Love Office Chicks in Compromising Positions? Of course you do! Try more with Emme Hor’s Romance on Rollerskates Series
KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA — 19 MAY 2016 — Insiders are calling this series the Butt Plug Blues (title totally leaked by Moctezuma Johnson, retired smutpunk author) and singing it’s silly, sexy, smutpunkie praises. In each episode an Alpha Male leads Heather to end up with a butt plug up her ass. Somehow she’s always in micro-mini skirts or tight yoga pants and roller-skates. Can this Asian chick be any sexier? Well, the Alpha Male known as ‘That Fucker’ seems to think she can because he’s got a bevy of other girls’ anus’ butt plugs on display in his office on THE BUTT PLUG MANTLE. This cruel alpha, Heather’s boyfriend when the story starts, is out of control. HE’s so bad that Heather’s MILF mother Lana has to step in and help.
It all leads to a massive CLIMAX featuring BUTT PLUGS, ROLLER-SKATES, SKULL CANDY and much much much much smutpunkedly much MORE.
Now, True Believers, coming to the Amazon shelfies is a Pulpadelic Comic Book without the drawings by the illustrious Callie Press. I was lucky enough to see this work form and have just had the enormous pleasure (and I mean enormous! Wink wink) of reading Erotic Pulp #1 and wanted to leave a review on the ZON but it’s not possible on Pre-Order so I’ll put it here. Be Forewarned: SPOILERS GALORE!
These stories share that Stan Lee quality of focusing on really wholesome ordinary characters who are then plagued, blessed, beaten by exceptional circumcisions, err, circumstances. I mean, you have Fit Man and Burpee Girl succumbing to Street Thug and you have Barnacle Man cocksplitting a captain. As Sea Captain of Facebook Brazil I really vibed off that one. I mean, peoples, when’s the last time you saw a cockslap lead to entrails all over sails? Am I right? Read that one outloud: entrails all over sails. Oh yeah! Then you have the sweet, sumptuous Candy, and the running maniac Danny running, pounding, hurdling, bumping cockhead to cervix in a very Bizarre Olympic Tune-up. This is one of the best climactic sex scenes I’ve ever read. From COCKSLAP to ROMANTIC HURDLE, this is Callie Press in a delicately painted nutshell. Her work is brash and subtle at the same time. She has an outstanding gift for dialogue. Have you ever seen those amazing Chinese painted bottles? They are these tiny bottles that the artist paints carefully from the inside. They have highly acute detail. That’s Callie. From word choice to sentence structure to characterization to dialogue to plot arc you are ensconced in the soft velvet of Callie’s genius.
Pre-Order it! And on release day, read it first thing. Then share your reviews. I can’t wait to hear what others think of this piece. It’s getting my early vote for Moctezuma’s Golden Cunt Award (best book of the year).
From the Callie Press:
- Fit Man and Burpee Girl in … Street Justice!
- Barnacle Man stars in … (censored) Your Boat! (See? Continuity already!)
- Candy and Danny in … A Romantic Hurdle!
- Untitled Smutpoem by your own sweet Callie!
- An introduction to the Intraworld in … Last Day On Earth!
- And the main event this ish is San Esperma in … Queen Kegel’s CASTLE!
Try a sample of my intense writing style:
Moctezuma Johnson wants to get the word out: The Erotic Smutpunk Bulletin
Ever heard of Marvel’s Bulletin Board? [[insert image here]]
We should be doing that too. We have T. Queef and some other saps to take the piss out of a bit. There are the one wank wonders, the cunts and dicks who’ve never learnt no grammer, and the tweetathoners. Then there’s Mr. B’s crew. They are nice so I won’t fuck with them even though I wish I could tell you from cunt to black & white cocksucker where the line of “tasteful” gets drawn, in what color, and by whom, but that’s not the issue here. No, no, they don’t say tasteful, they say “classy.” I say assy but the fact that the Mr. B group has a pulse, a libido, and N angle makes me want to have a thousand arms to finger the nymphs and jerk the duke. The nymphettes are nice. They are awesome to me one-on-one and have retweeted the shit out of me. Oh, and my wife, the jynxy mynx named Emme “Cocksucking” Hor is one of them, for fucks sake. How can Moctezuma Johnson not join?
