Dildogeddon – Learn how to protect yourself


Dildogeddon — What the heck is that?

Well, you’ve probably heard of the pornapocalypse, the desire of almost all medias to rid themselves of vile adult content. Even twitter is on the anti-porn train recently. Ugh. Why? What’s with puritan America trying to tell all of us what to do. I don’t like it at all. Not one little bit.

Now, dildogeddon is the attack of earth by alien forces. These aliens aren’t the regular aliens with big green heads who violate lonely humans on motherships, nope, these are sentient alien dildos that reproduce when united with Earthling cum. It’s a funny, schlocky B-movie, campy book by Moctezuma Johnson. It’s also a metaphor for how all this conservatism from American evangelicals to Islamic Fundamentalists is just totally bat-shit fucking crazy.

Read the Triangulum Stain Series for more.

Dildogeddon – Attack of the Replicating Alien Dildos

The Five HiveThe Battle for Alien Relish

The Doomsday Clock


The Doomsday Clock is minutes from the hour thanks Dildogeddon and the halt to production of Alien Relish.

In Episode One of the Triangulum Stain – Attack of the Replicating Alien Dildos the Five Hive have to deal with Dildogeddon, which nudges the Doomsday Clock ever close to the hour. In Episode Two, the Battle for Alien Relish, the Five Hive is back because they did their job so well in the first episode that lust, which emanates from planet M69 (aka Alien Relish), is dying. Find out how and why lust is dying and what the Five Hive want to do to fix it.




Meet the Five Hive (aka Fuck Force Five) by clicking the book





These Women in Black

are incredibly sexy and skilled


Peel Another Banana America | An anti-imperialism poem | #erotic #political #poetry #LPRTG

Read Moctezuma Smutpunk

Peel Another Banana, America

Aztec King / El Rey Azteca

Image by Davichi via Flickr

You love Aztec bitches
in their feathered headress
tattoed Teotitlan titties
hairless heiroglypic cunts
Today Tijuana has–
Meshica cunt shtuffed
full of obsidian cock–
Dress her up like an Aztec
in jaguar skin
to sacrifice at the altar
of thick Moctezuma cock
lay her on the stone
high atop pyramid
high on princess pussy
with King-sized cock
plunge that guatemalteca
like you were splitting her
in two, ripping her apart
to get her entrails out

splatter that tomato
chocolate- and coffee-inventing
face with dick drip
diciendo: “dame dame dame
todo el poder!”


Read the Rest of the Poem on the Full Poem Page, Sorry (I had some formatting issues and couldn’t get it all to paste here well)

Thursday in the Land of Literary Pulp Smutpunk

I love when “Amazon Customer” drops a surprise 5-star review on me. I’m glad somebody caught the humor and the sex appeal of this weird political satire smutpunk, Dump the Futa President.


In other news about myself, Triangulum Stain 2 – The Battle for Alien Relish came out of the gate with a bang and then settled back down to Earth (a long fall from the Triangulum Galaxy). I just wanted to pop back in with my fans with this sudden spike to 22nd in LGBT Science Fiction. Thank you whoever is suddenly buying it! Perhaps it’s in part due to the inquisitive and well-written Smutpunk Article by fantasy writer Jamie McLachlan.


Winking at you ^.* @CalliePress | #LPRTG #SSRTG #FrankZappa #CauseYoureAnAsshole

“It’s winking at you, cutely, Frank,” says Queen Kegel




What the Fuck? AM I SEEING DOUBLE?

Don’t fool yourself girl, it’s winking at you.


Ram it Ram it Ram it Ram it up your Poopshoot (Cornhole!)

Clipping from the UFO Chronicler | Excerpt from Triangulum Stain 2 | #EARTG #LPRTG #MrBrtg


The Excerpt is a clipping from the beginning of the book Triangulum Stain 2 – Alien Relish. It sets the stage for what the book is going to be. TriStain 1 had lots of print outs from an old diode computer set up in the bowels of the Secret Government Facility known as Cunter Labs. TriStain 2 has a few clippings because it has to cover billions of years. Let me include a clipping or two to make it happen. It’s the story of creation and extinction told from the sexual perspective. Enough blab, let’s get to the story…

Clipping from the UFO Chronicler (THE UFOCHRO – /yoo-FOW-krow/)

by Dean Dibblewitz (more about him later)

On the Alien Planet M69, circa 3,717,879,873 light years before (give our take a few million years)

The planet was like the surface of the moon, all craggly and nooks and crannies. They say the moon was once filled with a yogurt and Planet M69 in the Pinwheel Formation was definitely one of those types with some kind of viscous white and clear cream running through the tunnels, formations, and falls. Imagine a cum river, a cum waterfall, a cum lake. That’s what you have. There were no humans on M69, aka Alien Relish, all the life forms were in this liquid, oozing from craters, hissing down cumfalls, cascading down ravines. It was a bizarre site and one that Doc Rock and company had been studying. It was, of course, free of humans but certainly not free of life. It was life. It was life incarnate. The spring.

