Get the vocabulary you deserve with the SMUTPUNK Lexicon
Scribes! Where have my scribes gone? Are they having a futa orgy again. A hyperfuta orgy. I need the scribes to organize and alphabetize this, please. Tell him as soon as he finishes eating his “soup,” thanks.
Alternate Facts – Some Bizarro Presidency Orwellian Double Talk. (See Sample)
Bagpiping – Using a chick’s armpit as a way to pleasure cock. She has to push down from the elbow in the same manner as pressing the bladder when playing the bagpipes. (learn more)
Black Swan – A term used to express an unlikely event that you may want to prepare for just in case it does occur. Example: Before the human race archived the black swan, people thought there was no such thing as a black swan. Most people incorrectly believed black swans were as real as unicorns. Now we know they do, in fact, exist. Stock market crashes, cataclysmic events, and things getting lodged up your ass and needing emergency room assistance may all classify as black swan events.
Bukkake - when a submissive woman is lucky enough to be worshiped by the splooge of many men. In ancient times she often committed suicide after all the men present jizzed on her to save her family shame. Now bukkakes are often accompanied by the transfer of large sums of money. Whether or not our very own Emme Hor has participated in one can be neither confirmed nor denied.
Dot-Connectors – People able to connect seemingly random, unconnectable ideas. Average Fuckers often mistake this awesome ability as random. Smutpunkists taste the awesome sauce in it.
The Five Hive – Also known as the Fuck Force Five, these ladies are highly trained Women in Black agents tasked with keeping the Earth safe from extraterrestrials. They are trained in advanced fucking, quantum physics, and rappelling down giant dildos.
Match of the Centuries – the epic battle between Butterface and Princess Chuckhole (See flyer)
Miss Lonely Hearts – This is the female straggler found in many bars and clubs who is pretty much good to go. Most guys can sit down with her, probably not even buy her a drink yet take her home and pound her until something gives, like a sink, a penis bone, or a pelvis. Often Miss Lonely Hearts makes a really top notch one night stand. She usually shows good manners, good hygiene, and good skills drinking, taking drugs, and in the sack.
Clear Heels – the required footwear of sluts all over the planet and universe. When men find a girl wearing these heels they can rest assured that they are in for a good time (similar items are hoop earrings, g-strings, and pink scrunchies).
Futa – A woman with a large cock. (See Reed James)
Splooge - the magical liquid that spews from cock jerked to satisfaction. The very life force of the universe. The stuff that flows through Planet Alien Relish. The material for which Butterface is in an obsessive and violent search.
Spunk – See splooge
Smutpunk – It’s erotica with plot that mixes forms from such varied sources as magic realism, science fiction, and Asian kung fu movies. In the same way most other punks use some common thing to glue them together, smutpunk uses the most basic protein of all to create its own panspermia universe, mixing pop-culture, erotica, the Cthulhu mythos, Far East legends, and Non-Western spirituality with Science Fiction, Pulp, and Silver-Age-Comic era elements into a head spinning, ball-busting good time.
The Buttplug Mantel – Where Liam, aka That Fucker, keeps his trophy case of used buttplugs with little exhibit label flags like a museum that explain the who, what, where, why, how of the butt plug displayed. Some executives have slayed animals, others have athletic trophies, That Fucker has the butt plug mantel. (Read about it)
The Smutpunk Lexicon – a dictionary of the tasty words peppered on your smutpunk.
Average Fuckers – In an effort to keep my wife happy, I’m no longer calling 99% of the world morons and instead trying to be more accurate by calling them average. I say it with tons of hidden malice. Well, the malice ain’t hidden to the dot-connectors, bless their depraved coal-hearts.
Hyperfuta – a futa with a cock the size of a car.
