News so Absurdly False it’s True (well, nearly true. What’s the kids call Bullshit Truth)
MIT professor confirms meritocracy long dead in America
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Election of Trump, MIT Professor Nomme d’Chumsky states from his eRanch in Honolulu, proves people at the top can now be filled by people at the bottom. Education, skill sets, and language ability are all demerits in today’s new Bullshit Society. In fact, the professor warns, education and skills, especially foreign language skills, can get you in a heap of trouble reminiscent of Pol Pot’s Cambodia. He suggests the average American just shut her mouth, eat her fast food, and pay her part of America’s enormous taxes for governments new weapons to monitor, scare, and control.
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Bad President: I think it’s safe to say that the president of the US is a total dick
And he’s not too bright either
If you read President Trump’s tweets you find they are littered with poor grammatical agreement, incorrect spelling, and incomplete sentences. I’ve always feared people with fragmented sentences as it betrays their disjointed thinking. A fragment here and there is little cause for concern, but the way Trump does it is alarming to any smart person. Dumb sheep won’t notice, but if you’re switched on you just get the sense that this man is fraud and a total moron. No wonder he’s getting ridden like a camel by Putin, Bannon, Conway, and a lot of others with two syllable names. I never thought it would be necessary, but I think the US needs presidents to pass a minimum skills test: basic grammar, basic logic, basic math. We need to be sure the leader of the free world can handle basic tasks. A lot of people have doubts about this guy running the show right now. It’s possible he’s just simply average (I often mistake average for stupid, sorry. I never said I’m not a dick), but it’s likely he’s below average or even criminally stupid. We really don’t know. The fact that we are not sure is alarming to me. I didn’t love many other presidents, including Obama who I found to be a pussy in the face of these conservative nuts. I just wanted Obama to stand up and bitch slap the racist religious right fuckers but he was too kind. However, I never doubted the first African-American president’s brains. If Trump is really average and not a moron, then we can all be sure of one unalienable fact: Trump’s a total dick.
Let’s have a little checklist and see how Trump fares.
He’s totally at war with science. Dick. He is at war with the media. Dick. He wants a Holy War with Islam. Dick. He hates women. Dick. He can’t spell. Dick. He lied about playing golf because he knew he’s be criticized. Dick. He lies regularly about everything. Dick. He thinks white supremacists Alex Jones and Steve Bannon are “his kind of guys.” Double Dick.
Wow. He has top marks for being a dick. Bet his SAT and GRE scores weren’t nearly that impressive.
Now, the fact that Americans voted for this cunt shows you that the rule of the US is coming to a close. When the average person, liberal or conservative, isn’t smart enough to see a dick dictator for what he really is, that country can no longer call itself a superpower. The only way in which the US remains a superpower is in Military Strength. The military is a superpower but the country and its citizens are not super. Its elected officials certainly are not super. In fact, our government officials aren’t even decent. Most of them bought their way into their position and lack the basic skill sets to do the job. For example, American Ambassador’s rarely speak the language of the host nation. What a disgrace! When it comes to sciences, education, art, literature, music, language skill (chuckle chuckle) to be American is to have a disadvantage.
Check out these tweets! This is your US President (cringe), nickname “Leader of the Free World.”
I call my own shots, largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it. Some FAKE NEWS media, in order to marginalize, lies!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 6, 2017
Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want border security and extreme vetting.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 6, 2017
Morning rant in the face of changes in the Doomsday Clock and the most dangerous long-term consequences of a first week by an America president in history
These nutbags like my father who is a complete asshole and sports a crappy personality similar to the new US president rather see the country go up in nuclear fallout than hand over power to young, smart, educated minorities and women. It’s really nuts when you think about it. The educated slice of the population is getting browner and browner yet the rulers are getting whiter and whiter. How the fuck is that possible? Riddle me that. Also, how the fuck can these people be “pro-life” there’s your ultimate doublespeak. It’s pro-control but not pro-life. As soon as the fetus is alive these conservatives want to offer no aid, no educations, no help, until that fetus is old enough to fight in their wars. They are pro-soldier to send into death. Pro nuclear weapons with 100 miles 3rd degree burn radiuses in addition to the utter destruction at and near ground zero thanks to x-rays, thermonuclear-heated air, and hundred mile per hour winds. And then there’s climate change. The amazing pyramids in what was MesoAmerica were home to an incredible civilization that saw the climate change in a way that eliminated the civilization. Again, we are on the brink of a cataclysmic shift and this time we have the technology to predict it and stave it off, but the conservatives don’t believe science because they believe alternative facts (in other words complete and utter bullshit designed for morons) and some little book written thousands of years ago in another language, and one that they couldn’t read. They read a translation of the translation of an old book and think they have wisdom. Every play telephone? When now your World Leaders are getting equally solid facts. For example:
Marsha went down to get some tea from shop.
Marshal Law killed your dog and shot pee in your toupee.
We need to fix NAFTA to help the indigenous and reel in the divide between rich and poor.
Mexicans rape and pillage don’t kid yourself so divide them and kill anyone brown and poor.