If you can’t beat ‘em, join em.
Me? No. Like Groucho Marx said, “I don’t want to be part of any group that would have me for a member.” Not that they would have me as a member. But I still consider them part of the bullpen, especially Jenny, Linzi, July, and Callie. There are a bunch of other fuckers and page eroti-suckers who I want to fold into the mix like blueberries into hot muff(in) batter. There’s Reed James and the Naught Book Snitch with her GIFtopia. One day at a time, like a good AA member.
A literary porn erotic smutpunk bulletin
A place to get important upcoming news in the literary erotica universe. We don’t have a bullpen where we all sit and one table and crank out mad creativity cause we all sit all by our lonesomes in our underwear with coffee, wine, joints, or all three, and do our bidding with our bots and one-handed typing. I guess twitter is our ‘pen but that’s pure chaos. Bulls are way more organized than we are on twitter. We are out of fucking control with all the tweets (thanks tweetathoners, I’m so sick of seeing repeat lines and repeat images), all the dick picks (it’s mostly dudes from the subcontinent – guys, I’m a dude. Do you want this Latino-Italian guy looking at your dick? You do? Then read my FUTA shit!), and all the book link BUY MY BOOK links, you can have a nervous breakdown in five minutes. Luckily I mostly ignore DMs so they can send cocks ’til the cows come home. My point is that authors could use a little bulletin that boils down the news so we can see what’s going on. We need an easy to manage quick news rather than scrolling through noise. In Seoul, busy streets have neon signs in every spot imaginable advertising stuff. The neon-barrage is so strong that I feel like I’m walking in the dark. I’ve unconsciously mentally turned off every buzzing colorful light. In real life these electric color-boards tell me to shop, eat, and drink at their establishments. In my mind I see a quiet black sky and hot Asian chicks in short skirts. These stores should start sending me dick pictures, they’d be better off. We could have a bulletin.
Why was Marvel’s Bulletin so Amazing?
Cause comics rule! I loved those Marvel chats with Stan the Man. Stan’s Soapbox. Sexy. I loved wrestling and metallica too, but I outgrew the latter two things. Comics still fucking rule!
I go to comic book stores regularly because flipping through a bunch of comic books jumpstarts my mind in a way that nothing else can. The creativity within these pages is off the charts. It was Callie Press who said some erotic smutpunk bulletin magic words to me the other night by DM that really knocked my socks deep up my anal cavity. She said, “Excelsior!” out of nowhere or some of the other weird ass words Stan “The Man” Lee would throw out there. It made me look up why the fuck he did that and I found out it was because he thought his competition (the fuckers that would copy everything) wouldn’t be able to copy it because they wouldn’t know how to spell it after he said it. Lol. That just cracks me up and I’m pretty sure some of my haters can’t spell abominable snowman nor the Philippines. I take pleasure in that. And in saying, Fuck you to the haters. I’ve watched most of them drop off like flies (see T. Queef) and disappear back into the narrow-minded fetters from whence they came. You know what I say, Can’t a Husband Suck His Wife’s Cock Anymore? Western culture has become too Politically Cum-rect(al). Asia is still a much rawer place.
Thankfully I can hide my head in the cum-stained sand and write about the destruction of the universe by the Sluts of the Oblong-Dong Table and the drying up of The Streams of Sementopia and the volcanic Mt. Ejaculi going dormant. I can write about Yeti’s taking big-titted Russian whores as slaves and then getting sick of them and kicking them down the side of a mountain. I can read about a Halloween Spook being all too real and using virgin sperm and menstrual blood to erase and create universes. This is the fun of what I’ve termed Literary Porn Erotica. Kat Crimson calls it smart smut or cerebral smut, which is another kick ass term. I’m stoked to be a part of this fucked up wave of eWriters who can self-publish their stuff and tweet with their readers and have a jolly old time. Just the way these Marvel Bulletins were a cool way to feel a part of the comic crowd, we get excited about new work thanks to blogs, tweets, posts, and other sharers. I’m going to boil it down every bulletin board. That’s my pledge. Feel free to send me shit that you know has to be out there. I feel free to ignore shit that has no place.