PAAG – Phat Ass Asian Girl. An Asian chick with a big, juicy phat ass. (See PAAG tumblr site)
PAWG – Phat Ass White Girl. A white chick with a big, juicy phat ass! (See PAWG tumblr site)
SMUTPUNK Freedom Flag – The movement’s flag of freedom to spunk! (See Image)
Trump Butt Plug – Words cannot describe this Commander-in-Cheeks. (See Trump Butt Plug)
Yoga Pants – Really tight pants hot chicks wear to attract alpha males like bees to the honey pot. (see example)
If you’d like a word added, just leave it in the comments below and I’ll see what I can do.
Please Share This Post and Educate the World
I don’t like telling you what to do, but you really should add this to the SMUTPUNK WIKI. I’m just saying.
Although each woman and man is different, these Sex Tips can save you valuable time and effort
The key thing with any ass from virgin to experienced is to get the ass to do the work.
What do I mean by that? Well, a dude can’t just jam his cock up a virgin asshole and expect it to go well. The ass has to take the cock. In other words, the ass is actually the leader although this may seem counter-intuitive to some of us. So the key here is to get the ass warmed up to a finger, or a butt plug, and let the ass kind of swallow the digit. The ass has to relax around it and let it come in. It’s up to the ass to lay down a welcome mat. To do so, it has to relax and feel inviting. Then an ass will be much more welcoming to a big dick or any other things you crazy kids dream up. Eating ass (last week’s sex tip), is an excellent precursor to a little butt plug action. As always the key is lube, lube, lube. When you think there’s more than enough lube on the ass, put more on. After you put more than you think you need on, you may have nearly enough.
What kind of lubes work well?
One things to never use is olive oil. You do not want all that trans fat, lol. I’m only partly kidding, the friction makes it very hot and the sex becomes nearly unbearably hot. Then all you’re trying to do is cum before your genitals set on fire. A better product is Cleanstream Relax Desensitizing Anal Lube, 17oz which is made for anal and desensitizes the area. You may also go with Shibari Personal Lubricant – Water Based 8oz Bottle. Look at all the Shibari reviews. It’s a good brand and this is good stuff although it’s not specifically made for anal sex.
What else do you need?
The other item you really want to take care to buy is a good butt plug. There are lots out there that aren’t very good, and your ass is not a place where you want to sacrifice quality. “Doctor I have no idea how that got up there!” Sure. Just admit you bought a cheap butt plug and the base broke off or was so narrow your greedy ass just sucked it up. Seriously, the key to a good plug is a wide base. You want to make sure it stays where it should. A butt plug that gets really high reviews because it is attractive and well-made (in other words safe) is PURE Njoy Metal Butt Plug Large 4 Inch Polished Steel. Another option is the Beginner Anal Plug Trainer Kit, which could be a great starting anal toy. Or, make shopping quick and easy by taking advantage of the lube and butt plug kit that makes shopping a breeze: Njoy Pure Plug Large with Sliquid Sassy Anal Lube. Finally, I’d be remiss not to include at least one Romi Jeweled Butt Plug for all the princesses out there (and who says your man can’t be your sweet anal princess, right!? So be creative and thoughtful, ladies).
Once you have the lube and the butt plug of your choice, insert it very slowly. Let the ass take the plug. Like parliament/funkadelic sing, “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Let the ass open up to the plug and then kind of eat it like it was slurping up pasta. Err, that’s a weird image, but I think you get the point that it has to slide (not JAM!) in. So take it easy, lube it up good, and slide it in. Then leave it there and let your ass get comfy around it.
Now that ass is sexy and warmed up for the next level.
Want more sex tips?
Next Sex Tip: Angry Sex
Previous Sex Tip: Eating Ass
Well here’s your Erotic Smutpunk Bulletin, kiddies!
Well, you’ve Chosen Your Own Kink already with my last book. What about this time? Would you like some sexual instruction compiled over 29 years of fucking ravenously? Behold, the Sex Manual by MJ. A veritable how to fuck, con, convince, coerce, and cohabitate. All you need to know from “Getting Your Girl to Give you Deepthroat” to “Ways to Be Slutty for your Man” to “What’s the best chemical compound to make copious amounts of FAKE CUM” found in this tidy little bedroom companion book. It’s a must have if you have a penis, pussy, or both.