The cummy planet was a DNA garden. It was the source from which life spurted. Scientists and Philosophers on Earth complained that English had no good work for this concept, the idea of going from nothing to something. Creation. Spring. Spew. Spurt. Jizz. Splooge. Start. Call it what you may it was the essential element in the universe, the moment when nothing becomes something. Some think the world is death filled by life. Some think the world is life interrupted by death. Either which way, there were two states: alive and dead. The movement between them emerged from this Alien Relish. The relish was programmed to procreate. It flew through the universe, what the scientists call panspermia. The whole mantra is to procreate. It hopped rides on comets, stuck to rings of planets, kissed little particles of ice, got sucked into black holes, and in this case jumped inside the cockpit of the Martian Mindwalker, the latest capsule sent from Earth to discover if there was life on Mars. Somehow the Martian Mindwalker wandered way off course into the Pinwheel Formation and the spores of M69, the Alien Relish itself, had hijacked a ride to Earth. Nobody who knew knew.

This chemical agent from M69 hitching a ride to Earth led to a massive sentient Alien Dildo Invasion that was secretly thwarted by a secret group of women tasked with protecting life here on Earth. They are spooks. If you say their name you will disappear. If you look at them in the shadows they will vanish. If you see one on the television your memory will be erased. If you read about them in a book you will orgasm and forget they ever existed. BUT THEY ARE HERE, among us. THEY ARE THE FUCK FORCE FIVE.

And I will uncover them for you.

But what I have uncovered is terrible news. Our pleasure center is drying up. The pools of sexual desire are far from infinite. They are almost all gone.

One last thing, and perhaps the scariest. Until Replicating Dildo Day (RDD – See TriStain1 if you need more info), there was a word in our minds that we knew for the concept I mentioned above. The word was the verb that meant to become something from nothing. Something like to jizz, to spring, to become, but the exact right word. That word was removed from our minds at the same time that the cummy planet and all that lifeforce dried up.



The U-Fo-Krow was a little independent paper. They tracked Alien Life on Earth and abroad. They stumbled on quite a few facts and Dean Dibblewitz was their lead investigative journalist. He was wildly unknown but extremely famous. He monitored those who monitored others and was thus monitored himself. He was that little tingle in the back of your neck that lets you know something is out there. He was deja vu.

The Fuck Force Five was located in the Brooklyn Armory. They were underground in an office that was decorated with the old streamlined white furniture of the air terminal at JFK circa 1960.*


Character Bio:

Dean DibblewitzAka DD – Alien. Photographic memory specialized in human history, immortal. If he doesn’t dibble himself, he forgets his entire memory. The moment he gets fucked and ejaculates the whole of human history rushes back to him. This can be very useful. This can also lead to a quick fuck necessary at the most inopportune moments. DD used a poster of Tabitha from Fuck Force Five (secret identity: Destiny Girl) hung on his ceiling to help him manage his memory. Why was Tabitha on a poster? Cause her secret identity was Destiny’s Girl from the mega-platinum super-band Destiny’s Pussydolls.

PRE-ORDER Triangulum Stain 2 for FREE – Only a few days left!



*one reader pointed out that JFK wasn’t called that until 1963, which is true. Before that we called it Idlewild but it was really called New York International Some Shit. It looked something like this:

Idlewild Airport

Tastefully Airbrushed for your Pleasure || What the fuck? Playboy, too? || A Guest Post by Callie Press | #LPRTG #EARTG #Playboy


I want to thank Callie for agreeing to post on my dirty little site. She’s got more balls than most men I know and also has big tits. In other words, she’s a hot, mental Futa! Let me introduce her and then make way for the juggernaut of smart that is Ms. Press. 

While Callie could barely type a word thanks to being as high as the Fuck Force Five flying to Planet Alien Relish I asked her to guest post because she was blowing my mind with these ideas that all the alpha males have gone with Joe DiMaggio and (Paul Simon is a prick by the way, unrelated) and that even Playboy — what? — has given up on nudity and fallen into the horrifying, sanitized, apathetic throes of censorship and handbag carrying pussy-men. 

GUEST POST: CALLIE PRESS (tastefully airbrushed for your pleasure) 

So I’m recovering from surgery and full of hydrocodone, which means I am tweeting endless insane DMs to MJ. As a result, when I ranted at least somewhat coherently on a subject, I got this DM in return:

Guest post for me please! Pretty please. Pretty no nudity in playboy and I carry a handbag please.

How can I refuse? That’s 3 pleases from MJ without even one mention of a gagging blowjob or a gaping ass fuck, so I know he really, really meant it. Besides, I’d do it for him if he asked me in any case, if I wasn’t totally absent-minded about things.