Hey, Queen Kegel, Excelsior! Let’s start putting EROTIC PULP of Heroes and Villians! into all our eBooks (natch!)
Literary Porn Club, baby! SAN ESPERMA cockslapping fools left and right for Candy Cane Kegel and the SUPERhung superHUNK SPaCe GlaDIatorS
Bullpen Bulletin #o (The Pilot Cerebral Erotic Smutpunk Bulletin):
The Milked by the Yeti Series has begun. Book 1 by Moctezuma is out on the literaryporn.net site and Callie Press is writing Book 2 as I write this. She’s released the first installment, introducing Vivek and bring the milking fucking Yeti back for more scary, sexy fun.
Kindle Erotic Books read by Brittany in I Am Not a Whore, At Least Not Yet! from the Confessions of a Whore Series.
The Book of Real & Imaginary Girlfriends 1 & 2 by Moctezuma Johnson
and the whole list of greats from Mr. Blackthorne’s Naughty Nymphettes
Review of Callie Press – How to Give Good Head & Butterface | She’s so nice I reviewed her twice @CalliePress #LPRTG
I am reviewing two Callie Press books in one post. Why? Cuz I wanna. It’s my blog site and I’ll do what I want. I’ve been messing around on Goodreads like a teenager feeling up his first set of tits while hiding in the back of the bus from the Godly Army. It’s awkward and weird and there’s sticky stuff all over the back of the seat, so I’d prefer to put my words down here free from the shackles of censorship and the Godly Prude Army.
Butterface is gonna git ya
The plot is basically this, boys that haven’t gotten their peckers wet yet are going to die. In fact, they are going to get fucked to death. There’s this boogiewoman, this succubus, that wants their teen jizz. She will fuck their brains out, literally, leaving drooling, non-coherent fucknuckles in their used up, once virile bodies. One weird, very deliberate choice by Callie to add to the inbred feel of the book is to give just about all the characters virtually the same name, like Jimmy Bob and Billy Jimmy and Billy Bob. The names plus this homoerotic fishing hole with jizz floating in the water leads you into the tale told mostly from the heresy of Old Pap. Without jizz, the primordial protein, we wouldn’t be alive and this is the theme that makes Butterface so much more than a Halloween tale. It’s a history of the universe, it’s a creation story, it’s a Cthulhu myth, and it’s a hot, nasty panty-wetting, titty-rubbing, cock-hardening literary porn erotica opus.
No more plot spoiling, that’s close enough to the verge for me to elicit a little gooey pre-cum but not one glistening drip more.
The thing that’s remarkable in this book is the voice. The narrator’s voice is as polished as a million-dollar pearl while the characters sound like something out of a Faulkner masterpiece. In the first few pages you’ll hear that Callie has an incredible ear for dialogue, particularly the speech of these inbred country folk. It’s so intense I couldn’t help think, even though I know she’s a genius, that she couldn’t keep it up (yes, I’m giggling) for the whole book. But, holy hard-on, she keeps it up and rock hard the whole fucking book. It’s unlikely. It’s improbable. And she does it. Along the way, she tells quite a tale of star-crossed lovers sacrificing for each other, a horny old man making a deal with a she-devil, and a bunch of dumb innocent virgins making horrible decisions thanks to inbreeding, religion, and too much mercury in the water.
Don’t listen to a word I have put down here, everything I’m trying to say is too lubed up and skewed by my ejaculate and the sublimity in Callie’s erotic work of art. Just read it, get it straight from the source.
Quick before butterface come an’ git ya.
Buy Butterface (mouse-over for different amazon stores in different countries and languages)
Want to have more Callie Press fun? Find out how menstrual blood can build universes
+++Quiz about Callie+++
The Chamber-Pot Prince
by Callie Press
A very naughty fairy tale for grown-ups
Callie made my acquaintance with something like this on twitter: I see you’re bogged down with the annoyance of bothering with plot in your writing. So naturally I was in love and had to read some of her work. Boy, am I glad, girl.
Callie has written a “dirty” story set in an ancient fairy tale land that is literally dirty thanks to some anachronistic burritos, an evil step mom, and a lewd chamber pot (click the link to learn about the wonderful world of arinolas, jordans, jerrys, or piss pots as they have been called).