Smutpunk on Skates by Emme Hor – Print Book coming 2017.
The book will be a combination of all four short books that were penned by Emme and edited by me. I am working on the cover now and it’s pretty damn hot. Want a look? Of course you do because you know that there’s a mosque, yoga pants, a hot asian chick in pink glittery roller-skates, and a butt plug. I commissioned my Italian buddy to truly paint the fucker so it came great. Want a look? Of course you do so be sure you’re on the LPRTG mailing list to get notified when it leaves “My Documents” and enters the public space.
Instruction Manual for Sex tentatively titled THE SEX MANUAL
It’s not quite out, but you can see the SEX MANUAL home page (I’m banned from Pre-Order on the Zon. Why? Because I’m banned from nearly everything. Thus I have my own website and my own erotic smutpunk bulletin!) It will be out soon and be sure to be on the LPRTG mailing list so you get notified of the release. Or just comment below, saying, “I want to be part of your Review Team” and I’ll get a Free Copy into your hands. Oh yeah! SMUTPUNK4LYF, baby! This book is really a lot of fun but it also happens to contain some good ideas (says who? says me? oh, and my editor said so!). It guarantees safe, fun, useful sexual sessions for you and your partner(s). I so guarantee it that I stand by a 100% Money Back Guarantee if you don’t have at least one awesome session thanks to reading.
Quick Marketing Tip: Promo some other people. Feel free to promote MJ or Emme. Good Karma rewarded freely!
You have to be part of the SMUTPUNK MOVEMENT. I mean, you have #smutpunkforchange #smutpunkeloquence #smutpunkelegance #smutpunk4lyf all at your disposal (and of course the uber-popular LPRTG hashtag). When you hang with me and my SMUTPUNK CREW you get free books from me and Emme, you get the always informative and low-calorie Bullshit Bulletins, you get poems, artwork, and sex tips. What else do you need to be hot and bothered from meaty morning to nipple night?
Dr S. Punk asks
why am I such a sucker for watching young chicks in their twenties with shaved bush and perky ass tits get fucked in the ass? I don’t know, doctor, I just don’t know.
I thought I’d share the flyer from the Match of the Century, [[insert]] which will be an entry in the upcoming SMUTPUNK LEXICON. Be sure to get on the LPRTG mailing list to get your important information. There’s weekly sex tips (always useful), free books, special events, and now vocabulary building lexicon entries.
Mystk Knight’s website (Aka Mystk Ghoti)
#SexManual #MensHealth #Impotence #Men #Fitness #Diet #Health — these are some of the hashtags that I’ll be pitching my new book to. Wish me luck and help me out. All ideas welcome. Feel free to post on FB for me since I no longer use. #FA – FacebookersAnonymous – Oh, shit, wait! That’s not true. I am so all up in The Facebook again under my wife’s name and now even my fucking own.
Find me on FB at…
Smutpunk and Literary Erotica (which is essentially the erotic smutpunk bulletin on Facebook & quite useful)
Fuck it, just click them all and open up little windows and like the whole lot of them. Type “Stalked” into the comments and get yourself a free book filled with sex tips and humor.
Interview with Sexy and Spectacular Shelby Kent-Stewart
Shelby was nice enough to withstand my asinine questions and put her grace and class all over my smutpunk. She sometimes calls me the #SmutpunkScholar and I call her #SmutpunkElegance. Everything she touches exudes class and style. I think even if she was injecting me with an HIV-laced syringe, she would inject it gracefully, like a St. Petersburg ballerina.
New SMUTPUNK Poem: Ana
She calls herself Pussy
that’s her name
I call my baby, Pussy
I met her in go-go bar
on her knees
making great eye contact
like wormholes led to her irises
like butter could be freid on her butt crack
like shows were filmed in her cleavage
I met her in a go-go bar
where GIs once roamed
who had long retreated into the hillsides
with the terrorists
I met her in a go-go bar
had her lick my balls
right there from where I sat
on the bar stool
bottle of spiced rum in my hand
more in my gut
my hair afroing out like gluttony
she tongued my asshole
while i admired the tits on the go-go dancer
on the stage
while my buddy lit another Marlboro Red
while a second girl put her hand around my cock
You take it up the ass? I asked the ass-licker
Her eyes were wide open and pretty. She nodded
Great. Let’s go to my room. What’s your name?