So this topic is Playboy removing nudity from the magazine. I know print is dying (I know it first hand, I used to make a living in the newspaper industry) and I guess they want to be more PC since Hef is finally aware he’s mortal. And I’m as feminist as anybody. All my life I’ve done what I wanted because that’s what men do and I didn’t care if someone said I couldn’t do something ‘because I’m a girl.’ I was never ashamed of enjoying sex even though it didn’t go over too well in my religious household or in the small towns we landed in once we left Detroit.

But won’t someone think of the CHILDREN? What kind of men are we making?

Hear me out. Yeah, porn is everywhere on the internet. And it’s trivial to hide looking at it, even if you have a prudish wife like in that atrocious and hysterically funny made-by-a-local-church movie “Fight” (trust me it’s HIGH LARIOUS). Or even if you just have a jealous wife like I can be sometimes. (I want all the attention by those who have a cock, it’s just how I’m made). And little girls and little boys both need some evidence that their dads have a pair, no matter what kind of a shrieking harpy their mother may be.

I found my dad’s playboys when I was probably 12, under the seat of his car. They were there, instead of in the house, because my mom has always been a…difficult person. And I looked at them and it didn’t traumatize me. I have older sisters; the anatomy wasn’t new, but the beauty of the anatomy was. And it made me think, wow, Dad likes women, and Mom can’t control him so much that he stops liking women.

It was a good thing to know. For a lot of men, sadly, it seems this is the closest they ever come to having a spine. For some men, as lame as it is, it’s the only sort of ‘rebellion’ or ‘alpha behavior’ they can ever manage to get away with. And did my Mom know he had Playboys? Of course she knew. Every woman knows. It’s like the only ‘boys will be boys’ thing that is really acceptable out of a man, at least after a few kids, for most women in this day and age. It’s that little spark of ‘bad boy’ that we can just knowingly smile about, even if we pretend to be offended. (Even if you are truly offended, actually.)

What's missing? Oh, my balls. Shit.

What’s missing? Oh, my balls. Shit.

Not any more though. Now if you want to see a tasteful naked woman, you have to do it on the internet. Yeah, that happens, right? Kids can’t learn about males’ natural drives in such an innocent and healthy way. Hell, the first time my husband ever saw a naked woman was when he found his dad’s cache of playboys…how many grown men can say the same thing? A lot of you. Someday that will be none. They’ll only get what they see on the internet, which is of course in a frantic race to reach the bottom. Tomorrow’s men won’t learn by seeing lovingly shot, carefully airbrushed, tasteful nudity. Their first glimpse of a naked woman will probably be stumbling on gangbang sites or something that really can dehumanize women who like sex. There’s no personal context unless it’s like fifteen seconds of the hot wife and hubby on the couch saying the same things as the last fifty couples who sat on the couch.

What it’s going to do is just neuter most men even more than they already have been neutered. I’m not saying I want a world full of alpha males, but this is the kind of thing that puts the boot on the alphas’ necks and makes betas out of them. The good men who happen to be alphas are stuck pretending not to be. The actual alphas that are left ‘in the wild’ are going to be the sociopaths, and it’s going to make women even more susceptible to them than we already are.

I want men to have the chance to buy their ‘dirty magazines’ or whatever and let their wives and girlfriends know, maybe you can TAME me, but you can’t CASTRATE me. I’m glad my hubby still has his god damn Carmen Electra issue, even if it makes me so jealous I want to slap her. If he isn’t enjoying how women look, he sure as hell isn’t enjoying how I look.

Let the boys look, for fuck’s sake. It’s good for everybody.


$. Callie $

Callie Press is the genius who created Butterface, as if you didn’t know that. Also, she be hot and gives great head.


Happy Thanksgiving

Yep, enjoy.

Cover Reveal of FUTADELIC | the new one by Moctezuma Johnson 3====D

Futadelic - The Power of Potion

You’ve been waiting for the new one by Moctezuma Johnson. You have your reading device, you’ve poured yourself a whiskey, you’ve drawn the curtains, turned on your vibrating toy, and you’re ready to read some literary porn. You’ve been waiting for the prince of page porn, the self-proclaimed (yes, I know it’s ridiculous) King of Erotica to drop his new book down on your genitals (ouch!). Well, here it is: 9,000 words of pure #futadelic mayhem. So what does Futadelic look like?


Without further ado I give to you…




The Power of Potion


The story of Dr. Peter Engle in the seedy black markets of Bangkok. Think starfish, think crab, think amputee. Think wires crossed, think dick-girl. Think Futa Mayhem!





The Full Unadulterated Cover

Futadelic - The Power of Potion

Futadelic – The Power of Potion


The Censored (but still fucking awesome) Cover

The Power of Potion

The Power of Potion