They are fucking around with democracy and it’s disgusting. I hold anyone who voted for Trump responsible for the coming pain the world will endure from climate change, war, and economic bullying. This is a disgrace of a government. Conservative regimes all over the world are despicable. I sincerely hope that this is rock bottom and leads to a new age of reason and communication with faith in education and science and finally a divorce from religion. America was supposed to contain a division between church and state. Does anybody remember that? I hope a reasonable day is coming, but I fear we are entering a second dark age and this time with climate change breathing down our necks with the hot foul breath of extinct dinosaurs and weapons of mass destruction that can easily obliterate us all many times over.
Bullshit is Truth
Inspired by the genius of Callie Miss O’Press (aka Fishfy Glittercheeks) in her post Alternative Facts, I have written a few of my own to keep me from feeling insane. Remember I am an American who has spent over 20 years in Latin America and Asia working for the betterment of human beings.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three do
Racism is for whining poor people with dicks smaller than yours, hopefully
Putin loves hairless cats
There’s no such thing as war
it is a fallacy created by the liberal media
same as the falsified documents that claim Obama is a real american
Drones don’t kill children, governments do
Brown people are encouraged to gather in public in great numbers
America still has a soul
and will easily stand up to tyranny and throw it’s slimy egg shell off its back
Hitler and Trump come from the same lineage
The smaller the penis the meaner the man
America was better now then it is in the past
Mayan Worry Dolls under your pillow at night can stomp Trump and all Tyranny
George Washington was a futanari
Revisionist history changed the name of the Boston Teabagging Party
Saudi Arabia trains Mexicans in Rape Arts
Islam never conquered Southern Europe
The Moors weren’t blonde, blue-eyed, and sporting beards
like Vikings or WWE champions
GMOs make your penis shrink
The controls for the heart of the sun are lodged neatly in Trump’s toupee
The average Amazon factory has 45,000 robots for every 5 human employees
but Trump can fix that because old white men are awesome on computers
and have been programming algorithms for eons
Dead Mexicans can be turned into Oil
Growing rice in Mexico and bringing it to the US tax free to be sold back to hungry Mexicans wasn’t enough for greedy American Capitalists
NAFTA fucked Mexicans way harder than Americans
The EZLN attacked the Municipal buildings in Chiapas to stop NAFTA from forcing indegenous coffee growers to pay tax to the US even though they were on cooperative land with direct deals to Northern European contries
The EZLN army dresses in basically the same costume as Mayan Worry Dolls
Race relations in America have never been better
Abortion kills humans not guns
American has exponentially more gun deaths than any other country on Planet Earth
Nuclear weapons don’t kill
Nuclear weapons don’t turn your skin invisible during the blast and let you see your organs working even if you are far away and have your eyes shut
Nuclear weapons just shoot whipped cream
Nuclear targets get gunged playfull not viciously obliterated
Bin Laden was more of a Black Market Banker than a Terrorist
He actually funded many grassroots projects that built roads, seeded once barren farmland, and built schools for millions of marginalized people in many different 3rd world countries
The CIA stole Che Guevara’s asthma medication
He was shot without a trial
The CIA destabilized Iran in the 1950s when they had a peaceful, non-religious democracy that nationalized oil productions and took it away from British Petroleum’s control and Western military usage which was running rampant during World War II
The US-CIA fought clandestine wars up and down Latin America in the 80s
Guatemala had a fifty-year civil war
This war was started because the United Fruit Company didn’t like the democratically elected government nationalizing Banana production (remember Iran and the oil?)
In the 1950s…
…The CIA caused a coup in Guatemala
…The CIA caused a coup in Iran
…The CIA caused a coup in North Vietnam
…The CIA caused one coup per year in Laos
The US has supported Fascists, Drug Lords, and Terrorists in at least thirty-five countries
Latin American wars called for massive ethnic cleansing usually of indigenous peoples, who were already being massacred by malnutrition thanks to the Wall Street vice-grip on agriculture
Scientists, those liars only interested in their own profit, say Holocausts happen from lack of critical thought
When the population cannot decipher real news from fake news we know that critical thought is dormant
Independent Body Asserts
Electoral College More Dangerous
To Democracy than Russian Hacking
Washington D.C. 2016 — Republicans are grappling with the fact that their surprise victory giving them full control of the Unpresidented States of America was due in large part due to their new Lord and Master Vladimir Putin. However, those headlines have quickly been eclipsed by a more startling and sinister plot: the Electoral College. In a corresponding move by an independent committee, the CIA, the FBI, and the DMV, it has been concluded beyond reasonable doubt (even to those nutbags crazy enough to deny climate change) that the Electoral College in fact is 100% incongruous with democracy as it allows government leaders to ignore the will of the people as seen by the candidate winning the popular vote not becoming president and the Electoral Delegates of Arizona voting vowing to vote for Trump amid mass outcry not to “be so crazy.” The independent council found that, in fact, the Electoral College helps only rich, white, male
slave-owning land owners control the masses.
Also, progressive lawmakers in New York State have already dumped the “Electoral College” in favor of a name more appropriate to the education level of the masses: The Electoral G.E.D. When Mayor of NYC Bill DeBlingBlingio was asked why he said eloquently, “We want each citizen to feel include no matter how illiterate, confused, tired, ass-backwards, or Mexican.” The President-elects Trump was also posed the same question to which he said articulately while pointing his tiny fingers, “Journalist are scum. My G.E.D. accomplished unpresidented yugeness! I’m precedent of the World.”
by Moctezuma Johnson