Use the comments below for “Stalked” or “I want to be part of your REVIEW TEAM” (see above for more info). You can also use the comments section to berate me with all the curse words your vocabulary contains. Other uses are looked at with suspicion. Thanks for reading. ‘Nuff said.
–The Management of the Desgracia
When linking back to this page please put the word “smutpunk” in the link. For example, “MJ’s Smutpunk” or “Smutpunk Site“
Please note that BB-8 stands for Bullshit Bulletin, which I’d like to expand to the Bullshit Bullpen Erotic Smutpunk Bulletin
Weekly Sex Tip #2 – Eating Ass
Last week I wrote about getting your woman stimulated by kissing the back of her neck and running your tongue down her spine. After kissing her like that and getting her going, I suggest you lick her pussy from behind. But, if you’re a freak like me, lick from her neck down her back and then lick between her asscheeks until your face is buried in her ass. There’s no greater feeling than being between her ass cheeks. Flick your tongue on her asshole. Then bury yourself in there. Get that tongue up in that ass. I love eating ass. And she will too. If she’s a kinky freak, she’ll probably love it. Even if she doesn’t love it, it will be a memorable experience. If she hates it, give her walking papers and kick her to the curb.
As far as position, I recommend that you have her face down on the bed with her ass up in the air doggy style. That gives you a really great window to get in between those asscheeks and hit the bullseye with gusto.
After you give that ass a good licking, it will be all covered in spit. If it’s not, than you didn’t lick it nearly enough. Licking ass is a great pre-cursor to anal. That said, don’t forgo the lube just because there’s some spit. There’s never too much lube. Get the lube if you’re going to go the anal route. It’s not a must to do anal here, of course. A good hard doggy-style fucking may be more than enough to have her gripping the sheets and yelling your name.
Next tip: Properly Preparing an Ass
Previous Tip: Kiss the Back of Her Neck
Note from Author:
The Chronicles of a Humiliation Backfired series is essentially a memoir classified as fiction to protect those involved and to add a little bit extra to the story. Many of the things you will read about did, in fact, happen. This is a tale of an obsessive girlfriend going from being a little cute but clingy to totally psychotic and quite dangerous. The series occurs in breathtaking locations. The series includes drug use, mind control, enslaving, sex with royalty, tentacle sex, lesbians, and pop stars. When you’re done, tell me what you think. If you’re looking for a vanilla erotica romance, do NOT read. This is most definitely not for you. If you want SMUTPUNK to lead you toward the rabbit hole and then when you’re least expecting it shove a jet pack on you and slam you into it, then you’re in the right place. Close the curtains, grab your toys, and turn on your eReader, your body, and your mind!
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars” –Oscar Wilde
ps: Please leave a short review after you’ve read it.
pps: thanks to Kat Crimson for the artwork. Authors, feel free to download the “Plea for Reviews” image and use in the back of your books, on social media, and on your blogs to get the word out that we live and breathe for reviews.
Weekly Sex Tip #1
Each woman is different, this is rule number one. You may find a few who behave the same way. I’ve even had runs where five to ten like the same soft circular stroking of the clit with the soft pad of my middle finger and then the next chick I’m in bed with wants to have her pussy finger fucked hard while I twist her nipples with all my strength. So there may be patterns and tendencies, but ultimately you need to watch and listen to your partner and pick up on visual clues that she’s into something. If not, scrap it.
One thing that I find the majority of women do like is having their necks kissed and licked. Something about behind behind her and letting your lips rub against her soft, smooth skin gets her excited. You should see goosebumps or some other sign that you’re getting to her. Move to her ear and lick. Then softly bite her neck like you’re wolves. When she offers her neck to you, she’s showing she trusts you so don’t draw blood (unless that’s her fetish). Just kiss her romantically.
