. It’s not only a case of sour grapes, although, damn, them grapes be sour! I’m, thankfully, aware that if you could remove the Adult Ban I’d be on those searches and lists—and that’s something. I get to see my sales. I’m no bestseller but strangely or not, I get some really cool, very smart, very professional, very loyal fans from all walks of life. I interact with anybody who is brave enough to email me and therefore have a good sense of what’s being bought. The problem is I’m not getting the amazon marketing machine—which is formidable—to back me thanks to these adult tags. I guess, in some ways I’m ultra-cool because I just won’t be tamed!
I see some great writers dealing with similar issues. I’ve noticed that Bella Swann, has chosen to list her books on multiple platforms. This is a great way to combat some of these arbitrary filters and makes sure your readers to get to see all your books.
If you are not sure if your books have adult bans on them visit Sales Rank Express and type in the author’s name and see all their books. You will see a red, ADULT, label if a book has been flagged (see image to the right).
Other writers have told me that you can remove “bad” words in the product description, remove any “fleshy bits” on your covers, and then email Amazon and ask them to review your updated book and consider removing the adult ban. While that works for some people, I wouldn’t keep your fingers crossed for too long. I’ve had no luck with that system. I’ve also had no luck with the perma-free pricing either (but that’s another story for another day, too).
A Steak & Blowjob Tale by Moctezuma Johnson
I wanted to get this ready for Steak & Blowjob 2015 but like usual I am way too late. Better to be late as a writer than as a jazz musician, so I’ll take it. At least this short story about a married couple having some strap-on and gunge fun is ready. Does gunge and strap-on play match? I really don’t know. But that’s how it’s written.
Jane and David have been married for a while and have a yearly ritual in which Jane cooks the steak and gives the blowjob. This year, a role reversal is about to occur.
The onions smelled delicious. She had one hand on the bulb and one on the big dildo, she aimed it at the frying pan and thought about shooting a vanilla cum load onto their steaks. Should she? It could taste good. Vanilla. She heard keys at the door. She shoved the big dildo into her jeans, just like she was a guy who was caught masturbating. The debate whether shooting cum on their steaks was a good idea would have to be postponed until later. David came in and walked right to her. He was a robot. A titty-stalking robot. When tits were out he went right to them like the Frankenstein’s monster and reached for them. He felt the hard nipples while he rubbed her big tits like he was trying to polish them with the balls of his hands. She moaned and they kissed each other deeply. He kissed down her neck and then started to kiss her tits until he pulled up and said, “It smells great. Nothing like steaks and blowjobs.”
“Blowjobs?” she questioned, emphasizing the plural.
“Who knows? Maybe you’ll be up for multiples.”
She went back to the frying pan and flipped the steaks onto dishes. She had also made custard which was simmering in a pot behind the steaks. Maybe that’s why it smelled so good: grease, onions, and custard. Or maybe it was the vanilla jizz she was wearing in a dildo hidden in her jeans. She wondered if David could see her bulge. She looked down. She could see it.
David, her loving husband, poured two glasses of wine. Two UFOs could have passed through the kitchen and flown into the bedroom making chromatic whining noises and he wouldn’t have noticed. That was David. So focused that it was scary. Fixated now on wine and her tits. Fixated on the day and its imminent oral pleasure.
She put the steaks on the table. She was nervous. Her hands were sweaty. How was she going to break the ice that she was wearing a big cock? This was a mistake. She wanted to take it off.
He stood there unbuckling his belt, lowering his slacks, and pulling out his big cock. It was big. It was beautiful. David was still a young man. Technically he was middle aged, but as she looked at his strong abs like the underside of a crab, his sculpted hips, his barrel chest she felt like he was still a gorgeous young man. He kept himself fit. He wore his black hair neat and parted down the side. He had a strong chin. His cock was out and he was expecting that Jane get right to it.
The nerves melted away as she realized the audacity he had to not worry about how to break the ice. She suddenly found herself very cocky. She picked up a slab of the meat she’d just cooked with her bare hands and ripped it apart. She was surprised at her strength. She crammed a massive piece, more than five neatly cut mouthfuls, into her mouth.
David watched her with wide eyes. He was smiling. He saw this enthusiasm as transferrable to his meat. But he was wrong.