Libby is the name of the princess with evil step mother. Callie says, “She’s basically me, but tall and blonde. I’m short and a redhead.” Yes, the author’s a redhead everywhere, perverts. I had to ask too. Everywhere. If you’re familiar with Walmart, you may have noticed Libby is named after some canned vegetables. I’ve miss out on Walmart, sadly, so I didn’t make that connection. No matter because Libby’s got big, beautiful tits, a perfect apple ass, and loves sucking dick. Yep, she’s the heroine of this erotic tale.
In the novelette, Libby’s been reprimanded by her step mom and has to clean the chamber pot which is overflowing with the nasties that a chamber pot gets filled with over the course of the days. When Libby starts to clean the pot, the story takes on its first of many twists. The chamber pot can talk and tells Libby that he’s really a rich, handsome man under an evil enchantment at the hands of an evil witch. A passionate kiss will release him, he says. Libby decides, disgusting or not, she should take the plunge and get the prince out of the chamber pot. What ensues is a lot of fun and more surprising than your average girl meets boy, girl fucks boy, girl is happy erotica.
I won’t provide any spoilers but I will tease you with this: the more she tries to suck the Prince out of the Chamber Pot the more she finds an ever-growing, meaty part of him. Libby also finds a way to unveil her firm yet huge maidenly tits.
If you like literary porn with a real dirty twist, this story by Callie Press should be on your kindle.
More about Callie:
Find her @calliepress on Twitter
Next on my list by Callie Press is Dominating Donna
Don’t forget to see my Book Reviews on Naughty Book Snitch where I will be a part-time snitch.
Doesn’t that just sound great?
The first review is about a book by Made In DNA / Brent Millis. Red Sky at Morning, by Made in DNA, is an incredible story set in Post-Nuclear Meltdown Japan—what a lovely place!—that features a cyborg detective taking on a demon child killer. Come on, admit that’s fucking awesome! At 28-pages it’s an absolute must-read. So follow the link below (hover over to get multiple listings from multiple countries/languages) or read the review and then follow the link below.
You may enjoy these other book reviews:
What’s in a Twitter Hashtag? Which one is the best?
Phuket — 2014 I was originally blown away by the smarts of Tony Queef and his Erotic Hashtag until I realized he was a hashtag nazi and didn’t want your tag mixing with his tag. He couldn’t stand mine and yours tagging together or else his panties would get stained with too much hot sticky hash-(tag) and then you know what? He’d be impregnated. And that he just couldn’t have, which I respect.
His idea is good, even great, but he’s not a visionary. He’s more of a hater, an egomaniac, and a credit-, attention-, and genre-whore. All those things are good in their place, but when I am trying to sell erotica I’d prefer to do so without the nazi DM-YELLING, in a high-pitched 144 character frenzy, to take down artwork of spread ass or posts about psychedelic mind control allusions before he…whatever, dude. He made me nervous with his rants so I long ago tuned him out. I recently found I’d been booted from his blog, blocked from his hashtag, but I didn’t really give a fuck because I had better plans already anyway.
I had replaced the “other” hashtag with ours: #LPRTG. Using a tag for all erotica work (whether tame or brashly uncensored, whether fine art, literature, or pulp fiction) is a solid idea because it makes google and amazon and the other creators of bots and algorithms aware of our hard work as independent erotic writers and artists, and it helps us form a web of interrelation. This helps us get noticed in various mediums. Nothing wrong with being noticed when you’re trying to get readers.
In my opinion, nothing replaces the success of simply sitting down to write but some retweeting, sharing on FB, and the employment of bots like crowdfire and roundteam, can help us all reach more potential readers and easily spread the word about each other and ourselves. So please use a few characters of your 144 character to add #LPRTG (or @LiteraryPornRTG) and let us (and our followers — which will be growing) share for you. It has already gotten some traction and this is just the beginning. We would like to get 5 times larger to really help out. That starts with people adding the #LPRTG tag to their erotica books, their dirty poems, their sexual artwork, and more.
Also, feel free to combine the hashtag with any other hashtags you so desire. I couldn’t care less how you choose to use it and will support your posts unconditionally. I’ll suggest combinations that seem to do the best periodically.