My wife has an amazing scalloped back so I follow the sensual lines from the back of her neck down her spine all the way to her ass crack. Then when she’s wet as a splash pond, I take her from behind.
Next sex tip: Eating Ass
First things first, I’m a big fan of Shelby Kent-Stewart (see interview to see our chemistry) so this review is part review part blurb. If you don’t like it, you can bug off and finger your own mangina. Now if you’re willing to listen, I have a great bit to tell you.
I read Blessing by Shelby recently and finally I am getting a few words down about it. This book rocked my world. It’s about Abigail Blessing, a hot little intelligent submissive who hasn’t allowed herself to be in love. In short, it’s a sexual and emotional awakening at the hands of an ebony and ivory dom duo. Where’s the chilango, Shelby? That minor beef aside, the chemistry for the trio is well developed and ready to burn as whistling kettle being ignored while lovers play in the sack. Although the characters were great, the thing about the book that really blew my smutpunk’d mind was that the whole thing is told in a trio of perspectives. Shelby is very artful in her way of using these multiple perspectives. She made me realize that some of my own stories (which indulge in texts, videos, and voyeurism as methods to tell the “other” story more intimately) would have been well served to use a similar method but I wasn’t as imaginative as Miss Stewart. By using three perspectives, Shelby is able to get deep into the love story between the three characters. The reader fully explores Abigail’s thoughts, which you may expect, but readers also get deep into the minds of Luc and Julian, the two Doms that she finds herself falling in love with. Delving into three minds makes what could be a pretty entertaining one-dimensional story quite deep and emotional. It really stokes the fire.
In addition to the perspective trick, Shelby has a wonderful way with words putting one wonderful, detailed description after another. Shelby’s writing has “the light,” that element that makes you want to get to know her more. I will call “the light” charm. In my opinion, all good artwork has the light, whether it’s a book, a coronet riff, or a dog barking to psychedelic rock, the light is what makes us perk up our ears and listen. Shelby makes you listen. And you are rewarded for listening to what she has to say.
Oh yeah, it’s erotica, to boot. I forgot to mention, the book is hot as hell. If you’re a male, you’ll find your hard-on getting in the way of the kindle screen cause Abigail is just so damn spunky! If you’re female, you’ll find your kindle freezing because it doesn’t like to get that wet.
If you haven’t given Shelby Kent-Stewart a read, get yourself a copy of Blessing right this moment and see what I’m talking about for yourself.
licking her pussy
fucking her slow and deep
“don’t break my heart,”
her massive juggs
“will facefucking that
skinny girl in the white dress
break your heart?”
i pinch one nipple
of her melons,
“not if you do it
in front of me.”
the curves of her ass
were smooth and bulbous
like looking at a peach
all the way on the East End
the peach was removed
wrapped in bed-sheets
pale and supple
my tongue traced her curves
from the nape of her neck
down the scalloped canals of her spine
down to the wet slit
she turned over, half-asleep
she presented the pussy to me
I teased it with my nose
placed my tongue on her clit
she used her hips to push
her clit over my tongue
I held her gorgeous ass cheeks
and she grinded into the bed
I licked, sucked,
and brushed her swollen clit with my big bottom lip
she held me head
and, even though she was trying to be quiet, moaned
her necklace is beautiful
the sun is catching the silver
flashing it into my eyes
morse code of cumshot
it’s saying to get her tonsils
beside the convention hall
where we had queued up before
now cars amble by
people on bikes are across the highway
by the Hudson river
a helicopter takes off nearby
her fit ass looks hot
and round sitting on her heels
“that’s it, babe. Deep.”
Her necklace is beautiful
Her throat muscles
milk out the cumshot
I shoot some into her mouth
pull out and shoot more
right onto the smutpunk necklace
we both smile
she’s kneeling with my cum
on her necklace
and we are happy