Jane swallowed the entire piece and then reached down and…
…now now, we interrupt these proceedings for a little finances. Please click on over to Amazon and put your quarters in the slot to find out what Jane’s really up to in her naughty little world. Thanks^^
Love Messy Blowjobs and Pies in Faces?
The you may like the photos below or the SMUTPUNK Classic the Steak and BJ Bundle by Moctezuma Johnson
Is it Steak & Blowjob Day Again Already?
Jane gets ready for her annual Steak & Blowjob Day by cooking her husband a steak per their ritual. Normally she’d then be on her knees sucking her good man off showing her total wifey appreciation. But this year she’s got something up her, well, wet, well-lubed, sleeve. Okay, that’s not a sleeve.
Check out some hot futanari, pegging, strap on, role reversal fun. Who’s getting the steak and who is getting the blowjob. Oh, and why is there custard on the stove? Isn’t it Pi Day too? Can there be gunge too in this awesome, very adult-themed short short?
Jane waits for David to get home just like every other Steak & Blowjob Day but this one will either be a total disaster or more fun than ever. See what happens!
Ways to Be Slutty for your Man | The Slut List | How-to Maximize your Sluttiness, err Sexiness, in his eyes | Advice Cosmo just won’t give you
The Best Thing in the World is a Slutty Girlfriend or Wife
“How can I be more slutty?” is the most common question/comment that I hear
I was struck by one of the running themes readers have said about the Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired Series. They’ve pointed out that in some way it’s about how much a woman (or man) will take in order to be with the person s/he loves. This is an interesting theme and I realized I’ve really not made any effort to help women out with this. I have written How-To articles aimed at men (my version of Maxim, so on steroids and cialis) but nothing of the sort for women. Allow me to attempt to catch up. Here are some things you regular women can do to totally slut yourself up and makes your man weak in the knees for you. These aren’t meant to be demeaning to you or your relationship. They are meant to be fun and done with trust and love (or at least deep like).
A lot of women need to be sluttier for their men. When the do that, they keep him forever. George Carlin had “the Shit List”. I present to you “the Slut List”.
The SLUT LIST
- Wait on for him in the house with fake cum poured on you and tell him you were just used by a horny guy who fucked your ass and raped your throat
- Lay on your back with your ass up in the air and proudly show off your cunt and ass
- Corollary, call your vagina your cunt & Call his penis a cock
- fill a water gun or enema bulb with fake cum and then give it to him to shoot all over you
- he’ll love admiring your hot body covered, I mean doused, in jizz.
- Set up the tripod and video him having his way with you, be sure to include a blowjob in your private porn opus. You will surely find him watching it and jerking himself off later and you will be proud.
- Walk around the house topless
- Don’t wear any underwear all day. Yes, even if you have to work
- Shave your cunt
- Wear lingerie
- Put a pillow over your own head, wear a mask (especially an animal mask, like a pig mask (try this one), or wear a brown paper bag over your head. Letting him enjoy nothing but your body will drive him wild. Sometimes he needs to objectify you to get a raging hard on and fuck you so good you can’t walk tomorrow.
- do your hair in pig tails and wear a catholic school girl skirt
- wear really cheap, plastic earrings
- wear “club” outfits while eating take out at home
- do your eye make-up really heavy and let him face fuck you until your mascara runs all over your face
- let him fuck you in the ass while he watches internet porn from a laptop placed on your back
- Get on your hands and knees and be his footrest
- Kneel before him and ask permission to leave the house before you go
- Give him a sponge bath with your soapy tits as the sponge
- Have him close his eyes and surprise him by putting different parts of you in his mouth: nipples, fatty part of tit, tongue, clit, ass, etc.
- Suck a huge dildo off in front of him
- Kiss one of your girlfriends in front of him
- Suck off one of his friends in front of him
- Fuck a dildo suctioned onto a glass surface so he can see from behind
- Put in a butt plug before a date with him, tell him it’s in over dinner, and show him later.
- Suck his dick while he’s titty fucking one of your friends (if you don’t get jealous)
- Stick your tongue up his ass while you jerk him off
- Wear a plastic pig nose and a plastic tiara while he fucks you
I think you’ve got the hand of this slut business now. Develop your own, and feel free to share awesome ideas!